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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not enjoy family life

218 replies

winkywinkola · 18/04/2015 18:39

It's relentless.

Churning out meal after meal.

Washing. Ironing. Working (part time). Broken nights - various reasons like nightmares, itchy heads(!), temperatures etc. Constant penny pinching.

I'm sure my 4 dcs are no less demanding than any other but the constant squabbles and demands for this that and the other are wearing.

Even walking my dogs seems like another chore.

I am shattered. I feel so low that there are years of this tedium ahead. No prospect of any break or holidays. I am JEALOUS of all these other parents jetting off to Dubai, the Caribbean, skiing holidays over Easter.

H works many hours each week. He pitches in where possible. He's making bread with the dcs now after gardening with them today. I was ironing and sorting underwear.

Why am I not enjoying this life? Is this family life? I'm not cut out for it. I'm not physically strong enough anymore. I hate it.

Shit. A pity party.

OP posts:
Squigglybear · 18/04/2015 21:08

Oh how I feel your pain! I have been feeling the same particularly over the last month but subconsciously longer where I have just hated family life...I wanted to be at work instead of with my family as they have been very hard work...I feel like a crap parent for feeling like this. I don't have the answer for you but what I can say is don't be envious of what others are doing and places they are going you will become resentful of your family. I know if I took my family to the Caribbean they would moan as much as they would at home and equally have as much fun as at home. I think remembering to be grateful for what you have is start. Remind yourself what a lovely family you have, your husband doing lovely things with the children, use dog walks as time out for yourself and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine.
I think this time of year encourages change and people tend to analyse their lives...its easy to get down when there is no progress being made...household and parent chores ARE relentless. I have to say I don't iron, I hate it.
My lowest point was over the holidays but now the children are back at school I am feeling a lot less stressed. Your little one is still young so guess you never have time alone. It is hard.
We have a few weekends away booked, cheap camping/caravan trips that we are looking forward to where we can take the dog with us and get a change of scenery. What things do you enjoy doing either on your own or as a family?
I am considering meditation to deal with the stress. Anyone know of any good books on this topic?

Original poster
winkywinkola · 18/04/2015 21:17

Well the dogs have an nearly an acre of garden to run about in. They're not cooped up all day. We throw balls etc for them. It's rare they don't get walked but I felt unwell.

Walking them forces me to get exercise. They are well treated and tbh, they are a +ve energy in our lives.

I would never get rid of them. They walked six days out of seven most weeks. They come on holiday with us. They are part of our family.

As for having for children, well, I guess even 1 child is hard work. Who really knew what it would be like?our financial circumstances have turned for the worse and I guess I thought I would be able to afford more help.

I do suck it up (yuck expression) most of the time but sometimes I feel utterly overwhelmed. And worried because I've always felt physically very strong. Not now for no particular reason. I think going to the gym again would do me the power of good. Plus angling for more work hours so I can't budget for more help with cleaning. I mean it's not a holiday but it would mean more quality time for the dcs.

OP posts:
Original poster
winkywinkola · 18/04/2015 21:19

And squiggly you're right. The Carribbean different location, same old issues of squabbling, policing the dcs, NATO arbitration etc.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/04/2015 21:23

Plus packing and unpacking and all that extra washing it would mean...

Please run through you wash routine with us so we can help you ditch the ironing x

maroonedwithfour · 18/04/2015 21:25

I presume toddler in childcare? Can tot do half a day when your not workong?

ahbollocks · 18/04/2015 21:27

Winky in the kindest possible way pleeease dont turn into a mummy matryr.
Im one of four and my own mum was constantly dragging herself around and passive aggressive tidying and sorting etc, stuff that wasntimportant.
The older children can sort their own pants :)
Get your iron levels checked, read, if your dh is keeping them busy then find a quiet part of the house and just chill for a bit.
what I do sometimes is book ds in gor an extra hour at nursery and go to costa and read a magazine with a nice drink. Makes the world of difference!

MagentaOeuflon · 18/04/2015 21:28

I do think you need to see the GP for a check-up anyway, but one thing that might help is iron. I take a liquid iron supplement on my GP's advice and it does make a huge difference to how strong I feel.

MagentaOeuflon · 18/04/2015 21:30

iron x-post!

Also agree with the "secret" time off. I do that too. I'm officially working with DC in school/nursery but I actually have a day off to wander round the shops or just do hobbies. Maybe I only manage it twice a year but it is incredibly restoring.

WishIwasanastronaut · 18/04/2015 21:36

Didn't you think about this before you went for four Shock ? You must have got an idea of the work involved after one or two.

How are your kids in all this? I sincerely hope they do not sense this attitude of yours.

Please get help now. You should try to budget for whatever you need - a cleaner; ironer; get the kids on play dates more often; go to the doctor. Et your shopping on the internet and delivered to your door. Do you have room for an au pair?

