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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think stepkids' mum is losing the plot?

212 replies

AzureDress · 21/03/2015 08:25

I have 2 lovely stepkids (age 8 and 10) who I've known since they were tiny. Their mum left DP for another man when youngest was a baby.

DP and I moved in together 6months ago and we have the kids every other weekend. We're getting married this June.

Stepkids' mum re-married years ago and lives 20 mins drive away. She has social anxiety and avoids me whenever possible, communicating mainly via DP. Since I've been living with DP she's become increasingly fussy about everything I do with the kids... from what I feed them to how I dress them, even telling DP I must not tell them ghost stories (when they ask me to) because she is religious! She is also very odd about their clothes... despite recieving £800 per month child-maintenance from DP she always asks for more, saying things like she can't afford new school shoes! DP thinks this is reasonable and says kids are 'expensive'. He also pays half of all school trips (usually 2 each per year including ski trips) and goes half with her on their birthday presents in addition to getting presents from us. She's a sahp by choice and her new husband's a waiter so doesn't earn much.

She refuses to provide clothes for kids to wear on weekends they spend with us. She insists I make them change out of 'her' clothes as soon as they arrive and must put on 'her' clothes again before they leave. I have to return 'her' underwear in a bag which is not always easy as kids tend to take socks off around house or leave pants down side of bed. Today when she dropped them off she crossly told me she was missing one of DD's socks and a pair of knickers from 2 weeks ago!! As if this is very very important.
She is also scathing about the clothes I buy for her kids. She buys expensive brands, I buy Next and for playing in garden I get Primark as it tends to get ruined by grass-stains, mud etc. She saw a photo of DD wearing a pink tracksuit (DD's choice) and told DP it looks tacky and I'm not to dress her in pink!
Confused

What's going on? AIBU or is she?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 21/03/2015 13:31

Agreed Phephenson. Similar situation but not the same mum.

Chippednailvarnish · 21/03/2015 13:32

Aliiiii Sat 21-Mar-15 10:37:27

Not sure if she is the mum or not TBH.

N0RMABATES · 21/03/2015 13:39

My dh's ex once told him he had to supply his own clothes for the kids to wear when they stayed as she was no longer packing a bag for eow. She told him that the people from the csa had said that's what we had to do. Unfortunately my dh didn't check with the csa and spent a small fortune on enough clothes, shoes & coats for 3 children. I went nuclear as it was my money too and rang the csa who said no we are not required to provide clothes only the maintenance but we can give clothes as a bonus if we wanted to. I asked the csa to email a copy of the conversation which I then emailed to my dh's ex. I then took all the clothes back for a refund. Cheeky bloody cow but equally stupid dh for not checking as she has form for doing stuff like this.

Clearoutre · 21/03/2015 13:41

AzureDress, I think you'll either have to go along with the current state of play or intervene and be prepared for battle. I suspect you'll drive yourself mad with frustration with the latter option as you're unlikely to have the backing of your partner who sounds very laid back and I suspect non-confrontational. You obviously have an excellent relationship with your stepkids so may be focus on that and their relationship with your new baby (which will easily take precedence once he/she arrives). You've got a long future with them ahead and as they get older and more independent issues like clothes and ghost stories will fall away. Good luck!

GreatAuntDinah · 21/03/2015 13:42

FWIW OP I'm a lecturerr. I manage to do research and ensure my child is clean, fed and shod.

SwirlyThingAlert · 21/03/2015 13:44

I am the mum and I often ask for certain items to come back here, for a reason
My ex lives around 2 hours away n DS sees him eow
Certain items of clothing, football kids ect my DS wears regularly and I don't think I'm being OTT. It's not like he's round the corner for items to be dropped back
Apparently, my ex's wife told my son this was 'ridiculous'!
Quite frankly I couldn't give a fuck what she thinks!
I also always send back 'their' clothes out of courtesy

I read it as this was the mum, not just A mum

Chippednailvarnish · 21/03/2015 13:48

FWIW OP I'm a lecturerr. I manage to do research and ensure my child is clean, fed and shod

Maybe you should start only seeing your DC EOW and then basically leave someone else to do the parenting under the guise of being endearingly absent minded?!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/03/2015 13:48

Swirly But the mum only mentions one child. (DS.) So I assumed it was another mum in a similar situation.

Also if I was the mum there would be other things I'd be explaining / defending before I started talking about the clothes.

JanineStHubbins · 21/03/2015 13:48

No, it must be just 'a mum' - there are 2 children in the OP's scenario, and she's not married to the ExH.

Phephenson · 21/03/2015 13:51

swirly she says her ex's wife - the op isn't married to the dopey lecturer yet so I don't think its the mum. I wish it was, can you imagine the fireworks??

