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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To plan on living close to DD when she's grown up and ask your plans

141 replies

FallingDeeper · 01/04/2015 16:58

For when your DC no longer live at home?

My parents died when I was quite young so I'm fascinated by how grown up DC interact with their parents.

If that sounds weird, bear with me Smile

DH hasn't lived closer than two hours drive from his divorced parents since he went to university - and often much further away. He gets on fine with them but only speaks to them every couple of months and we see them three or four times a year for a day. I just can't imagine having that kind of relationship with DD when she's an adult.

Do you live close to your parents and, if not, why? Can you envisage only seeing your DC a handful of times when they are grown up?

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 01/04/2015 18:30

If you have a close relationship with your daughter, that will likely flow into a grown up version that suits you both. Whether or not she minds you moving near depends on that. Will she be glad to have you near enough to play grandma/have sleepovers? My mother inlaw moved closer to BIL in her 70s because she was needing so much assistance. She got another 15 years of living alone by living close enough for them to help her. A little at first. More now. She may need visiting carers as well, soon.

I would take her out for a mother & daughter meal and wine at some milestone growing up event and point out that you have never played the role of adult daughter, nor had your own mother of adult daughter to observe. Therefore, the two of you are going to have to pay attention and customise the relationship as you go along. This may be easier, in many ways, than what those of us with our own m&d relationships, and further examples with inlaws or grandparents have had to put up with.

duplodon · 01/04/2015 18:30

I totally understand where you're coming from OP as I have three under five and can't imagine my life not more or less revolving around them.

On the other hand, I work with teenagers and see that it would knock this out of you! I can't imagine my sweetie boys as big hulking pita teens but I'm sure it will change my feelings!

cece · 01/04/2015 18:34

I plan to buy a campervan (or similar) and travel the world as soon as I can!

Purplepoodle · 01/04/2015 18:38

I'm English and married an irish man. There was more work in Ireland so that's where we live.

museumum · 01/04/2015 18:39

I wouldn't follow my ds.
I left and then returned to where my parents live eight years later. I'd have been very freaked if they followed me in that interim period!

FunkyPeacock · 01/04/2015 18:43

It has never really crossed my mind what my 'plans' are in this regard but I have always assumed my DC will move away from our immediate locality once they leave home.

I don't come a family where it is the norm to be very close to adult DC and therefore find the idea of being very closely involved in adult DC's lives rather odd but I appreciate that for some families it is totally normal.

If either of my DC eventually settle somewhere that I really like and I feel it would be a positive thing to be closer by then I wouldn't rule out relocating but it's not really something you can plan for in advance IMO

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 01/04/2015 18:47

My dad always said he would move wherever we went and if me and my sister were one in America and one on Australia (or similar) he would have to find out where was halfway and move accordingly Grin

Personally I like this but I like my parents. I hope to be as close to DD when she's a grown up as I am- physically and emotionally- to my own parents.

Strokethefurrywall · 01/04/2015 18:53

I live 4000 miles away from parents and siblings, however despite the distance, I am spectacularly close to them, we talk on the phone most days and skype so they can see the little ones.

My sister currently lives 45 minutes drive from parents but parents are going to downsize in the next year and plan on moving closer to my sister so they can still enjoy as much time as my niece as they currently do.

Unlikely they would want to move where I am given the ridiculous expense of the place and the fact that they have a better and more hectic social life than most people I know.

We live in the Caribbean so depending on whether kids to to college in US or UK depends on where we "end up" - frankly we won't retire here anyway (not cost effective and totally boring after 30 odd years I think!) so it will depend on which one of my boys is most famous Grin

CallMeExhausted · 01/04/2015 18:56

I am estranged from my parents, but my mother moved 2000 miles away from the rest of the family when she was 60 or so. She did not return for my wedding or the birth of my daughter.

My in-laws, however, are quite close. When DH and I married, we lived about 130 miles from them, 3 years later, we moved to the same city they lived in (not because of distance, but employment). About 3.5 years later, we moved 130 miles in the other direction - again for employment.

None of these moves have distanced us, we speak several times a week, see each other at least once a month (we travel to them, or they travel to us) and use email/Facebook to keep in touch as well.

Distance is far less about geography, and more about commitment.

Mrsjayy · 01/04/2015 19:01

My mum lives over a main road from me I see her once a week she still works full time we are moving to her street soon looking forward to it. I see adult dd every day she still lives with us the bugger won't leave

Original poster
FallingDeeper · 01/04/2015 19:03

To be clear; we don't plan on following her to university (if she goes) or if she regularly moves about for work. I'm talking about once she's settled, although I appreciate that work circumstances might mean she'd want/need to move on again. And I'd deal with that if and when it happened. Trust me, no one knows better than me how much turmoil your life can be thrown into.

