had a huge falling out with a friend over mothers day :(

[NobodyLivesHere]

I am ready to be told I am being unreasonable, although I cant help how I feel.
Back story- friends mother died just over a year ago after a short illness. They'd had a very good relationship and naturally she misses her a lot.
My own mother and I have a hugely difficult relationship, she has severe mental illness that impacted my childhood and adolesecense a lot, have had periods of years of looking after her and my siblings and since I left home have had long periods of no contact and lots of issues.
So, another friend posts a message on a Facebook group we all use asking what we were getting our mothers for mothers day, my reply was 'fuck all' the friend then posts saying 'you should cherish your mother, however much she gets to you shes the only one you have etc etc' I replied with a message along the lines of I appreciate why you say this, but it's not that easy for all of us and I wouldn't expect her to understand because she was lucky enough to have a good relationship with hers.
She went nuts and said I was horrible and insensitive to say she was lucky, that her mother was dead and that was worse than anything else. I disagreed that it was worse. Then she and a few others said I was a cow.
Was I really so unreasonable or wrong to say what I did? I obviously didn't mean she was 'lucky' her mum died, just that she'd had years of good times to look back on which some dont have. Others said I should have just ignored her initial reply as she is still grieving, but does her grief 'trump' my years of upset and sadness so much that I should just not defend my point of view?

So bottom line is that you disagreed and said that loosing a mother is not as bad as having a bad mother.

I think you need to apologise.

OP, you were really silly to answer her back. And I think your 'fuck all' comment about your own mum was immature, whatever the relationship.

Get some emotional continence. If you want that kind of vent have it anonymously on MN. I really judge the 'let it all hang' out FB posters and others will be doing the same.

Her pain is of course valid. I just think mine is equally valid and being told I should appreciate a mother who was appalling to me hurt my feelings.
I think this is the point some posters aren't getting. You are expected to cut all the slack, and it doesn't feel fair. It's a year since your friend's mother died, and after a year she should be getting some perspective (I say this as someone whose much-loived mother died when I was in my early 20s).

I think your original "fuck all" was ill judged and goady to everyone - not just the friend who lost her mum.

I would have kept quiet, knowing that she had a good experience of having a good mother, so is looking at it through rose tinted specticles. I think you need to go for damage limitation, and apologise to her, meet her tea/coffee and have a chat.

Excellent post by MehsMum. This paragraph is particularly sound advice:

Maybe give it a day or two and then send your friend a text saying you didn't mean to upset her, and you're sorry, but you hate mother's day because it always reminds you of what you never had. If she can't deal with that, even if she is still grieving, then I think she's being a bit one-sided.

I think she was wrong to write her initial comment because as you say just because some people have good relationships with their Mothers doesn't mean everyone does but I think you were insensitive to disagree that it was worse than anything else - you may disagree, and you may well be right, (although there aren't many things in my opinion worse than losing someone but I accept there could be) but to a grieving person it will feel like the worst thing in the world.

In my experience of grief it is the lack of hope that makes it so painful because when someone is dead there is no hope of anything ever changing whereas in life even when something is awful there is sometimes people can cling to the tiniest bit of hope... in your case for example even if not now there may have been times when you have believed that your relationship could change even if it was years into the future and it was just 1% of you believing that.

I am sorry that your relationship with your Mother is difficult, I don't think one of you trumps the other tbh, I think you have both been insensitive and maybe been thinking about your own experiences when youhave commented. That said, the 1st year after losing someone is unquestionably a horrific time and added to that this will be her 1st Mother's day since her mum died, I do think it would have been best to let this one go.

Ach well just move on then.
What more can you do?

YANBU about this, maybe a little insensitive but also your friend needs to not project her emotions about her own relationship and situation with her mother onto others. You have probably been through enough pain by the sounds of it, and so I agree that she is lucky to have had years of a loving relationship with her mother. However she is still clearly grieving and can't see beyond that. I would apologise for ay offence but also it's not fair for others to call you names and insult you. you were within your rights to say what you said.

