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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think stepkids' mum is losing the plot?

212 replies

AzureDress · 21/03/2015 08:25

I have 2 lovely stepkids (age 8 and 10) who I've known since they were tiny. Their mum left DP for another man when youngest was a baby.

DP and I moved in together 6months ago and we have the kids every other weekend. We're getting married this June.

Stepkids' mum re-married years ago and lives 20 mins drive away. She has social anxiety and avoids me whenever possible, communicating mainly via DP. Since I've been living with DP she's become increasingly fussy about everything I do with the kids... from what I feed them to how I dress them, even telling DP I must not tell them ghost stories (when they ask me to) because she is religious! She is also very odd about their clothes... despite recieving £800 per month child-maintenance from DP she always asks for more, saying things like she can't afford new school shoes! DP thinks this is reasonable and says kids are 'expensive'. He also pays half of all school trips (usually 2 each per year including ski trips) and goes half with her on their birthday presents in addition to getting presents from us. She's a sahp by choice and her new husband's a waiter so doesn't earn much.

She refuses to provide clothes for kids to wear on weekends they spend with us. She insists I make them change out of 'her' clothes as soon as they arrive and must put on 'her' clothes again before they leave. I have to return 'her' underwear in a bag which is not always easy as kids tend to take socks off around house or leave pants down side of bed. Today when she dropped them off she crossly told me she was missing one of DD's socks and a pair of knickers from 2 weeks ago!! As if this is very very important.
She is also scathing about the clothes I buy for her kids. She buys expensive brands, I buy Next and for playing in garden I get Primark as it tends to get ruined by grass-stains, mud etc. She saw a photo of DD wearing a pink tracksuit (DD's choice) and told DP it looks tacky and I'm not to dress her in pink!
Confused

What's going on? AIBU or is she?

OP posts:
EveDallas · 21/03/2015 10:04

I don't oversee toothbrushing. DD is 9 and more than old enough to do it herself. Poor, poor neglected DD Wink

Is there a 'proscribed' amount of time that a person MUST be single following a break up before dating again? 6 months? A year? Better stay off the relationship threads then, especially those who find love following a bereavement.

CitySnicker · 21/03/2015 10:04

Endearing?!?!! You're making a rod for your own back. If u split, would u be happy him having your kid for a couple of weeks hols by himself? Maybe it's only endearing so far as it isn't ur kids.

TwinkieTwinkle · 21/03/2015 10:05

Also, OP didn't ask for anyone's advice on whether her partner is a good enough father. She lives with him, she sees it all and I'm sure she is more than capable of deciding if he is, without anyone else piping up. She asked for advice on his ex's behaviour, no need to start picking apart her life.

Samcro · 21/03/2015 10:06

I thought op lived in a flat

AGirlCalledBoB · 21/03/2015 10:07

Why is your oh not buying their clothes, feeding them etc.

To be honest nothing you wrote sounds too bad too me. This sounds like a woman adjusting to the fact her kids are staying with another woman and so does not want you doing too much or overstepping it when to be fair her ex should be buying their clothes and feeding them the food. Clearly she had no problem with what he was doing, it's just you.

EveDallas · 21/03/2015 10:08

How is that relevant Sam?

CitySnicker · 21/03/2015 10:08

Twinkle, the ex's behaviour could be very much a result of her boyfriend's inability to parent tho....to a certain extent. Maybe they are both to blame equally.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 21/03/2015 10:13

Child neglect?! Don't be ridiculous.

My Dad was and is an amazing father, my mother is a controlling narcissistic who emotionally and physically abused him for years before they split (it can work both ways you know). She then continued the emotional abuse and blackmail so it took a long time for him to stick up for us and himself over issues like clothes we wore when with him and Step-mum. Doesn't mean my Dad was a shit father or abusive, far from it. In this scenario it's actually sounding to me like the mother who will do most damage.

I wish you well with your pregnancy OP, you sound like a good Step-mum (letting kids get muddy and play in garden is surely GOOD parenting and part of playing). I think you need to be firm with DP about taking more responsibly for day to day parenting.

Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 10:13

Eve, I love the tracksuit/PJ story. I can totally imagine DP doing something like that!

