AIBU to expect my future MIL to butt out of wedding planning?

[thelaststripe]

Now I see her dilemma, she has 3 sons who are traditionally not as keen on wedding planning, but she will not leave it alone. I'm letting her make the wedding cake but she's bombarding me daily with hymn suggestion, questions about the exact colour of my veil etc. Is there a nice way to remind her that she's had her own wedding, this one is mine and my OHs?

[AlPacinosHooHaa]

I'd just be really thankful that I was apart of my dds big day. for my various reasons I would also be grateful to be part of the day, would love it if my advice was sought but not going to impose myself on them and ruin it for them.

[AlPacinosHooHaa]

anyway op, its not really your prob get your dh to deal with her. " hi mil, yes the veil I think dh said he pinned down the shade as its tricky, will get him to cll you"

[Floisme]

Joyfull I guess it was mainly the one about 'letting her' (MIL-to-be) make the wedding cake. To my mind that's a really lovely thing to do for someone and for the op to present it as if she was the one doing MIL a favour ... well it did initially make me think, 'you patronising/ungrateful little madam' However I can see from later posts that it's a lot more complex than that.

[Lovemylittlebear]

Oh I would love it if my mil was interested in our wedding planning. Neither my mother or mil are too fussed... So whilst I wouldn't want anyone telling me what to do a bit of interest would be really lovely xx

[Joyfulldeathsquad]

flo it depends if she can also make cakes! I've seen some god awful ones

[Floisme]

Well that's true joyful

[Rosieliveson]

I sometimes find the MIL situation difficult.

[Rosieliveson]

Sorry, posted too early.
As PP said, in many couples,once you are living with, engaged, married etc it seems to fall to the DiL to maintain relationships with the Mil and many people on here seem to suggest that she should get the same treatment as your own mum. The thing is, she isn't your mum. I have a MiL who, after a rough start, is generally lovely. But she can be very forthright, demanding and controlling. I simply do not have the relationship with her that I have with my own mum. I don't think that is something I should be forced to fake because I married her son.
OP, in your shoes I would share anything I wanted to share and be vague or tell her outright that certain things are a surprise. Also, pass the phone to your DP every now and again. It actually is his mum after all!

[Jackieharris]

She's your future babysitter. Be nice to her.

[DejaVuAllOverAgain]

The OP's mil lives 4 hours away so is unlikely to be doing much babysitting and even if she was that doesn't mean the OP has to let her dictate the wedding arrangements I do agree the wedding cake thing was badly worded and I suspect didn't come across as the OP intended.

I agree with Rosieliveson about relationships with mils. There's no way would I have the same relationship with a mil that I do with my own mum. My mum has brought me up on her own and has continued to support me throughout my life.

[LadyTmalia]

I think its a bit weird that your mum is buying your future husbands wedding ring or did I get that bit wrong?

If I didint, aibu to think that a major symbol of marriage is being provided by someone else?

Surely you buy the grroms ring and he buys the bride ring?

[ethelb]

Sorry you are going through this OP. I'm one month off my wedding (been planning wedding for 5 months) and we have had very similar problems to you with both our mothers.

We asked them at the beginning of the planning process if they wanted to let us know if they wanted anything in particular and both sets of parents said they just wanted us to have the wedding we wanted and they were too busy to help.

Roll forward two months and both sets of mothers had taken their crazy pills. I also had comments on the precise shade of my shoes (from MIL), my nails (yes seriously, and I was told that if I ignored my mother I would regret it for years to come as it would show in my photographs), what the bridesmaids are and aren't doing, and a face of sheer horror about pretty much any detail that hadn't been run past them first. Oh, and faces of sheer horror about details we had asked them first about, they had forgotten about and decided that they were now just appalled by the idea.

They have made 'suggestions' that they have then told everyone will be happening. They have fussed and sulked when called out on this. (I have had this from other relatives too incuding an uncle and my grandmother).

I made the mistake of letting (and yes it was letting) my mother sort the cake out after she talked my relative who had offered to bake it for us out of doing so. I had to relieve her of that duty after she went a bit Phoebe Bouffet when she is put in charge of the cups in Friends (those of you who have seen the episode will know what I mean). So I have let her do the flowers, which I have no interest in and only she really wanted, she has found ways to still not have that finalised and is blaming me.

MIL has been put in charge of collecting cheese the day before for the evening buffet, and the conversation that we had with her over that resulted in fits of hysterical crying and shouting. About how I let my parents drive me places (they have once driven me back to theirs since I left home 10 years ago) and not taken her up on an offer of a lift that was further than we neeeded to go. Seriously. It was as mad as that sounds.

The mistake here, OP, is that I gave them nice, simple, pretty, easy jobs to do that they just decided to get totally hysterical over.

