To think stepkids' mum is losing the plot?

[AzureDress]

I have 2 lovely stepkids (age 8 and 10) who I've known since they were tiny. Their mum left DP for another man when youngest was a baby.

DP and I moved in together 6months ago and we have the kids every other weekend. We're getting married this June.

Stepkids' mum re-married years ago and lives 20 mins drive away. She has social anxiety and avoids me whenever possible, communicating mainly via DP. Since I've been living with DP she's become increasingly fussy about everything I do with the kids... from what I feed them to how I dress them, even telling DP I must not tell them ghost stories (when they ask me to) because she is religious! She is also very odd about their clothes... despite recieving £800 per month child-maintenance from DP she always asks for more, saying things like she can't afford new school shoes! DP thinks this is reasonable and says kids are 'expensive'. He also pays half of all school trips (usually 2 each per year including ski trips) and goes half with her on their birthday presents in addition to getting presents from us. She's a sahp by choice and her new husband's a waiter so doesn't earn much.

She refuses to provide clothes for kids to wear on weekends they spend with us. She insists I make them change out of 'her' clothes as soon as they arrive and must put on 'her' clothes again before they leave. I have to return 'her' underwear in a bag which is not always easy as kids tend to take socks off around house or leave pants down side of bed. Today when she dropped them off she crossly told me she was missing one of DD's socks and a pair of knickers from 2 weeks ago!! As if this is very very important.
She is also scathing about the clothes I buy for her kids. She buys expensive brands, I buy Next and for playing in garden I get Primark as it tends to get ruined by grass-stains, mud etc. She saw a photo of DD wearing a pink tracksuit (DD's choice) and told DP it looks tacky and I'm not to dress her in pink!

What's going on? AIBU or is she?

I agree that a step parent role is not a role on the side lines it is a full parental role!

I would have been so grateful if my children were mothered with love by my exh's wife I think sometimes they were but exh made things difficult at all times.

I've always treated my step-son the same as my own throughout which is possibly why we are so close now.

Re finances, I do think her asking for more each month is excessive. Surely £800 a month is enough to feed and clothe two children? I have friends who manage on a fraction of this. She has no mortgage on her home. We're expecting a baby so legally her CM would reduce once DP has another dependent, although she rang DP in a panic when she found out I was pregnant and said she couldn't manage on less. I do think finances are the stepparent's business since whole family is affected.

I disagree. OP shouldn't be buying clothes, feeding or getting the kids dressed, (cos if it was your boyf they might stay in pj's all day). He sounds like a lazy toad tbh. Your first problem is getting him to act like a proper father....then you can start picking up on the proxy parent bit. She's directing her concerns at you cos he's not taking up the parenting reins. Time for him to stop throwing cash at the Problem and pull his finger out.

I think the real crux of the issue is now you're pregnant you want him to pay less money? Why? Why should she accept less money for her children because he's got somebody else pregnant?! If he can't afford to support three children then he shouldn't have three children. You knew of his financial obligation before you got pregnant so must have been happy to do so.

My opinion is that the OP thinks that this non earning woman is getting far too much money and should shut up and be grateful and us irritated by her refusal to do that.

And my opinion (as a SAHM and RP to 3) is that the mother has no right whatsoever to be making demands about what the children do or do not wear or what they do whilst with their father. My opinion is also that if she thinks she does not have enough money and the father is paying an appropriate amount, she should get a job.

She sounds OTT but in fairness your dp has been a fairly poor father to them, uninvolved, unable to cook, and she needed to micromanage. He does not mind paying her to do all the childcare b/c he does not want to be asked. Money well spent. I would carry on dressing them in fun pink jumpsuits they choose themselves, and let dp take any flack for lost socks and underwear. That is a very long way from being your problem. Lovely that you enjoy the sdc and long may you continue buying them 'inappropriate' clothing to get muddy in! Just remember to admire their mother b/c very few parents iron knickers and that is uber-mothering.

Why should she accept less money for her children because he's got somebody else pregnant?!

His future wife is pregnant, not "somebody else"

If he can't afford to support three children then he shouldn't have three children.

And if the mother cannot support her children on the appropriate level of child maintenance, she should get a job.

Yeah I think your fairly useless DP has created this situation and I do believe you will have trouble on your hands having a baby with him. But I'm sure you already know that.

Kew, I have no problem with him paying the £800 a month but I think he should stop giving her extra every time she says it's 'not enough'. I feel she needs to manage her money better, eg if she can't afford new school-shoes, should she be buying them new outfits from Boden every month? If she can't afford to pay her half of a school trip, should she be taking them on fancy holidays? I think she should get a job if she wants luxuries instead of expecting us to maintain the lifestyle she's become accustomed to.

