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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think stepkids' mum is losing the plot?

212 replies

AzureDress · 21/03/2015 08:25

I have 2 lovely stepkids (age 8 and 10) who I've known since they were tiny. Their mum left DP for another man when youngest was a baby.

DP and I moved in together 6months ago and we have the kids every other weekend. We're getting married this June.

Stepkids' mum re-married years ago and lives 20 mins drive away. She has social anxiety and avoids me whenever possible, communicating mainly via DP. Since I've been living with DP she's become increasingly fussy about everything I do with the kids... from what I feed them to how I dress them, even telling DP I must not tell them ghost stories (when they ask me to) because she is religious! She is also very odd about their clothes... despite recieving £800 per month child-maintenance from DP she always asks for more, saying things like she can't afford new school shoes! DP thinks this is reasonable and says kids are 'expensive'. He also pays half of all school trips (usually 2 each per year including ski trips) and goes half with her on their birthday presents in addition to getting presents from us. She's a sahp by choice and her new husband's a waiter so doesn't earn much.

She refuses to provide clothes for kids to wear on weekends they spend with us. She insists I make them change out of 'her' clothes as soon as they arrive and must put on 'her' clothes again before they leave. I have to return 'her' underwear in a bag which is not always easy as kids tend to take socks off around house or leave pants down side of bed. Today when she dropped them off she crossly told me she was missing one of DD's socks and a pair of knickers from 2 weeks ago!! As if this is very very important.
She is also scathing about the clothes I buy for her kids. She buys expensive brands, I buy Next and for playing in garden I get Primark as it tends to get ruined by grass-stains, mud etc. She saw a photo of DD wearing a pink tracksuit (DD's choice) and told DP it looks tacky and I'm not to dress her in pink!

What's going on? AIBU or is she?

OP posts:

Original poster

AzureDress · 21/03/2015 12:27

Mumoftwo, I agree he needs to work less at weekends. His job is Mon-Friday but he often brings work home or gets caught up in research he finds interesting.

Charley, yes his ex re-married but chooses not to work.

OP posts:

workhouse · 21/03/2015 12:33

JoanHicksonMIfive So the OP leads a different sort of life to you and what you consider 'the norm' it is allowed you know.

Why do people on this thread feel entitled to pull apart the OP's lifestyle. The AIBU isn't about what she and her husband get up to in their private life. FFS we aren't living under the Taliban.

OP you sound like a loving stepmum who has a lot of fun with the kids, your DH does sound like a bit of a twit to be honest, and you may find the shine wears off when the new one arrives. YANBU .

Debinaround · 21/03/2015 12:37

I haven't read your other post op but going by what you have said in here I can't understand why your getting a hard time. You sound like you love your DSC and enjoy looking after them. Some people do!

I think it's lovely you buy them clothes. Can't see why some people are getting their knickers in a twist about it.

The ex sounds way over the top. She needs to be told by your DP to back off about the clothes and underwear shite. He doesn't interfere with what she dresses them in and she should do the same when his kids are with you.

Yes in the past she might have sent meals and had to keep a close eye on what clothes were sent back and forth but now your living together she needs to stop and leave you to get on with it. Their father has chosen you as his partner so you are involved in their lives if she likes it or not.

She chose to have kids with this man, she chose to leave him so she can't then have absolute control over what clothes they wear and what food they eat and certainly no control over who he decides to spend his life with. She can't have it both ways.

DrCoconut · 21/03/2015 12:38

The speculation about lecturer salary depends where he works.£29k for full time is the going rate where I am.

Lucked · 21/03/2015 12:39

Back to the original OP I like the idea of giving her clothes, try and make them something she wouldn't hate and they can get dressed once in the morning before they come to you. Send them home in similar for use next time. I would carry on as is with regards the clothes you buy for your house.

As for everything else we don't know if the dad would ever have been a neglectful parent. Don't most families have at least one story like the shoes story? I can give you lots of examples of things done by both my scatterbrained parents that I am sure would raise eyebrows but I was not neglected and these children haven't been neglected to date either because of arrangements with his ex and then his gf. This is between them and not any of our buissness unless the op asks for help on this matter. He sounds like a colleague of mine he's got six kids and and has to be micromanaged if left with them. His wife is a doctor who works 80% of full time hours and very happy as I knew her before I worked with her DH. Not a partner or life I would choose but they are happy.

Charley50 · 21/03/2015 12:40

OP, Well that's nice for her she chooses not to provide an income for her kids and relies on your partner to do it. But as he is soon going to have another child she will have to accept the reality that financial support may drop a bit. That's life.

CitySnicker · 21/03/2015 12:43

Would it drop if kids now go to a dual-income household tho?

Charley50 · 21/03/2015 12:45

I think you sound lovely OP.

diddl · 21/03/2015 12:47

I think that you need some of these for handover!

Charley50 · 21/03/2015 12:47

Lecturer salary round my way (London) is around £38000 too.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 21/03/2015 12:50

@ didl.