I wonder if that's ever happened on here - someone rumbled through tmi or username?

Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 13:53

They are so identifyable too!

basgetti · 21/03/2015 13:55

NORMA you went nuclear because your DH bought his children some clothes? No the CSA can't order him to, but nor can they order his ex to provide a bag every weekend either.

clam · 21/03/2015 13:55

Fuck, I sometimes wonder how we kids of the 60s/70s ever made it to adulthood, what with all the neglect.

Fil once took dh/sil/a carload of friends to the local fairground (no car-seats! Shock Think they all bounced around in the backseat and the boot) and, when they arrived, discovered dh had forgotten his shoes. It was par for the course in those days. Dh (as the child) got the blame of course, not fil (the adult supposedly in charge), and I'm sad to report that he (dh) hasn't much improved in terms of personal organisation since. Like the OP, I've decided to find it amusing, as his other qualities outweigh the infuriating ones.

KaffeOgGulerodsKage · 21/03/2015 13:57

I avoid my x's new partner. Not because I have social anxiety!

I really want to avoid the tedium of having an opinion of her and VV

JoanHicksonMIfive · 21/03/2015 14:01

Csa is a legal minimum. Wow a Step Mum went nuclear over a Man spending a few pounds more than the legal minimum on clothes for his own children when in his care. Poor kids.

Comingoutofhibernation · 21/03/2015 14:02

OP your DP's ex does sound difficult. I feel for you there. Please please please though, stop making excuses for your DP not stepping up and parenting his children. You keep saying he didn't have the opportunity to get involved so it is difficult for him now, yet you seem to manage to do it fine, so how is that different? In the same way that anyone bringing home their new baby doesn't know what they are doing, but manage to figure it out. Your DP could do it, he just chooses not to as first his ex, and now you , are there to do it for him.

needaholidaynow · 21/03/2015 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

basgetti · 21/03/2015 14:06

And getting a third party to email 'evidence' in order to not have to provide anything beyond the legally prescribed bare minimum. Weren't you embarrassed? I'd have felt ashamed of myself.

JoanHicksonMIfive · 21/03/2015 14:08

Does nuclear step mum ensure the ex has to provide packed lunch and frozen meals like ops ex too?

AGirlCalledBoB · 21/03/2015 14:16

I don't think people automatically slate stepmothers.

The thing with op is she is on here slating this mother to the ground when her own partner is useless. Op is having to teach him how to look after a child and she may understand why the mother is the way she is when she has had her own child with this man.

Now I don't care if another woman helped look after my son but don't slag me off when my ex can't take our child out without leaving their shoes. What right does op have to put this woman down when her own partner can't look after his kids for 4 days out of a month. If you are a dad relying on your partner to look after your kids for 4 days a month, then there is a problem there.

JoanHicksonMIfive · 21/03/2015 14:35

Op thinks this guy will be jumped on by his and ops ex lover and unable to refuse putting his cock in the ladies vagina too.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 21/03/2015 14:40

He said he felt excluded and was expected to just earn money while she got to enjoy the kids am I the only one that thinks this is the saddest bit of all? Does OP really buy that one? does she really believe that exwife sat around luxuriating in a joyful utopia of motherhood? or that DH (who by her own admission is crap and neglectful) is going to enthusiastically learn it second time around? Or spontaneously turn into mr attendant father?

Poor OP has no idea of where her problems lie.

Miggsie · 21/03/2015 14:54

How can your partner have "no experience of childcare"????????

Wasn't he a father for 2 years before his wife left him?

I assume you mean "a man who doesn't want to look after children and assumes there will be a woman somewhere who does the stuff he can't be bothered to even think about"?

Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 15:36

'Wasn't he a father for 2 years before his wife left him?'

Yes, but being a father doesn't mean a man has much hands-on childcare experience. He was working full-time and she was a sahp. From what he says, she made all decisions to do with the children and did all the caring, since this was how she wanted it. From what my stepkids tell me this is how it is with her new DH too. He's not really involved with the kids, she does all housework, meals, school-runs etc. I'm not critisizing her lifestyle choice but it sounds to me like she made choice to be in charge of children and actively prevented DH from getting too involved.

She also kept the DC very dependent on her. They only learnt to tie their own shoelaces last year because she always did it for them. When I bought them trainers they said their mum always tied laces so I taught them how to do it. DP warned me she wouldn't like this as she liked to do it herself, but I felt I owed it to my stepkids to teach them! They wear Velcro shoes for school but I still think a child who is nearly 10 should know how to tie laces!

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 21/03/2015 15:41

From what he says, she made all decisions to do with the children and did all the caring, since this was how she wanted it.

There's no way to dress this up. He's either so pathetic that he let this happen (and that's pretty poor adulting) or he thinks you're a gullible chump.