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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

had a huge falling out with a friend over mothers day :(

215 replies

NobodyLivesHere · 14/03/2015 12:24

I am ready to be told I am being unreasonable, although I cant help how I feel.
Back story- friends mother died just over a year ago after a short illness. They'd had a very good relationship and naturally she misses her a lot.
My own mother and I have a hugely difficult relationship, she has severe mental illness that impacted my childhood and adolesecense a lot, have had periods of years of looking after her and my siblings and since I left home have had long periods of no contact and lots of issues.
So, another friend posts a message on a Facebook group we all use asking what we were getting our mothers for mothers day, my reply was 'fuck all' the friend then posts saying 'you should cherish your mother, however much she gets to you shes the only one you have etc etc' I replied with a message along the lines of I appreciate why you say this, but it's not that easy for all of us and I wouldn't expect her to understand because she was lucky enough to have a good relationship with hers.
She went nuts and said I was horrible and insensitive to say she was lucky, that her mother was dead and that was worse than anything else. I disagreed that it was worse. Then she and a few others said I was a cow.
Was I really so unreasonable or wrong to say what I did? I obviously didn't mean she was 'lucky' her mum died, just that she'd had years of good times to look back on which some dont have. Others said I should have just ignored her initial reply as she is still grieving, but does her grief 'trump' my years of upset and sadness so much that I should just not defend my point of view?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 16/03/2015 01:07

The person who asked the question started it...seriously, what a dumb thing to do...

One grieving friend & one in a toxic relationship with her mother! You are right that this was never going to end well from the very start, was it? but it was never because of the op!

UncleT · 16/03/2015 01:15

Hardly. Unless, of course, this 'Facebook group we all use' contains literally just the three of them. If it was posed to a wider audience then it was clearly one to just ignore. Of course if it was posed individually in full knowledge of the issues then sure, that would be ridiculous, but that's not the impression given by OP.

UncleT · 16/03/2015 01:16

Hardly. Unless, of course, this 'Facebook group we all use' contains literally just the three of them. If it was posed to a wider audience then it was clearly one to just ignore. Of course if it was posed individually in full knowledge of the issues then sure, that would be ridiculous, but that's not the impression given by OP.

differentnameforthis · 16/03/2015 06:59

It's a group where a circle of friends know about one another's issues, so I stand by my post.

Branleuse · 16/03/2015 07:05

YANBU, she was pouring salt on her own wounds by starting a thread like thathat on mothers day really. You werent mothered. You should have left the postalone in the circumstances though. Hope it blows over soon x

TheRealAmandaClarke · 16/03/2015 07:19

branleuse yy

UncleT · 16/03/2015 07:25

So if there's thirty people in it and two are known to have these issues then nobody should be asked about mother's day? Utter nonsense.

kungfupannda · 16/03/2015 07:41

I think both of you were unreasonable. I can see both sides to some extent. I lost my mother at a young age, and had almost no contact with my father for 20 years - nothing dreadful or dramatic, he was just a crap father who expected my grandparents to take over the parenting role after my mother died and made no effort to maintain a relationship.

Over the years I have often had people telling me what I ought to do or feel in relation to my father, and it is intensely annoying. People don't just lose contact with a parent for no reason, and there always seems to be an assumption that it is the child's fault or responsibility to resolve.

OP, in this situation, I think not posting the 'fuck all' would have been sensible, given that you say that everyone knows your situation in that group. It was a fairly innocuous post about Mothers' Day, clearly intended to lead to a bland little exchange of comments about soap and flowers and nice chocolates, not to an in-depth discussion about serious issues. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be able to discuss those issues, but I think you have to pick your moments. Your comment almost feels a bit aggressively attention-seeking, as though it was intended to derail the discussion. It would be hard for someone to ignore it. You may not have intended it like that, but I would imagine some people read it in that way.

Your friend's reply was twattish. Grieving doesn't justify imposing your own feelings on others, or attempting to whitewash their situation in order to fit in with your own. Your reply to her would have been entirely appropriate if it hadn't included the word 'lucky.' That was only ever going to have one end result.

I think an apology would be in order. You may well get one in return. Something like 'Sorry, I shouldn't have posted that comment. I didn't think. Mothers' Day is a difficult time for me, as you know. I know it's difficult for you too this year. Let's try and support one another through it.'

Bigoldsupermoon · 16/03/2015 07:41

I don't think you're being U, OP. I think it was a bad idea to get involved with the thread in the first place, but I think your point re: bad mum/good mum passing away is more than valid (speaking from experience). Living with a bad mother allows for no closure - just an indefinite amount of very real pain, which can be hard to bear.

You did say you didn't mean to upset your friend. Depending on how much it matters, I'd leave her to come round in her own time but be aware she might not.

DrSethHazlittMD · 16/03/2015 08:26

I'm with you, OP.

This wasn't a public message for all to see but in a group of your friends. Your friend that posted the original message - because you are all friends - will be aware that
a) you had a shitty relationship with your mum
b) your other friend's mum died just over a year ago.

Yes, you could have chosen to ignore it, but these are your friends, you shouldn't have to. And, sorry, but your friend's mum died just over a year ago. She needs to have moved on a bit by now.

DixieNormas · 16/03/2015 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 16/03/2015 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2015 08:51

Why didn't you just keep schtum?

SoupDragon · 16/03/2015 09:04

Your friend was bu, the original post wasnt hers and she has no right to tell you you should cherish your mother when she knows what she is like. I think its arrogant and bloody rude.

This is pretty much what I wants to say.

