had a huge falling out with a friend over mothers day :(

[NobodyLivesHere]

I am ready to be told I am being unreasonable, although I cant help how I feel.
Back story- friends mother died just over a year ago after a short illness. They'd had a very good relationship and naturally she misses her a lot.
My own mother and I have a hugely difficult relationship, she has severe mental illness that impacted my childhood and adolesecense a lot, have had periods of years of looking after her and my siblings and since I left home have had long periods of no contact and lots of issues.
So, another friend posts a message on a Facebook group we all use asking what we were getting our mothers for mothers day, my reply was 'fuck all' the friend then posts saying 'you should cherish your mother, however much she gets to you shes the only one you have etc etc' I replied with a message along the lines of I appreciate why you say this, but it's not that easy for all of us and I wouldn't expect her to understand because she was lucky enough to have a good relationship with hers.
She went nuts and said I was horrible and insensitive to say she was lucky, that her mother was dead and that was worse than anything else. I disagreed that it was worse. Then she and a few others said I was a cow.
Was I really so unreasonable or wrong to say what I did? I obviously didn't mean she was 'lucky' her mum died, just that she'd had years of good times to look back on which some dont have. Others said I should have just ignored her initial reply as she is still grieving, but does her grief 'trump' my years of upset and sadness so much that I should just not defend my point of view?

I'm not sure that I've read the OP correctly.

You have a difficult relationship with your mum & didn't have a good childhood, & therefore you are getting her nothing for MD?

If that's how it read to your friend I can see how it would upset her.

that you still have a mum, & choose to get nothing.

That's what you posted diddl. I read that to mean you are asking if I am buying her anything, my answer is no. Or am I misunderstanding?

I appreciate your point but I still think you were insensitive in your comment. Badly worded and OTT.

I do understand your pain op I really do. Dw's mum was immensely abusive and unpleasant to her as a child and a grown up. They are each other's only family which made it even worse. When people said DW should appreciate her they had no idea what it was like. My mother is the complete opposite so it was a shock to me.

I do think your comment on fbook was ill advised but equally I don't disagree with your sentiments. I think the thing is you should maybe just have thought "this friend is in a very sad place right now and grieving. This is not the time to make a provocative remark".
I should add that my mil has dementia now and that has softened her personality no end. I care for her and she is now a lot kinder to DW which is a very good thing and not the happy ending that many others are able to enjoy.

I agree with Mehmum too.

YANBU.

My mum died on Mother's Day when I was 16.

Mother's Day used to be REALLY hard. Now I look back on the good Mother's Days - and other days- that we had. My mum was fucking fabulous ; yes, she was strict, yes, she was on my case about school, yes, she was annoying about curfew when I was 14, but I knew with all my soul that she loved me totally and completely and would do ANYTHING for me (as long as it was the right thing to do). Looking back, I can see that she made mistakes, but that was fine - because I knew that she loved me and meant well.

Would I rather have an alive-but-toxic mother than a she-loved-me-properly-but-is-now-dead one? Fuck no. I have an alive-but-toxic father (which is a whole novel on its own). If I could switch and have dad die 22 years ago and mum still be here, would I. Oh HELL yes.

I understand how you feel.

My dad is a sociopath who abused us and doesn't even want to see me. I am not lucky to have a dad and I am not going to cherish him.

I don't think you did anything wrong at all to reply with 'fuck all'. You told her that it isn't easy to cherish your mother.. I don't see where you said anything wrong.

My young children lost their father just over a year ago and they have to deal with their friends moan about their decent dads which sometimes stings a bit but I think even they at their young age would not be offended by your comments.

You were unreasonable with your 'fuck all' comment,

How was she? If a group of friends asked me what I was getting my dad I might reply with 'fuck all'.. how is that offensive? Why shouldn't the OP say she isn't getting her mum anything? Yes, her friend's mum died but that does not mean the OP can't say she isn't getting her mum anything. Even my 11, 13 and 15 year old would not find that offensive because they know that just because they are grieving their dad doesn't mean everyone should cherish theirs or should shut up about any genuine problems they have with theirs.

