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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To plan on living close to DD when she's grown up and ask your plans

141 replies

FallingDeeper · 01/04/2015 16:58

For when your DC no longer live at home?

My parents died when I was quite young so I'm fascinated by how grown up DC interact with their parents.

If that sounds weird, bear with me Smile

DH hasn't lived closer than two hours drive from his divorced parents since he went to university - and often much further away. He gets on fine with them but only speaks to them every couple of months and we see them three or four times a year for a day. I just can't imagine having that kind of relationship with DD when she's an adult.

Do you live close to your parents and, if not, why? Can you envisage only seeing your DC a handful of times when they are grown up?

OP posts:
HagOtheNorth · 01/04/2015 17:15

'or a son who still lives at home till well into adulthood.....'

yes.
Only joking, I love him really and he's good company. Grin
OP, it depends on your DD and a close family has little to do with the actual physical distances involved. My family are very close, some within walking distance, some in other countries. If your DD turns out to be the latter, there will be a version of Skype and lots of other ways of communicating.

yeahokthen · 01/04/2015 17:15

I suspect your DD is little. As they get older I've realised that we won't have a choice, nor should we.

My feeling is we raise our DC to be independent and make their own choices. I suspect one of mine might come back to our location eventually but the other is definitely a city dweller.

It doesn't mean you can't have a close relationship, there's no reason to think you'll lose your DD.

ThroughThickandThin · 01/04/2015 17:15

I have vague plans. Stay in family home where we are now until current teen DSes have definitely fled the nest, about 10 years time I'd say. Then do some travelling if we can afford to retire early.

Then see where the DSes are, whether they've put down roots, and which one needs us, possibly more than the others do. Also, which dil we get on with, obvs. Then downsize accordingly.

BleachedBarnet · 01/04/2015 17:16

I live further away from my parents than I would like to, I moved to London after uni with DP and they can't afford to move back down South (I'm from London but grew up in the North)

Tbh I currently would love for them to live closer, especially now that I'm pregnant, I'm an only child and very close to both of them.

That said, the reality of the situation might be very different, my mother and I tend to bicker if we spend more than 48 hours together and had a tumultuous time in my teen years. I suspect my excellent relationship with them now is down to the 2.5 hour train ride between us Grin

CarpeJugulum · 01/04/2015 17:16

I went to Uni 200 miles from home, and sort of stayed up here. Then DM passed away, and DF has remarried and spends half his time abroad with DMIL.

DPIL are 400 miles away, for about 8 more weeks, and then we're moving about 5 miles away.

I'm counting down the days and panicking about the packing, decluttering and organising!

AugustaGloop · 01/04/2015 17:17

Both of my siblings live within 10 minutes drive of my parents house. I am about 5 hours away. I would feel suffocated being that close, but sometimes It would be nice to be an hour or so away. I do get on well with them.
It would not be feasible for my parents to move to be near me because they could not afford to live in London or event in the South East and maintain some kind of ok lifestyle. Also, they cannot live close to all of us.

I hope to maintain a close relationship with my daughters when they are adults, but do not think it will necessarily be feasible to live near them. They might be in jobs which involve moving around alot of they might emigrate - you might not necessarily get visas to enable you to emigrate. I think being so dependent on your DD is a risk - if you move you will be moving away from the rest of your life meaning you are putting a lot of pressure on her to occupy your time. I think better to start building up your own life to partially fill the vacuum when she goes. I am conscious I need to do this- currently my life if based around work and the DC and do not have much in the way of hobbies (although do have a good circle of friends).

D0oinMeCleanin · 01/04/2015 17:17

I live a few minutes walk away from my mum. I see her at least once a week and phone most nights. My sister lives a couple of hours away but is here once every 6 weeks or so for a week or longer and phones her every night my other sister lives 1 street away and calls in for a cuppa every night We're all very close.

I have no idea what the children's plans are. Dd2 once told me she would live with me forever and when I died she'd bury me in the park opposite our house so she can be with me always, but I'm hoping she'll change her mind Grin

I wouldn't move to be closer to them if they moved away but I would hope I'd see them often and have them phone me often.

FenellaFellorick · 01/04/2015 17:18

My plans are to ensure an appropriate level of care and support for my children, help them transition to adult services and be as involved as I can be and they want or need me to be, while facilitating as much independence for them as they are able to have and hopefully they'll be able to manage their own care and support needs. I'd love them to not need me. That is my aim. To want me, obviously Grin but to not need me to help them to manage their day to day lives.

I hope that I'll have a good relationship with them and we'll see each other regularly, but really, I can't control that. They may not want to see me much Grin and you can't chase your kids round yelling it's saturday you must see meeee Grin

theendoftheendoftheend · 01/04/2015 17:21

My parents live just round the corner, and they moved here first, when I was an adult! I love being so close to them and my DC being so close to them and their cousins. But, my DM is my best friend which alot of people might think odd

glittertits · 01/04/2015 17:22

I think moving to follow your daughter around is a bit silly, particularly whilst you are still working. Madness actually whilst she is young and not settled herself, and may move frequently.

However, once (if!) she has school aged kid and is settled somewhere, I understand moving to be near her. Of course, if you have more than one kid living in more than one location, it would be a mare.

Likewise if DD moved away purposely to be away from you, you'd be massively overstepping a boundary.

I too would be sad if my parents followed me around - they deserve their own lives back in the city they chose to live in.

You don't have children to follow them around, or for companionship. You have children, you raise them, and then you let them fly - selflessly, hopefully.

