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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

had a huge falling out with a friend over mothers day :(

215 replies

NobodyLivesHere · 14/03/2015 12:24

I am ready to be told I am being unreasonable, although I cant help how I feel.
Back story- friends mother died just over a year ago after a short illness. They'd had a very good relationship and naturally she misses her a lot.
My own mother and I have a hugely difficult relationship, she has severe mental illness that impacted my childhood and adolesecense a lot, have had periods of years of looking after her and my siblings and since I left home have had long periods of no contact and lots of issues.
So, another friend posts a message on a Facebook group we all use asking what we were getting our mothers for mothers day, my reply was 'fuck all' the friend then posts saying 'you should cherish your mother, however much she gets to you shes the only one you have etc etc' I replied with a message along the lines of I appreciate why you say this, but it's not that easy for all of us and I wouldn't expect her to understand because she was lucky enough to have a good relationship with hers.
She went nuts and said I was horrible and insensitive to say she was lucky, that her mother was dead and that was worse than anything else. I disagreed that it was worse. Then she and a few others said I was a cow.
Was I really so unreasonable or wrong to say what I did? I obviously didn't mean she was 'lucky' her mum died, just that she'd had years of good times to look back on which some dont have. Others said I should have just ignored her initial reply as she is still grieving, but does her grief 'trump' my years of upset and sadness so much that I should just not defend my point of view?

OP posts:
calmexterior · 14/03/2015 12:28

I would have kept quiet.

Silvercatowner · 14/03/2015 12:30

I really don't consider FB to be an appropriate platform for conversations and responses such as that.

Callooh · 14/03/2015 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
NobodyLivesHere · 14/03/2015 12:32

It's the only way in which we all can communicate as a group, we are friends from school but now all live in various places round the globe.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/03/2015 12:32

Exactly what calmexterior said.

You know she recently lost her Mum. You should have just ignored her comment instead of replying to it.

Teeb · 14/03/2015 12:32

Facebook is a dramatic place.

To be honest, it didn't strike me as the kind of post you needed to rain on with negativity to begin with, with the 'fuck all' comment. It was a post for people to bounce ideas around, you didn't have anything nice to say so best to say nothing at all.

Mamafratelli · 14/03/2015 12:33

You shouldn't have replied. Apologise and say you werent trying to minimise her loss but that you have nothing like the relationship she had with her mum. Flowers

soverylucky · 14/03/2015 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 14/03/2015 12:33

Stay away from facebook. It's the work of the devil, I tells ya!

PS your first comment was unnecessary and all this shit just spiralled from there. No is right or wrong. It is because the feeling were aired on fb that all this bollocks happened.

Forget about fb and talk to your friend.

weeblueberry · 14/03/2015 12:33

I'd have said 'appreciate why that's true for you but sadly it's not for me' then left it there and not engaged any further with the conversation.

WorraLiberty · 14/03/2015 12:34

And why were you trying to 'trump' her anyway?

That's a ridiculous notion that one should trump the other.

Original poster
NobodyLivesHere · 14/03/2015 12:34

Callooh, I appreciate that, but so am I spending it missing mine, as I have spent most mothers days missing mine. If I had started the conversation I'd feel more 'at fault', but I think she was fairly insensitive of my situation by saying I should appreciate my mother regardless, particularly as she's well aware of my childhood.

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 14/03/2015 12:35

I think your friend will be feeling incredibly sad and sensitive about her mother. Whatever your own story, entering into a Facebook exchange (God I'm glad I don't FB for exactly these kind of reasons) over how 'lucky' she is, and that it's worse for you just isn't very kind or wise really.

The people who told you to ignore her reply as she is still grieving were dead right.

No one 'trumps' anyone here. This is not one to 'defend your point of view', except privately.

Just let it go and reflect quietly on it, maybe.

WrappedInABlankie · 14/03/2015 12:35

You could of just hid the post Confused

However I agree my 'mothers' a cunt to put it nicely and I understand what you mean I would rather have lost a mother who was in fact a lovely mother than to have some selfish cunt of a person who in suppose to be grateful for Hmm

BigRedBall · 14/03/2015 12:36

You should have ignored the post.

It's a bit like people with babies complaining about the screaming and crying to people finding it hard to conceive or are infertile isn't it? You should try to be a bit tactful when talking to people about things they don't have and desire.

Original poster
NobodyLivesHere · 14/03/2015 12:36

Worra, you misunderstand, I wasn't trying to trump her! I meant others saying her being upset is more important than any upset I feel.
My initial reply was to another friend, not her, just to clarify.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 14/03/2015 12:37

Oh your comment was cruel. :(

If someone had said that to me after my dad died I suspect I would've reacted in a similar way.

Have you apologised yet?

Oldraver · 14/03/2015 12:37

I would of kept quiet

WorraLiberty · 14/03/2015 12:37

I understand it must be difficult for you OP

But there is such a thing as cutting a friend some slack

MehsMum · 14/03/2015 12:38

I would probably have kept my gob shut (both the first comment and then the second one - on the basis that your friend is still feeling raw), but I can see exactly where you're coming from.

My own experience is that the death of a much loved parent leaves less lasting damage than the time you spent being brought up by a crappy one (I had one of each).

For most most people, who have not had the deep joy of being raised by an awful parent, raw grief will be seen as a 'bigger' thing than the lasting fallout you live with as a consequence of poor parenting.

Maybe give it a day or two and then send your friend a text saying you didn't mean to upset her, and you're sorry, but you hate mother's day because it always reminds you of what you never had. If she can't deal with that, even if she is still grieving, then I think she's being a bit one-sided.

And next time something similar crops up on FB, stay quiet.

Original poster
NobodyLivesHere · 14/03/2015 12:38

I'm not saying my upset is more important. It isn't. Her pain is of course valid. I just think mine is equally valid and being told I should appreciate a mother who was appalling to me hurt my feelings.

OP posts:
WerewolfBarMitzvah · 14/03/2015 12:38

I can see where you are both coming from. Trouble is, FB messages don't convey tone, so 'Fuck all' can come over a bit agressive.
I would just leave it now - yes, your point is valid, but she's obviously hurting so ignore and maybe, if she's a good friend, apologise for the sake of the relationship and move on. even though I agree that having a crap mum is super hard

emotionsecho · 14/03/2015 12:39

I don't think you should have responded at all to the 'what are you getting your mother for Mother's Day?' comment, and if you really felt you had to you could have worded it a lot better. You must have known that your 'fuck all' comment would cause a reaction and make you the centre of attention, is that what you wanted?

Original poster
NobodyLivesHere · 14/03/2015 12:40

I said straight away I didn't mean to upset her and I've supported her through the whole thing, taking time off to go stay with her after her mother's death. I don't feel like I should apologise more than that. It's how I feel.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 14/03/2015 12:41

It would have been better to leave the whole conversation alone.

She is talking from her experience and recent bereavement so could not have been receptive to what you were saying at the time.

Text her apologetically and try to fix things.