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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my future MIL to butt out of wedding planning?

251 replies

thelaststripe · 15/03/2015 14:01

Now I see her dilemma, she has 3 sons who are traditionally not as keen on wedding planning, but she will not leave it alone. I'm letting her make the wedding cake but she's bombarding me daily with hymn suggestion, questions about the exact colour of my veil etc. Is there a nice way to remind her that she's had her own wedding, this one is mine and my OHs?

OP posts:
hippoinamudhole · 15/03/2015 14:38

Silvercatowner

I know what you mean, my sons girlfriend has this potential

Original poster
thelaststripe · 15/03/2015 14:39

No, its a wedding based around what my OH and I want. I asked him very early in if he wanted a Catholic wedding as he was brought up that way, and he said no, so I asked him if he would let me be married in my hometown church. He agreed on it and it makes sense as we have guests coming from all.over the country, and its very central.
I asked future MIL how involved she wanted to be at the beginning and she said "nit very" due to the fact she lives 4 hours away from us. She said she'd be happy to make the cake to I told her the colour themes and said that would be nice. But now she rings or texts me almost everyday with questions, even though the vast majority of my wedding is planned and booked. I said I'd go with her to buy her outfit, as I know what my mum is wearing and neither of them want to clash, but she said no. I'm not really sure how else she could be included where so much has already been organised

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 15/03/2015 14:40

OP's family is paying for it, of course they're going to be heavily involved in the planning if they're handing over the cash for it!

Mil is doing cake her DS is not involving her so she's asking OP.

Thelast, can you tell her what her DS is sorting out and suggest she help him? Ignore any suggestions she makes for your side eg your dress etc tell her you've got it in hand (if you do).

TheFairyCaravan · 15/03/2015 14:44

I can see the thread in a couple of years time.

"my MIL should butt out, she has had her turn to be a mother it's my turn now. My mum and I are doing everything and sorting everything for this baby. I've let MIL buy it a pair of socks!"

YABVU. It's your OH's wedding too, it's his mum and it's nice she wants to be involved. You might be a mum of sons one day. When my MIL asked about our wedding I answered her politely, I don't understand the need to be bitchy and angsty about it all.

CrystalCove · 15/03/2015 14:44

She only wants to feel involved! Why should it just be you and your Mum, regardless of how interested/uninterested your OH is it's still her son getting married.

Original poster
thelaststripe · 15/03/2015 14:47

Yeah, I've already got my dress, which I bought with my mum and she was cross I didn't bring my mum and myself 4 hours across the country to look for dresses with her. She wouldn't come to us, she doesn't drive. The trouble is I do have everything in hand! It happened in a massive snowball of favours and friends knowing the right people. Ive ended up with a free venue, a free bar and stick, a free band, a free DJ, a free make up artist, free horse and carriage (pre wedding wedding present) and a good deal on the catering and dance floor. It seems stupid to refuse anything that's free just because it's not overly traditional.

My OH is also getting trouble for not inviting PILs friends to the wedding (he's never met them) but inviting his half brother and family (who we have stayed with multiple times) is now an issue for MIL (not her son)

OP posts:
DeeWe · 15/03/2015 14:49

Asking what colour the veil is is being interested. Bombading daily with hymn suggestions is not.

It's lovely when someone wants to talk the details about your wedding. It's not lovely if they want to get the details so they can say they think they've a better suggestion or if they get bogged down about whether the veil is creamy-white or whitey-cream.

I suspect the flipping when saying that she wasn't having a Catholic wedding-and after all it's traditional to have it at the Bride's home church, has probably made the OP extra nervous about giving details in case she objects.

Things can go farly tight between helpful and over interfering.

My mil was pretty helpful, and interested. However we did have a point where we sent her the seating plan. Very carefully arranged so everyone had people they knew round them, and all sorted.
She showed it to BIL's gf, who had a strop because she wanted bil not to be on the top table and sit with her. (actually I wondered whether she thought she wanted to sit at the top table with him) And yes, she was sitting with lots of people she knew well. That was not appropriate.
However if she'd said "actually cousin Billy and Uncle John had a row last year and they haven't spoken since, so they might be better sitting apart" that would have been helpful.

