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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think stepkids' mum is losing the plot?

212 replies

AzureDress · 21/03/2015 08:25

I have 2 lovely stepkids (age 8 and 10) who I've known since they were tiny. Their mum left DP for another man when youngest was a baby.

DP and I moved in together 6months ago and we have the kids every other weekend. We're getting married this June.

Stepkids' mum re-married years ago and lives 20 mins drive away. She has social anxiety and avoids me whenever possible, communicating mainly via DP. Since I've been living with DP she's become increasingly fussy about everything I do with the kids... from what I feed them to how I dress them, even telling DP I must not tell them ghost stories (when they ask me to) because she is religious! She is also very odd about their clothes... despite recieving £800 per month child-maintenance from DP she always asks for more, saying things like she can't afford new school shoes! DP thinks this is reasonable and says kids are 'expensive'. He also pays half of all school trips (usually 2 each per year including ski trips) and goes half with her on their birthday presents in addition to getting presents from us. She's a sahp by choice and her new husband's a waiter so doesn't earn much.

She refuses to provide clothes for kids to wear on weekends they spend with us. She insists I make them change out of 'her' clothes as soon as they arrive and must put on 'her' clothes again before they leave. I have to return 'her' underwear in a bag which is not always easy as kids tend to take socks off around house or leave pants down side of bed. Today when she dropped them off she crossly told me she was missing one of DD's socks and a pair of knickers from 2 weeks ago!! As if this is very very important.
She is also scathing about the clothes I buy for her kids. She buys expensive brands, I buy Next and for playing in garden I get Primark as it tends to get ruined by grass-stains, mud etc. She saw a photo of DD wearing a pink tracksuit (DD's choice) and told DP it looks tacky and I'm not to dress her in pink!
Confused

What's going on? AIBU or is she?

OP posts:
TheCowThatLaughs · 21/03/2015 08:29

Why is it youdressing them in pink and finding their discarded socks, and not their father??

wherethewildthingis · 21/03/2015 08:32

Indeed.

BallsforEarrings · 21/03/2015 08:34

YADNBU she is a control freak and is making life very difficult for you!

I would be saying to DP 'we can't do things like this all the time as it's just not practical or necessary but some of the time it's possible to indulge her OCD if it's that important to her, if she wants this sort of nonsense she will have to be more flexible' something like that, and then let him tussle over/establish new boundaries with regard to her impossible to follow regulations.

I feel very sorry for you and the children, what a tense environment she must create for them at her home with all the 'rules'. Sad

OwlCapone · 21/03/2015 08:34

She needs to butt out.

mommy2ash · 21/03/2015 08:35

their father should be doing all this. at only six months in you have way too much involvement and responsibility

frumpet · 21/03/2015 08:35

Your DH needs to tell her that he will dress them in whatever he feels appropriate for the time they spend with him , their parent .

ApocalypseThen · 21/03/2015 08:36

She's a stay at home parent with the temerity to have opinions? She should learn her place.

CitySnicker · 21/03/2015 08:36

Pink....velour? It does look crappy to be honest. She sounds like right pain though. Pass on to the appropriate person (boyfriend). Why are u buying his kids clothes after living together 6 months?

Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 08:37

DP probably wouldn't notice if they wore PJs all day. He's never had much to do with childcare. Before I moved in she used to provide all their clothes, take all their laundry home with her and gave him frozen meals to heat in microwave.

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 21/03/2015 08:38

She's a stay at home parent with the temerity to have opinions? She should learn her place.

Don't twist words. This has fuck all to do with a SAHM "learning her place"

Dailylurker · 21/03/2015 08:39

Send them back in 'your' clothes & insist they come back in them, pass the responsibility back to her for returning socks and pants.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, at a guess I would say she feels threatened by your relationship with the children now you've moved in together and is trying to hold onto her role as mum and boss.

Hopefully as she gets used to the idea then things will settle down.

Good luck

kewtogetin · 21/03/2015 08:42

I think you need to step back, you are waaaaay too involved. You only moved in together 6 months ago, yet you're buying their clothes and by the sounds of it doing drop offs/pick ups? The financial agreement between them is none of your business, by all means have an oponion but if your partner wants to buy them school shoes or pay for half of a school trip then he bloody well should do without you whinging about it. If you have children together and separate wouldn't you want the same?
She obviously has mental health issues/anxiety and seeing her children go somewhere new, to be parented by you for the weekend is quite rightly upsetting.
Moaning about her being religious and choosing to be a sahm are both just petty. I don't think your 'complaint' is anything other than a bitching session.
Nod and smile, return the clothes, keep your nose out of her life and everyones happy.
FWIW I would not be happy if you were telling my children ghost stories either.

goshhhhhh · 21/03/2015 08:43

Apocalypse Then - ffs

What Dailylurker said.

