AIBU to expect my future MIL to butt out of wedding planning?

[thelaststripe]

Now I see her dilemma, she has 3 sons who are traditionally not as keen on wedding planning, but she will not leave it alone. I'm letting her make the wedding cake but she's bombarding me daily with hymn suggestion, questions about the exact colour of my veil etc. Is there a nice way to remind her that she's had her own wedding, this one is mine and my OHs?

I just can't believe that you're allowing your parents to buy your wedding rings

Nothing to do with etiquette, just the fact that surely, their bought as part of the promises you're going to make to each other?

Carabos if you read the posts by OP rather than about her, she has tried to involve MIL - but not on MIL's terms (for example, dress shopping invite was for the bride's own locality, as it needs to be in fact with fittings to consider, but MIL refused and was angry they wouldn't travel 4 hours to hers to look, instead...)

If you just express massive joy for them, say you would love to help in any way they might like or feel appropriate and will never have to ask twice, but you will leave it to them to tell you what form that involvement should take, you can't go far wrong. And for the record, a MIL who is a trained florist sounds my dream, when I planned my own wedding! Flowers are hideously expensive and I couldn't justify many, when I love them. She may bite your arm off if you say you'd be happy to do them, though with the best will in the world you will also need to stress that you will replicate any designs she selects, rather than pick out your own. (My MIL and I locked horns because I wouldn't put anaglypta or woodchip wallpaper up, because she thought the original lime render in our listed cottage was uneven and unattractive, and I was crazy to just want to paint it in a natural paint. She felt that, as the keen DIY buff, her opinion was that of the expert and expected it to be the final one. It was all a bit awkward, and I wished I'd not been all gratefully accepting when she offered her help at the start.)

Loads of projection, not to mention sexism, here If it's the OP's DP's wedding too then it's his responsibility to communicate with his mother. You need to speak to him about that OP.

You seem to have attracted the mil can do no wrong posters OP. Of course you should travel an 8 hour round trip and get married in a catholic church just to please your mil OP. It is her wedding after all, oh wait....

I don't think the OP is remotely bridezilla either. In fact just the opposite, most of the arrangements have been done and she doesn't want to discuss them all day every day.

Carabos maybe say something along the lines of "If there is anyway I can help please let me know."

DH bought my wedding ring. I wouldn't have felt properly married if my parents had paid for it. That would be weird.

My parents paid for most of our wedding as was traditional in the Dark Ages when we married. DH's parents bought champagne for the reception and the buttonholes for the best man and ushers.

The hotel limited the number of guests to 200 and each family made a list of prospective guests in declining order of importance. In the end there were more from my side (large Welsh family) than DH's much smaller family. They were able to invite everyone on their list. We had to cut down a bit on work friends.

I went shopping with MiL to help her choose an outfit because she had no daughters. We ended up slightly tipsy after a pre shopping lunch but got a lovely outfit anyway.

carabos it is impossible to predict. I have three sons and have been included, not included according to the DIL involved. I assume I am doing nothing wrong as I got on well with two previous fiancees, which didn't result in weddings, and one who did marry. The other one was much more difficult, but to be fair to DIL I think it is her mother who set the agenda. On a day to day basis I probably get on with her daughter best of them all and she often falls out with her mother but has never fallen out with me. I think the problem in this case is she tries to keep the peace with her mother and if that means I can't be involved then so be it. I have three sons and a daughter so I think it is less pressing than if you only have a son.

*Yesterday 14:40 fuzzywuzzy

OP's family is paying for it, of course they're going to be heavily involved in the planning if they're handing over the cash for it!*

Totally disagree with this statement .
So basically the ones paying call the tune ???? regardless of the couples wishes .
We gave the money ( deposited in their joint account) to be spent as they wished. They did tell ( not ask ) us what they were doing , but it was not a condition of the gift.
It was a lovely wedding , personal to them and that's the way it should be.

Too often the bride and groom are actors in the parents production of "The Wedding"

There is quite a lot of critisms of the replies on here. However it is easy to see that a lot of the replies come from people who are not MILs.
Being a MIL is NOT the same as having a MIL.
MumsNetters would accept that explaining to someone what it feels like to have a child, is almost impossible. But when it comes to being a MIL anyone even though they know diddly squat about how it feels, can post an opinion.

No one knows, until it happens to them what it is like to have son who acquires a partner, and how it will alter/ or not alter their relationship.
I am an intelligent, well educated woman and I had no idea, until it happened to me, what it was going to be like.

You really are at the mercy of who tuns up. If your DIl comes from a reasonable sane background and hasn't got too many issues, things will be different, but fine. The same goes for the MIL.

However there is too much evidence of the difficulties between the two women DIL/ MIL to ignore. It is not an easy relationship to get right and both sides need to look at their own behaviour and make sure that they are not driven by jealousy, the need to score points, the need to have control, the need to be first in the OH life etc.

There are faults on both sides.

Obviously it would be nice if we could all be open and honest with one another. The DIL/MIL relationship is a unique relationship and it is well worth trying to get it right with as much understanding and kindness and forgiveness as humanely possible.

If the post in this case could only fast forward 30 years or so and see herself in the same position as her MIL is now in. She may well have only sons. How would she like to be treated by a prospective DIL? Then that is her answer.

I'm sort of LOL'ing here...

