to think that putting your 14yo on the pill and letting her sleep with her boyfriend at home is just bloody WRONG?

[macmonkey]

An (I thought) otherwise reasonable Mum has not only encouraged her 14yo to have sex with her boyfriend of several months but has the boy staying practically every weekend and lets them sleep together. I honestly believe she thinks it's the way to 'keep' a boyfriend. The first time she sent the girl to sleep with bf was when all the girls were over for a sleepover. What kind of message does that send to them? Not to mention the younger siblings, also in the house. So when her DS gets to 14 and brings a girl home, will she let them start shagging under her roof too? Or will she discuss it first with girl's parents, maybe? FFS. I'm practically speechless.

Cheerful, the law is a good starting point.

At 16, if my daughter came to me and said she wanted contraception,i would assist her without question. I absolutely would not have her boyfriend sleeping over, and I wouldn't permit her to stay over at his place. From 18, she could stay over and he could stay over, but separate rooms. Once they had been together for se time, I would consider the same bedroom.

Of course it happens in the daytime. Which is why I closely monitor what my dd does in the day as well.

My parents hardly garnered the place with rose petals an encouraged it, he stayed at the house as a 200 mile round trip to visit was unrealistic. He stayed in spare room, not in my bed. Realise that my story is not same as op so I should just quit trying to explain myself.

I would say that I think being open to discussing relationships rather than encouraging teens to hide them may be a good attitude to have, even if they are technically underage.

And yes, some girls will go do it regardless of what you say, have you not heard papa don't preach?

Papa Don't Preach was a song by a slightly-older-than-14 Madonna who was preggers by her boyfriend, who was also slightly older than 14 and working as a mechanic, and both of them were about to face the wrath of a father who had brought her up alone. Not quite the same thing as the OP

Yes, some girls and boys will do it anyway...but more will do it if their parents don't put boundaries in place and don't say no.

That is my feeling too Enjoying. I just wondered because it seems a lot of posters are saying they'd give the go ahead at 14.

I think that the fact my parents put rules in place at home (no boys in my bedroom, no staying at a boys house etc) was actually helpful to me when at 18 (still at school) my boyfriend, who was well into his 20s, was putting a lot of pressure on me to sleep with him, and I didn't feel ready to take that step. I had back up, and it wasn't all on my shoulders. My parents were still taking some of the responsibilty. Also if I'd even suggested having sex at 14 or so my best friend would also have been very shocked and probably pretty upset. My friendship group in the sixth form were a pretty sensible bunch, there were no abortions, one had sex at 17 but then not again for a year or two, the rest of my little group waited until 18 or over and I was nearly 23 before I felt ready (and actually even then felt rather pushed into it). It would have absolutely broken my father's heart if I'd had an abortion, and I knew there was no way I could cope with a baby , so all that factored in too, at 18. My parents didn't even talk to me about it much, it was absolutely expected that I would wait until I was a grown woman and in a serious relationship (I'm sure they hoped I would wait as they had, until I was married). And I suppose that I agreed with them. I have never been interested in casual sex. I wanted a loving and close relationship first. My best friend is still with her first boyfriend, as are my other two close schoolfriends. I am 51. So a teenager in the late 70s early 80s.
I do really think that had my parents had a different attitude, and the friends around me, and their parents, in terms of expecting us to start having sex at 14 or so, that I would have been much more vulnerable, and might have ended up sleeping with someone much sooner than would have been either right or good for me.
I also agree with the pp who said that we had lots of freedom, before mobiles etc, we were largely uncontactable, but somehow that meant we were trusted and didn't want to betray that trust.
My dds are 7 and 10, so little still, but I hope they are properly adult when they embark on a sexual relationship, that it is with someone who they care very much about and who cares very much for them, and that they are absolutely not pressured into having sex as children by men or society.
p.s.just as an afterthought, i wonder how many posters have seen the campaign against child marriage/sexual exploitation, and have thought about the fact that the ages of the children exploited into marriage may be the same as the girls here allowed to sleep with their boyfriends at home. As a society we may be exploiting our young girls in a more covert way.

excellent points and I agree. I think our children inbthe UK are becoming sexualised at too young an age and agree about the child bride thing.

I lived at home till 21 and my bf (now DH) never slept in my room with me. I'm alive, fell pregnant much later by choice and refrained from going hell for leather on a park bench, but let's say we weren't celebate by any means. There will be no hanky panky under my roof, my husband would never settle ??

As I have said earlier, lets not forget it is also against the law at 14!

I went to a mixed state comprehensive and the vast majority of my peers were not having sex at 14.

I have a fof who is going through nightmares at the moment because her ds's girlfriend's parents are not putting firm boundaries in place (re. sleeping over etc) and she wants to. So both sets of parents are not singing from the same hymn sheet, and it is causing a lot of tension with her son.

Interesting that people posting 'my DC aren't having sex' are met with 'ha, that's what you think!' yet other posters have said 'all my classmates had had sex / it was the norm for the majority' without getting the reply 'hmm, so THEY said'. Why assume lies will be told about not doing it, but not the other way around? Actually SirChen is the only poster I've seen who's asked that question.

because are more likely to tell their friends than their parents!

