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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To plan on living close to DD when she's grown up and ask your plans

141 replies

FallingDeeper · 01/04/2015 16:58

For when your DC no longer live at home?

My parents died when I was quite young so I'm fascinated by how grown up DC interact with their parents.

If that sounds weird, bear with me

DH hasn't lived closer than two hours drive from his divorced parents since he went to university - and often much further away. He gets on fine with them but only speaks to them every couple of months and we see them three or four times a year for a day. I just can't imagine having that kind of relationship with DD when she's an adult.

Do you live close to your parents and, if not, why? Can you envisage only seeing your DC a handful of times when they are grown up?

OP posts:

WhoKnowsWhereTheChocolateGoes · 01/04/2015 20:02

We live half an hour drive from mine and two hours drive from the other, it's fine and we are close (emotionally) to both. We see the near set more often than the far ones but it's fine. I do have friends whose parents have moved to be near them once they have settled, I know mine have thought moving closer to us and decided against, I'm happy with that, I would feel we had to stay here whether we wanted to or not if they did move just to be near us. I do like the fact that we are near enough to mine that we can drop everything and get to each other in an emergency, it has happened twice in the last year and no one else in the family is close enough to do that. Whereas the ILs have all DH's siblings close by but not us.

I don't have any future plans WRT my DCs, it would be nice for us all to be fairly close, but I don't expect that to be the major factor in where we choose to live in future. I wouldn't deliberately move a long way from them though, but if they choose to do that, so be it.

riverboat1 · 01/04/2015 20:08

I moved to France a while back, and live here permanently now.

DP's parents live on the opposite side of the country, a 5-7hr drive away.

My mum lives in the UK. Were she to move here, it would put an enormous amount of pressure on me, as she would have no reason for being here other than me (her only child). I would have to change my life a lot to make it worth her while, and I already have a very busy life what with working full time, having a long commute, a stepson, and trying to make time to visit friends/family back in the UK on my weekend/holidays while alos seeing DP's friends/family here. I don't even have children yet!

I am fine with our parents being the distance they are. We still see them regularly, and I speak to my mum on the phone frequently. I am only sad about it when I think about me possibly having children of my own - not just for the practical reason of parents being around to help out with childcare, but for the children not having as close a relationship with GPs as they would do if they lived closer.

Both DP and I come from families where people have moved far and wide and are not stayed rooted in a certain area, or even country.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 01/04/2015 20:08

Well, you could move closer, away from the friends and community you live in now, but since uni, DH and I have lived in three towns, all miles away from each other. Therefore don't presume she won't move again.

PIL visit us every few months, we visit them every few months, same with my parents. We usually visit for a weekend minimum or more usually slightly longer than that. We also Skype/FaceTime PIL too but that's mostly for them to see our DD. I talk on the phone to my mum at least once a week. You don't need to live down the road to be close to someone and just because you do live locally it doesn't mean your DD will be available to see you all the time.

TheLastMan · 01/04/2015 20:14

river that's what my parents did and tbh I never found that it put me in the situation where I had to make it worthwhile. In my eyes (and my parents!), being able to see more more often is what is making it more worthwile.
And yes it doess help with the dcs too!

elQuintoConyo · 01/04/2015 20:15

I moved to EU when I was 23, never been back. Only sibling moved to NZ 10 years ago, never going back. DM has mentioned spending 6 months here/6 months there, which would be hell for me as she doesn't speak the language and doesn't want to.

Why can't adults be adults?

justonemoretime2p · 01/04/2015 20:18

I live quite close to my mum but she travels a lot, DP is used to having a very close relationship with her mum but her parents live a 3 hour train ride a way.
She comes and stays once a fortnight and dps dad comes down once a month, I think her mum would like to live closer but she enjoys the excuse to come to London for a weekend once in a while.

dollywobbles · 01/04/2015 20:19

We're 2-3 hours from all parents, our choice really as we left our hometown before we got married. My parents have since moved further away (Dh and I grew up in the same village).
Both sets of parents have other children closer and are really, really hands on with the grandchildren (to the extent that my Sil and Bil never had to pay for childcare!). We, due to distance and possibly timing (our son is the youngest grandchild by 10 years, so parents are all much older than when first granchildren were born) have had no practical help and don't really have much physical interest, which is fine, just different.

So, for me, I want to give DS the support we don't have but I see others have. I would follow him wherever he went, to be honest.
It's possibly a bit different for me though, as DS has AS, so I don't know for sure what his future holds. Whatever it may be, I want him to know I'm with him, always.

Indantherene · 01/04/2015 20:19

I lived 200 miles away from my DPs for 27 years. DC1 moved near them after Uni and we ended up in the same place 2 years later. Then the rest of the family followed us.

DC1 was not impressed and left the country

WyrdByrd · 01/04/2015 20:23

I've always lived in the same area as my parents - currently about 7 miles away. I'm am only child & we have no extended family locally. Now they are in their seventies it can be a bit tricky as they are more set in their ways, but basically we help each other out a lot & I'm glad I'm near enough to do that even if they are hard work occasionally.

I have just the one DD. In all honesty I'd be disappointed if she stayed local to us. I've always regretted not travelling & my career would have been very different I'd have actually had one if I'd moved elsewhere.

I just hope my relationship with her remains as strong & loving as it is now, wherever she ends up, even if we communicate more by Skype than in person.

CarpeJugulum · 01/04/2015 21:57

Can I just clarify and say my DF is married to my DSM not my DMIL.
I'd like to blame predictive text, but I think I was just inate stupidity!

Mehitabel6 · 01/04/2015 22:22

You are either close or you are not close- geography has nothing to do with it.

Callaird · 01/04/2015 22:28

I love my parents dearly, I would do anything for them.