Nothing she has said has made me think this man is neglectful of his DC.

JanineStHubbins · 21/03/2015 12:56

Those are starting salaries. Lecturers progress up a payscale annually. Hence the point about 7 years experience (at least).

(As an aside, 29k is v low for a lecturer salary - I was earning that as the standard postdoc salary 6 years ago in the part of the UK with the lowest salaries in higher ed.)

dreamingbohemian · 21/03/2015 13:00

I actually can understand why the ex is so rigid about the clothes, if the shoes story is anything to go by. She probably got tired of losing stuff.

As for the not being capable lecturers don't just waft around talking in lecture halls, there is a fuckload of admin and organizational stuff, lots of policies to follow, tonnes of deadlines, etc if he can keep on top of all that, he can certainly do basic childcare of his own children FFS.

wheresthelight · 21/03/2015 13:03

I don't get why the clothes thing is such am issue for people. I buy all dd's clothes and I also take dsd and dss shopping when they need nee things for here. like a lot of men (my dad included) dp hates shopping he also has no idea where does age appropriate clothes for dsd and it is far less stressful all round for me to take them. that doesn't make him a shit dad it's called playing to your strengths.

the shoe incident is a bit daft but at 7 & 9 as I assume they would have been last summer the kids are more than capable of remembering to put their own shoes on and shouting up when they realised they hadn't. I actually found the story quite entertaining and something I could have seen my own dad doing when we were kids.

I lost a pair of dsd's shoes on the beach last summer, she had taken them off to paddle, we had walked a long the beach a fair way and couldn't remember where we had pit them. she had to walk to the car barefoot - it hasn't harmed her in the slightest and remains a good story to chuckle at when discussing our family holiday. it's hardly neglect as some fools on here seem to think

diddl · 21/03/2015 13:03

"I actually can understand why the ex is so rigid about the clothes, if the shoes story is anything to go by. She probably got tired of losing stuff."

Sounds plausible.

i wouldn't have thought that it was that difficult to keep track of what she sends them in.

They are also old enough to have some responsibility themselves.

Oldraver · 21/03/2015 13:06

I'm not surprised the ex asks for clothes back in a bag if he has form for walking off and leaving her shoeless

and really OP you thought that deserved a

She has probably had to be a bit controlling as he is feckless

basgetti · 21/03/2015 13:06

I don't think he'd remember to check if they'd brushed their teeth, had clean clothes, were in bed at reasonable time etc. He's very kind and loving with them but often struggles to understand what they need or why.

I would consider this neglectful.

CitySnicker · 21/03/2015 13:07

Why would they start taking responsibility? Their father doesn't!

Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 13:08

OP you seem to be rather obsessed with the 'she chooses not to work' line.

Are you going back to work ft after your mat leave when you have this baby? When you have another and childcare costs £200 pwk per child?

Lots of women of primary school aged DCs, esp with fathers who do t pull their weight don't work because they can't get jobs in school hours and can't afford after school and holiday care. You have never mentioned your DP providing any of this childcare. I think you underestimate how hard it is to work with 2 DCs of that age esp if you have given up your career to be a carer in the early years.

CitySnicker · 21/03/2015 13:12

I would consider it 'neglectful' too. 'Neglect' infers social services would want a word, but it doesn't stop him being 'neglectful.' There are different degrees of it surely. Occasional forgotten shoes and occasionally forgetting to brush their teeth is one thing. But this seems like a pattern. If you don't start 'training him up now' you are looking at being a single mum in effect when yours comes along. You are currently being more of a parent them that he is. While people are saying OP is being a great step-mum, yes, this is true, but by her actions she is continuing to allow her boyfriend to be a poor father.

Phephenson · 21/03/2015 13:12

Who irons underwear???
Good luck with your DC as your DP sounds rather feckless.

YANBU about the clothes, if you are providing clothes when the stay it's none of her business what this consists of as long as it's appropriate (shoes are not optional, hope your DP realises this now).

SwirlyThingAlert · 21/03/2015 13:17

I see the other mum has replied to the thread. Has anyone else noticed?!

Phephenson · 21/03/2015 13:20

The actual other mum or someone saying that she is that mum in her own situation? What page?

diddl · 21/03/2015 13:21

I agree that if she doesn't send clothes for the weekend then what they are dressed in isn't her concern.

But really if they take clothes off & lose them, it is probably as easy to change them when they arrive & put them back in "her" stuff to leave.

"Going from this role to suddenly caring for an 8 and 10 year old overnight is a big jump for a man with no experience of childcare."

That didn't happen if they split when the youngest was a baby, surely?

He may not have had them both overnight immediately, but it hasn't only just started!

Phephenson · 21/03/2015 13:26

swirlythingalert do you mean Aliiiii on page 4? I thought she just meant that she is a mum in the same position, not The Mum - although that would certainly make this thread more interesting!!?

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