I see your point, but I suspect that most of us who have lost our mothers have had moments of listening to someone else moan about their mum and thought 'WELL AT LEAST YOU STILL HAVE A MOTHER FFS.' It's not always rational but it's very normal and natural.

Like everyone else says, cut her some slack.

I think you were insensitive and should apologise. Don't start trying to compete over whose grief is worse, (on FB of all places) . She's recently lost her mum, she'll be feeling especially bereft at this time of year.

Phone her and say you are sorry you were so insensitive, you were distracted/consumed with your own shit and shouldn't have said what you did.

D'you know what, OP? I had a similar conversation with my BF just after my lovely mum died. She said she wished her mum had died instead. Wow! But her mum was really, really nasty to her, so although her comment was deeply insensitive in some ways, it came from a place of years of abuse. So I'm going to stick up for you here - you were coming from your place of hurt, and while I acknowledge that she is in a lot of pain and Mother's Day is horrible when your mum's just died, if she knows your circumstances she should bear that in mind too - she hasn't lost her ability to empathise, I assume? Hugs from me - you were only being honest and didn't mean to hurt her feelings:0)

My 2nd paragraph was an attempt to explain why your friend may have said what she did about it being the worst thing ever not that I am saying it is worse... it's different, both very painful, but the pain is a different kind of pain I guess - but I think you just need to appreciate that it will still be very raw for her. I lost my Mother last year too and tbh I would have found it very hard to bite my tongue if someone said to me what you said to her especially this weekend. Doesn't mean that when I take a step back I can't appreciate that you are hurting too. As others have said, maybe extend the olive branch in a couple of days - I'm sure once she has calmed down she will understand where you were coming from

II would have ignored it given her sad circumstances. I'm estranged from my evil mum so understand your comment but in this case silence is golden. She loved and lost her mum and will never get over it. We never had proper mums, so many people don't understand it unless they've been there themselves, how many times have we heard that trite phrase 'but she's still your mum'?

Tomanddizzy I did NOT say it was worse! She said that. I said it was different.

her mum died less than a year ago - If she where my friend I would have taken that comment as a reflection of this and kept my mouth shut

your response was very memememe - step back and let her grieve

i lost my dad just over a year ago, and 3 months later it was Father day, i was still grieving, it hurt so bloody much, i actually cried at work while beeping other peoples fathers day cards and gifts through my checkout.

But as sad and hurting as i was, i would never ever have given the 'at least you have a dad' to anyone not celebrating because their dad was an arse to them when they were little.

Yes she is grieving, but she was also VERY insensitive to you.

It's a private Facebook group amongst 'real life' friends who are well aware of the situation, my 'fuck all' wasn't goady, it was honest amongst my closest girl friends.

You shouldn't have had it out on a public post - pm if you can't phone her

It was public to your group though

I think yabu - you have deliberately goaded her when you know she is upset and she has flipped because her thoughts are clearly still caught up on her grief.

I suggest you turn up with flowers wine and chocolate and a huge apology

YANBU imo - Mother's Day winds me up too - all the people I know who are NC with their Mums for very good reasons and all the ones who have lost theirs. She should have seen it from your point of view as you can clearly see it from hers. Mine is also getting nothing - long story which I have no intention of explaining here - those who know me in RL know why

Ikabod this is the first Mother's Day without her mother for the friend whose mother has died. The OP no doubt has been through many Mother's Days feeling how she does was it really necessary to pick this one to shout "what about me, what about my pain?".

OP expects her friends to consider her feelings, she could and should have considered her recently bereaved friends feelings on this occasion and said nothing.

I'm with everyone else, you shouldn't have engaged - I too judge people for ranting, rowing and generally being an arse on social media. It's inappropriate and cringey.

HOWEVER I think she was insensitive too - I also have a very difficult relationship with my mother. I know how it feels when everyone is bleating on about mother's day at the moment when your own mother is a bastard. Why should anyone appreciate and feel grateful for a shit parent? So I do sympathise.

I suggest you turn up with flowers wine and chocolate and a huge apology

Why? The OP is still grieving for the mother she's never had. Where's the sympathy for that? (Other than on Relationships and the Stately Homes thread).

I also lost my mum in my early 20s and I agree completely with MehsMum