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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think stepkids' mum is losing the plot?

212 replies

AzureDress · 21/03/2015 08:25

I have 2 lovely stepkids (age 8 and 10) who I've known since they were tiny. Their mum left DP for another man when youngest was a baby.

DP and I moved in together 6months ago and we have the kids every other weekend. We're getting married this June.

Stepkids' mum re-married years ago and lives 20 mins drive away. She has social anxiety and avoids me whenever possible, communicating mainly via DP. Since I've been living with DP she's become increasingly fussy about everything I do with the kids... from what I feed them to how I dress them, even telling DP I must not tell them ghost stories (when they ask me to) because she is religious! She is also very odd about their clothes... despite recieving £800 per month child-maintenance from DP she always asks for more, saying things like she can't afford new school shoes! DP thinks this is reasonable and says kids are 'expensive'. He also pays half of all school trips (usually 2 each per year including ski trips) and goes half with her on their birthday presents in addition to getting presents from us. She's a sahp by choice and her new husband's a waiter so doesn't earn much.

She refuses to provide clothes for kids to wear on weekends they spend with us. She insists I make them change out of 'her' clothes as soon as they arrive and must put on 'her' clothes again before they leave. I have to return 'her' underwear in a bag which is not always easy as kids tend to take socks off around house or leave pants down side of bed. Today when she dropped them off she crossly told me she was missing one of DD's socks and a pair of knickers from 2 weeks ago!! As if this is very very important.
She is also scathing about the clothes I buy for her kids. She buys expensive brands, I buy Next and for playing in garden I get Primark as it tends to get ruined by grass-stains, mud etc. She saw a photo of DD wearing a pink tracksuit (DD's choice) and told DP it looks tacky and I'm not to dress her in pink!
Confused

What's going on? AIBU or is she?

OP posts:
EveDallas · 21/03/2015 09:39

But it's not £800 per month. It's £1600 per month - because the RP is expected to put in the same amount as the NRP.

...and without a mortgage, with a DH and with enough money coming in to be a SAHP. £1600 is MORE than enough.

CitySnicker · 21/03/2015 09:40

Maybe if her husband hadn't been a useless father she wouldn't have met someone else.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 21/03/2015 09:43

I'm maybe looking at this slightly differently as I'm the daughter of a very controlling Mother. My mother behaved like these children's mother in that she'd dictate what we should wear/eat/do even when with my father and he'd go along with it for a quiet life to make it easier on all of us. I don't understand why some people are kicking the OP down for trying to be a good step-mum to the kids by taking on some of the responsibility of parenting. However, I do think OP that your DP does need to tell the DC's mum to chill out a bit!

EveDallas · 21/03/2015 09:43

Maybe she's just a control freak that made it impossible for him to be a 'decent' father.

And what is a decent father? Because a man that works full time to bring home enough money to enable his wife to be a SAHP IS a bloody decent father in my eyes.

Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 09:43

To illustrate point about DP being absent-minded... last summer he took them for country walk (by himself). DD took her shoes and socks off to paddle in a stream. She forgot to put them back on and completed rest of walk with bare feet (a 40-minute walk across fields during which they stopped for a picnic)! It was only when they reached the road and she complained feet were hurting that DP realised shoes were still by stream Grin

OP posts:
Springtulip · 21/03/2015 09:44

When I read threads where it mentions how much some dads pay for their kids it angers me about what my DD receives. Her well paid ex husband pays £5 a week for their DD because the useless CSA or whatever it is they call themselves these days accepts his lies about his earnings. Self employed dads can literally name their price. My DDs situation is like the OPs in reverse, it is him who moans (yes he's got that much cheek) about the clothes my Dd sends her in when he chooses to see her. There's nothing wrong with the clothes but he says they're cheap looking. If it wasn't for the fact my DGD loves her dad my DD wouldn't send her. Sorry for ranting, I couldn't help it.

CitySnicker · 21/03/2015 09:45

The poor child.

Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 09:46

evedallas But it's not £800 per month. It's £1600 per month - because the RP is expected to put in the same amount as the NRP.

Huh? Afaik cm is based on nrp's income. I've never heard of this 'rp has to put in the same amount' thing before Confused

If the ex's DP is on c. £200 pwk nmw waiters wages they will probably get c. £200 pwk tax credits and chb. That isn't much to live on. DP obviously has a higher incone so should be paying what he is required to.

OP it sounds like you are having a DC with what can only be described as a 'deadbeat' dad.

I'd love to hear the ex's side of this.

CitySnicker · 21/03/2015 09:49

Chicken or egg then. Either he's always been flakey and ex took up complete control, or she's always been controlling and he just went along for an easy life. In either case he needs to change...now.

ElsieMc · 21/03/2015 09:49

800 per month is a hell of a lot; as a carer for two children I have only ever received around 130 per month and paid for all clothes, sports kit, clubs, school trips etc.

