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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To plan on living close to DD when she's grown up and ask your plans

141 replies

FallingDeeper · 01/04/2015 16:58

For when your DC no longer live at home?

My parents died when I was quite young so I'm fascinated by how grown up DC interact with their parents.

If that sounds weird, bear with me

DH hasn't lived closer than two hours drive from his divorced parents since he went to university - and often much further away. He gets on fine with them but only speaks to them every couple of months and we see them three or four times a year for a day. I just can't imagine having that kind of relationship with DD when she's an adult.

Do you live close to your parents and, if not, why? Can you envisage only seeing your DC a handful of times when they are grown up?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 01/04/2015 16:59

Doesn't it rather depend on where your adult daughter chooses to live?

angelos02 · 01/04/2015 17:01

From personal experience, people move around a lot for work nowadays. I certainly have and none of my friends from school still live in their home town for this very reason. I still see my parents at least once a month and speak on the phone most days.

thenextday · 01/04/2015 17:02

My parents are both dead and I always lived about 200 miles away. Called my dad daily and saw him half a dozen times a year.
I don't plan to live near my children....in fact once they leave uni I am moving away.
Ds will probably live abroad.... Not interested in being a grandparent .

ApplesTheHare · 01/04/2015 17:02

I live where my DH set up his business (this was while we were on a break before we ever got matried, and where his parents live, and where he grew up) but it's 2 hours from my parents. I wish I loved closer to them but realistically DH can't move his business so unless my parents give up their entire lives where they are and move near to us, it's not going to happen

ElphabaTheGreen · 01/04/2015 17:02

Have a read of the MIL thread crashing on in AIBU at the moment - that should give you considerable insight!

ElphabaTheGreen · 01/04/2015 17:03

This is the thread I mean.

Original poster

FallingDeeper · 01/04/2015 17:04

Yes, sooty. What I meant was that ,were she to settle some distance from us, DH and I would move to be closer to her. Of course, in 20 years time she might be on MN asking "AIBU to wish my parents would stop stalking me around the globe?"

OP posts:

sosix · 01/04/2015 17:07

What if dd doesn't want that?

BabyGanoush · 01/04/2015 17:07

You cannot plan these things, it is a bit silly and a bit controlling and a bit (very!) impossible.

I ended up marrying someone from another country, and then moving to flippin Argentina for a few years.

Life throws all kinds of things at you, you'd be better off adopting a flexible attitude and an interesting life of your own that does not solely evolve around your daughter.

I will need to take this advice with my own DC too

ilovesooty · 01/04/2015 17:08

My father has been dead for years and my mother is in a residential home. I left home at 18 to move just over 100 miles away for university. On graduating I settled about the same distance away in the opposite direction. If my parents had moved to be near me I'd have moved again.

Interrobang · 01/04/2015 17:08

Well, maybe that's easy if you have just one child. Most people don't. So what if one moves to Cornwall and one to the Outer Hebrides?

My child is young, and one on the way, so a fair way off independence, but I see my job as getting them to 18 independent and adventurous - then the world is theirs to see as they see fit, and to fit DH and me in as and when they feel like it. If they are both off doing their own thing, DH and I will be off doing ours.

squoosh · 01/04/2015 17:09

In the gentlest possible way, have you thought that she might not want you upping sticks and moving to be close to her? I can see that might bring some pressures to an adult child.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 01/04/2015 17:09

Please don't. If it happens naturally, for example your daughter marries the boy next door and lives round the corner, fine. Otherwise, you will be the subject of an aibu.....

Iflyaway · 01/04/2015 17:10

I'm a LP of one and whatever they want to do in life is o.k. with me, even if they want to emigrate to the other end of the world. Cos it's about their own life, not mine.

But you remind me of a saying:

A daughter you have for life.

A son you have till he gets a wife.

But of course you never know what life's going to throw your way - one may have a daughter who is NC, or a son who still lives at home till well into adulthood.....

pointythings · 01/04/2015 17:10

I really wouldn't do this without your daughter explicitly okaying it. She will be an adult who is allowed to make her own choices about how close she wants to be to you.

My DPs are back in the old country (Holland) so definitely a long journey away. It has been hard recently with my dad's deteriorating health, but DH and I and my Dsis (also in the UK) make the effort to visit often - you don't need to live in someone's pocket to maintain closeness.

NerrSnerr · 01/04/2015 17:10

My mil sometimes talks about moving closer to us (they're about an hour away so not far anyway) but we're not certain we'd never move again. Depends on work.

lostscot · 01/04/2015 17:10

My dd 9 has already decided she's buying a farm, filling it with animals and sharing her bed with a cat. My husband asked her if she was getting married and she told us not to be silly, we were moving in with her! On a serious note I hope we are close as I'm not to my parents and I love how close we are to the in laws.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 01/04/2015 17:11

Why would you invest so much of your personal self into your DD? You need your own friends, your own life, your own interests. That is how you have a good relationship with someone, not by following them around so they're forced to be in contact more often.

It may be that your interests and life and ease of making friends can be done anywhere and moving close is a reasonable idea, but it seems bonkers to be planning that now and suggests that YABU and a bit bonkers.

Let your DD have her own life before you decide you need to live on top of her. Otherwise she'll marry someone from a foreign country you won't be able to emigrate too, just to escape you.

dementedma · 01/04/2015 17:11

We have 3 dcs and I dont plan to live near any of them particularly. Don't want to be a dumped on grandparent and will relish the freedom.

chipsandpeas · 01/04/2015 17:11

a friend of mines parents moved closer to her after she moved 200 miles away from them, actually made the relationship worse as they were too interfering in her life, wanting to know everything, popping in all the time - shes moved since and they have stayed put and their relationship is much better

DrankSangriaInThePark · 01/04/2015 17:13

But in answer to your questions....I live in a different country to my Mum. We have a fantastic relationship, talk for hours on the phone and genuinely love each other's company.
Dp's mother still wails and gnashes her teeth that we live 'so far away'. All of 8 km. And dp has his lunch there every day.....

Sparklingbrook · 01/04/2015 17:13

I am staying here. DSs can live wherever they like.

tumbletumble · 01/04/2015 17:13

OP, I agree with you. If it's practical I hope to live not too far from my DC when they are adults. Although I think people tend move around more in the few years immediately after leaving home, so I'd probably wait until they seemed properly settled somewhere.

Of course Interrobang is right about having more than one child (I have three) so we'll have to see how it pans out. But I want to be an involved grandparent if possible, and I sincerely hope my DC see that as an advantage to them (and their families) too!

BabyGanoush · 01/04/2015 17:14

that daughter son quote did not come true for my parents.

My brother lives nearby, is there all the time.

I married an Englishman, and moved to England.

These things happen.

squoosh · 01/04/2015 17:14

I like knowing my parents are busy going about their lives in my hometown. Makes me feel a bit sad to imagine me being the sole focus of their life.

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