To think stepkids' mum is losing the plot?

[AzureDress]

I have 2 lovely stepkids (age 8 and 10) who I've known since they were tiny. Their mum left DP for another man when youngest was a baby.

DP and I moved in together 6months ago and we have the kids every other weekend. We're getting married this June.

Stepkids' mum re-married years ago and lives 20 mins drive away. She has social anxiety and avoids me whenever possible, communicating mainly via DP. Since I've been living with DP she's become increasingly fussy about everything I do with the kids... from what I feed them to how I dress them, even telling DP I must not tell them ghost stories (when they ask me to) because she is religious! She is also very odd about their clothes... despite recieving £800 per month child-maintenance from DP she always asks for more, saying things like she can't afford new school shoes! DP thinks this is reasonable and says kids are 'expensive'. He also pays half of all school trips (usually 2 each per year including ski trips) and goes half with her on their birthday presents in addition to getting presents from us. She's a sahp by choice and her new husband's a waiter so doesn't earn much.

She refuses to provide clothes for kids to wear on weekends they spend with us. She insists I make them change out of 'her' clothes as soon as they arrive and must put on 'her' clothes again before they leave. I have to return 'her' underwear in a bag which is not always easy as kids tend to take socks off around house or leave pants down side of bed. Today when she dropped them off she crossly told me she was missing one of DD's socks and a pair of knickers from 2 weeks ago!! As if this is very very important.
She is also scathing about the clothes I buy for her kids. She buys expensive brands, I buy Next and for playing in garden I get Primark as it tends to get ruined by grass-stains, mud etc. She saw a photo of DD wearing a pink tracksuit (DD's choice) and told DP it looks tacky and I'm not to dress her in pink!

What's going on? AIBU or is she?

Why so nasty? Bitter ex-wife?

Me? No. Still married to husband #1. I just can't understand why women won't look the man they're with in the face for what he is but prefer to blame some other woman all the time. This lad has completely abdicated responsibility for his children, yet it's his ex who's all wrong while the OP is contemplating all she'll have to teach him when they're own kid comes along. Only he's no more going to get his act together when that happens than the cat. He's perfectly well settled with everyone making every possible accommodation to make sure he never sees the consequences of his utter fecklessness.

I will confess, I find that tendency frustrating.

That is why you are still married to your first spouse and this guy has family after family.

"Yes, but being a father doesn't mean a man has much hands-on childcare experience."

Hahahahaha!

Well depending on the job there's usually some chance every day!!

"He was working full-time and she was a sahp. From what he says, she made all decisions to do with the children and did all the caring, since this was how she wanted it."

And he was obviously OK with it too!

As far as the DC are concerned they are old enough to choose what they wear with little guidance and to take responsibility for putting dirty clothes in the appropriate bag etc.

The fact that they seem to get little opportunity to make decisions and have responsibility is not good for them long term.

The dc will adapt to different rules in different homes, hopefully their Mum will feel less threatened over time.

Can't believe how judgemental some people are!!
Being scatty or forgetful doesn't make you a bad parent. Losing a pair of shoes on a walk isn't neglect. I found that story funny, it could so easily have been my friend's scatterbrained DH! I'd also expect an 8-year-old to put their own shoes on, tie own laces and remember to brush own teeth, so IMO the mum is in the wrong here. OP's DP was deprived of having his kids overnight until last year (by overprotective ex) so of course he's clumsily blundering his way through late and learning as he goes along! He's lucky he has OP to help him, she's doing an admirable job.

I think you sound as if you are a great step mum and love your step children. I wish you joy in your future family and the best of luck.

"Yes, but being a father doesn't mean a man has much hands-on childcare experience."

This says so much about what you think about men, fathers and gender stereotypes with regards to parenting.

He can't just get away with 10 years of blaming his wife, now ex for his own lack of parenting effort.

You've been with him for 7 years- say you have been ttc for some time- so why is it only now (you've joined mumsnet) his lack of childcare skills has become an issue for you?

How is his and your relationship with the DSC's? How do they feel about you having a baby? How do they feel about these new overnight visits at dad's? Are you going to have room for all of them in your flat? 10-11 years is a big age gap- how are you planning on entertaining all 3 at once? Is DP still going to be working a lot at weekends or is he going to leave all this to you?

There is so much going on here- clothes are such a non issue.

azuredress what you describe in terms of why he is having to learn how to take care of the kids is very similar to my dp. his ex was very controlling and anything he tried to do with the kids was met by her overruling him or dismissing his ideas. some women are dead against dad's being involved at all. and I was told by her not dp so it's not him taking me for a gullible idiot. my dp's exw is very proud of the fact that she has pushed dp out of everything.

in fact only a fortnight ago she stated to me over a discussion regarding issues with dss and bullying at school that she doesn't see why dp needs to be involved as he doesn't live with dss (which was her choice as she was shagging about because she was "bored" in her words because dp was always at work providing the overpriced house she demanded they bought)

Sorry!! I think my post wasn't worded well!
I'm not THE mum as in the one the op is talking about, I meant I'm a mum who is in the opposite position!
Think that makes even less sense!

No don't worry Aiii I'm an idiot. I realised straight away what you meant, after I'd posted!

I would just ignore her and not get all caught up in her petty rules and regulations OP. & probably feel a bit sorry for her too, tbh, she doesn't sound very well. Who knows what causes anxiety in people's lives..? & you don't know what her relationship was like with your DP either, even though you may think you do based on what he's told you. I've not read full thread as its very long but whilst she sounds unreasonable in some ways, much of it sound like the usual "his ex is a bitch" story based on what the saint of a man has told current partner...