Jackie, I disagree that it's neglect. When he realised DD had no shoes he gave her a piggy-back the last leg of the walk and both kids thought it hysterically funny.

I fully intend to teach him about childcare when our baby arrives, and involve him in a way his ex didn't. He said she was possessive over the children when they were little and insisted on doing everything. He said he felt excluded and was expected to just earn money while she got to enjoy the kids. Going from this role to suddenly caring for an 8 and 10 year old overnight is a big jump for a man with no experience of childcare.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 21/03/2015 10:15

OP you're DP sounds like a fuckwit. It is not endearing to not notice your children don't have shoes on.

Yes the children's mother is being a little bit demanding but she doesnt strike me as your biggest problem.

Maliceaforethought · 21/03/2015 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 10:19

Samco we do live in a flat (3-bed duplex with communal gardens). What does that have to do with it?

OP posts:
IrmaGuard · 21/03/2015 10:19

No experience of childcare? Shock!

AGirlCalledBoB · 21/03/2015 10:21

Reading the rest of the thread, I would be more concerned about the man beside you than his ex whose lets face is not bad, a bit annoying perhaps but the kids are hardly abused and neglected.

Your oh only has his two kids, for two days out of fourteen and he does nothing? You feed them, dress them, go buy there clothes? Seriously and you complain about his ex???

Tell your oh to get off his useless arse and parent his kids! How laughable you complain about his ex when clearly by your own admission their father can not be trusted to take them out alone.

This is what really annoys me about step-parent threads, slag the mother down to the ground and ignore all the father does.

MrsDeVere · 21/03/2015 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 10:22

I've just read your other thread about your threesome seeking smoker 'friend'.

You should be on tv!

I especially liked "DP and this girl had a brief fling when they were both dating other people."

Was this him cheating on the ex this thread refers to? Kind of scuppers your criticism of the ex cheating when you and your DP are both cheats yourself.

Poor DCs!

TwinkieTwinkle · 21/03/2015 10:22

This place is fucking mental. OP Partner is equally to blame for his ex wife cheating on him?! No one would even contemplate saying that to a woman on here if she had found out her partner had cheated. It would be all 'LTB!' 'Nothing you have done makes you to blame' etc etc.

Way for gender equality....Hmm

diddl · 21/03/2015 10:22

If he has an 8yr old & a 10yr old that he hes been having eow for some years, how can he be clueless??

MrsDeVere · 21/03/2015 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

basgetti · 21/03/2015 10:31

What is endearing about a grown man who is too useless to ensure that his children are given even basic care? And he has an 8 and 10 year old who he has had regular contact with but you will be expecting to teach him about childcare due to his lack of experience. Why would anyone put up with this shit?

Aliiiii · 21/03/2015 10:37

I have read this thread with interest
I am the mum and I often ask for certain items to come back here, for a reason
My ex lives around 2 hours away n DS sees him eow
Certain items of clothing, football kids ect my DS wears regularly and I don't think I'm being OTT. It's not like he's round the corner for items to be dropped back
Apparently, my ex's wife told my son this was 'ridiculous'!
Quite frankly I couldn't give a fuck what she thinks!
I also always send back 'their' clothes out of courtesy

Maliceaforethought · 21/03/2015 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CitySnicker · 21/03/2015 10:39

But it's perfectly understandable that OP can pick up the reins of parenting of his children.....because she's a woman....but boyfriend needs time how to learn how to be a father cos the ex wouldn't let him? Sounds like boyfriend likes strong women to look after him to be honest. It's got to be like having another child. Surely he should be champing at the bit to be a proper father....but no....he's letting his new g/f take up the reins. He shouldn't be like some kind of pet. Unless that's exactly what you want OP....then you can get him told re reducing maintenance.

honeyroar · 21/03/2015 10:41

I think £600 on presents is ridiculous. We probably don't spend that on my stepsons presents as well as those for other people. We probably spend £200 on him for his birthday, £200 for Xmas and his mother does the same. When he goes to parties, if he's going from our house we buy the present, if he's going from his mum's she does. No one parent pays for everything, we share.

basgetti · 21/03/2015 10:42

How did his wife find time to have an affair when she had a tiny baby that she insisted on doing everything for? Was this before or after his affair with the friend?

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