AIBU to expect my future MIL to butt out of wedding planning?

[thelaststripe]

Now I see her dilemma, she has 3 sons who are traditionally not as keen on wedding planning, but she will not leave it alone. I'm letting her make the wedding cake but she's bombarding me daily with hymn suggestion, questions about the exact colour of my veil etc. Is there a nice way to remind her that she's had her own wedding, this one is mine and my OHs?

Interestingly of the recent couples I've come across, the groom is doing more planning than the bride. Mainly because of circumstances - bride working away or more busy but yes, a few where the groom is more interested in it.

However all of them were doing it as couples not child-parent combos.

I think there is a real shift going on here and parents (and PILs) who were waiting for 'their turn' are finding themselves disappointed.

confused my comment wasn't directed at you, just was a general musing as most of my friends getting married seem to be fretting about what their parents and extended family want, and I don't think it should really be a part of the decision making to be honest.

I never actually thought about it much, but in my culture, we have the wedding ceremony celebration with reception with the dress and everything organised by the brides side.

After the wedding ceremony/party traditionally the very next day, there's a massive party thrown (and paid for) by the grooms side including a dress for the bride, sit down reception/flowers/entertainment etc.

Used to think it was a massive waste of time but clearly not. I genuinely never considered that anyone would feel left out of arrangements.

ConfusedInBath

I sympathise.

confused, your future DIL's DM sounds bats a bit

ethelb, your 'helpers' sound equally . I think I'd elope in your non-white shoes!

You both have my sympathy.

Goodness Confused, have you trodden on the toes on some of these before! I am finding it difficult to match up some of the comments to you with what you have actually said.

So, you had the temerity to be a bit disappointed that you weren't asked to go dress shopping. Wow. Your DiL sounds lovely and I am sure there will be lots of happy times to share in the future.

My DiL didn't ask me to go dress shopping either but she did ask if I would like to see the dress before the day. I actually chose not to and to to see it for the first time when she came into church but I did accept the invitation to go with her and her mother to choose the flowers and they did share with us all of the details of venue and menu etc.

Some brides like everyone to be involved, some like to do it all themselves I suppose that's just how it is.

@decaffe it has been suggested!

Spring, apologies, I see what you mean now.

Just be nice and answer her questions op? How hard can it be.

Kundry I think you have hit on the nub of the issue. In the olden days, (i.e. when I was young!) people were more likely to expect that parents would pay for weddings and with this went some expectation that parents would have a say in the details. These days people are more independent and are more likely to expect to plan the wedding themselves and often they pay for all or part of it themselves too.

Times change and expectations change too. Having said that I was delighted that my DD asked me to go with her to choose her dress but had half expected her to want to do that with her friends. There are no rights and wrongs, just different ways of doing things.

I agree with you Kundry and Meercat. I think the issue is that one sexist expectation, that MOB organises everything has switched to another, sexist expectation that the Bride organises everything. And somehow knows when to involve other people when they want to be involved.

TBH its partly an independence thing and partly a time thing. My DGMA organised my parent's wedding, but she didn't work. My mother works full time in a demanding profession. Despite some of her expectations she doesn't actually have time to execute the logistics of them and I don't think she has been totally realistic about that.

Confused not read the whole thing but not wanting to meet you because she doesnt like her other dils sounds barmy and narrow minded to me.

There is nowt more you can do. At least you wanted to meet.

I hope the wedding goes well.

Blimey. OP and ConfusedinBath have both had a pasting in a surreally unearned way, now. AIBU can be a strange place.

On the fraught subject of wedding dress shopping, I almost ordered from light in th box but then I got scared as I'd seen so many bad reviews

Also, people on here seem to be wishing sins on me as if they're a curse!! When/if I do have children, regardless of gender and sexuality, I would hope to have raised them to be confident enough in themselves to organise the wedding of their dreams! Planning my own wedding is enough hassles, I'll be happy not to be asked in the future. The most I would expect is an invitation!

*sons, not sins!! How Freudian of me

To have someone to support you in happiness and sadness is rare. She is his mother and completely doing the right thing-her duty as both a mother and MIL and it sounds like she is doing it out of love.

My lovely DIL invited me to go wedding dress 'trying on' along with her mum; we had a lovely hour or two then went and had a very nice lunch. She got her dress somewhere else with her mum later, but it was lovely to be invited along. She kept me up to date with wedding arrangements and emailed me pics of flowers etc. I felt involved, but accepted it was her wedding and that her mum would be the one closely involved. My son just went along with everything ! A bit of thoughtfulness on DILs part and the same on the part of MILs and all these issues wouldn't happen. Why do some people have to create problems unnecessarily - honestly, life's difficult enough without all this. Hope the next DIL is as considerate.

She is. My son got lucky (mind you, I think he's pretty nice too....)