PossumPoo · 15/03/2015 14:50

OP YANBU. Everyday being contacted would piss me off no end. Just reply to every second text, then every third.

I really dont see why anyone gets to have any input into anyone's wedding. Regardless of how 'excited' they are about it Confused

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/03/2015 14:51

So your parents aren't paying for everything if you've got all of these freebies?

MythicalKings · 15/03/2015 14:51

Who will she know at the wedding?

It would be nice if she had someone to talk to.

Original poster
thelaststripe · 15/03/2015 14:53

They're paying for the church, my dress, the rings, the caterers (even though we have a slight discount) and the flowers.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 15/03/2015 14:54

Nice of you to let her make the cake and save you some money .

stripedtortoise · 15/03/2015 14:56

Yeh how DARE she want to be involved in her son's wedding.

Original poster
thelaststripe · 15/03/2015 14:56

I think my problem might be is that I'm not that interested in all the details myself. As long as I end up married to my OH and everyone has a good tine, I'll be happy. I couldn't give a flying monkeys if the flowers and the centrepieces aren't the exact same shade of purple. Whereas my MIL seems to think a wedding is about impressing people.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 15/03/2015 14:59

Why are your parents buying the rings? Confused

Usually the groom does that - doesn't he?

Salmotrutta · 15/03/2015 15:00

God, I hope my DS doesn't end up with someone who wants me at arms length..

Original poster
thelaststripe · 15/03/2015 15:01

Salmotrtta - because they offered to. I have no idea about the etiquette of it all, I know enough to have bought my bridesmaids their outfits!

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/03/2015 15:01

What is your OH in charge of, you haven't said.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 15/03/2015 15:03

hang on, so future MIL does not want her own stepson, the groom's half brother, at the wedding and is giving grief about her mates not being invited? alarm bells!

time for you and OH to put your foot down together, or you are setting yourselves up for a lifetime of her overstepping the mark and trying to dictate how you live your lives, decorate your home, spend your holiday time, raise your kids

BifsWif · 15/03/2015 15:07

You know that man you're marrying? Your future husband? That's his mum.

YABVU, it would cost you nothing to let her be included. I hope you remember this if you only ever have sons.

Original poster
thelaststripe · 15/03/2015 15:08

OH has sorted the order of service, the suits, a photographer, the decorations (he's got a better eye for this stuff) the wedding transport for guests, someone to sing in church whilst we're signing our lives over to each other and the accommodation for our guests from further away

OP posts:
BifsWif · 15/03/2015 15:08

And please stop drip feeding.

Original poster
thelaststripe · 15/03/2015 15:11

She is mortified we've invited her stepson as he was born put of wedlock when FiL was 19. She doesn't really like any of the family having too much contact with him, but he's really nice, making a massive effort to come over from France with his wife, 2 yo daughter and a 6mo son.
PIL did not attend his wedding as it was overseas and too far to go

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 15/03/2015 15:13

Bifs, there's "being included" and "trying to take over" though, and it's hard to tell on here which is which. It can soon add up!

Fine to suggest a hymn if the DIL confesses to not knowing mnay, NOT fine to say "but you must have this hymn it is our family tradition"
Fine to say - are you inviting Autie J,becasue if so you need to invite cousin P who will driver her. NOT fine to say "please invite all my WI mates so we can all get dolled up and have a nice day" . Fine to ask for a suggestion of what to buy for a new baby, not fine to insist on being the one to buy the cot the pram and the moses basket, and choose the ones YOU like without a thought for the parents taste, space, or decoration etc.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/03/2015 15:14

Groom's half brother is not necessarily mil's step son, could be groom's dad's son with another (new) woman.

OP get her to talk to DH. See if there's anything else you can get her to do, especially stuff that's not important to you. The perfect wedding favours?