RusticBlush · 18/04/2015 21:40

If you didn't have it you'd soon churn for it.
What you need is a break - you and dh let your hair down for a few days then you'd soon miss the kids and enjoy your family life - I hope you're able to recharge your batteries soon Op Flowers

maroonedwithfour · 18/04/2015 21:40

Wish, what a helpful post.Hmm just what a struggling parent wants to hear.

Binkybix · 18/04/2015 21:41

I literally don't know how you cope with 4! No wonder you're tired. I'm not great at doing it myself, but some people I know swear but guided meditations that you can find on you tube. You could try different one's for relaxing, energising etc. some time for you and apparently they can be good at giving more energy.

If it's been sudden it might be worth a visit to docs too.

Hope you feel better soon.

SheWhoMustBe · 18/04/2015 21:42

I cannot agree more strongly with the people who are sending you hugs - or with those who've told you to ditch the ironing completely (can you tumble dry and hang it up while it's warm?), reduce the cooking (beans on toast is a perfectly respectable meal, so is a quick omelette, pasta with grated cheese - and all of those can be done in about 20 mins by DH or even the oldest kids) and just stop doing as much of the cleaning as you can bear (if everyone else in the house can live with the mess then you can too...). And then have a long hard look at what DH is contributing to keep this show on the road. Bread making...??!! I bloody dream of making bread with the kids!! I totally get that he was keeping the kids entertained for a while and that adds value, but I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that afterwards he was not the one who wiped surfaces/washed the bowls and baking tins/swept flour up off the floor etc etc. I'm guessing he's pretty good at the fun stuff but you're picking up all the drudge, and if that's the case it's not fair and you should have a conversation and tell him how unhappy you are.

Original poster
winkywinkola · 18/04/2015 21:43

I'm so touched by all the encouragement and suggestions.

OP posts:
MrsHenryCrawford · 18/04/2015 21:46

Hugs op. Parenting is relentless and tedious. I only have one dc so far and find it hard so I can only imagine what having 4 is like.

slippermaiden · 18/04/2015 21:47

Lower your standards. Stop ironing and do less cleaning. Your kids could def help out too, bit of hoovering etched.

Squigglybear · 18/04/2015 21:48

Why are people going on about having 4 children. Of course OP has made the conscious decision to have 4, I'm sure she knew it would be tough at times...she is just going through a rough patch that we all get whether we have 1, 2 3 or more and she is looking for support!
For those who say get rid of the dog I doubt you have ever owned one or are not an animal lover. Our dog is the best behaved in our family, brings a lot of love and encourages family outings to tranquil places full of nature.
OP Are you hydrated enough? Eating a balanced diet? You sound like you need to catch up on some sleep. Lack of sleep distorts internal balance immensely.

MagentaOeuflon · 18/04/2015 21:55

Wish the other day I actually dissolved into tears after a day of my somewhat challenging DD bickering with her brother and having drama queen strops, I was so exhausted with it. And yes she saw me and DP explained to her that I'd got a bit tired and stressed. (Luckily he was there to take over bedtime, many people don't even have that) It's not the end of the world if your DC realise that you're human and not superwoman, and that sometimes you need a break. In fact I think that's probably better than if they get the impression that their every whim will be catered to even if it grinds you into the ground.

Handsoffmysweets · 18/04/2015 21:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Whensmyturn · 18/04/2015 22:02

I do think 4 children will be great in the future. You'll have a ready made party and I'm sure that will make your future life fantastic. For now I agree with other posters try to build in tiny bits of time for things you enjoy each day, even if it's only a 5 min cup of coffee in peace for now. In a year it will be 15mins and another year 30 mins. An occasional night out with your husband might give you something to look forward to and give you a reminder of what you will have again in the future. I agree it feels relentless sometimes. Hope is what you need.

karinmaria · 18/04/2015 22:03

Great advice so far (mostly).

Worth a visit to the doctor though to have your iron levels checked. If you are stressed this can affect how your body takes on iron so you might be anaemic. If you're anaemic you will be knackered and have zero energy.

ahbollocks · 18/04/2015 22:03

We do party tea too Grin !

BeaufortBelle · 18/04/2015 22:06

Paper plates, marmite sandwiches, crisps, jam tarts, baby bels, strawberries, flake, jug of squash into paper cups. Picnic rug in the garden twice a week - easy peasy and all in the bin afterwards. They will love you forever. >>whispers

Whensmyturn · 18/04/2015 22:08

I second that. A glass of wine is an efficiency measure it speeds up relaxation so saves you time.

qumquat · 18/04/2015 22:12

Can your dh help you out more? Can he do some batch cooking on a Sunday to help you during the week? Does he do laundry over the weekend? Take an equal share in weekend household chores? If you're thinking of getting a cleaner would he do the research and organise it?