My DB has been married twice, first time round the bride hated us all so we all weren't invited to the wedding.

Second time round his IL's live in SW England (we're all, DM etc in London area, different parts) but the wedding was in SW England. My mum had little or no input into the wedding apart from guests and DB and SIL invited friends of hers (family friends too). My mum didn't really want too much involvement as it was SIL's day and her family were quite heavily involved. SIL and her DM chose the dress themselves in London, SIL chose the first she saw...

I was a BM.

I think if my mum had really wanted to be more involved she could've been (she did a reading at the ceremony) but due to distance there wasn't much she could get involved with apart from offering to pay for bits here and there.

I can sort of see that OP has been a bit U in not letting her future MIL (who wants to be more involved) be involved but i don't think there should be WW3 about it either.

MN isn't the real world. In the real world everyone knows that it's fairly standard stuff for the bride to do most of the wedding planning and for her mum to help out, with groom's family less involved. Only on MN would people start shouting MIL-ABUSE over it. Sigh. And I say this from a position where (shock horro) DH and I planned and paid for our wedding by ourselves, except for the fact I went dress shopping with my mum and sisters. The only further discussions with anyone else was coordinating of outfit colours and the chaps going morning dress trying on together - although in fact my DDad didn't because he already had his own.

I also say it from the position of having 2 DSs. If and when they get married, I will be glad of an invite and offer any support if they seek it out. Me and DH made sure we paid for our wedding ourselves so we could keep control of the whole thing, and I would encourage them to do the same. I absolutely wouldn't expect to have input into another woman's wedding day - how fucking presumptuous would that be?!

Same as if/when they have children - I would love to see those children and get to know them, but I would expect the other granny to have a more immediate role because a mum naturally wants her own mum their as support for herself, it's not about being important with regards the baby.

OP you sound as though you're being reasonable, but sadly you can't do much about her. Be kind but firm?

Feel blessed.

My mil was ace and my stbdil is a little peach who we adore. Her own mother is a loon though.

It's in the lap of the gods but we try to treat our 4s fiancées/girlfriends/boyfriends as part of the family and hope our kids choose nice people. So far so good.

Good luck op. Weddings can make the sanest people as nutty as squirrel poo.

Elspeth exactly! I agree with you. The only reason why my DM could have been involved was maybe due to me being BM (but I sorted that out myself).

I think we did (DM included) help decorate the hall/dining room as it was Midsummer Night's theme (Shakespeare?!) but that was because SIL asked us to help and we were all stuck doing nothing otherwise.

Oh I remembered - my mum used to be a fashion designer and had a gorgeous satin smocked wedding dress which was ordered but never worn - she also wore a Victorian lace wedding dress at her first wedding.

The Victorian dress didn't fit my slim as a rake SIL anyway... but for some reason the smocked dress didn't suit her or appeal to her, but my mum didn't push it, it was just a suggestion and my mum was always dropping heavy hints about me wearing one or other dress when I got married some chance!

Skin, I do agree with you, I was looking at it from the point of view were some posts insisted as the IL's paid for the wedding MIL should be very involved.

Depending on the people giving the money, if the wedding is funded by someone else, they do tend to expect more/a say in the decision making process.
It's why when we got married, we did it our way using our own resources, I could not be asked trying to please everybody (my own DM included) and I would be expected to had I let me parents finance it (so I didn't)

Midsummer Night's Dream theme?! Super your SIL is a woman after my own heart...

Elspeth yes, that's right Midsummer Night's Dream theme - all the tables had Tatiana, Bottom etc... on them, it's not really me... I did have cute fairy like Flower fairy wallpaper/curtains as a child though

"She's had her own wedding"

Have a little heart op - it's her son after all

We never expected any say in how money we gave was spent. They told us but we didn't ask and didn't mind. I also don't know if brides parents gave anything or how much. None of our business but I don't think you should expect to get x amount of input per £k of funding. Never occurred to me it work that way.

Maybe it makes a difference how busy the mothers are? For example when youngest son got married I was working fulltime in very demanding job, carer for disabled husband and doing lots of childcare for other sons children. I honestly didn't have time to go dress shopping.

I think the op might have had an easier ride if she hadn't talked about expecting Mil to 'butt out', that she'd 'had her own wedding' or best of all 'letting her' make the wedding cake - all in her opening post.

I didn't involve my parents or my PIL's in one tiny bit. I didn't have time to discuss and accommodate other people's opinions and I wanted something nice and straightforward.
I read these threads and don't regret a thing

I have two girls and when/if they get married I would show an interest but I would never assume any rights of input.

I just don't get the need to be involved in every aspect of decision making in their adult lives.

A marriage is about the two people getting married. Everyone else is a spectator regardless of they have offered to help fund it.

Mothers/mils have to take a backseat as its not their wedding - however difficult that maybe.

flo I don't see anything wrong in those statements. What do you see that's so antagonistic ?

I agree Joyful, I pray my DD want to include me and let me help plan as I love that sort of thing, however if they don't me there I am not going to force myself on them and sulk.

alpac me too. I love a good wedding. BUT. I know my tastes are not the same as my girls and wouldn't want them to go along with somthing I suggested because they didn't want to offend me.

Also I've been NC with my own mother for 15 years so I'd just be really thankful that I was apart of my dds big day.