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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To plan on living close to DD when she's grown up and ask your plans

141 replies

FallingDeeper · 01/04/2015 16:58

For when your DC no longer live at home?

My parents died when I was quite young so I'm fascinated by how grown up DC interact with their parents.

If that sounds weird, bear with me Smile

DH hasn't lived closer than two hours drive from his divorced parents since he went to university - and often much further away. He gets on fine with them but only speaks to them every couple of months and we see them three or four times a year for a day. I just can't imagine having that kind of relationship with DD when she's an adult.

Do you live close to your parents and, if not, why? Can you envisage only seeing your DC a handful of times when they are grown up?

OP posts:
springlamb · 01/04/2015 17:33

I have teenage DS and DD. We shall be living VERY close to them.
I have told them both that as our pensions haven't performed to expectations, we shall be purchasing a camper van and alternating between their drives, plugging into their electricity and using their water, six months here, six months there.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/04/2015 17:35

My parents are divorced and I live about a 30 minute drive away from each of them. I try and see them each at least once a week and talk to them twice a week on the phone.

My DH's dad lives on the same street as us and despite only bring 15 doors away we probably only see him once a fortnight.

TheFairyCaravan · 01/04/2015 17:37

DH is in the RAF so I've never lived near to my parents. We live about 45mins-1hr from PILs atm.

DS1(20) is in the army, in the past year he has been 3hrs away, then 4.5hrs away, he's just about to move 2.5hrs away. He's happy doing what he's doing and after 25 years of following DH, by the time he comes out, I'm not going to start following DS1!

DS2 is off to uni in Sept, between 1-2 hours away. He will settle wherever he gets a job. He can visit us whenever he likes, they both can.

Mrsstarlord · 01/04/2015 17:38

Crikey, I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow - can't even imagine what I'll be doing in 10-15 years time. But I certainly won't be stalking my kids around the country. I hope they will be independent and happy, if they are living 5 minutes down the road, fine. If not, I'll phone them!

leedy · 01/04/2015 17:39

I live near my parents, but not specifically to be near my parents IYKWIM - I ended up not moving from my home city so my job, friends, hobbies are all here. It has worked out very well in terms of spending time with grandchildren, etc.

DP, on the other hand lives a couple of hours drive from his parents because they live in a small village with limited job opportunities, he hasn't lived near them since he went to university, most of his friends are where we live now and most of his parents' friends and social life are in their village. They're very close but just don't see each other all that often.

Similarly my sister lives in a different country with her family - again because of her particular line of work, also her husband is from there. Again, she's very close to my parents, there are visits on both sides and phone/Skype chats, but they don't physically see each other more than a few times a year.

I don't particularly see a problem with either arrangement, myself - I hope to be close emotionally to my children when they grow up but not make them feel they have to live near me.

5madthings · 01/04/2015 17:39

I have five I am hoping they all move far and wide around the world and I shall visit periodically for a holiday. I want them to go out in the world and be happy, not to feel they need to stay close. I am hoping for one in America, one in Australia and sone in a European country... Actually I don't care where they live, I won't be dictating and certainly not following them where they go!

Ragwort · 01/04/2015 17:42

At the moment I plan to live as far as way as possible from my teenage DS when he leaves home Grin - but hopefully he will turn into a much nicer adult !

I really don't have any firm thoughts about this - I would genuinely encourage DS to follow his dreams and that might mean moving abroad. I also hope that DH and I will have a good few years to do what we want, which may involve travelling.

My parents moved away when they retired and had a wonderful post-retirement life for 20 years in a new, different part of the country. We only saw them 4-5 times a year (fortunately they lived in a lovely destination for holidays Grin). As it happens they have now moved closer to me as they are in their 80s - they are not needing any support yet but I guess the time may come when they do but we certainly don't see each other all the time. They have friends, hobbies and interests of their own.

