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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my future MIL to butt out of wedding planning?

251 replies

thelaststripe · 15/03/2015 14:01

Now I see her dilemma, she has 3 sons who are traditionally not as keen on wedding planning, but she will not leave it alone. I'm letting her make the wedding cake but she's bombarding me daily with hymn suggestion, questions about the exact colour of my veil etc. Is there a nice way to remind her that she's had her own wedding, this one is mine and my OHs?

OP posts:
TheOriginalWinkly · 15/03/2015 14:02

Can you not just be nice and try to include her? She's excited. Someday you might have sons getting married.

DelphiniumBlue · 15/03/2015 14:03

Sounds like she's excited and wants to be involved. Is there a reason why you don't want to mull over colour schemes, hymns etc with her?

Kundry · 15/03/2015 14:05

Is she a nice lady who is over excited or properly nuts?

If the former, a lot of 'nod and smile' and then do your own thing anyway.

If the latter - good luck!

PintofCiderPlease · 15/03/2015 14:07

Does she want to be included or does she want to persuade you/guilt you into doing it the way she wants you to do it?

Because THAT would make the difference I think.

If she just wants to be involved, have a few coffees with her, show her some of the things you are considering, point out what you like.

If she just wants to take over, then keep her at arms length.

Minionionionion · 15/03/2015 14:13

My mil was a little similar, we gave her a secret project :) she loved the fact that no one else knew, she got to do a craft she enjoys and we had the perfect centre pieces.

Is there anything that you could ask her to make extra special and allow her some of the fun?

MyHaloIsChokingMe · 15/03/2015 14:14

You're going to be one of those people who come on in years to come and say "it's my baby she's had her turn at being a mum". FFS she's excited as one of her sons is getting married. I had to laugh that you're "letting her" make your cake. I'm sure your MIL will remember that she's already married. I feel sorry for her as she hasn't done anything other than be interested in one of the biggest days of her sons life and your on a forum whining about her. Poor woman.

kewtogetin · 15/03/2015 14:15

Urghhh, yabu. You'll be a MIL one day. That is all.....

AddToBasket · 15/03/2015 14:17

First off: Who is paying for the wedding? How much cash is she going to be handing over?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/03/2015 14:18

Is there a nice way to remind her that she's had her own wedding, this one is mine and my OHs?

No , there isn't.

Say nothing unless she's a loon and starts planning to wear white and try to upstage you.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/03/2015 14:20

I have 3 ds's, one day in the future one of them might get married.

I imagine I'll be enthusiastic and keen to know what's going on, I might even make suggestions and ask questions.

charlie0123 · 15/03/2015 14:22

Yabvu.

kewtogetin · 15/03/2015 14:23

Well then stillstayingclassysandiego, you can expect to be the subject of a nasty, vitriolic thread about your massively unreasonable behaviour too!

FatherHenderson · 15/03/2015 14:24

Give her a task to be totally in charge of. And get her to write down a list of hymns that she likes / suggestions etc. You don't have to use it.

But don't cut your nose off to spite your face. My mum was driving me potty with her less successful suggestions about venues, but it was her that found us the perfect venue on the perfect date.

So take on board her suggestions, but ignore them if you want.

Be the bigger person.

iniac · 15/03/2015 14:26

That's lovely of her to make the cake. Why do you view that as your 'letting her' do it? It's her son's wedding too.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 15/03/2015 14:28

There isn't.

Mils to sons do have to take a back seat in situations like this.

Just smile and nod

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/03/2015 14:28

kewtogetin, too true!

OP, what dilemma does she have?

Original poster
thelaststripe · 15/03/2015 14:29

She's not paying for anything, my family is paying for all of it. She's usually pretty Nic but she flipped when we told her we weren't having a Catholic wedding. She's very religious. I want to get married at the same church where I was christened and where my mum got christened etc.
Most of the wedding planning Im doing with my mum. The bits my OH is un charge if, he doesn't seem to discuss with her, so she just rings me and asks me everything.

OP posts:
iniac · 15/03/2015 14:30

So the wedding is all based around what you and your Mum want and MIL is expected to butt out?

kewtogetin · 15/03/2015 14:32

It's nice to be nice. You're acting like this is 'your' wedding, like it 'belongs' to you and your family. She's excited and wants to be involved so let her, I can't see anywhere where she's acted unreasonably.

kewtogetin · 15/03/2015 14:32

'The bits my OH is in charge of' Confused

Silvercatowner · 15/03/2015 14:34

As the mother of two sons I find this type of thread extremely depressing.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/03/2015 14:34

What's he in charge of, I'm curious.

hippoinamudhole · 15/03/2015 14:36

So it's OK for your mum to be involved but not your partners mum?

It's his wedding too (hopefully)

Involve her, tell her your plans and let her get as excited as your mum is

usualsuspect333 · 15/03/2015 14:37

Her son is getting married. Of course she wants to be included in the planning.

YABU

MadameJulienBaptiste · 15/03/2015 14:37

So she is completely excluded from any of the plans back use you are planning it all with you own mother....
nice.
It's her sons wedding too. Even if she's not paying for it, are you really so mean as to onject to her knowing details about her own sons wedding?
you're doing all the planning so of course she will ring to ask you about it, and if that annoys you then give her the information so she doesn't have to ring.
god help her when your first child is born. She'll be banned from visiting till the child is twelve.