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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that putting your 14yo on the pill and letting her sleep with her boyfriend at home is just bloody WRONG?

315 replies

macmonkey · 15/03/2015 12:44

An (I thought) otherwise reasonable Mum has not only encouraged her 14yo to have sex with her boyfriend of several months but has the boy staying practically every weekend and lets them sleep together. I honestly believe she thinks it's the way to 'keep' a boyfriend. The first time she sent the girl to sleep with bf was when all the girls were over for a sleepover. What kind of message does that send to them? Not to mention the younger siblings, also in the house. So when her DS gets to 14 and brings a girl home, will she let them start shagging under her roof too? Or will she discuss it first with girl's parents, maybe? FFS. I'm practically speechless.

OP posts:
SharkCat · 15/03/2015 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SurlyCue · 15/03/2015 20:39

Shark i think you're being incredibly immature and at risk of having yourself banned if you continue to attack people and threaten them here. I doubt you will listen but your 13 year old outbursts wont be tolerated here. This isnt facebook. This is a discussion forum and if you cant cope with opposing viewpoints then you should leave.

wearing · 15/03/2015 20:39
wearing · 15/03/2015 20:41

Shark is a new poster.

Yawn off, troll.

SharkCat · 15/03/2015 20:41

nobody cares what you think surly, you are irrelevant

SharkCat · 15/03/2015 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

emkana · 15/03/2015 20:44

Shame the thread is being derailed, it's an interesting discussion

Original poster
macmonkey · 15/03/2015 20:46

Strewth. Such venom and vitriol. Of course I'd rather my DD wasn't driven to be shagging up alleys or in fields. But frankly, I'd really rather she wasn't shagging at all for a while. And I'll do whatever I can to facilitate that. Right now, at 15, without a bf or opportunity I'm reasonably confident that that's not an issue for her. But it is the kind of question that keeps me awake at nights.

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 15/03/2015 20:47

SharkCat

Having sex at 16 is legal. And normal. And fine.

Banning the opposite sex til 18 is a bit odd, entering the world as an adult with no idea about half the human race, having had them 'banned' for your whole life is not healthy.

Having a sexual relationship at 14/15/16/17 does not make you scum. Waiting till you're 18 does not make you special.

SurlyCue · 15/03/2015 20:50

Right now, at 15, without a bf or opportunity I'm reasonably confident that that's not an issue for her. But it is the kind of question that keeps me awake at nights.

The obvious answer would be to talk to her! Find out and put your mind at rest either way. If she isnt, all good, if she is well then get in there quick about contraception and stds, support etc. dont stay awake fretting about it when you could talk to her and find out what is going on.

wearing · 15/03/2015 20:52

Sound advice Surly Smile

TombraiderLeah · 15/03/2015 21:05

Laughing at the fact that because someones a new user they are a 'troll'
How long do you have to be here to be considered a 'non troll' Hmm

Anyway......
I was on the pill from 13-14 because i have anemia and it helped i didnt have sex until 15 (nearly 16) Had my first proper boyfriend at 13-14 only kissed, He didnt even touch me, he was so nice Smile
But i dont agree with your mate letting her daughter have sex in the house, What if she hears!
I remember one time my mum heard me i was soooooo embarrassed i wanted to die!

wearing · 15/03/2015 21:10

It's not the being new that makes you look like a troll. It's the uncalled for and immature name calling.

HTH.

ClashCityRocker · 15/03/2015 21:14

If a bunch of supposedly mature adults can't discuss it without resorting to some of the comments here, it's no wonder teens aren't listening.

Fwiw, no, sex at fourteen isn't a good thing. However, if a 14 year old is going to have sex regardless, it is better that they can be open and honest about it and contraception can be sorted. I wouldn't be normalising it by having the boyfriend stop over though - that seems a step to far.

And I think some of you are slightly deluded. My mum is still convinced I lost my virginity at nineteen, when in reality I'd been sexually active for five years previously - gotta love youth club discos.

Tbh, most of my friends who had close, open relationships with their mothers chose not divulge the details of their sex lives to them. Funny that.

ClashCityRocker · 15/03/2015 21:18

And tbh I think 25 percent of teens having sex under sixteen is quite a large proportion.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 15/03/2015 21:23

As others have said, the key is in the details, ie did the mum encourage the girl to have sex etc. I fell (genuinely) in love at 14, went with my mum to the GP to go on the pill, had a healthy normal sexual relationship in my own house and at his, both of us communicating openly and honestly with our parents throughout. I'm 35 now and look back at it as a happy, trusting time of safe exploration. 14 was young, but I was physically and emotionally ready.

landrover · 15/03/2015 21:34

Bizarre that anybody thinks a 14 year old is ready for sex! We should all be teaching our children that it is against the law!! (the irony is, how many of you insist that your kids wear seat belts? but, hey underage sex is ok but not legal!) I never had all these "hormones" ready to make me have sex, truly bizarre thinking!

SirChenjin · 15/03/2015 21:36

You might have been ready at 14 - but that's far from the norm. The 14 year olds who are 'doing it' in my teens years (and in my year at school many moons ago) are the ones who are usually crying out for a bit of love and attention from very hand-off parents.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/03/2015 21:45

Salted I think your mum did the right think and I think it's really good you felt you could discuss it with her.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/03/2015 21:48

Unlike not wearing seat belts safe sex can't kill you. I think most have people have they'd talk about the law and not being pressured.

Pipbin · 15/03/2015 21:50

my DD is a friend of the girl

So this is what your DD has told you that the girl in question has said? Is there a chance that she was making this up?

Bizarre that anybody thinks a 14 year old is ready for sex

I don't think anyone says that a 14 year old is ready for sex but that teenagers being what they are they might well get up to it.

ClashCityRocker · 15/03/2015 21:51

But it's not about being ready at fourteen. I wasn't ready at fourteen, I still went ahead and bloody did it. As did many others, from a variety of backgrounds. it certainly wasn't just the kids with dubious parents.

I don't think kids should be having sex at fourteen - and would actively discourage it for the reason that they are unlikely to be emotionally ready at fourteen - but I think in the case where a fourteen year old is adamant they want to have sex - and wanting sex is no indication of readiness or otherwise - then steps need to be taken to ensure they have adequate protection, locking them away and denying its going to happen is a recipe for disaster, I think.

SirChenjin · 15/03/2015 21:55

No, it's not always the ones with dubious parents - but the majority of very young teens who are having sex have something negative going on in their lives.

ClashCityRocker · 15/03/2015 22:00

You might be right - it doesn't neccessarily match my experience, but for the sake of argument let's agree on that point - but regardless of the reasons why they are engaging in sexual activity under the age of consent, if they are going to do it, surely it's better to protect against pregnancy?

In an ideal world there would be plenty of counselling and relationship education in place, but in reality, once a teenager has made up their mind, misguided as it may be, that they want to have sex, surely ensuring its as safe as possible is the lesser evil?

SirChenjin · 15/03/2015 22:08

Absolutely - I agree with you that contraception should be available. What is sad is that there are so many young kids who require contraception at such a young age because of negative influences or events in their lives.