SoupDragon · 16/03/2015 09:05

Why didn't you just keep schtum?

Probably for the same reason the friend didn't.

DrSethHazlittMD · 16/03/2015 09:07

expat - I'm interested why you think she should have kept schtum among a group of her friends? Are those people whose experiences outside of what society regards as normal never allowed to express their thoughts? If no one ever said anything for fear of upsetting someone, every single person on earth would be mute.

I had a very close friend die on Xmas Eve when I was 19. That was a really fucking shitty Xmas and when you've had one really fucking shitty Xmas it generally takes the edge of it for years to come. But I didn't go off on my friends one year later every time they asked me what I was doing for Xmas or wished me a happy Xmas.

jemimapuddleduck208 · 16/03/2015 09:07

No, I don't think you were that unreasonable. People who are too thick to comprehend that other peoples' lives and relationships are different to their own irritate the snot out of me and I especially can't bear people who play the "well mine's dead, so you should be grateful" card. She started it by trying to assume the "everything's worse for me" position.

Disclaimer: Mine is dead, and I still think that. I have no right to tell anyone that they should be grateful for a shitty relationship with a relative and neither does anyone else.

KellyElly · 16/03/2015 09:13

There was nothing wrong with your comment. Works both ways to the posters saying you shouldn't have replied to your friend's comment, neither should she to yours in that case. Mother's day will bring a whole host of bitter/angry/sad emotions, just as it will bring for her grief/upset/sadness etc. It's a hard day for you both.

Pagwatch · 16/03/2015 09:14

It's pointless trying to decide who was in the wrong when they both were.

But everything flowed from the 'fuck all'.
That was posted, not out of honesty, but as a provocation. Of course it was.
A bunch of friends are asking about flowers or chocolates for their mother and the op posted 'fuck all'. There is no possible reason for posting that other than to make the conversation awkward and negative and uncomfortable. It's attention seeking and it makes those happily planning to treat their mother feel like shit. It cannot do anything else.

The reply to the op was awful, her subsequent reply also awful.
But it was a fight, an upset, that the op provoked. She may feel her honesty compelled her to do so but I think that is self just action and will stand in the way of repairing the relationship.

diddl · 16/03/2015 09:16

Round of applause for Pagwatch

Exactly so imo.

andsmile · 16/03/2015 09:24

I read a thread on here about people who have been abused. One of the things on that was mentioned was they don't expect people who have not been abused to fully understand how it feels or affects you. One survivor said she made allowances for people because of this.

I still think the person who posted about the present was insensitive.
The comment about 'cherishing' a difficult relationship was mispalced but said out of raw grief.

A wholly dysfunctional conversation in all.

Mintyy · 16/03/2015 09:24

Well exactly Pagwatch.

Op, your friends all know that you have a miserable relationship with your mum, they don't need reminding about this every time they want to discuss their own mothers.

As for this comment "And, sorry, but your friend's mum died just over a year ago. She needs to have moved on a bit by now."

I really don't think so!

DrSethHazlittMD · 16/03/2015 09:34

The fact that this took place on FB is a red herring. This is a group of friends. If this conversation had taken place in one of their houses or in a pub, OP would have chucked in her "fuck all" just the same.

Minty - I didn't say the friend's mum needed to have got over it COMPLETELY. But yes, I think after a year, you need to have moved on "A BIT". Yes, grief affects us all in different ways, but you have to get on with life and you can't go into a meltdown every time anyone mentions mothers. You can't go through life still being "raw" about what happens to us all (well, you can, but you'll have a very unhappy life)

expatinscotland · 16/03/2015 11:25

Exactly, Pagwatch.

'I had a very close friend die on Xmas Eve when I was 19. That was a really fucking shitty Xmas and when you've had one really fucking shitty Xmas it generally takes the edge of it for years to come. But I didn't go off on my friends one year later every time they asked me what I was doing for Xmas or wished me a happy Xmas.'

I had a daughter die nearly 3 years ago, age 9. Every fucking Xmas since then has been shitty. Not just one, but 3 of them now. And it won't get any better for many, many years, if ever.

I don't expect people who have not lost a child to get it. I make allowances for that. I see posts on FB and hear things in real life that I could respond to in a similar tone to the OP. But I don't. Why? Because it's not their fault this happened, I have no cause to visit that misery on them, nor want to. I have plenty of bereaved parent friends to share such feelings with.

Frasras11 · 16/03/2015 11:25

I fell out with a friend last year over an argument that started on Facebook. It was all over the Scottish Referendum (I understand how ridiculous that is). Ours was in the public domaine and she defriended me so it then moved to text with the last messages being along the theme of you're a dick and we were clearly never true friends! We haven't spoken in 6 months.

And this is a similar issue here with it starting on FB. You add a tone to the comments and a tone that was maybe not necessarily meant. TBH I think the friend who originally posted the message in the group should have thought better of it. It could have only been inflammatory to you both. Should you gave commented? Probably not but you did, she did and now you are where you are.

If you'd all been in the pub and this had happened do you think it would've had the same outcome?

I do think you both need to address this and someone has to make the first move. Let it be you. We have all lost it in the heat of the moment and said things we shouldn't or have allowed misunderstandings to fester. When I fell out with my friend I was adamant I was right. 6 months on I think we both should have known better. Regardless of how strongly we felt. I also feel sad I lost a friend over something that could have been avoided.

Emotions are subjective and no one should be playing grief top trumps. If after trying to mend the situation, she and your other friends can't see your point of view too, then maybe they're not the friends you thought they were.