BeeBawBabbity · 01/04/2015 17:45

My parents moved 400 miles to be near me, after I had my first daughter. I am an only child, they were retired and wanted to be involved grandparents. It's been fabulous in terms of childcare, but they haven't really settled or made their own friends. As such I feel very responsible for keeping them company and taking my Mum out wherever she wants to go.

We also are conscious that we couldn't really move away from here now, and feel a little trapped.

They didn't exactly run it past me before they moved, they called after they'd sold their house! I did think it was a good idea at the time.

Kewcumber · 01/04/2015 17:49

Well you can hardly decide in a vacuum without knowing what position you're all going to be in in 20 years.

Young adults will very often move several times for work - what would you do - stalk her around the country?!

My mum moved closer to my sister and I after her divorce so its not like I'm unfamiliar or disapproving of the idea of moving to be near your family but it seems really peculiar to have that idea in your head in advance.

The best gift you can give your children is an independent parent! (Or maybe and education?)

A close friend of mine moved to Scotland - his parents relocated when they retired and live across the road to him. But now they are in their 80's and he is unhappy and wants to move and doesn't feel he can now as they gave up their friends and neighbours to be near him and so he's stuck.

MummaV · 01/04/2015 17:51

When I first left home at 17 I didn't move very far but me and DM had a very strained relationship. My dad has been out of the picture for years. My DM moved about 200 miles away and we grew closer not seeing each other very often and instead spoke on the phone regularly. Now her first grandchild is due imminently and work has brought her back to my home town where I still live I am enjoying having her around more. (but it's still early days and the baby isn't here yet!)

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2015 17:59

I think the purpose of adolescence is to knock this sort of thinking out of your mind!

Mehitabel6 · 01/04/2015 18:02

It sounds very silly to me to plan it now- not to mention suffocating.
You can't possibly know. My son lives in London and we simply couldn't afford it. Another son had 3 Years in Europe. Your DD may emigrate.
If my mother had followed me around it would have been very expensive and involved her in 3 different areas. I am grateful that she has a life and isn't living it through me.
I think that the 'daughter all your life and sin 'til he gets a wife' is utter rubbish. How do you know you will get on with a SIL - or that he will want to see a lot of you?
Relax- give her roots and give her wings.

Devora · 01/04/2015 18:05

How old is your dd, OP? Grin

My mum always says that Nature makes sure that when they're little you can't bear the thought of ever being away from them (because if you could bear it, you would be running). Then adolescence hits... She calls the teenage years, "Nature's way of preparing you to let your little birdies leave the nest".

Devora · 01/04/2015 18:05

Oh, I see that ImperialBlether got there first Grin

Kewcumber · 01/04/2015 18:05

Ha Devora - my mum always says that teenagers are natures way of helping you let go of your children! Grin

shushpenfold · 01/04/2015 18:10

Nope - I live hours from my parents and hours from my DH's parents. Both sets would rather we were closer but we've moved regularly for my DH's job and they appreciate that we are doing what's best for us and the children. To be honest, it would have been difficult for either of them to move to be near us as we've moved so often. I hope that my children follow their dreams (sorry, tried not to say that as wanted to barf....the sentiment is real though Grin) and live where they want to. We'll just visit and have fab holidays nearby (and try not to be interfering old codgers!)

widdle · 01/04/2015 18:13

My mam always told me to do what was best for me (all through child-hood) whether that meant moving away (very likely as we come from a tiny village in Cumbria and what I eventually did) or staying close she just wanted what was best for me.

I always remember those conversations because my mam didn't have the great choices I had (married young, no qualifications, no freedom to travel etc). I'm grateful that she didn't put any expectations on me (except to do my best)

I think that's what you have to try to do with your kids.

I live thousands of miles away from my family but we are still incredibly close IYSWIM. I do feel sad that we don't see them as much as we would like (especially now that DS has come along) but it was very unselfish of my mam to say those things to me. Yes I feel guilt sometimes but never from her

Original poster
FallingDeeper · 01/04/2015 18:15

Thanks for replies, which I'm working my way through and finding interesting.

