to think that putting your 14yo on the pill and letting her sleep with her boyfriend at home is just bloody WRONG?

[macmonkey]

An (I thought) otherwise reasonable Mum has not only encouraged her 14yo to have sex with her boyfriend of several months but has the boy staying practically every weekend and lets them sleep together. I honestly believe she thinks it's the way to 'keep' a boyfriend. The first time she sent the girl to sleep with bf was when all the girls were over for a sleepover. What kind of message does that send to them? Not to mention the younger siblings, also in the house. So when her DS gets to 14 and brings a girl home, will she let them start shagging under her roof too? Or will she discuss it first with girl's parents, maybe? FFS. I'm practically speechless.

Boys how old are your children and have any of them been in romantic relationships yet?

He's three, and he wants to marry me, but I don't count that.

Wait until he's 15 or 16 and in love. You will feel differently. Not 100% happy about the whole business, but much less freaked out at the prospect than you do now.

I struggle to think that anyone would want to lie next to the wall knowing family members were having sex next door. Especially if it's your parents doing it.

Its not plain bloody wrong, but it is far from ideal.

Where do 14 year olds get the idea that they need to be having sex?

Yes but that's just icky.

Knowing your children were having sex - children who are still children -??? Just doesn't compute. Unless I drastically change my entire personality it will absolutely not be happening. Fair play to them if they find a way (like I had to) and of course we will be frank and open about contraception, consent etc. But I can only control my own behaviour and it's not something I could live with myself doing.

revealall - that's true. Bad enough if it's a same age sibling, even worse if it's your wrinkly old parents, worst of all your mid teen DC!

Boys - The fact it's revolting to you doesn't mean it's not better to prepare them with good sex education and open lines of communication though!

My parents were like the ones in the op.. 'Open' about sex, allowing me to have my (older) boyfriend to stay or me to stay at his at the age of 15.. I felt that if they condoned it then it must be ok.. I also felt that in my mum's eyes I had 'achieved' something by getting myself a man.. I can't say for certain that I wouldn't have had sex (or made them grandparents shortly after my sixteenth birthday) if their attitude had been stricter.. But I certainly haven't followed their parenting model with my own children.

Study, after study has shown that the households that discuss sex openly, and discuss contraception freely are the ones in which the teens start sex later. We need to behave like adults to have these conversations and this thread clearly demonstrates that there are many, many people unable to hold an adult conversation about sex. How awful.

^ very well said

I cant stand it when people throw their arms up in horror at the thought of more sex ed in prmairy schools etc, when many of the countries that have better sex ed from a younger age also have lower teen pg rates and a higher than uk age for losing virginity. TAlking about sex in primary school does not corrupt kids and make them want to go off and start doing it! educating kids is the way forward, equipping them to make good choices.

I also think kids rely on adults to enforce the boundaries. They can get really cross with us about it but be secretly relieved. A 14 year old kid who's a bit nervous and doesn't really want to have sex and their mum totally removes the opportunity is a good thing. But mum saying to that kid oh yes, come here and do it, I'll pop some condoms on the bedside table.... I can just see them then feeling swept away and unsafe.

At 14 I was still totally relying on my parents to keep me safe. I was independent in an age appropriate way but having sex in the house would have been so off the radar. I know where I was and I always felt safe with that.

Providing access to contraception (including condoms) if they need it IS part of making them safe though. No good putting your head in the and ignoring the fact that some DCs do have sex before 16.

If my child had sex 15 I would not consider myself a poor parent. If they did it with no contraception I would think that was my fault for not equipping them well.

There was a thread on here a while ago which shocked me. It was along the lines of "How old were you when you lost your virginity". There were many posters who had been having sex under 16, and practically every one said that the sex had been coercive.

I think people should be aware of that risk when they talk about facilitating teenagers having sex.

wearing

You sound like my mum, she thought I was a virgin for years after I wasn't.

OP gone, then?

Looks like it doesn't it. Still an important discussion though.

