to think that putting your 14yo on the pill and letting her sleep with her boyfriend at home is just bloody WRONG?

[macmonkey]

An (I thought) otherwise reasonable Mum has not only encouraged her 14yo to have sex with her boyfriend of several months but has the boy staying practically every weekend and lets them sleep together. I honestly believe she thinks it's the way to 'keep' a boyfriend. The first time she sent the girl to sleep with bf was when all the girls were over for a sleepover. What kind of message does that send to them? Not to mention the younger siblings, also in the house. So when her DS gets to 14 and brings a girl home, will she let them start shagging under her roof too? Or will she discuss it first with girl's parents, maybe? FFS. I'm practically speechless.

Since when does not being happy that your 14yo is having sex and not wanting your 14yo to be having sex equate to having the sort of household where sex is taboo and there is no open and frank discussion?

Projecting much?

I can be perfectly open with my 14yo about sex, relationships, bodies, the works. Doesn't mean I'll be condoning her having sex!

Nobody wants their 14 yo dd to be having sex, but I know that at 14 I would have had sex if I had wanted to regardless of what my parents had said to me.

YANBU but if the dc are determined enough, they will be sexually active anyway. I take my toddler to the local play park (located near a local secondary school) at around 12ish during the week and on different days, we have met different teenager couples coming out of there, with girls adjusting their skirts/clothes. I'm sure their parents probably think they are in school and under the supervision of teachers/adults at the time.

yabu.... it not nice to think of a 14 year old having sex. but i would much rather my daughter/son were doing it somewhere safe and not insome park somewhere. i would also rather she on the pill using protection. than he come home and tell me shes pregnant because i would not allow it under my roof....

also at this age they can go to clinics and get the pill condoms ect and the clinics/docs wont tell the parents anyway. i would much rather my teen could speak to me

Totally agree wearing. I talk to my dd very openly about sex, drugs and alcohol, but make it clear that I strongly disapprove of all of them.

I would also question the assumption that teenagers can just bunk off school to go and have sex. Registers are taken in every lesson and any discrepancy should be followed up immediately - i is at my dd's school!

When I was young (about a decade ago!) I had friend one friend who lost her virginity aged 12. Her mother also had the attitude well, might as well happen under my room because I can't stop her leaving the house.

Another few aged 14; one told anyone who would listen that it was 'shit' and the boy had a small penis; another got pregnant and had to leave and another seemed happy enough shagging him to marry him 7 years later.

Most were aged 15, a few more 16, I myself was 17 and a few more waited longer and I have one who is now mid-20's and I'm pretty sure is still a virgin.

Obviously times have moved on and everyone's situation was different, but personally I had had 'offers' ever since I was 13. I was (secretly) so grateful that I had a horrible, unreasonable mum who made me come home at a certain time. I couldn't admit to not wanting to have sex or that I was scared or not ready, that would have been so uncool and social suicide. Instead, my bitch mother was spoiling all my fun and oh look I'd love to see where this will lead but I have to go home right now, she's calling me on my mobile which she only bought me to keep tabs on me UUUUUUUUUUURGH.

That's a long way of saying that sometimes children/teens rely on having strong parental boundaries to get out of peer pressure because everyone knows that parents are so UNFAIR.

As I look back on my teenage years I feel sick thinking about how close I came to being pressured or exploited, and all the things that could have happened if my mum didn't call me at 7.50pm to remind me that I had to be home at 8pm SHARP.

If I'm honest, I shouldn't have had sex at 17 either. I didn't like the boy, but I felt left out and time was ticking.

ahh this thread...

Of course it's wrong. But you won't hear that on here. Just lots of flannel about what a positive step it is for your 14 year old DD to be mature enough to get contraception and be having a stable relatuonship ffs.

I didn't grow up in a world where 14 year olds had sex with each other. Neither did my husband. Our DD is in her early teens and she isn't growing up in an environment where 14 year olds routinely have sex either. Thank God.

She attends a single sex school. If she spends time with friends I drop her off at their home and collect her. Adults are always around. Boys are glimpsed from a distance and some very limited interaction with the friends of her male cousins. Again adults are always only a room away.

