AIBU to expect my future MIL to butt out of wedding planning?

[thelaststripe]

Now I see her dilemma, she has 3 sons who are traditionally not as keen on wedding planning, but she will not leave it alone. I'm letting her make the wedding cake but she's bombarding me daily with hymn suggestion, questions about the exact colour of my veil etc. Is there a nice way to remind her that she's had her own wedding, this one is mine and my OHs?

[thelaststripe]

She is over excited, which I understand, but I think she thinks she knows best. Don't get me wrong, I welcome the suggestions, but would prefer to ask her before getting things often forcibly suggested to me. I also hate the reaction I get when I don't agree with her suggestions

[StatisticallyChallenged]

Agree with Sleeponaday - there is some major projection going on here. It's like some posters are reading a thread which doesn't exist. The OP doesn't sound remotely bridezilla-ish ...in fact it sounds like part of the issue is that she's not, so she doesn't want to discuss minute details endlessly because she doesn't really mind!

[jigsawlady]

yanbu

do what you would if she was constantly ringing you to give you advice, views, suggestions on other parts of your life. I.e. a job or holiday. I would just not engage with her everyday only respond to some of her messages and tell your dp if his mum wants to talk to someone about suggestions he can field her interference

[DecaffTastesWeird]

I was about to say from your OP that YWBU, but from the rest of your posts you definitely are NBU. MIL sounds U. Don't know what to suggest except keep trying to involve her as much as possible, do lots of smiling and nodding if necessary and if it gets too stressful ask your DP to liaise with her.

[Summeblaze]

My parents paid for all of my wedding.

MIL was invited to all trips out to choose bride/bridesmaids outfits, was asked her opinion on everything from hymns, colour schemes, invitations. Sometimes we went with her idea, sometimes we didn't but it made her feel involved.

My DM encouraged this as she believed it was the right thing to do. She had no experience of how MIL felt as she had 2 girls and DH has a sister who could have gone on to get married (although she hasn't as yet).

I now have 2 DS's and would hope they would involve me too.

It is a slippery slope now to a family that doesn't get on in the future.

[StatisticallyChallenged]

"I've already got my dress, which I bought with my mum and she was cross I didn't bring my mum and myself 4 hours across the country to look for dresses with her. She wouldn't come to us, she doesn't drive"

It sounds from this like OP did invite her to be involved in dress shopping, but the MIL didn't want to travel to do it. Not OPs fault, I think it's totally reasonable to try and get the dress locally given that OP will have to go in several times for fittings etc nearer the wedding.

[Justyouwaitandsee]

My MIL has all sons so I made a real effort to include her in the planning. I had one dress shopping trip for both mums, although ultimately I bought my dress just with my mum. As details were decided, I would send her photos or links so she knew what we had chosen.

A few other things we did, which might be things you could consider:

We set our guest list and then told both sets of parents that they could invite any extras they wanted (within a certain limit) as long as they paid for the cost per head of each. This meant they each had certain people who were special to them, as well as us.

In terms of a secret project, I also asked my mil if she could find any specific items belonging to my DHs grandparents which she could surprise him with and give him to carry with him on the day. Not only did DH love this, it also gave me and MIL a shared plan which he wasn't aware of.

We ensured that both mums (and surviving grandmothers) were given special corsages to wear on the day.

We arranged for the memorial lamps in the church to be burning in memory for family and friends on both sides of the family and put a note inside the order of service.

We asked both our mums to be our witnesses (explaining that we wanted the names of all four parents on the certificate) and during the signing of the register we arranged for the organist to play my FIL's favourite piece of classical music.

And after the wedding, we arranged to visit the family graves of my MIL parents, allowing them to see my husband lay his buttonhole on the grave, and taking with us some of the leftover centrepieces which we used to fill all the pots. It looked beautiful, was special for my DH and his family knew that we had thought about both sides of the family. (My bouquet wasn't thrown but was also taken to my brothers grave by my nan). As a religious family these things meant a lot.

[Nishky]

just what a lovely wedding you had.

[slithytove]

My mils only contribution to our wedding was to tell DH that she didn't like his outfit and he shouldn't wear a kilt.

Still a bit gutted.

She ignored everything else I tried to get her involved with, and had a face like thunder on the day. Not what I would have expected tbh.

2 years later and I know why.

[BeatriceBumble]

My youngest DS is getting married in May to a wonderful girl. I haven't been asked to get involved. My DH and I have given him a sum of money towards the wedding. I am very happy to just turn up on the day and have a lovely time.

Best wishes for your wedding day OP.

[EponasWildDaughter]

I think the right thing to do here is get your DH to be to stop snapping at his mum when she tries to talk to him about stuff the wedding, and do his share of 'managing' her, for want of a better word. To be fair she does sound a bit of a handful (unwilling to do A B C but insisting on X Y Z, etc), but he is blanking her, and so she is turning to you in frustration for involvement, and it is causing friction.

This is a MIL/DIL pattern we see so many times on MN. And 9 times out of 10 it's the SON who isn't stepping up to the mark with being involved with his mum and the OP is being left to deal with the MIL.

How many times do we see a man expected to work hard to deal with HIS WIFE's mother on a day to day basis, and go the extra mile to include her ? Not often.

