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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that putting your 14yo on the pill and letting her sleep with her boyfriend at home is just bloody WRONG?

315 replies

macmonkey · 15/03/2015 12:44

An (I thought) otherwise reasonable Mum has not only encouraged her 14yo to have sex with her boyfriend of several months but has the boy staying practically every weekend and lets them sleep together. I honestly believe she thinks it's the way to 'keep' a boyfriend. The first time she sent the girl to sleep with bf was when all the girls were over for a sleepover. What kind of message does that send to them? Not to mention the younger siblings, also in the house. So when her DS gets to 14 and brings a girl home, will she let them start shagging under her roof too? Or will she discuss it first with girl's parents, maybe? FFS. I'm practically speechless.

OP posts:
Pipbin · 15/03/2015 12:48

Do you know it to be true that she encouraged the daughter?
When I was 16 I would sleep (in both senses) with my boyfriend at his mums house. Her logic was that it was going to happen anyway so it might as well happen somewhere safe.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/03/2015 12:49

Well it depends doesn't it. If they were going to have sex anyway better that it's protected and in a safe place surely. I would hope she also encouraged condom use too. Having protected sex at 14 is not ideal but it's better than having a baby at 14.

waithorse · 15/03/2015 12:50

Big difference between 14 and 16 though. What you were doing at 16 wasn't illegal for one.

Finola1step · 15/03/2015 12:50

What do you mean "she sent the girl to sleep with her bf"?

SurlyCue · 15/03/2015 12:51

You are saying that this mother (what is the father doing to protect his daughter?) actually sent her 14yo to have sex? She told her to had sex and sent her with that expressed purpose?

PHANTOMnamechanger · 15/03/2015 12:52

I'm quite sure you dont know the full details and I think you should just MYOB, TBH

would you rather the mother refused her DD to go on the pill, or the DD was too embarrased to discuss such matters, and they had an accident in the park with a split condom? 14yos do sleep together, doing it with the knowledge of parents, in a stable relationship, and with good contraceptive protection is better than the many alternatives.

my only concern would be that they should be using condoms as well, to protects against STDs

EstRusMum · 15/03/2015 12:52

YABU
I'd rather my DD do it at home than on the park bench. Hmm

Mrsjayy · 15/03/2015 12:54

We'll I think by allowing it. The mum is encouraging an adult relationship to quickly I know they would do it anyway blah blah but it is not something I would have done when dds were 14

SistersOfPercy · 15/03/2015 12:55

Because ignoring the fact her daughter is sexually active and letting them get it on behind the local Co-Op is a much better option isn't it OP?

WonderingWillow · 15/03/2015 12:57

Est I agree. It's not a great situation but better in my eyes to control what you can; protection and safe place etc. You can't stop them doing it.

You don't actually know what goes on behind closed doors, and I suspect some of this is exaggerated somewhat; so unless it affects you directly, you're probably better off minding your own.

championnibbler · 15/03/2015 13:00

isn't sex at 14 illegal?

BallsToThat · 15/03/2015 13:02

If her mum really is encouraging her and 'sending' her to have sex then thats one issue. And worrying.

But if her daughter has confided in her that she is already sexually active or planning to become sexually active, and her mum's response has been to help her sort out contraception and encourage the boy to come to their house, where she can observe the relationship and be there for her DD...then thats making the best of the situation and doing the best she can.

My mum was a single mum. There was no father around to co-parent with and she was raising teenagers alone. I told my mum when I lost my virginity at 15, and although she wasnt applauding me, she did not shame me. She talked through contraception and relationship issues with me, she came to the clinic with me to get the pill AND free condoms, and she wanted to meet my boyfriend and have him to stay at outs so she could build a relationship with him (and his parents). It was the best she could do in the circumstances. I had already had sex with him. My mum wasnt going to stop me, short of locking me in the house 24/7. She acted responsibly and as an adult woman and mother, I still believe that.

WingsofNylon · 15/03/2015 13:02

You're not being very clear. What do you mean by sent her? And are you hearing this as you were present or through the mum or dd?

I don't agree that a mother should ever make a dd feel she had to have sex but I do get very irritated with all the people who would rather have and environment where dd or ds is made to feel they can't be honest about what they are doing, can't reach out for advice and practical support and don't have the option of doing somewhere that is safe.

My only stipulation would be that I'd ask that they didn't have sex while we were in the house and we would afford them the same.

owlborn · 15/03/2015 13:03

I have friends who were sexually active at 14 in the parental home. My parents were much stricter so I was sexually active in a number of local parks and alleyways.

We all turned out alright in the end. She's not wrong for doing it one way. You're not wrong for doing it another. I suspect it doesn't hugely impact on the amount of sex most teens get, only the location.

Pipbin · 15/03/2015 13:04

How do you know this?
Who are the other girls you mention?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/03/2015 13:08

Sex at 14 is illegal but unlikely to be an issue in practise if the boyfriend is a boy of similar age.

wearing · 15/03/2015 13:09

Why do some people, think that the alternative to letting your 14yo have sex at home is your 14yo having sex outdoors or somewhere else?

At 14 dd is still under my watch. She doesn't go out at night, she is dropped off and picked up at her friends in the day time, and if she's staying anywhere I call the parents and double check.

My 14yo won't be having sex with anyone, whether under my roof or anywhere else!

Pipbin · 15/03/2015 13:10

My 14yo won't be having sex with anyone, whether under my roof or anywhere else!

You think.

QOD · 15/03/2015 13:13

My Dd is 16 and i still wouldn't let her sleep with a bf in my house.
i managed to have sex without my mum enabling it, I agree it would make the relationship too adult and serious.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/03/2015 13:14

Yes, can you clarify what you mean by "encouraged her 14yr old to have sex" and "sent the girl to sleep with BF" please?

I agree that there is a world of difference between knowing your DD is sexually active & making the decision that you can't stop her so would rather know she is safe, and effectively pimping her out - which is more the image the above wording brings to mind.

Floggingmolly · 15/03/2015 13:16

Surely not all 14 year old's are sexually active? Hmm. I find the idea that you've got to allow your dd to sleep with her bf in your house in order to keep her out of the alleyways and park benches completely depressing.
I wasn't going down dark alleys with anyone at 14; and I sincerely hope dd won't either.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/03/2015 13:18

Why do some people, think that the alternative to letting your 14yo have sex at home is your 14yo having sex outdoors or somewhere else?

Because where there's a will, there's a way. And we all know how strong willed teenagers can be!

Mrsjayy · 15/03/2015 13:19

Not all 14yr old's are shagging at the back of the co op or in the bedrooms at their houses making sure your own 14 YR old is safe and secure is 1 thing letting boyfriends stay over is another imo

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/03/2015 13:20

God no, Floggingmolly - I would think (and hope) that the vast majority of 14 yr olds aren't sexually active. But the one mentioned in the OP obviously is, hence the comments.

Thesuperswimmingdolphin · 15/03/2015 13:23

I have two teens of this age and over. They aren't shagging anybody anywhere and yes I DO know that. One of my dds had a school friend whose mum behaved like the Op described. Worked out spiffingly - if your aim was to be come a grandparent as the lass was a mother of twins by the time she was 17.

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