To think stepkids' mum is losing the plot?

[AzureDress]

I have 2 lovely stepkids (age 8 and 10) who I've known since they were tiny. Their mum left DP for another man when youngest was a baby.

DP and I moved in together 6months ago and we have the kids every other weekend. We're getting married this June.

Stepkids' mum re-married years ago and lives 20 mins drive away. She has social anxiety and avoids me whenever possible, communicating mainly via DP. Since I've been living with DP she's become increasingly fussy about everything I do with the kids... from what I feed them to how I dress them, even telling DP I must not tell them ghost stories (when they ask me to) because she is religious! She is also very odd about their clothes... despite recieving £800 per month child-maintenance from DP she always asks for more, saying things like she can't afford new school shoes! DP thinks this is reasonable and says kids are 'expensive'. He also pays half of all school trips (usually 2 each per year including ski trips) and goes half with her on their birthday presents in addition to getting presents from us. She's a sahp by choice and her new husband's a waiter so doesn't earn much.

She refuses to provide clothes for kids to wear on weekends they spend with us. She insists I make them change out of 'her' clothes as soon as they arrive and must put on 'her' clothes again before they leave. I have to return 'her' underwear in a bag which is not always easy as kids tend to take socks off around house or leave pants down side of bed. Today when she dropped them off she crossly told me she was missing one of DD's socks and a pair of knickers from 2 weeks ago!! As if this is very very important.
She is also scathing about the clothes I buy for her kids. She buys expensive brands, I buy Next and for playing in garden I get Primark as it tends to get ruined by grass-stains, mud etc. She saw a photo of DD wearing a pink tracksuit (DD's choice) and told DP it looks tacky and I'm not to dress her in pink!

What's going on? AIBU or is she?

Yet another thread, where a man turns out to be a crap father, then gets his next partner pregnant. The next partner then defends the incompetent father by basically blaming the ex...

Yes the "endearingly absent-minded" schtick will wear very thin when it's your own baby involved I suspect.

8 and 10 years old equals primary school around here. Do primary schools really go on ski trips these days? It's a while ago now but the most our DC ever got was a couple of nights away at some educational venue, and then generally only in Years 5 and 6.

I thought you were meant to treat your dsc like your own. What is wrong with people on mn. This woman has been excellent to the children but she is still getting the blame. What kind of sideline do you want from her? If this is how other women treat the children's step parents then they are very bitter twisted people.

This thread is ridiculous. Step parents, especially women for some reason, can't do anything right. I have a great relationship with my DSC and horror of horrors, I actually feed them and have been known to buy them clothes. DH doesn't get home til 8.30 every night if he's lucky. Do those of you suggest that I feed our children at their normal time and leave my DSC and let their dad rustle something up when he comes home? Fortunately DH's ex wife is a nice woman who acts like an adult.

The OP isn't the issue, neither is the ex. It's the "endearing" useless Father who needs a rocket up his arse.

barely managing to look after himself. ...I do think of him as quite vulnerable. He seems to really struggle with everyday things other people find easy. I knew his faults when I met him and his good qualities (kindness, generosity, passion for learning) far outweigh them.

Hmm kind, intelligent but practically useless.

OP hasn't said she is doing care because he is working, she is doing it because he is useless.

I think you're going to find out a lot about this man once your own DC is born. What may seem cute and quirky behaviour now will quickly become irritating and annoying when you're sleep deprived and concerned for the welfare of your precious new baby.

What you don't know OP, because you were not there is the chronology of the ex's behaviour developing to the point where she felt it necessary to micro-manage her children's weekends with their father to the extent that she had to provide their clothes & meals. I can imagine that it wouldn't take many of the oh-so-funny type of shoeless escapades you describe to precipitate this level of concern for your children's safety.

She's had tears of this crap parenting from the DCs father - you've only been in situ 6 months. It's going to take a lot longer than that to build up her trust in you do that she feels she no longer needs to do this.

Best of British luck - you're going to need it.