NCIS · 01/04/2015 17:23

My DD lives an hour and a half away (on a good day on the M25) and we chat a couple of times a week plus she comes to stay when work allows. Would never move to be close to her, she needs her space but we're still very close.

shewept · 01/04/2015 17:23

You can't plan for something that may have so many variables. She may move to a country that you can't, for example the US. She may be able to get a visa, you may not. She may move around alot meaning you would have to move everytime, she may move somewhere you wouldn't live in a million years. She may not want you to follow.

I would prefer to think dc would live closeish and that we remain close. But I would prefer they have the life they want. I live near mum and dad and wouldn't move away from them, because the dc have an amazing relationship with them. I wouldn't want them to miss out. If it was just me and dh, we would probably live in another country.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 01/04/2015 17:24

I have lived 240 miles from my mum for 30 years now, as has DH from his. Yet we are still close. I certainly don't want any of the old folk moving close as they know no one other than us. I am not stepping into the role of a carer! Selfish, probably, but I could not look after an old person 24/7

My kids live 30 miles away from me at the moment, I won't be stalking them round the country should they decide to move. DH and I are enjoying being child free again!

BlackNoSugar · 01/04/2015 17:24

From the point of view of the DD: I lived at home (apart from Uni) until I got married at 26. DH was in the military, and as part and parcel of that we've moved all over the world.

My DPs only saw DD twice in her first two years as we lived so far away, then we moved to Europe and saw them every few months. DH retired almost 10 years ago and we moved back to the UK; three years later my DPs moved to our town and I see my mum almost every day.

In my 20's I felt a bit stifled TBH - even though I could do what I liked, living at home meant I had to keep DPs "in the loop" if I wanted to stay out all night. It was a bit of a relief to move so far away and not have to answer to anyone. By the time we moved back here to the UK, I'd realised how nice it would be to have DP's living close by - especially as they get older, I can help out more and if one of them is ill we're right here for them. I see my mum several times a week and we go shopping together, and DH goes to theirs once a week for dinner and watch footie with my dad.

I think it depends entirely on your relationship with your DD when she's older. You can make plans, but people change so much. If my mum suggested to 22-year-old-me that in 20 years she'd be living five minutes from my house I would have been horrified.

Heybebe · 01/04/2015 17:24

Going against the grain here. My mum moved to be closer to me when I had dd. We went from 2 and half hours drive away to 5 streets away. I love having her so close and we see each other at least once or twice a week. Her relationship with dd is fantastic I believe as a result. Having lived abroad and different cities for the past 10 years I appreciate her being so close. Interestingly most of my mums friends have also moved to be near their children and grandchildren.
The only downside is that I worry that we may have to move in the future.

IvanOsokin · 01/04/2015 17:26

But you remind me of a saying: A daughter you have for life. A son you have till he gets a wife.

I really hate that bloody saying! Maybe it's because I'm a mum to grown-up sons...

Anyway, as others have said, you can't know what she (and you) will want from your lives when she's an adult. And you can't follow her around!

NotInGuatemalaNowDrRopata · 01/04/2015 17:26

I live a 26 hour flight away from my dear, dear mum, not because I wanted to get away from her, but because we had job opportunities. Over the years she has often said to me not to move home on her account, and to do what's best for us. I'm hoping that as I grow older, I will be selfless enough to be able to say that to my own children but they better visit often or I will hound them til the day I die

DayLillie · 01/04/2015 17:26

I knew someone who planned what university her daughter would go to, what she would study, that they would sell their house and buy a flat near it and another smaller house to retire to.........Hmm when she was not yet 14 Confused.

You gotta let them do their thing! Just make sure you are contactable if it goes wrong.

Maliceaforethought · 01/04/2015 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OllyBJolly · 01/04/2015 17:28

Wait until their teenagers- you'll want them to move as far away as possible!

Joking apart, I agree that the job of a parent is to ensure your kids are as independent as possible. I grew up on a Scottish island where career choice was seriously limited. I'm one of five siblings and we are spread all over the globe.

DD1 left home to go to Uni at 17 and got a job 400 miles away. Following a relationship breakup she came home for a few months and now has her own place again and working 40 miles away. DD2 went travelling for a few years and is now studying in a city about 60 miles away. She plans to emigrate to Australia. We're all in touch most days via social networking.

When they have both definitely left, DH and I are planning a retirement to the remotest part of the Scottish highlands...

squoosh · 01/04/2015 17:28

most of my mums friends have also moved to be near their children and grandchildren.

Interesting. I don't know anyone, even friends of friends, who have moved to be a near an adult child.

littlejohnnydory · 01/04/2015 17:28

I'll be over the moon if all four of my dc live nearby but I won't follow them! It wouldn't be feasible with four anyway but I wouldn't want it done to me. I think you're assuming quite an intense level of involvement if she lives nearby too, think you'll have to be careful and take your lead from what your dd and her family want when she is an adult.

cupcakesandapples · 01/04/2015 17:29

I couldnt imagine being far from my mum (especially as shes on her own now and we're very close) and i hope my kids wont want to be too far away but i have prepared myself that this may happen at some point lol and i am planning to go on lots of exotic holidays at that point!

BackforGood · 01/04/2015 17:30

I think it's very weird, and very, very presumptuous to be planning to 'stalk' your dd.

Do you not have a life of your own ?
It's very sad to think that the only thing you have in your life is your dd.

Of course I'm not planning to up sticks and follow my dc wherever they settle (would be tricky anyway as I have 3 and can't see them all moving away, to the same place). I have a life here, where I live. I hope they settle happily wherever their work (or true love) takes them.

squoosh · 01/04/2015 17:31

I knew someone who planned what university her daughter would go to, what she would study, that they would sell their house and buy a flat near it

Now that really is suffocating. WHO wants their parents living nearby during their wild student days!