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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

had a huge falling out with a friend over mothers day :(

215 replies

NobodyLivesHere · 14/03/2015 12:24

I am ready to be told I am being unreasonable, although I cant help how I feel.
Back story- friends mother died just over a year ago after a short illness. They'd had a very good relationship and naturally she misses her a lot.
My own mother and I have a hugely difficult relationship, she has severe mental illness that impacted my childhood and adolesecense a lot, have had periods of years of looking after her and my siblings and since I left home have had long periods of no contact and lots of issues.
So, another friend posts a message on a Facebook group we all use asking what we were getting our mothers for mothers day, my reply was 'fuck all' the friend then posts saying 'you should cherish your mother, however much she gets to you shes the only one you have etc etc' I replied with a message along the lines of I appreciate why you say this, but it's not that easy for all of us and I wouldn't expect her to understand because she was lucky enough to have a good relationship with hers.
She went nuts and said I was horrible and insensitive to say she was lucky, that her mother was dead and that was worse than anything else. I disagreed that it was worse. Then she and a few others said I was a cow.
Was I really so unreasonable or wrong to say what I did? I obviously didn't mean she was 'lucky' her mum died, just that she'd had years of good times to look back on which some dont have. Others said I should have just ignored her initial reply as she is still grieving, but does her grief 'trump' my years of upset and sadness so much that I should just not defend my point of view?

OP posts:
curlyweasel · 14/03/2015 15:24

Op - yanbu. Your feelings and thoughts are just as valid as anyone's. Your grief and loss are just different to your friend's experience of it.

I've still got my mother's ashes to dispose of nearly a year and a half since she died. Not because I can't let them go, but because she was so bloody horrible and joyless, there's no "special" place for her to go. And I'm not going to place her in a place that's special to me. She doesn't deserve it.

This may sound harsh to some, but until you've had that special sort of parent / child relationship with somebody so truly awful, you can't really understand. So please, just accept it as another way of expressing grief and loss.

diddl · 14/03/2015 15:30

Everyone's feelings are valid.

even the friend who first posted the message.

I think that posting "fuck all" was awful tbh.

didldidi · 14/03/2015 15:33

But if it's a private fb group among friends it's not relevant to 'everyone you've ever met'

MargotLovedTom · 14/03/2015 15:36

Pictish well I know that obviously! I just don't think there's a burning need for everyone to know what the others are doing/buying to show their mothers how wonderful and special they are to them on this particular day. It would be insensitive to ask what everyone's children had given them for MD if one of the group had recently suffered the loss of a child/a miscarriage/had a shit relationship with their child who was estranged from them.

That's how I see it anyway.

AGirlCalledBoB · 14/03/2015 15:40

I thought your comment was really insenstive to be honest. You should have just not said anything at all.

Summerisle1 · 14/03/2015 15:44

It has never been compulsory to join any discussions on Facebook. This is an instance where saying absolutely nothing would have been the best course of action all round.

CocobearSqueeze · 14/03/2015 15:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Fauxlivia · 14/03/2015 16:02

Im with the OP on this. If you have loving supportive parents you have a huge advantage in life over those whose parents were shit. You have every right to express your honest feelings to your friends and tbh I think she was barking to make her initial comment to you. She has lost a good mother and of course she will be devastated but it doesn't follow that yours was like hers and that you must feel the same way she does.

If you've been insensitive then so has she.

GahBuggerit · 14/03/2015 16:02

do you still speak to your mum op?

Jessica147 · 14/03/2015 16:05

OP, I don't think you were being unreasonable at all! I really don't get on with my dad (pretty much exactly what you see on the stately homes thread), and would quite ordinarily tell close friends that I was getting him 'fuck all'. A shit parent isn't necessarily better than no parent. Your friend was minimising your pain in order to play the victim, when in reality she was bloody lucky to have an amazing mum even if it was for a short space of time.

If I could swap my alive-but-shit dad for one who was lovely-but-sadly-deceased I'd do it in a heartbeat. Equally, if my wonderful mum died tomorrow I wouldn't swap her for someone who was shit-but-still-alive.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 14/03/2015 16:17

Agree with pictish

Op I dint think YWBU

Joyfulldeathsquad · 14/03/2015 16:17

*dont!

StarOnTheTree · 14/03/2015 16:34

YANBU OP

I miss having a mum and I will always miss having a mum, even though my mum is still alive. I would always be sensitive with a friend who has lost their mum but I wish people would realise that my loss and my grief is no less than theirs, just different.