I don't think OP is entirely getting the blame. Surely most of us would want any stepmother to our DCs to love them and care for them, and it sounds like OP really makes an effort with them. That doesn't excuse their father from providing basic care though.

Aliiiii are you really the mum?

OT - a duplex is much the same as a maisonette, really, unless in big American cities where they can be multi-storey apartments.

Although I know Australians who consider most British semis to be duplexes.

A lecturer/student relationship? This has reached a new level of icky ness.

Isn't that kind of thing against Uni rules?

There are indicators of aspie traits but that doesn't override his overall poor parenting.

OP- good luck at teaching an old dog new tricks- sounds like you need all the luck you can get!

God I can't get past the 2nd page because I can't stand the people who think it's ok for the ex to interfere in her children's lives when they are with their dad and his lovely sounding partner of 7 years.
Why do stepmums get crucified for being caring? FFS.
I send my DS off to his dads and his wife every other weekend and enjoy my time off, not worrying what they are up to. This is normal. Not stressing over every little thing.
And £800 is probably quite a large percentage of his salary so let his lazy fucking ex get a job.

The comments on here make me angry

EveDallas has raised some good points on this thread.

Some posters are just determined to bash the OP because she is a step mum.

Charley he's been a lecturer for at least 7 years so is likely to be on a decent salary.

And some are determined to defend the situation based on a stepmum being involved when they probably wouldn't usually dream of excusing such a useless and inadequate father.

As a lecturer with at least 7 years experience, he's probably earning somewhere in the region of 45-50k minimum.

Going from this role to suddenly caring for an 8 and 10 year old overnight is a big jump for a man with no experience of childcare.

And yet you seem to be doing it brilliantly!

The thing that confuses me is why is he working while they are visiting him? They only see him 4 days a month. He only sees them 4 days a month. Is this official working (ie he's a doctor and is on shift some Saturdays) or unofficial (just busy) working. if the first then he needs to talk to his boss about his child care responsibilities and see if he can move his work so he's always working the other weekends. If it is the latter then he needs to organise his time better so that he doesn't have to work when his children are with him.

I don't know if his ex is controlling because he is rubbish or he is rubbish because his ex is controlling but the two of them split up nearly a decade ago. It's time (well past time!) for him to step up. He has a very short amount of time before the eldest becomes a stroppy teenager and decides that dad who doesn't care enough to pay attention properly is not worth missing out on her weekends at home with her friends.

His ex is married with a husband right? They also have to provide for the kids. I just don't see how the OP can be crucified and told the kids aren't her business when she has been in their lives for 7 years! Would people prefer that she said they were inconvenience?

You and this Man had an affair when they were married, share sexual partners, smoke and call his ex crazy.

You will be the crazy ex with a deadbeat dad for your baby soon enough.

Let's hope your mutual ex and her DH don't have an std she passes on this weekend visit.

What's a masionette? Our flat is in a building of 6 (all have 2 levels) with gated entrance, so gardens are secure although shared between all 6 flats. It's UK not America.

Jackie yes I have wondered about aspergers traits, although he can be very perceptive of people's feelings/emotions so doesn't really fit. I do feel his ex takes advantage of his naivity to demand more money, guilt-tripping him that kids will have to go without if he doesn't pay.

Yes both kids are at primary school. They go on an annual ski trip in juniors and usually another trip abroad, this year DS went to France and DD went on outdoor pursuits trip. The trips are optional and most kids only do one per year (some don't do any) but DP's ex convinced him they should do both!

I don't think he's an inadequate parent I think he just hasn't had opportunity to learn and practice. He hasn't lived with them since they were toddler and baby and it's very recent she lets them stay overnight. He's excited about our baby and getting a second chance to be hands-on.

JoanHickson, I'm not sure where you got that information but we didn't have an affair while he was married. Nor do we share sexual partners!

You really must think of child maintenance as you think of government tax going from his income, and what is done with it as you think of child benefit. It does nobody any good being obsessed as you are with his ex and her life.

You blame the ex and mutual ex lover of your guy in both threads.