However, they drive me insane! I haven't lived at home since I was 17 but every time I go to see them, they treat me like a child! I have to tell them where I am going and who with, how long I am going to be and what time I am going to be back.

For the last thirty years, I have not lived closer than 60 miles away from them. I see them every 4-8 weeks, I speak to them on the phone, some weeks 3 or 4 times a week, some times I dont talk to them for 4-6 weeks! I have gone 16 weeks not speaking to them but that was when I thought I would see how long it would take them to call me, they never call! Except my birthday!

We get on so much better when I live far from them. My brother on the other hand lives 5 minutes away and he sees them 2-5 days a week, depending on if he has a girlfriend!

I know they would drop everything to be with me if I needed them, which they have done and I would do the same.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 01/04/2015 22:55

CarpeJugulum I wondered if it made PIL situations easier or more complicated if your DMIL married your DF and your DFIL married your DM?

Shame your situation is not as interesting...

foslady · 02/04/2015 00:16

I have told dd these are her plans for the future

When she gets to choosing options at school we are going to look up which professions give automatic entry to the Caymen islands and she will pick her career from one of those. On qualifying she is to emigrate there and I will spend the Winter months living with her

Even though 12 year olds aren't expected to use the 'F' word, she got her point across to me!!!!

As long as she's happy I'd be happy wherever she lives so long as it's not permanently with me

Focusfocus · 02/04/2015 02:46

What?

I moved from India to uk for higher studies at 21 - moved to Germany with my first job - moved back to uk with second permanent job - met British man, married, set up home.

My lovely parents are still in India, settled into the final years of satisfying careers, supporting me with anything I need and not following me anywhere. See them once a year and everyone's happy. Might move to another country someday, they'd stay in India and wish me all the delights of the world.

I'd be very creeped out if my parents wanted to follow me.

ivykaty44 · 02/04/2015 03:01

How do you make new friends once you move? My grandparents lived in a seasispde town all their life and people would retire and move to their street and the within two years move back, as they found it hard to settle and all their friends were left behind. It was a dream to move to the seaside but the reality was very isolating and diffetent

NobodyLivesHere · 02/04/2015 03:02

Just to put a different spin on it. I live in the same village as my mother. We aren't in contact. Closeness geographically doesn't mean closeness in relationship and vice versa. My children should live where they want. No pressure from me.

TowerRavenSeven · 02/04/2015 03:27

I told ds the same thing, we'd move to where he was living. Dh stared at me and told me I was daft! I've since done a lot of talking to older friends to see what they think and Yes apparently this is not the way it's done. However if for instance he got married and had children and they needed and wanted help, then I can see this working.

UptheChimney · 02/04/2015 04:15

I just can't imagine having that kind of relationship with DD when she's an adult

YABU: there will be two people in the relationship, and your DD will be an adult. She is a separate person, and you need to respect tat, And develop healthy boundaries. And realise there is more to life than your children.

I miss my DS all the time. It's a physical ache. But he's pretty much a grown up. He travels a lot. I miss him, but I know he loves me in a very basic way. That's the way it is.

Don't be like my mother, who didn't have boundaries. I find it relaxing living several thousand miles from her. Sort of sad, but she never learnt boundaries.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 02/04/2015 04:39

We live 3000 miles from both our parents. To be honest, if either set of parents said they were coming out to join us, I'd be horrified! And DH and I are both from close, loving families. This just isn't their adventure.

I fully expect and accept my kids are going to migrate somewhere else. I think it's kind of weird to think we'd follow them!

houseofnerds · 02/04/2015 05:39

Also 3000 miles away from both sets of parents.

Interestingly I was pondering this the other day - we are currently looking at universities for dd1, and it struck me that we are entering a very different phase of life, where we don't call the shots. I have three children. I figure the best thing to do is to visualize a future where I have a secure and welcoming home that all three can visit if and when they want to. They will have to decide themselves whether their own homes are near or far. That's not my decision.

Instituteofstudies · 02/04/2015 05:43

I would consider it if dd needed me but otherwise I'd miss my life and my friends and would know no-one other than my dd and son in law if I moved to be near them. I would hate to have to make a new life for myself in my mid-50's. I've done that once after my divorce and it was eventually really worth it but bloody hard. Wouldn't relish it again. I wouldn't want my dd and her family to be the only people I had in my life. it wouldn't seem fair on them.

Iwasbornin1993 · 02/04/2015 06:15

We live 5 minutes away from my DPs and see them all the time, and about 20 minutes from OH's DM but only see her once every month or so. He just gets on a lot better with my family than his and always has so it's been this way forever.

Jackieharris · 02/04/2015 06:29

I didn't get on with my parents as a teen so purposely moved away to Uni.

In my final year they moved to my Uni town!

I get on better with them now and it has been easier having them close by for babysitting.

With my DCs, one I expect will move to London as I can imagine him working in the city much to my ethical disapproval. It wouldn't surprise me if he didn't even come back for Xmas. He probably won't even remember to send me a birthday card.

Dd on the other hand I imagine is more likely to stay closer. She can do the jobs she's interested in here and like me it'll be easier for childcare if she is near family.

As for houses I have no desire to stay in a big 4 bed once the DCs have left to go to Uni. I'd plan to downsize to a 2 bed flat then, preferably with a terrace with a view!

Bifflepants · 02/04/2015 06:39

My eldest DD has just started university (in February - NZ). It is really hard. Her childhood seemed to be over in a flash. I miss knowing all the little details of her life, which she always willingly shared with me. We talk on the phone a lot and have a fb message thread which we both hop on and off. I have one more DD at home. I didn't realise how hard it would be when they grow up and move away. I hope we will remain in regular contact throughout their adult lives, but I won't force it. It all happens so suddenly. Sniff.

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