I am pretty confident that she won't be having sex in alleyways or anywhere else for the foreseeable future. She has the rest of her life in which to have sex. She only has a very brief time of being on the verge of adolescence and enjoying it. She certainly doesn't need to complicate this lovely time of her life with a sexual relationship for godsake.

roof, not room!

emkana same at my DD's school. Bunking off just doesn't happen. A quick register taken at start of each lesson. DD can only catch the one bus home and she has to hurry out of school to catch it.

It's a ridiculous situation on Mumsnet where you have to justify how it is that you are certain your 13/14 year old DD isn't getting shagged on a weekly basis behind Morrison's on her lunch break (our DD isn't allowed to leave school grounds during lunch anyway).

Just ridiculous and only seems to happen on Mumsnet.

It's a pity young girls don't realise just how grim teenage boys are. I don't see what is attractive about them at all. Almost every one I see in the street has their hand down their pants. WTF is that all about?

Sex is almost always crap at that age too. Pity girls of that age haven't got a clue what's good and what's bad....

Many (not all, but certainly many) of the girls who are sleeping with their BFs at that age are just crying out for a bit of attention, equating sex with love. It's very sad. The grimness of the spotty youths is easily overlooked when you're so lacking in self esteem.

I wouldn't dream of 'putting' any of my DCs on the pill because contraception is their decision. However, if any of them wanted help accessing contraceptive advice, I would help them. And if any of them wanted a BF / GF to stay overnight, i would welcome them. To do anything else would be to risk them getting into a situation they couldn't handle and having nobody they could ask for help.

SharkCat you seem short tempered.

Have you had issues around parenting teens?

Bad day perhaps?

curly being a slag with no respect for yourself isnt healthy.

Which is the natural consequence of boys being in your house before you are 18
you are of course being ridiculous and horribly mysoginistic using a term like 'slag' to describe teenage girls.

Yet my sexual partners are under 5

You seem to have mistakenly attributed some sort of morality to the number of sexual partners a woman has.

i never had a child out of wedlock

Again, mistaken sense of morality here.

i dont sleep with other womens husbands/boyfriends

not at all sure what relation this bears to having boys in your house before you were 18. I'd be amazed if there was any connection other than the imaginary one you have in your head.

ive only been pregnant once

Which makes you a saint? oh no that's right it doesnt! Because there is nothing wrong with having more than one pregnancy.

Dont ever try insult my mothers or my parenting skills you absolute scum.

youre lovely. I see your mother raised you well with such a lovely, mature, attitude.

im 25 so no i don't have a teen and I'm not bad tempered, i find it rude some idiots suggested my mother "wasn't normal, unhealthy and ridiculous" because we had rules.

Lol at the idea that only ever having had one pregnancy makes you some kind of saint

We would not have let our daughter and a boyfriend sleep together at 14 in our house. One of her friends did have a (grim teenage spotty oik) boyfirend without whom she slept at her parents house with their consent. My daughter(and other friends) was actually quite horrified at this! (she could never understand what her friend saw in this boy anyway!)

Now, I don't know if my dd went off in to bus shelter, alleyways, or fields, but I very much doubt it.

Maybe you need to step away from the thread Shark, you seem to be taking it all rather personally.

Encouraging/ forcing a child under 16 to have sex is illegal and a CP issue. (Obv forcing anyone for sex is illegal)

SS won't be interested in a case of a 14yo having sex, and the parents ensuring its safe as long as it is proved they are both consenting equally.

Wow!

Are you a 14 year old boy who is being denied sex with his 14 year old girlfriend?

Because the only people I know who speak like that are 14

I've not disappeared, just been out all day. I posted because although I was personally v shocked, I genuinely wanted to know what the consensus was, in case I was way out of line, because my DD is a friend of the girl. Of course it's not 'ideal', and of course I know that some kids will do it at 14 whether or not the parents talk it through or not. And no, I wasn't actually there at the time, but this is how it was recounted to me by a friend whose DD was. Thanks for all your responses. Loads of interesting stuff to think about. Appreciate it.