The whole situation says a lot more about your DP than the ex, Before you were on the scene she sent over clothes and meals for the children? FFS is your DP a speshul snowflake not subject to menial things like feeding and dressing his own children?

It's going to be such a hard time when your own children come along, serious chats need to be had with him about his behaviour, the ex is a red herring here.

Why is it youdressing them in pink and finding their discarded socks, and not their father??
Haha only on mumsnet.

And there it is ......' You knew his situation before you got together...' Blah blah. Only a matter of time before someone trotted that out. Also you have been told 'it's none of your business etc you are not their mother etc' whilst someone else will tell you you should 'treat them as your own' etc etc.
As a step parent you can't win. I would carry on as normal and just dress the children how you and they see fit. Your DP will need to have a word if needed. It should settle down soon enough.

I somehow missed the pregnancy. Well at least you already know how useless he is at practical fathering and that you will be doing everything the lazy sod can't be asked to. you may also decide at some point you would rather take the money and not have to cook and clean for him on top of the dc.

looking after your dc one weekend a fortnight is hardly 'childcare' he should want t be caring for them he spends most of his time away from them! how sad

Oh what a load of goady bollocks.

OP has been in a relationship with her fiancé (and his children) for 7 years. She moved in with him 6 months ago and is marrying him later this year.

The ExW has remarried, is a SAHP, is mortgage free and gets a very good amount of money from her ex.

Yet she STILL thinks she has a right to interfere in what her children's FATHER chooses to do with his kids?

Load of bollocks.

OP, you are doing nothing wrong except pandering to this loon. Your fiancé needs to man up and tell her to gtf.

The whole thing sounds v old fashioned. The man is there to bring in the money and they women are there to deal with the kids.

I think the real crux of the issue is now you're pregnant you want him to pay less money? Why? Why should she accept less money for her children because he's got somebody else pregnant?! If he can't afford to support three children then he shouldn't have three children. You knew of his financial obligation before you got pregnant so must have been happy to do so.

I just knew this old chestnut would roll out soon. If DM can't manage then she needs to get a job like most women do. This isn't the 1950s.

She should accept less money because that's the law. The new baby is every bit as important as the existing children. It makes me so cross to see people think that children of the first family have some God-given right to the moon on a stick and second family children have to just suck it up. No they don't.

That's a horrible way of thinking but so common among first wives here on MN.

azure unfortunately on mumsnet you and dp will always be the bad guys for some people!!

you are perfectly correct that his ex needs to learn to manage or get a job to afford the luxuries and £800 plus all the extras is a lot of money in cm.

your dp does need to stand up to her and point out that it is none of her business what the kids ear/wear at his home and that he won't tolerate any more of her interference.

you sound like you are doing a great job as a stepmum!!

Yeh, but the FATHER's choice is to let his GIRLFRIEND do it.

I'm with some of the pp it's not your role to be their parent, that's for their mum and dad, don't tell them ghost stories, it's unnecessary.
I imagine their mum is understandably anxious being away from her children and probably feels she is losing control.

Re DP's role, I don't think he is lazy about parenting, just a bit clueless and bewildered by it. He's often wrapped up in work at weekends so doesn't have time to cook or do laundry and can be absent-minded. I don't think he'd remember to check if they'd brushed their teeth, had clean clothes, were in bed at reasonable time etc. He's very kind and loving with them but often struggles to understand what they need or why. If given specific instructions he'll carry them out, but parenting doesn't come naturally to him.

I wouldn't want to be having a DC with a man who's not been much of a father to the DCs he already has. Does this not worry you? Will your soon to be DC have another stepmum in a few years?

I easily spend over £800pcm on my 2. Food is £50+ each a week. Meals out/takeaways/school dinners extra. Clothes/shoes/uniform/sports kit easily £30 each PCM. Then there's travel/ petrol/parking/bus. What about holidays? Extra curricular activities are £10-20 pwk per child. Then there's birthdays/Christmas/parties and presents for their friends/teachers. That's another £50pcm.

Then there's the indirect costs like internet, extra electricity/gas. Fine she doesn't have housing costs but big occasional expenditure like kids bedroom furniture is very expensive.

So I don't think £800pcm is a lot and you should absolutely not reduce it if you have another DC.

The kids are 8 and 10. It was their mothers choice to split up their family and she reaps what she sowed when she is 'anxious being away from her children'. Maybe if she hadn't been fucking around she wouldnt have to miss them at all?

So he couldn't be trusted when he had them before you moved in. Actually, I think the ex wife is doing the right thing; she's overlooking past the kids shitey father and going straight to the person she knows will be parenting her kids. You are enabling your useless boyfriend.

So.... your argument is that dp is not too lazy to parent his children, but too stupid. That ain't a lot better op.