YouBetterWerk · 21/03/2015 08:43

She does sound bonkers.
But:
he doesn't have much to do with childcare
How odd. It's normally the new step parent that's not as involved.

Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 08:44

I agree the tracksuit was a bit bright but DD was so excited to choose it. It's brushed-cotton not velour. Apparently their mum chooses all their clothes for them at home.

OP posts:
OhMjh · 21/03/2015 08:46

They have been living together for 6 months, not together for 6 months.

I dislike how posts like this are flipped on the DP so often in a 'well HE should be doing x,y & z, not you'. OP, I'd be finding it incredibly frustrating that she is behaving like this too. It's clear that her issue is you, not any of the things you're apparently doing wrong - never have I known anyone to ask for underwear back in a separate bag Hmm It sounds to me that she is doing all of this to 'put you in your place' somewhat, by having you do as she wishes even when she isn't present. What's your DP's opinion on all of this behaviour?

waithorse · 21/03/2015 08:48

You are far to involved. They have a mother and a father, you are neither. You have only been living with there dad for 6 months. It's time he started having something to do with childcare.

waithorse · 21/03/2015 08:50

Forgot, to add, she does sound hard work.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 21/03/2015 08:50

For those saying their father should be doing all this.... What?!

The OP is not viewing her role as a step mother as some kind of by standby. She is getting stuck in. She is mothering these children, providing a loving caring home for her step children. And some of you seem to think that as a step mother she shouldn't be picking up socks! You seem to think she should be standing by the sidelines watching her partner father his children. I totally disagree.

OP, you are. In a difficult position. You don't go in to detail re the relationship you have with the mother, but if it is half way decent, perhaps you could have a chat with her? If not, just ignore and continue as you are doing. Trying to do what she asks, but not pandering to her. Good luck.

ChopOrNot · 21/03/2015 08:53

I would turn it all around. Yes she is being a PITA but as PP have said clearly has issues/feeling threatened.

Sympathise with her - and suggest that as she is worried about their clothes you will provide some Next stuff in a bag the next time she picks them up. They can then put those on at her house and then none of her clothes need cross your threshold. They can go back to hers in Next clothes - which they can wear the following weekend.

This way it is her having to get the children changed. Her having to chase clothes up and keep a specific outfit together. It may make her realise she is being silly.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/03/2015 08:54

Your DP needs to run interference with her. She can't micro manage what they do, wear Etc while with you and your DP needs to put some boundaries in.
The clothes thing is stupid but just do it. But if she starts giving opinions on what they wear and what kind of stories you tell - it's not her business. If their dad is happy with it then he needs to tell her so and refuse to discuss it further.

ApocalypseThen · 21/03/2015 08:56

Well there's some reason that the precise outgoings of the children's father (and it comes across that the OP thinks it's excessive) were set against the precise financial situation of the mother while also criticizing her. My opinion is that the OP thinks that this non earning woman is getting far too much money and should shut up and be grateful and us irritated by her refusal to do that.

Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 08:57

Thanks for responses. DP thinks she is 'fussy' but usually agrees with her for an easy life and says its just the way she is.

We've been together 7 years but she didn't let them stay overnight until a year ago as she felt they were too young and didn't want to be away from them at night. We used to take them out on day-trips instead.

She always returns 'my' underwear (washed and ironed) in a plastic bag although I've told her she doesn't need to as I've bought plenty.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 21/03/2015 08:59

I pay far more than 800 pounds a month to raise my kids and I still have to pay for school trips as well as clothes and shoes.
They are extras and if your dp pays half towards them and is happy to do so then it's really none of your business.

popalot · 21/03/2015 09:00

It'll probably settle. Sounds like she's not used to having another woman helping with the clothing/feeding stuff she was used to organising for your DH. Give her time, she'll start to chill. From her point of view, she's allowing another woman to dress/feed/nurture her children and it sounds like it's freaking her out a bit. But over time, I'm sure she'll start to relax as she realises you have the children's best interests at heart.

Having sent my dd off in the past and she's come back with hair plaited a way I don't like or nails painted or a dress on I wouldn't buy it's a bit unsettling but you soon get used to it. It's like having to share your child rearing with another woman. And if she doesn't know you it can be all the more difficult for her. I would stay away from telling them ghost stories tho, they are a bit young and might have trouble sleeping at night and mum might find it a bit annoying.

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