My mother was of the opinion that if I was determined to be sexually active, she wanted me to be safe (use contraceptives) and she wanted it to be somewhere safe. I grew up in the army, so I guess I could see her point when the alternative was going to blocks of young soldiers, all of us rather drunk and disorderly.

Of course I didn't listen and got sexually assaulted by someone other than my boyfriend.

But I'll always remember that she was very open to discussing things and helping me to work my way through becoming sexually active. Even before I was sixteen, although I chose to wait personally. Even when she wasn't happy with my choices, she supported me and helped me to make sure I was relatively safe.

I still remember her tampon tutorial as well (simulated), still use her method.

Teenagers of 14 and 15 have been having sex since time immemorial, across all cultures and eras. Sometimes it's been culturally and socially acceptable, sometimes it hasn't. Sometimes it's been illegal, sometimes it hasn't.

Unfortunately the perfectly normal, biological urge for sex is not something that is flicked on like light switch the day we turn 16. I understand the need for an age of consent and there will be plenty of kids who aren't having sex under 16, but if they're not, I doubt very much that the main reason it's because it's not yet legal.

Assuming the young people in question have been through puberty, wanting sex is not something that is 'wrong' one day and 'right' the next, based on your exact age. There is no easy, definitive or straightforward answer to that. some people are ready to cope with sex at 14 while others still won't be ready at 20. It depends entirely on the young person in question and the relationship they are in. Plenty of teenagers will rush to have sex for all the wrong reasons and do things that will damage their self esteem in the process, but plenty won't and will have perfectly healthy, happy, mutually respectful sexual experiences with no angst attached, and no pregnancy.

I think there are some very, very naive people on this thread who really have no clue about what their own children are doing, or are likely to be doing in a few years time.

Why assume lies will be told about not doing it, but not the other way around?

Of course some teens are lying about having/ having had sex - but that has little impact for the individual, I suppose does mean peer pressure gets worse for others.

However, when the lies are about not having sex - well the impact can be pretty big - at my secondary school (late 90s) there were quite a few schoolgirl mums (15-16) and I'm pretty sure their parents thought they weren't having sex.

So all those who are against allowing sex at 14 are a) naive and have no clue what goes on in their children's lives and b) totally stuck up and won't talk about sex, relationships and contraception with their children...

Back - not naive in the slightest.

emkana that's not what I said, is it? But frankly if you think you will have the luxury of either 'allowing' or 'not allowing' your under 16 teenager to have sex when they want to, and that that alone will determine whether they do or not, then you are being naive.

No-one has claimed that Back - but there are plenty of parents who take the easy option by not saying no or by not having boundaries in place. There will always be a tiny minority of young teens who will do it anyway - but in my experience of parenting teens, there are a larger number who parent by shrugging their shoulders and facilitate their teens to have under age sex, thereby allowing it.

My dd's care about my opinion and approval...

For now at least

emkana how old are your DDs?

I bet they are still little aren't they? How you think you will be with your teenagers and how you think they will be with you, and the reality once you get there are often two very different things.

They are very nearly 14 and 11.5

A lot of kids started having sex at my school at 15-16.

When my daughter is 16, I may allow her boyfriend to stay the odd night.

14? No way, too young and illegal. If she's so desperate she can go and do it on a park bench, not in my house.

Whilst, as a pp has said, younger teenagers have always had sex, sanctioned or not, historically most of that would have been exploitative. In part because many girls 100 years ago didn't start their periods until 16 or 17, so were physically not sexually mature, and also due to the enormous stigma of unmarried pregnancy, and the fear of that. The social acceptance of unmarried mothers is a very recent thing. And a good thing obviously. But easily available contraception has taken away the one thing that girls who didn't feel ready for sex could present as a reason for not having it, if under pressure from partners.
Sex always comes with a risk of pregnancy, sometimes with other risks added, in that for certain adults getting pregnant would be a disaster, or physically dangerous, and both these things are true for younger teenage girls. And that is aside from the risks of STIs. As an adult, one can assess these risks, and decide for oneself if they are worth taking, Adults can prepare themselves for whatever course of action they might choose to take if they did get pregnant. But a young teenager is not emotionally or intellectually mature enough to assess the risks involved or to take full responsibility if something happens. A pregnant 14 or 15 year old will be helped by their parents, like the child that they are. I believe absolutely that if you are too young to cope in an adult way with an unplanned pregnancy or an STI, then you are too young to be having sex. And I believed that as a teenager too. Young girls need protecting from a society that seems to want to shove them into sexual relationships only a few years out of primary school. They need the freedom to learn and mature without all the added pressure of being sexually attractive and active. I had the advantage of being at an all girls school, while also having a good relationship with my older brother. So boys were not a mystery, and I could go to school and not ever have to think about what I looked like, or any of the machinations of dating. I was honestly grateful for that at 16. It was hard enough growing up and finding my place in the world without any added pressure. I really worry about the pressures my dds will face in only a few years.