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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think stepkids' mum is losing the plot?

212 replies

AzureDress · 21/03/2015 08:25

I have 2 lovely stepkids (age 8 and 10) who I've known since they were tiny. Their mum left DP for another man when youngest was a baby.

DP and I moved in together 6months ago and we have the kids every other weekend. We're getting married this June.

Stepkids' mum re-married years ago and lives 20 mins drive away. She has social anxiety and avoids me whenever possible, communicating mainly via DP. Since I've been living with DP she's become increasingly fussy about everything I do with the kids... from what I feed them to how I dress them, even telling DP I must not tell them ghost stories (when they ask me to) because she is religious! She is also very odd about their clothes... despite recieving £800 per month child-maintenance from DP she always asks for more, saying things like she can't afford new school shoes! DP thinks this is reasonable and says kids are 'expensive'. He also pays half of all school trips (usually 2 each per year including ski trips) and goes half with her on their birthday presents in addition to getting presents from us. She's a sahp by choice and her new husband's a waiter so doesn't earn much.

She refuses to provide clothes for kids to wear on weekends they spend with us. She insists I make them change out of 'her' clothes as soon as they arrive and must put on 'her' clothes again before they leave. I have to return 'her' underwear in a bag which is not always easy as kids tend to take socks off around house or leave pants down side of bed. Today when she dropped them off she crossly told me she was missing one of DD's socks and a pair of knickers from 2 weeks ago!! As if this is very very important.
She is also scathing about the clothes I buy for her kids. She buys expensive brands, I buy Next and for playing in garden I get Primark as it tends to get ruined by grass-stains, mud etc. She saw a photo of DD wearing a pink tracksuit (DD's choice) and told DP it looks tacky and I'm not to dress her in pink!
Confused

What's going on? AIBU or is she?

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 21/03/2015 10:44

Do we know it was a full blown affair? Or she met someone else, realised husband wasn't what she wanted, and left him for a new boyfriend?

DrankSangriaInThePark · 21/03/2015 10:47

The £££££s issue here is completely irrelevant I think.

You've just moved in with someone you've been with since his other children were tiny, so whilst she might have been the one who left, it didn't take him long either, did it? So I think you really need to stop with the stones in glass houses thing OP.

You are clearly very insecure about him, and who could blame you. Are you concerned that he'll be as useless with your child as he has been thus far with his others? Is that what all this is about?

Maybe try a thread in Relationships, because between the lines, you're going to need one.

And just wow to your other thread. What an interesting life you all have.

MrsDeVere · 21/03/2015 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 10:51

MrsDe, duplex means a flat with 2 levels (ours is across 2nd and 3rd floor).

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 21/03/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ByTheWishingWell · 21/03/2015 10:56

The clothes thing is a bit strange really. I can't understand why particular pair of socks and knickers need to be kept at each house.

I do think the bigger problem is your DP though (even apart from the fact that you don't trust him to not have sex with someone else while his pregnant DP is asleep upstairs!). If something happened to you and your DP was left to care for your baby, do you think that he would provide a decent level of care? Such as remembering to clean teeth and give medicine if required, providing a healthy balanced diet and weather appropriate clothing?

IrmaGuard · 21/03/2015 11:02

Good God. I read this thread thinking op's p sounded somewhat...deficient as a parent. Then I read the smoking one. Good luck with the new baby, op, I think you're going to need it.

Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 11:03

Honey £600 is for 2dcs so less that what you quote.

BrainyMess · 21/03/2015 11:07

Hmm something doesnt seem right here...

Your DP is "cute" when he fails to notice his daughter has no shoes on.
Oh how we laughed! Hmm

Yet...
The ex is an cheating overprotective nutter bordering on a breakdown???

Your painting your DP as wholly the innocent and the ex as the villain of the piece.

When the baby arrives I fear you will learn a lot about your DP.

FWIW I'm a stepmum too.

Purplepoodle · 21/03/2015 11:08

You sound fine with your situation with df so why worry about other people. As for step kids. As soon as they get to yours and their dad's, change them and pack away all their mums clothes. Let them just wear your stuff. Easiest way.

base9 · 21/03/2015 11:09

OP you sound like a great step parent and your dp's ex is finding it hard or impossible.to relinquish control. I worry for you as your dp sounds proper useless and I doubt it will be endearing when he is too absent-minded to ever change a nappy or cook them a proper meal while you work late. I admire your optimism in that you are betting against his history and his present and are convinced he will be another dad to your dc. Good luck with that.

dreamingbohemian · 21/03/2015 11:10

Oh FFS not being able to feed or properly clothe your own children, not making sure you spend all your time with them on the 4 days a month you see them, is not 'endearing' or being a good parent.

Why are you waiting until you have your own child to 'teach him childcare'??? He has children he could practice on now!

clam · 21/03/2015 11:10

Ffs, I've been reading this thread with my jaw dropping open. Not interested in "other" threads, so going on the info in this one only.

