had a huge falling out with a friend over mothers day :(

[NobodyLivesHere]

I am ready to be told I am being unreasonable, although I cant help how I feel.
Back story- friends mother died just over a year ago after a short illness. They'd had a very good relationship and naturally she misses her a lot.
My own mother and I have a hugely difficult relationship, she has severe mental illness that impacted my childhood and adolesecense a lot, have had periods of years of looking after her and my siblings and since I left home have had long periods of no contact and lots of issues.
So, another friend posts a message on a Facebook group we all use asking what we were getting our mothers for mothers day, my reply was 'fuck all' the friend then posts saying 'you should cherish your mother, however much she gets to you shes the only one you have etc etc' I replied with a message along the lines of I appreciate why you say this, but it's not that easy for all of us and I wouldn't expect her to understand because she was lucky enough to have a good relationship with hers.
She went nuts and said I was horrible and insensitive to say she was lucky, that her mother was dead and that was worse than anything else. I disagreed that it was worse. Then she and a few others said I was a cow.
Was I really so unreasonable or wrong to say what I did? I obviously didn't mean she was 'lucky' her mum died, just that she'd had years of good times to look back on which some dont have. Others said I should have just ignored her initial reply as she is still grieving, but does her grief 'trump' my years of upset and sadness so much that I should just not defend my point of view?

Her mum died over a year ago. (That's just a clarification not a point of how long she should grieve for).
She said that it was worse for her as her mum is dead, I simply responded that I dont believe that to be true, it's just a very different kind of grief. I'm not at all unsympathetic to her loss. I get it, her mum was amazing, she was lovely to me too. But I feel like her reply to a comment that wasn't to her to begin with completely minimised years of abuse/crazy behaviour. My first mothers after I had a dc was spent in a&e after going to visit my mother with my new baby to find her in a puddle of blood where she had cut her wrists. I think she should cut me some slack too.
I already said I wasn't meaning to upset her. I will take a few days to think on things, but at this point I dont feel like I'm the only one who should be apologising.

I don't think you did anything wrong. Your original comment was not directed at her and your response to her comment to you was reasonable given your circumstances. I can see that she is still grieving but that doesn't mean she is entitled to criticise your reaction to mother's day, which is based entirely on your own experience.

Emotions echo- it isn't her first without her mother, and I did not mention a word about my pain at all until I was told to be grateful for it.

:::cringe::: for you op. shes recently lost her mother, of course seeing a post like that will push her buttons. let her calm down and just say you didnt mean to upset her and graciously leave it at that.

People do and say and react to things differently when they are grieving than they would normally, that's why I think you should cut her some slack. How do you think she would have responded to your comment if her mother was still alive?

Ok, my apologies I thought it was the first Mother's Day since her mother died.

But there is such a thing as cutting a friend some slack

Yes. And if that slack-cutting doesn't go both ways, it's not, perhaps, much of s friendship.

OP, I agree with others that the first comment was probably not a great idea, but it's done. You and your friend are both hurting, but in your place, I'd probably make contact with her to try and smooth things over. You know her, so you'll know best if it's worth doing, and how to go about it.

Sorry you've have such a tough time with your DM - if it's any consolation, you've reminded me that as although I her frustrating sometimes, I've been very lucky with mine.

Be kind to yourself tomorrow.

Your "fuck all" has nothing to do with your friend's post, her response, or what has happened since. To pit both of your actions against each other in order to justify what you wrote is to remove the idea of 'compassion' from your relationship. Your compassion does not need to be dependent on hers; that's not how it works - though it amazes me how many adults believe and act as if it does.

You can only take responsibility for your initial post, and then how you have chosen to speak, feel and act afterwards. And I do believe your initial post was insensitive.

"I think your original "fuck all" was ill judged and goady to everyone - not just the friend who lost her mum."

I agree. Why did you even need to say anything if the others know your situation and therefore, would realise you weren't getting your 'mother' anything? My friends and I have a whatsapp group, sometimes people ask questions that don't apply to me, I don't have to reply to everything.

That's such a shame.
She should have ignored your "fuck all" comment, as she knew about your relationship with your mother, not started some holy crusade to sanctify your mother just because you still have her.
You probably should have left well alone and deleted your initial comment instead of getting sucked further in but I can see why you didn't.

I think it's also a shame that the rest of your friends have also been drawn into this - and if I were you I'd apologise for posting on that thread in the first place. Not for the rest - but it can't be denied that your initial post sparked the controversial follow-on.

I can't be doing with the whole "well at least you still have a mother" nonsense - my own mum died 7 years ago, but I would never allow that circumstance to colour my views on someone's feelings towards their own mother being a bitch to them. My mum being dead is simply not relevant to their ongoing pain with their mother.