BUT I have had my gs returned with a new school coat with the zip broken (they put it on over his head), strap ripped off school shoes (new kickers) and fastenings broken on jeans etc. It hurt me to see his lack of pride and consideration for his son. I decided to send him in his uniform only - to be sent back to school in. This meant his dad had to buy him some clothes. The frustration and cost of having to replace clothes became a real issue for me.

Your DP seems generous financially, but not with his time. Just go along with her underwear arrangment as she needs to feel you are respecting her. Clothes issues are a constant source of frustration and falling out amongst separated families. You know it's not the underwear, she sees you as taking her place and making decisions for her children.

EveDallas · 21/03/2015 09:50

Azure,

My DH was SAHP from the start. I once came home from work and railed at him because DD was still in Pyjamas and I was pissed off he'd been so lazy (DD was about 2 then). He didn't understand why I was annoyed.

Turned out he'd put pyjamas on her thinking they were a tracksuit - he'd taken her to town, to the park and to soft play wearing them. Oh the shame Grin

Oh and he managed to put a pair of shoes on her that were two sizes too small and were in a charity bag ready to donate.

Hopeless.

Bilberrycrumble · 21/03/2015 09:50

It can't carry on like this, the kids thinking it's normal to have to take off clothes when switching houses. This is mad.

Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 09:51

evedallas you have a low opinion of men if you think someone who doesn't notice his child has walked for 40 minutes without shoes is decent just because he has a job!

If I was the ex I'd be going to court to stop unsupervised contact with someone who neglects a child in their care. If a mum was neglecting a child like this there'd be a ss investigation.

EveDallas · 21/03/2015 09:52

Huh? Afaik cm is based on nrp's income. I've never heard of this 'rp has to put in the same amount' thing before confused

Yes 15% of income for half the child's living costs. Why *wouldnt^ a RP not pay for their own child? If there wasn't a NRP would the kids live on fresh air?

Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 09:52

Base9, I didn't say he was stupid, just absent-minded and not tuned in to children's needs. He's very academic but not very practical (which I find rather endearing). I think being a good parent means loving, caring and providing, so in that respect he's doing his best.

OP posts:
EveDallas · 21/03/2015 09:54

Fuck off with 'neglect' - save that for the really neglected children. These kids are no where near neglected.

timeaftertimeagain · 21/03/2015 09:55

'parenting doesn't come naturally to him' then he needs to work harder at it not pass it over to you. Neglecting basic needs like tooth brushing is pure self involvedness and selfishness.

honeyroar · 21/03/2015 09:56

It's no wonder she didn't want to leave them with him overnight til you came along. He sounds hopeless!

As for the £50/wk to feed each child Shock. I spend that on feeding my whole family home cooked good good, and that includes school and work packed lunches. And £600 a year on presents for friends and teachers!!

I think that it sounds as though she has had to be a bit over protective. It is a bit strange asking for clothes back in a bag, but probably solves the things getting lost problems. We always find we're popping round to ss's other house to pick up boots for D of E or scouts.

Don't rise to her. Give her the clothes back, smile, but other than that keep enjoying and loving them and don't take much notice of the OCD ness. Stepchildren can be lovely and your own child will live them.

Ps, we pay for half of holidays etc but not clothes and shoes.

honeyroar · 21/03/2015 09:57

Grr blinking auto correct!

I meant good food and your child will love them not live then!!

Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 09:59

OP I have 2 lovely stepkids (age 8 and 10) who I've known since they were tiny. Their mum left DP for another man when youngest was a baby. but you have been together 7 years- so he didn't take long to recover from her running off did he?

It's just not good enough for him to not cook, not do laundry, not dress his DCs, not oversee tooth brushing, not put them in bed at a reasonable hour. He isn't a fit parent. Child neglect harms DCs. Yet you are having another with him! Begets belief!

Samcro · 21/03/2015 10:01

op you have a very busy and confusing life, going by this and your other thread.

Tizwailor · 21/03/2015 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwinkieTwinkle · 21/03/2015 10:03

If I was the ex I'd be going to court to stop unsupervised contact with someone who neglects a child in their care. If a mum was neglecting a child like this there'd be a ss investigation.

I willing to bet you have never actually seen a neglected child. What a fucking ridiculous and nasty statement.

TheWintersmith · 21/03/2015 10:03

always me too - no choice in clothes, stuff laid out for me that I had to wear. I still have ishoos now!

Op, you are getting a bit of a rough time, but bloody hell, your dh sounds useless. I think you are very quickly going to start to resent him to the point of despising him if he keeps this up when the baby comes along.

Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 10:04

Eve the op's own description of her dp's parenting is neglect.

Honey £600 is including Xmas and birthdays/parties. I have DCs that age, that is what we spend and we aren't well off.