One thing is for sure it's a bloody minefield this teen sex thing for us parents I still think allowing 14 yr olds to stay over is crossing a boundary though It wouldn't have entDred my head to let a boyfriend stay the night. At 14,

It depends on the context of the open discussion. There are teens in both my DCs years who come from homes where sex has been very openly discussed (if you believe what they say) but in the context of a very liberal "ach well, you can't stop them, eh" hands-off parenting type way. That, imo, is not the way to stop them having sex at that age. To stop them feeling like they need sex/love/attention, you need boundaries, consistency, a secure and stable home life with parents who are around as opposed to out shagging themselves, ambitions for your DC, encouraging them to value and respect themselves themselves and a general laying down of the rules from a fairly early age.

Just discussing sex and contraception openly is not enough to ensure that your DCs start having sex later - nowhere near enough.

It is a minefield isn't it. I think 14 is a funny age actually. At 13 the lock up your daughters approach might be justified, at 15 it's so close to 16 that you might justifiably think it is doesn't make much difference. But 14 is too young really for vast majority of people but not so young that they might not do it anyway....

I agree with you I know a few 'ach well' parents and Tbh it didn't turn out so Rosie for their children saying that I was 19 before I was sexually active I( did have sex once at 17 ) and I had a baby by the time I was 21 nowhere near a teen pregnancy but still quite young

Oh blimey this is me although I am not the mum talked about in the op.

I found out through school that my ds and his gf both 14 had started a sexual relationship even though I had spoken to him about her and said the obvious but it fell on deaf ears and there we were. I tried banning him from seeing her but he would just jump out the window and go and see her anywhere he could, word was they were having sex in the woods, friends houses whilst their parents were out, it was awful.

Dp gf N was a girl from a local traveller family (big community here, dp also part roma) and although a really lovely family seemed not to mind nor care whether her daughter was having underage sex. She said it was the norm in her family. She herself had been allowed to sleep with her bf at 12 .

Anyway, I was terrified this girl was going to get pregnant, her parents didnt really seem to mind and I certainly didnt want them doing it outside because of the risks. I went to the school and told them my concerns, they then informed social services who then informed the police. They all had a meeting and I was told that although both were 14 they would not take any action because they were both over 12, both had consented, knew the risks and took protection. I was utterly stunned at that, basically they were turning a blind eye.

School were rather stoical and told me they couldnt get upset about 2 14 yr olds having sex because they got year 7s worring about pregancy because they had older bf above 13.

So. I let ds continue in his relationship with N. Her mum took her to the doctors and she had the implant and the pill as she bled from it and ds went and bought condoms. They stayed at each others houses a lot but her mum and I agreed it was rather that we knew and supported them than them doing it in unsavoury places and risking pregnancy etc.

I have been judged. I know I will be here. I often think I should have handled it differently but I didnt. They are no longer together but my relationship with my ds is intact.

14 is a strange difficult time for them lustful hormones in overdrive

Most teenagers don't have underage sex, only a quarter do (stats below) so I don't understand when people say 'if you don't let them do it in the house they'll do it in the park'. Neither myself or my closest friends had underage sex partly because we grew up in the midst of the AIDS epidemic but also because we knew it was wrong and too adult. Most teenagers are actually pretty sensible. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2011/dec/15/quarter-uk-women-underage-sex

I find that very reassuring it does mean you still need to provide appropriate support if your DC is in the 25% who do. And if your DC start having sex at 16 or 17 your work on sex ed and good comms will still come in useful

Some of my friends were though, one got pregnant. She was 13. Had sex with her boyfriend behind the spar at 9pm.

I dont know, the ones who do have sex may or may not do it in the park etc but if you were a raging hormonal 14 year old and you made that decision to have sex anyway then chances are you would risk the park. My ex set up a tent in local beauty spot and he and his first gf did it there because both their parents would have gone mad. They didnt use protction either. They were 15 and 14.