Hope you can find a way to resolve it.

Your Fuck all was your response. People can either like it or not. You were asked, should you have posted? Maybe not, but if you ask a question expect answers.

Her you should cherish your mother, however much she gets to you shes the only one you have etc etc' is insensitive IMO. She doesn't know how you feel and every relationship is different.

You said I appreciate why you say this, but it's not that easy for all of us and I wouldn't expect her to understand because she was lucky enough to have a good relationship with hers. What was so wrong with what you said? You didn't say anything wrong! She overeacted because she understood you to be saying that she was lucky her mum was dead. Misunderstanding, and at this point it would have been a good idea to clear up that. BUT

Then she said that her mother was dead and that was worse than anything else this is true, she's got the wrong idea about what you said. I disagreed that it was worse you shouldn't have done this, it is not true.

That's my take on it.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother.

I also lost my mother aged 15.

I'm afraid I find it very difficult to understand why anybody would do something outlined in the OP.

It is hard on Mother's Day (and Father's Day - my dad died 3 years ago) when others are putting up pictures of them with their parents and you want to 'acknowledge' them in some way. OP, that was what your friend was trying to do and however unintentionally you kicked at it and turned it into a post about you.

Out of order, and I think an apology is called for.

I don't think you were in the wrong actually. At the risk of sounding like I'm five, she's the one who started it. You don't need to put up with anyone trying to invalidate your own feelings about your own personal life experiences.

My dad's dead, but that doesn't make my friend's dad less of an arsehole.

Actually, I think it's your friend who is being unreasonable. She knows your background and she's the one who should have ignored your comment to another friend. Just because she's grieving doesn't mean she can dish out verbal abuse like that. I lost my mother in a hideous way within days of my baby's birth. She was killed by a drunk driver and it is still raw many years later but I don't see that my grief trumps someone else's hideous unbringing.

Your FA response was crass and rather rude to what was your friends post about how she feels. If you needed to express yourself (decently) you could have messages her privately. You need to apologise to her.

It's better to have lived and lost, than never to have loved at all. That's what the OP is saying and she is quite right. I've got a crap dad, and my friend, whose dad died some years ago, who got the better deal.

You can not pretend your Mother is something she is not just to appease your friend, but you do need to cut her some slack. I lost my Mum a few years ago, but for some strange reason when my friend starts attacking her Mum I feel angry and it is painful for me to even listen. I do manage to get a grip and put it into perspective and realise she has every cause to complain because this woman is a nasty piece of work and very different from the lovely, caring woman I was privaledged to call Mum. Your friend will over time come to accept, that the word Mum conjures up many different relationships for different people. Grief is an unpredictable emotion that strikes so unexpectedly and makes you so sensitive and sometimes irrational. I like the idea of the text further up the thread.

knows who got the better deal.

MRC -

OP I think you were both a bit U. She lost a lovely mum and is grieving; you never had a lovely mum and are grieving.

I'm NC with my father (over 20 years) and never do father's Day (not the same as Mother's day I know) and would be extremely annoyed/furious to be told I should 'treasure' him while he's alive.

I agree with MehsMum too

I speak as someone who lost their mum relatively early and whose DH has, at best, rather dismal relationship with their own mother.

With our troubles over the years, I have often had to deal with people suggesting I 'cherish' my MIL. I find that an insult in itself, more so if it's come from people who know your background.

You won't ever win the argument OP, people who have had wonderful parents will rarely grasp how crap it is to have shit ones. I was lucky to have my mum, she was awesome and I would never trade my 26 years with her for a lifetime with someone like my DH's mother. That is the truth of it, but my mum died many years ago and I wouldn't have counted myself lucky a year after her death.

If you want to keep the friendship, you need to apologise and accept that she's not the person to talk to about your own mother anymore.

FWIW I think if you'd posted this in relationships you'd have had more sympathetic replies.

Sorry that your childhood was crap but to respond with 'Fuck All' would have put my back up too.Some things are best left unsaid.

You shouldn't have said anything. I have a hugely difficult relationship with my mum, my best friend had a lovely one with hers but she died 4 years ago. I always take care not to moan/speak negatively of my mum to her because I feel it's insensitive. It's hard for her, it's hard for you, there's no reason to play top trumps over it.

There seems to be a lack of understanding on both sides. She was saying that any mother is better than no mother and you said not if it's my mother - is that the gist of it? I would leave it a day and get in touch to clarify that you didn't mean to cause any upset, she must be feeling really sensitive just now.

Just to be clear, the thread on FB was started by a different mutual friend of both the OP and the bereaved friend, not by the bereaved friend. I think that makes a difference.