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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that putting your 14yo on the pill and letting her sleep with her boyfriend at home is just bloody WRONG?

315 replies

macmonkey · 15/03/2015 12:44

An (I thought) otherwise reasonable Mum has not only encouraged her 14yo to have sex with her boyfriend of several months but has the boy staying practically every weekend and lets them sleep together. I honestly believe she thinks it's the way to 'keep' a boyfriend. The first time she sent the girl to sleep with bf was when all the girls were over for a sleepover. What kind of message does that send to them? Not to mention the younger siblings, also in the house. So when her DS gets to 14 and brings a girl home, will she let them start shagging under her roof too? Or will she discuss it first with girl's parents, maybe? FFS. I'm practically speechless.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/03/2015 13:24

Isn't that commissioming a sexual activity with a child? Any lawyers here??

butterfly2015 · 15/03/2015 13:25

At 14 I was discouraging my dd from having boyfriends and suggesting she concentrates on friends, school and activities. She's 16 now and still not had a boyfriend although she did tell me yesterday about a lad she likes, he likes her but they go to different schools and both have manic work and activity schedules so the logistics of finding time to see each other couldn't work.

Why would anyone want to encourage or condone their 14 year olds having sex? My oldest sd had sex at this age and massively regrets it and wishes she'd held off.

At 14 they are not mature enough to deal with the emotional side, the potential name calling from school friends and really should be told that they should be concentrating on school and hanging out with their mates.

I would not tolerate any child of ours having sex in our home. It might seem old fashioned or intolerant but I think it's wrong. Oldest sd refused to move in with us at 16 because her demands for a double bed, a lockable door and the freedom to have boys overnight was refused.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/03/2015 13:35

Well encouraging your underage children to have sex is of course beyond wrong.

But if her dd is already sexually active then surely supporting her in ensuring she know s about contraception options and allowing it to happen in a safe clean place rather than bunking off fourth period and shagging in the woods nearby is a better option?

you really need to clarify.

This is every parents nightmare isn't on? whatever choice you make its going to open a lorry load of worm cans. denial is not going to help anyone. ultimately ensuring your child's safety has to be top concern.

wearing · 15/03/2015 13:40

I would hope that my dd did not have the "will" at 14 and therefore way not looking for the "way".

I absolutely know my 14yo wouldn't be having sex, because firstly we have an open relationship where we talk about things, secondly I have instilled in her a respect for her own body, and thirdly she is never, ever, somewhere without my knowing where she is and what she is doing.

I find this hands up, shoulders shrugged and "what can you do?" approach baffling. There's a lot you can do, you're the parent!

SharkCat · 15/03/2015 13:44

thats disgusting, i wasnt allowed boys in my house till i was 18 and i will be the same with my kids.
She will probably be having a baby soon

soverylucky · 15/03/2015 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BallsToThat · 15/03/2015 13:49

To imagine you can control every moment of your 14 year olds life is naive at best. You may well be strict, you may well have an open and honest relationship with your DD...but teenagers dont tell their mothers everything! Thats part of growing into a young adult.

The point is, if a girl is already sexually active, 'banning' any further sexual activity isnt going to work out well. I am absolutely NOT condoning under age sex, but if it is already happening, alongside conversations encouraging deeper thought about it and possibly abstaining, you also have to get practical.

I went to an outstanding school with lovely, middle class, cossetted girls. Every single one of us lost our virginity before the age of 16. Some were having sex at parties or gatherings in the bedroom of other friends houses, some in the back of a car or at an older boyfriends house (when their parents thought they were elsewhere). I happened to do it at home, and safely.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 15/03/2015 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue · 15/03/2015 13:51

i wasnt allowed boys in my house till i was 18 and i will be the same with my kids.

Thats not normal and not healthy.

soverylucky · 15/03/2015 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pipbin · 15/03/2015 13:56

i wasnt allowed boys in my house till i was 18 and i will be the same with my kids.

Thats not normal and not healthy.

Exactly. I'm not for a second condoning 14 year olds having sex, and I would hope that every parent has an open and honest conversation with their children about sex. However, banning your children from going to a boys house just turns them into a forbidden fruit.

Floggingmolly · 15/03/2015 13:57

Not normal or healthy??????

Amummyatlast · 15/03/2015 13:57

When I was a teenager, one of my friends used to shag her boyfriend in the local park. Her mum and dad would have been horrified - they were fairly religious, had strong moral values, blah blah blah. It still happened.

When my DD grows up, I hope to have an open and honest relationship with her and if she confides in me that she is sexually active I will do my best to ensure she is as safe as possible.

wearing · 15/03/2015 13:58

Balls what you and others seem to be saying, is

"let's just leave this stable door here wide open.

Oh look, the horse has bolted!

Oh well there's no point shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted, is there?"

It's depressing, and enabling.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 15/03/2015 13:58

of the girls I knew who got pg while still at school -

one was a "good catholic girl, never had a bf" in the eyes of her parents who drove her to and from her catholic girls' school. she got upduffed by a waiter on holiday with them in turkey, sneaking out of her room to meet him while they were asleep.

another was a typcial quiet studious type, who would lie about meeting a friend at the library to revise, and her strict jewish parents beleived her for years

what I'm saying is, those of you saying you know exactly what is/is not going on in your DDs lives - are you absolutely sure or have you just assumed they know how you feel/wouldn't dare/share your moral standards?

the ones who could be open with their parents and fear no embarrassment, disapproval etc, get helped to use contraception etc, were allowed to have bfs stay over, they were NOT the ones getting pg

GraysAnalogy · 15/03/2015 13:59

There's a few things you're going to have to clear up here!

She 'sent her'??

If my daughter was having sex I know putting a ban on it would be fruitless. I would allow her to have the pill and I'd make sure condoms were available. It would still break my heart but I'd want to keep her safe.

And about the having sex in their house, well it's a damn sight safer then outside in bushes and parks or random peoples houses at parties like me and my friends did when we were young.

GraysAnalogy · 15/03/2015 14:00

yes I DO know that

Of course you do. Just like my mum did Wink

poshfrock · 15/03/2015 14:04

One of my 15 year old friends at school regularly had sex under a railway bridge with her boyfriend during the lunch break. This was a strict all girls private school. He was from the strict all boys private school next door. She was also brought up a Catholic with very religious parents. But they still found a way.

SurlyCue · 15/03/2015 14:06

Of course it isnt normal or healthy to ban an entire gender from your home! How on earth can you expect your child to develop healthy relationships with men if they arent allowed to form friendships with those men as children? You completely alienate your DD from boys/men by creating such huge barrier. Boys and girls learn how best to have good relationships when they are taught from early on how to get along and how to treat each other.

Fwiw i didnt lose my virginity in my house Wink

soverylucky · 15/03/2015 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poshfrock · 15/03/2015 14:08

And my lovely Jewish friend from strict religious background used to steal the morning after pill from her Dad's surgery (private doctor with surgery at home ). She used to give it put to girls "in need" at school. Including Catholic girl mentioned in previous post.

Pipbin · 15/03/2015 14:21

i wasnt allowed boys in my house till i was 18 and i will be the same with my kids.

What if the boys in question are gay? Or what if your daughter is gay?

SurlyCue · 15/03/2015 14:42

I take it that poster doesnt have or intend to have sons either. Or perhaps their friends will only be allowed to visit when the daughters are out.

Floggingmolly · 15/03/2015 14:44

I took it that "in my house" meant overnights...

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/03/2015 14:52

Did the OP just light the touchpaper and run?

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