MN is getting absolutely bloody ridiculous these days, with people piling in to trumpet their opinions which have nothing to do with anything. The OP is acting in loco parentis when these girls come to stay. She's in a long-standing relationship with their father and expecting a baby with him. Are there seriously people out there who think she should sit back and not take practical help to feed/clothe them, because "it's his job?" Everyone organises their households to suit themselves so, just because in our house, dh does all the food shopping and cooking whilst I do most of the housework/DIY doesn't mean everyone should do the same. So, why the hell should the OP sit on her hands and ignore these girls' needs just because some absolute loons on here think it's "not her place?"

Oswin · 21/03/2015 11:14

Yeah she sounds controlling, but it sounds like till you came along she had to be. He can't look after children off that age alone? Not right. The ex even had to send meals with the children. That is so bloody odd.

fedupbutfine · 21/03/2015 11:14

The kids are 8 and 10. It was their mothers choice to split up their family and she reaps what she sowed when she is 'anxious being away from her children'. Maybe if she hadn't been fucking around she wouldnt have to miss them at all?

oh step parenting double standards. How many times is is literally screamed on there that:
a) if he had an affair, it was obviously the wife's fault because she got fat/was miserable/focused on her children/wouldn't work/was abusive....
b) that he didn't leave his children, only his wife
c) that cheating on his wife doesn't make him a bad father
d) that children have a right to a relationship with their father, even if he had an affair because he's entitled to leave an unhappy relationship and it isn't a reflection on his parenting skills.

Yet a mother who has an affair is simply reaping what she has sown and getting what she deserves?

GraysAnalogy · 21/03/2015 11:16

The worse of MN does seem to come out when step parents are involved.

For what it's worth OP you sound like you're doing brilliantly. However you are enabling your DP. no-one magically knows how to be a parent, he needs to step up more and stop acting so clueless.

In regards to the ex, boundaries need to be put into place because this sounds ridiculous.

And those going on about £800, lots of us have raised our children on a lot less so yes factored in with whatever benefits this woman will be recieving she should have ample to raise her children with! If she doesn't feel that way she can do what we all do and get a job.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 21/03/2015 11:19

I do think her asking for more each month is excessive. Surely £800 a month is enough to feed and clothe two children?

Wow I would also be dressing mine designer with this budget!

Meals out/takeaways/school dinners extra. Clothes/shoes/uniform/sports kit easily £30 each PCM. Then there's travel/ petrol/parking/bus. What about holidays? Extra curricular activities are £10-20 pwk per child. Then there's birthdays/Christmas/parties and presents for their friends/teachers. That's another £50pcm.

Goodness, we eat out maybe once every few months, and then its cheap, you only buy uniform once surely? I got four pinafores in sainsbos 25% off last year, came to about 4 each or something v cheap. £50 p month for presents for christmas, once and two bdays> And I assume the mother is contributing here as well?

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 21/03/2015 11:21

Op it sounds really sweet, that you let your step choose their own clothes, its good for them to be around someone more care free, shall we say.

I dont like Primark and I let DC out in normal clothes, H and M has nice stuff and its cheap.

GraysAnalogy · 21/03/2015 11:23

Basically the people working out budgets seem to think the DP in this should be paying for everything it would seem.

And 50 a month on presents for people?! You clearly arent skint or anywhere near being hard to do if that's even a feasible option.

Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 11:31

Basgetti, his fling I referred to in other thread (DP and friend) happened when they were teenagers, before he met his wife. I don't know the ins and outs of why his wife had an affair, I just know she met someone else and left him suddenly when DD was a baby. He doesn't like talking about it. I met him soon after she left, he was very depressed and barely managing to look after himself.

I do think of him as quite vulnerable. He seems to really struggle with everyday things other people find easy. I knew his faults when I met him and his good qualities (kindness, generosity, passion for learning) far outweigh them.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 21/03/2015 11:34

Ok I read your other thread. First, I'm wondering what planet you all live on. But second, I see you met your DP when he was a lecturer and you were an undergrad. It also sounds like he is your first serious relationship. This is no doubt why you see his idiocy as endearing.

All I can say is good luck because I think you'll need it. I have a feeling when you have your child and see how much work is involved, but also how really common sense it all is, your mindset will change a bit.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 21/03/2015 11:38

  • EveDallas Sat 21-Mar-15 09:50:01 Grin hilarious.

I dont blame them for getting confused. I asked Dh to pop a dress on DD once, and said that one, OR, that one. He said he wasn't sure what I meant so he put BOTH dresses on her. We were under pressure late to family event so had to intrude her with two dresses stuffed on.
Dh frequently puts tops on the wrong way round, puts tights for 7 year old, onto three year old etc.

But he is an amazing Father. This man is slaving away to provide for his family, with an ocd ex wife. Maybe if she had left him to it more he would have more of a clue

debbriana · 21/03/2015 11:38

I just raised am eyebrow then went backing to reading comments. You should not be dealing with her shenanigans.

basgetti · 21/03/2015 11:40

Well he may struggle with everyday things but he is certainly clever enough to have had two women running around facilitating his contact for him and blaming each other for issues with laundry etc and neither putting the responsibility where it belongs.

SandorClegane · 21/03/2015 11:44

There's nothing endearing about a man who thinks the daily repetitive drudgery of looking after his own children and attending to their needs is beneath him. I expect you'll find that out once the baby arrives.