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AIBU?

Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

485 replies

LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 20:55

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

OP posts:
confusedandemployed · 31/03/2015 20:58

Umm. With the best will in the world, YABU.

The Christmas thing? Why are you more important than her folks?

As to the rest of it - well, none of it sounds very sinister to me. I wonder if she's subtly pointing out to you that your DS has his own family now.

UterusUterusGhali · 31/03/2015 20:59

Yabu.

Very.

He is focusing on his family now, as any grown man should do. Alternating Christmases is more than fair. As is spending it together.

You're really going to need to cut those apron strings.

Madamecastafiore · 31/03/2015 20:59

Your DS is growing up!

He is having an adult relationship.

You are not the centre of his world and he may actually have a mind of his own!

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 31/03/2015 21:00

It sounds like you don't think highly of your son at all, he is weak, vulnerable and has been brain washed by this girl and in a matter of months, so no great ties to your family?

SlaggyIsland · 31/03/2015 21:00

I'm not seeing that she'd doing anything wrong. YABU.

SaucyJack · 31/03/2015 21:01

She wants your son to marry her?!

Fuck me. What a bitch.

StripeyTulip · 31/03/2015 21:02

Reverse?

TrixieB123 · 31/03/2015 21:02

YABU. We alternate Christmases and spend Boxing Day with the alternate parents (I haven't done a Christmas dinner in 5 years, it's great.)

We also refer to our little unit as our family, because that's what we are, all your son is doing is growing up, you should let him or you'll end up being the nightmare mother in law which I'm sure is not what you want.

ilovesooty · 31/03/2015 21:02

I can't see that she's doing anything wrong either.

RatherEmbarassed · 31/03/2015 21:03

Oh dear, oh dear. Sorry but you are being completely unreasonable, and unrealistic in your expectations of your son. Of course his family is now with her and not you, just like you think of your family as you, your partner/husband and child(ren).

Moving away, wanting Christmas sometimes with her family or indeed as their own little family are completely natural healthy parts of growing up. Please please please be careful and try to adjust or you will just distance yourself from them further.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/03/2015 21:03

I was reading your post OP and expecting to agree with you. I think there are many examples of DILs-to-be who do just what you're suggesting. I'm sorry though, I can't get that from what you're posting.

  1. Your son had a bad experience with one girlfriend, he likes this one enough to want to marry her. Speed doesn't really come in to it, it will be on their timescale, not yours.


  1. Christmas. You've been spoilt where your daughter and her husband are concerned. It's normal and natural to want to spend Christmas with your partner and your children, that's what they want too - they're going to alternate. You will come to terms with it and you'll still see them.


  1. Your son's mind. Do you really want to give the impression of him being lily-livered and unable to think for himself? That's what you're doing. If the advice relates to both of them, whether it's solicited or not, they don't have to take it.


  1. If you feel a distance and a clawing back from your son's girlfriend then perhaps it's because you're doing that too. You don't really want her, you want him and perhaps she feels it so has started this involuntary competition with you. Put a stop to that right now because you will lose.



You're his parents and you'll never be out of his life but you do need to accept that he has new people in his life also and they are important to him, perhaps even moreso than you and his dad. Let him get on with it and always be there, that's what parents do and should do, but let him run his own life as he sees fit and do your best to find some common ground with his girlfriend because if/when they marry, she'll be part of your family too.
GinAndSonic · 31/03/2015 21:04

Wow. Just... wow. I mean... nope, ive got nothing.

ThreeFrazzledFandangos · 31/03/2015 21:05

YABU. All of that sounds normal.

Why wouldn't they alternate christmas or want to spend some alone as a family?

You need to back off a bit.

drudgetrudy · 31/03/2015 21:05

Difficult to tell.
I'm of your generation so not having a go but I do think YABU about Christmas-they will want to sometimes see her family too and may sometimes want Christmas alone.
It is possible that she is trying to distance him from his family but you don't give real evidence of this. Sometimes though our instincts are right.
All I can suggest is to let him know that you are always there for him but don't hold on to tight or you will definitely alienate him.

Reminds me of the old "If you love something let it go, If its yours it will come back".

In the same position I would focus on building my own life and interests but always let him know you care and take an interest in his life without interfering.

Fairylea · 31/03/2015 21:05

Yabu. It's time to cut the apron strings I'm afraid. ... I do understand it's painful if you've always been extremely close but it's normal for children to grow up and make their spouse and dc more important than their parents. In some ways as morbid as it sounds it the best way to be - when I'm gone I'd like to think my dc have strong and stable relationships to fall back on rather than being completely crushed without me.

If it's a case of her being controlling (and i'm not sure it is) then he will learn to break free soon enough but he won't thank you for pointing it out to him.

MrsGuyGarvey · 31/03/2015 21:05

You sound like hard work.

MarwoodsMate · 31/03/2015 21:05

YABU. It doesn't sound to me that your future DIL is doing anything at all other than being in a relationship with your DS.

I moved many miles from home to be with my now DH. Pretty common. I have gone through phases of not being keen on marriage for one reason or another. Then I fell in love and changed my mind. Pretty common. My DH and I always alternate families for Christmas. Pretty common.

If you feel pushed out it may be because you weren't keen on DIL to begin with "especially as she had a daughter". The fastest way to lose touch with your DS is to harbour hostile feelings towards the woman with whom he is in a relationship. Believe that - I've seen it happen (FWIW not with my DH as my ILs are wonderful).

MissYamabuki · 31/03/2015 21:06

Stripey got there first Wink

CarrotVan · 31/03/2015 21:06

YABU - of course they want some Christmases on their own and some with her family as well as with you.

A year is a fairly long engagement (I was engaged for less than 2 months)

Your family sounds quite claustrophobic and your son is spreading his wings.

Theknacktoflying · 31/03/2015 21:06

YABU

He is trying to set up his own life with his family and will eventually find a rhythm to how he wants to conduct his affairs.

Back off - doing what you are doing now is just going to drive him away and give your DIL more reason to make things unpleasant.

Mrsteddyruxpin · 31/03/2015 21:07

He has to have his own life op.
Were you controlling towards him? I am married a few years now and my mother didn't accept I have my own family now (or course my parents will always be my parents - they raised me) but you are being a little overbearing.

She wanted to move away so they could have their own space.

ThroughThickandThin · 31/03/2015 21:07

Oh OP, I think it's sad. But you have to let go of your DS. He's living his life now as an adult, and unfortunately for you he has other people in his life who are demanding of his time.

Look forward to seeing him, but don't be difficult if he alternates christmas etc, thats his life now. Appreciate him and his family when you see them.

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Mrsstarlord · 31/03/2015 21:07

YA definitely BU

There isn't a single part of your post which makes me think that you are not. Is there anything you haven't mentioned?

msgrinch · 31/03/2015 21:07

yabu. so unreasonable. Cut the cord..

Though to be completely honest this sounds very familia and I think your future dil knows me so I'm not going to say much more other than back off.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/03/2015 21:07

You are 'reeling' because your adult son wants to alternate Christmas between his partner's parents and yours? You need to give your head a wobble, frankly.

And if you are letting even one tenth of this attitude 'leak' to your DIL, I think you are lucky to be getting alternate Christmases, tbh.

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