Your friend understood what you were trying to say but chose to turn it into something different.

Mamus · 14/03/2015 16:59

I hate when people do what your friend is doing. Her loss and pain do not trump yours. She has no idea what it's like to be in your position. This idea that grief gives you license to ignore the realities of other people's lives is pretty awful. She lost a beloved mum and is hurting, but has no right to try and police how you feel about your inadequate parent or to dismiss your very valid feelings.

emotionsecho · 14/03/2015 17:15

As I said earlier, grieving people say and do things and react differently to things than they would otherwise.

There may well be an element of resentment and unfairness in the grieving friends mind of 'why did my lovely mother die and her awful mother is still alive' and hence she reacted as she did, it's not logical but sometimes people aren't logical and see only their own loss.

I did ask the OP how she thinks her friend would have reacted to the comment if her mother was still alive, if the friend would have sympathised then I think it's a good indication that her friend's reaction today is purely down to the grief and a sense of unfairness at her loss.

ClumsyNinja · 14/03/2015 17:43

AliceLidlLovesWindlePoons how incredibly insensitive and childish of your PIL?

It's hard for me to imagine someone getting into a state over not receiving a MD card but to actually telephone to complain after you'd just lost your baby is !!! beyond belief.

Flowers to you for having to have anything to do with them. I hope your own family are kind in comparison.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/03/2015 17:47

diddl

Given the choice is between having a relationship with an abusive parent and not having a relationship with an abusive parent, which would you choose?

It isn't really a choice.

diddl · 14/03/2015 17:56

Well, the question was what are you getting your mums for mothers day. So OP could have not answered.

I do think that the OP made an attention seeking answer, & that her friend made an equally unnecessarily inflammatory response.

base9 · 14/03/2015 18:04

OP gave a brutally honest answer to her friends' question about mother's day gifts. It refllected her history, which they all knew about. If you can't seek attention from your friends over a difficult issue in your life, what's the point of having them?

Original poster
NobodyLivesHere · 14/03/2015 18:14

diddl there was nothing attention seeking in my 'fuck all' it's just the truth, the people in this group are close friends, I am sweary and direct, as are many others in the group. It was a throw away remark in answer to a post, nothing more. I admit that it may have been slightly raining on the fun in how it came across, but I never thought of it or meant it that way at all.
And in reply to your other question, no I won't be buying her a card or anything else. She hasn't acknowledge my birthday, my children's birthdays or anything else in years. When I was in hospital having major surgery she didn't even text to see if I was still alive after. I don't feel bad for not buying her a present.
gah no, we aren't in contact at the moment. The last time she rang me was tell me how badly I let her down when her relationship broke up because I didn't go round every day. Then asked me for money. Which I never saw again.

Thank you for all the replies. I will speak to my friend, I do very much care about how she feels, I suppose the issue is that I feel like that caring isn't reciprocated. I am sensitive to her situation thats why I said she cant be expected to understand mine.
To be clear, I NEVER said that my experience was worse, just that it was 'as bad in its own way'.

OP posts:
Dieu · 14/03/2015 18:15

You were unreasonable with your 'fuck all' comment, but completely reasonable in defending your point of view, which was an understandable one.

diddl · 14/03/2015 18:16

"If you can't seek attention from your friends over a difficult issue in your life, what's the point of having them?"

Well obviously OPs friends think differently, as do I!

what I mean is that if I wanted to talk to someone about something then I would.

but i wouldn't bring up the issue via someone else's question on FB.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/03/2015 18:16

If it had been an open forum, I would agree that the OP's answer was wrong, but it was a closed group for friends, what good is the group if they are not going to cut each other "some slack"?

Joyfulldeathsquad · 14/03/2015 18:21

I don't think it was attention seeking. It was just an honest answer.

I'll be getting my mother the same as she has bought for me for the last 15 years . Fuck all

diddl · 14/03/2015 18:25

X post there.

Well OP, if that's how you usually post then it's obviously a shame that it was taken so badly by everyone.

"And in reply to your other question, no I won't be buying her a card or anything else. She hasn't acknowledge my birthday, my children's birthdays or anything else in years. When I was in hospital having major surgery she didn't even text to see if I was still alive after. I don't feel bad for not buying her a present."

Did I really ask that??