And I wouldn't depend on her to totally fulfil me - i don't now. DH and I have plans for when it's just the two of us - hopefully lots of travel. I just think it would be nice to be close enough to meet up for coffee rather than endure the long days we have with PILs because they live some distance away so when we do see them they feel obliged to stay as long as possible.

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 01/04/2015 19:03

Exactly CallMeExhausted , you can be very close if geographically apart and very distant if around the corner.
I have friends who were too dependant on their only DD and she went travelling after university, married an Australian and has been there ever since with no intention of coming back. Another friend's DD has married someone in RAF and has been to Germany, Scotland, Norfolk and Cyprus.
I really wouldn't worry about it- just enjoy the phase you are at.

Mehitabel6 · 01/04/2015 19:04

These days they don't tend to settle- they go where the work is.

Original poster
FallingDeeper · 01/04/2015 19:22

I would take her out for a mother & daughter meal and wine at some milestone growing up event and point out that you have never played the role of adult daughter, nor had your own mother of adult daughter to observe. Therefore, the two of you are going to have to pay attention and customise the relationship as you go along

Thank you, Momagain1. Wise advice and more sympathetic than those who are accusing me of being bonkers, peculiar and suffocating.

OP posts:
PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 01/04/2015 19:28

I read an article that people who earn more live the furthest away from parents, ie gone to work where money is.

I would dearly dearly hope my dc live near me, at least when they have dc...or within a few hours drive at least, I would be broken hearted if they moved to oz or something.

but such is life...

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 01/04/2015 19:30

Op a trend, i have noticed is that people do move closer to parents when have dc ( if they all get on)

Dowser · 01/04/2015 19:34

I was very upset when my daughter said she was moving away from living next door to us.

I mean it now takes a whopping 6 minutes to get to where she lives now . 7 minutes if the traffic is busy I mean, it's not on! Just what is the world coming too.

Then my son who lived 3/4 a mile away told me he was upping sticks and moving away. By this time I was reaching for the Valium and knocking them back with a neat brandy.

How was I going to cope with him being another 3/4 mile away further away. I mean that's another 6 or 7 minute car journey.

But you know what. You cope. You just have too!

GunShotResidue · 01/04/2015 19:36

I don't think you need to live nearby to be close. DH is army so we move every 3 years, at the moment we're 150 miles from our families (who luckily live very close together).

Now we have DD we skype my dad and MIL at least once a week and I send snapchats daily. We go to stay for 1-2 weeks 3 times a year and the odd weekend. MIL jokes that she's closer to DD than she is her local grandchildren!

RabidFairy · 01/04/2015 19:42

My sister and I both live close to my mum, but a lot of that is to do with the fact that mum has health issues that means she does need support from us. My dad moved a few counties away after my parents split up (part of the reason mum needs DSis and I to stick close by) but he's no great loss.

It's nice for my kids that they get to see their nana regularly. I never did; we moved around a lot, including abroad when I was growing up. That's not something I want for my kids. MIL lives close by, too, but we don't see her often. FIL moved away last year, too.

expatinscotland · 01/04/2015 19:43

Who knows how it will work out? Best to just go with the flow and not make any hard and fast plans.

BohemianRaptor · 01/04/2015 19:47

I'm in my 40's and a mum myself now. Am very close to my parents and they live 10 minutes away. I moved away for several years but am glad to be near her now and they love being around their gc.
I hope to be near ds when he's an adult but that'll depend entirely on what we're both doing with our lives in the future.

tomandizzymum · 01/04/2015 19:48

I have fluctuated between living 10 minutes round the corner to 5000+ miles over seas from both sets of parents. Unfortunatly to live close to one set, means living very far from another. We have had both scenarios to foster a bond between the children and their grandparents.

Because we have raised the DC's equally between two countries it is likely they could choose one over another and choose differently. I will take it as it comes.

TheLastMan · 01/04/2015 19:51

From personnal experience, it depends what your dd wants to do.
She might be moving quite a bit before settlinbg down. She might decide to live her life as an expat. She might decide to setlle down 2 roads down.

I saw little of my parents because I moved far away. Just as my parents moved far away from theirs. We still saty in touch every week. And saw each other as much as we could (which meant a week or two each year due to the distance).

Now that my parents have retired, they've done exactely what you are intending to do. Thye moved close to where I live!

mewkins · 01/04/2015 19:54

Op I know what you mean. I have little ones and can't imagine not being near them but it may happen one day! When I was at uni and in my first job I had a few years of being away from my parents. Close enough for day visits but I didn't see them a guge amount, though we would phone every ee days. When I had my dd I realised how important family was and luckily my parents were at retirement age and wanted to retire up to the home counties where we are. They live approx ten minutes away and they are very involved in my dcs'lives. It it lovely to be so close and we all help each other out.

Gruntfuttock · 01/04/2015 20:00

CarpeJugulum Your father spends half his time abroad with your MIL?