Your future lives will follow this same pattern if you don't find a way to sort it now, trust me. House, baby, ect: MIL wants input, her son blanks her, she turns a bit frantically to you for getting input, you pull back .... repeat, repeat repeat.

[Kundry]

What Eponas said x1000

Your DH appears to find her difficult and snaps at her. So she comes to you instead. And then unsurprisingly, you find her difficult too.

This is nothing to do with evil DILs or unsupportive sons or any other MN hobbyhorses. It's to do with wifework - your DH avoids the relationship so you are lumped with it, whether you like it or not.

I wouldn't speak to her, I'd speak to your DH to tell him you currently speak to his mother more than he does and could he step up please?

[grannytomine]

EponasWildDaughter you are probably right, so often men seem to expect their wife/partner/mother to do the hard work in keeping families together. To be fair my sons aren't too bad, all three managed to get me presents and cards today without help of wives/girl friends. I was pleased as I am their mother not their partners mother, they all have mothers of their own.

[WineListPlease]

It's threads like this that make me so very glad that DH and I eloped!
We had NO interest in anyone else's opinion about how we chose to marry so there would have been no way of including MIL's wishes or involving her in any way.
It was OUR wedding, and just because she would have liked to be involved, it doesn't mean that she had any right to expect to be.
And it wasn't mean of me or my DH to exclude her.

[Kundry]

Absolutely WineList. It never occurred to me that my MIL should help me choose my dress, just like it never occurred to DH that my DM should help him choose his suit.

And my MIL (who I don't actually like much) has had flowers today. Bought and arranged by me.

If you want to stay in touch with your sons when they marry, bring them up to think it's their responsibility!!! It's not the DIL getting in the way, it's the lazy sons leaving it all to the woman. Funnily enough running my DH's relationship with his mother is not in my top ten priorities - sadly for her, she hasn't brought him up to believe it's in his either.

[MayLuke83]

MIL Brigade out in force I see. YANBU OP! Enjoy planning YOUR day with your DP. Good luck!

[Tutt]

I like the idea of giving her a special project it will make her feel included and special but I do think the daily emails/text would carry on.

I had to do this with my SIL!! My MIL died the year before and SIL became 'the matriarch' and become a nightmare (she fab as a rule).

BUT I do think that she is just excited and wants to be part of your big day, Mother of the groom just doesn't seem as important as Mother of the bride... I only have 1 DS and so this makes me sad.

[Justyouwaitandsee]

My DH makes just as much effort with my parents as I do with his. I realise different people view things differently, and some have difficult relationships. We both had the wedding we wanted, but making some small gestures to those closest to us just made it special for them as well as us. I guess you just need to find out what works for you. Just wanted to show that there are ways to make them feel involved on your own terms!

[carabos]

Oh god. Is this what I'm in for? DS1 got engaged on Friday, I'm happy and excited for him and his fiancée. I'd love to be involved in their wedding plans (I have a lot of events management experience and am a trained florist) and I don't have a daughter.

Having read this thread, I'm now worried about being seen as interfering, although I wouldn't make suggestions about what they should or shouldn't do / have. I'd love to be invited to go dress shopping, but maybe I shouldn't expect that, I'd like to go to a wedding fair (if she wants to do that), I'd like to see the venues (but wouldn't express a preference).

They're coming round for a celebratory meal tomorrow night and now I'm panicking because I don't know what approach to take .

[Charlotte3333]

MIL here got a bit like that. I understand it from her point of view; I have two boys and I sincerely hope I'll love their wives and be welcome and included in their lives. However, there were moments (and there are still moments) when I've had to say "This is my choice, it's made, it's done. You may not agree and that's fine". She's better now because I acknowledge her position without ever giving up my own.

Congratulations on the engagement, op, and to you too, carabos, here's to a lifetime of happiness for you both.

[deste]

I don't find it strange at all that the grooms mother is not allowed to be involved. I just left my DD get on with her wedding as she wanted to do it herself. When we asked about anything we were told they wanted it to be a surprise and not to ask. I did as she asked because my mother interfered and I didn't want to be that person.

[Jewels234]

YANBU. I have this same issue. We are getting married 4 hours away, so there have been a lot of visits. She has been invited but wants her own 'special visit' with us. We are insanely busy, I'm struggling to hold my life together and I just want her to leave me alone. The more I have shared the more she demands to be involved.

[Jewels234]

Carabos, I appreciate it's hard to get it right. I would absolutely wait to be invited to do/get involved with anything. If you're not invited then I would just accept it and not mention it. Just be happy for your son.

[Kundry]

Carabos - I didn't go to a wedding fair or dress shopping with my own DM who I am very very close to. Neither did DM or PILs see the venue until the day of the wedding. Many couples just plan it themselves, especially if they are paying for it. PILS gave us a cheque after the wedding which was great as I hadn't expected it and we hadn't felt beholden to them during the planning.

I'd suggest wait until they've made their preferences clear. It's not to do with sons or daughters, it's to do with the couple and how they want their day to be. They may not be planning to involve parents of any sort much.

Don't be surprised if there is more for the mother of the bride though - going to your son's suit fitting just doesn't have the same ring to it.