DH and I would only stalk move close to DD if that's what she wanted. We don't live anywhere near our hometowns but I've noticed that a lot of the school mums are women who returned here once they had DC or their spouses are from here and they've returned to have contact with and support from grandparents which I rather envy. I'd like to be there for DD and her family if she wanted.

DH and I are self-employed so can work anywhere and would find plenty to occupy ourselves/make new friends wherever we ended up so wouldn't be dependent on DD.

OP posts:
BadEmployee · 01/04/2015 18:16

No doubt I'll be flamed for this, but I don't like my parents. My mother continued to be a SAHM long after we all moved out and lives vicariously through us. It causes huge friction when she fails to understand that we all have jobs, spouses, DCs and hobbies and that we have limited time for her. My father has a bit more common sense but like her, his days revolve around gossiping with the neighbours and watching Judge Judy.

She also can't understand why we tell her only the vaguest information about our lives because she broadcasts anything we tell her and discusses things like private medical info etc with all and sundry. As the one who lives the closest, I get the worst of her refusal to acknowledge my independence. She sends me texts to make sure I've gotten to work ok. Hmm She lives 20 minutes drive away and DH and I are actively househunting 100 miles away because she is suffocating.

For the sake of your relationship with your DCs, you might want to avoid that kind of thing when they are adults

99pokerface · 01/04/2015 18:16

We have DS if he cooses to stay close as I a, at home full time I would be happy to take his future grandchildren pt and during the hoildays I have to say he has said due to yo this he will seriously consider staying close buy as child care can easily be over 1k a month

So if he had two child with me pt I would be saving him 1k a month food for thought he said

Andanotherthing123 · 01/04/2015 18:18

My ILs moved to live near SIL in a place she'd been settled in for 10 years. Four years later,just as they'd all built their lives around being together and grandchildren, SIL emigrated.My ILs grieved for a couple of years at least then moved back to their home town.They are not in the least clingy but the whole experience nearly broke them.

I live near my parents but it was never planned that way. And if I moved,they wouldn't move to be with me.

Don't make plans for your adult children-let them choose the life they want.

SaltySeaBird · 01/04/2015 18:18

I quite like the idea of stalking DD around the globe. Of course if we ever get a DC2 and they go in different directions it might be tricky!

We live 10 minutes from my MIL and FIL and DH sees them about three times a week - they help with childcare so some of that is drop off and pick up but he normally goes in for a cuppa.

My DM lives 20 minutes away and it's unusual for me not to see her once a week.

My DS lives 10 minutes away and I speak to her most days and see her most weeks too.

I'm fact there are four to five other family members living within 30 minutes we see a lot too.

I'm very lucky on the family front. I don't actually live anywhere close to where I grew up though - we kind of gravitated together after one of us moved.

bigbluebus · 01/04/2015 18:24

When I got married, I moved 50 miles away from my home town. After 4 years, DH was promoted which meant a move even further away from 'home'. We have been in our current location for 24 years now but it is only circumstances that have forced us to stay here. In different circumstances, DH may well have changed jobs/sought further promotions resulting in another move.
Moving house is very expensive IMO and I can never understand why people do it just for the sake of it. If you want to move to be near your daughter, I would suggest you only do it if you know for sure that she is going to stay in the area she is in. Moving multiple times to follow her around would be a strange thing to do IMO.

HormonalHeap · 01/04/2015 18:27

My parents are waiting to see where we move to and then will follow. There was nothing they wouldn't do for me whenever I've needed it- so why would I not want to be there for them in their old age.

Patapouf · 01/04/2015 18:28

I currently live very close to my parents, but up until recently I spent the majority of my adult life about 1000 miles away. Wasn't far enough quite frankly and I'd very much like to move again.

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