I think you need to divvy up the jobs between you and your DP (I did this and tbf it wasn't an even split but DP did have some of the big jobs). Your DP can then choose to share some of them with his parents if he wants, and he should.

Tricky jobs you may want a hand with (and its unlikely people will offer) include:

Table plan planning
Writing out invites
Writing out place cards
Calculating food and alcohol needed
Booking taxis/transport
Getting the wedding programme written and printed (though make sure this isn't used an an opportunity to strongarm you into something you don't want)
Planning logistics on the day
Emergency bride and groom kits
Ensuring the venues are accessible to all guests
Signage to venue

Then your MIL can comment on the precise shade he is wearing, and not you. She can nag him about decisions being made, not you. She can give her suggestions to him re hymns and when the two of you sit down to finalise them he can decide whether or not he wants to go with one of her suggestions, not you. She may also get a bit of a dose of reality when she realises wedding planning isn't all about choosing a pretty dress, pretty flowers and a pretty cake.

I am really saddened by some of the responses from mother's of sons on here. The fact that you think it is up to your future DILS to involve you in their future wedding day rather than raising sons who would take a bit more charge over their wedding planning than is apparently traditional. Have anyof the people criticisng the OP honestly doing considered that rather than screeching about Mil bashing?

[DemelzaIfOnly]

My Mum & MIL met up over dinner several times and organised much of it. Dad and DIL just got their chequebooks out when asked!

My (now xDH) DH and I both lived in England but got married in Scotland, so made more sense. DH & I told them what we wanted and they sorted it, and agreed things with us before committing to anything. We organised dress / bridesmaids dresses / honeymoon (!) from our end.

They paid for it all and I really don't remember getting upset about anything. It was great fun to organise! Just talk to each other - you never know what ideas other people can come up with as long as they all know you might say 'no'!

[Joyfulldeathsquad]

She's your future babysitter. Be nice to her.

If only. Mine is a facebook nan all gushing and 'look what I bought my dgc' yet if she gets a sniff we might ask her to babysit she is ill, shopping,busy ect.

[AlPacinosHooHaa]

She's your future babysitter. Be nice to her

when my DC come back they are so quiet/rude/ aggressive and so unlike themselves its not worth it. We are down to a few visits per year with supervision.

[notquiteruralbliss]

I married a long time ago. As an atheist, I wasn't fussed about the actual wedding and only had a church wedding because I knew it was what my MIL wanted. She organised the whole thing and I was happy for her to do so as it meant far more to her than to me. If it would make your MIL happy to be more involved and it wouldn't detract from your experience of the day, why not do it.

[Pyjamasandwine]

I was far closer to my lovely mil than my mum.

My stbdil and I are very very close as she is to my dds.

Her own dm is vile.

Each to own.

[morethanpotatoprints]

When we got married my dh mum was as important as my mum, and we arranged the wedding between us.
I find it quite weird your mum is doing more than your mil, its like she is an unwanted extra.
i'm sorry but I'm glad you're not my future dil. Mine is lovely, we get on well and already know that although I'm not her mum she likes me and will respect my involvement when the time comes.

[Loopylala7]

I invited MIL to dress fittings because she doesn't have daughters and would miss out otherwise. It was a great way for her to bond with my DM and I think she was over the moon to be included.

Remember after the wedding is all over (and it is just one day of your life which goes super fast by the way), she is your MIL for life and its good to build, not destroy bridges. Especially if you might be wanting an on call babysitter in the future...

[EponasWildDaughter]

''Roll forward two months and both sets of mothers had taken their crazy pills.''

chuckled at that

I got married for the second time nearly 3 years ago. DH and i both very clear about what we wanted/did not want ... could not afford!

Both mums were pretty ok. MIL was a bit twitchy about the fact that the whole of DHs family weren't invited. But it would have meant my side being outnumbered by about 50 to 1 and turned the whole event into yet another of the many many 'that side of the families' big boozy do's. Which neither of us wanted. Then she wanted us to throw a massive party. Again for his side of the family. I'm sure she still thinks it was just me who wasn't keen on the idea, not DH as well. sigh.

We get on well - but neither DH or i are 'showy' people. MIL is. She likes a big show of who can throw the biggest party. Just wasn't what we wanted for our day.

My mum was the polar opposite and thought we should slink off and get married under a tarpaulin i think. (never forgave me for persueing happiness with DH2) She was about me getting married in white for the second time. And about the money spent on details like the car, the food and the honeymoon. She gave up though, when she saw it wasn't working :)

[MoustacheofRonSwanson]

YANBU, but You Are Being Unrealistic.

[ssd]

I hope anyone here who thinks the op is right to include her mum and leave out her MIL has only boys.....

and remebers this thread

[ssd]

not a great start confused.....