YANBU. I had a similar conversation a few years ago, face to face, so no room for misinterpretation of tone or meaning. Several people I considered close friends rounded on me and told me that as he had never physically or sexually abused me I should feel lucky my father was still alive and make efforts to rebuild a relationship with him. This came about following the revelation that someone in the room, who I had never met before, had lost his father some years previously.

My father was an emotionally abusive alcoholic and everyone in the room other than the person who had lost his father and his girlfriend had been at my wedding two years previously and seen my father reveal his true colours in spectacular fashion.

I haven't seen some of those people in a long time, and my father has since died. I do wonder how the conversation would go if we had it now!

im really hoping i didn't offend my friend now! we were discussing mothers day and her mom has passed i said it was a double edged sword for her she had a brilliant relationship with her mom therefore she misses her terribly i however have a lousy relationship with mine and dont miss her at all even though she is still alive im hoping she understood!

but back to you Facebook is horrible step away from the keyboard! i understand your emotion but no one who is/has been close to there mom will and she is hurt you will never be able to understand her pain and she will never get yours either this is a subject you should never ever discuss if you wish to remain friends

sometimes we should think twice before we speak and before we type!

There are people in my family whow elicit a similar feeling in me. Since the conversation was with old friends I would expect them to understand why you feel that way. I don't think either of your responses were actually that unreasonable - I mean the person starting it must know both your and the bereaved girls situation so it was a dumb conversation to start. Personally I would just let it drop tonight grief does strange things to people.

I really don't think that people should compare two different kinds of loss/suffering as if there's a top trumps of being upset.

Loving a person and being very sad at their death is painful and there are reasons why grief counselling exists - it can take years for someone to come to terms with losing a parent they loved.

Growing up with shitty parents who effectively steal your childhood from you and leave you damaged for life is also hard to recover from (and some people never do), which, again, is why specialist counselling exists.

It is a shame that your friends couldn't see that both you and the bereaved friend are suffering, although for different reasons, and that mothers' day will be particularly difficult for each of you. As they're so concerned about your friend, it makes no sense that they posted in the first place, as surely drawing attention to their living, happy relationships is even worse?

You should be able to post 'fuck all', and she should be able to post about her feelings, without either one of you feeling hard done by. You aren't trying to say she shouldn't feel grief, or pretend that she didn't love her mother because of your situation, and you shouldn't have to modify your emotional response either.

It seems like we all have to pretend that a saint gave birth to us on mothers' day, and for those of us who had a different experience with parents, we're not allowed to voice our hurt.

Perhaps let the dust settle, or send the bereaved friend a personal message, but it sounds like your group of friends having really understood how hard growing up with bad parents can be.

I think op should have stayed away from the FB thread. Presumably her close friends and family know she had a shit childhood. No need to misery plop all over other people's inoffensive chit chat.

I see your perspective. I also see hers.

I once had to sit through two friends having this kind of conversation in real life, about 7 years ago. One friends dad had died very suddenly and unexpectedly, the others dad had recently gone to prison for downloading child pornography. The bereaved friend could not understand others friends utter rage and hatred because "at least she still had a dad".

It was awful because I really felt for both of them. My bereaved friend wouldn't think the same way now but it was less than a year after her dad had died and she was very, very raw.

I think, in these circumstances, it would be better to message or call her and apologise. You're both entitled to your own feelings and neither are more or less valid than the other.

Sorry posted too soon -

But she is less likely to be totally rational right now. Grief is powerful and long lasting.

What on earth was the first friend thinking? If you're all close you all know that OP has a shit mum and another friend has lost her lovely one. And she's asking the group what they are getting their mums.....?

"That's what you posted diddl. I read that to mean you are asking if I am buying her anything, my answer is no."

No, I wasn't asking but I can see how it would look like that.

I assumed when you wrote "FA" that you weren't getting her anything!

I am in the same situation as you and I would not have taken the bait and posted.

Your friend doesn't undrstand what it is like to have your mum, which is like a living bereavement. She only knows what it is like to not have her own mum.

At most I might say: it's a tough day for me.

Her mother died. That's awful. It's awful because she had this amazing person in her life and now she's gone. Understandably distressing.

You have a mother that doesn't care about you. Doesn't care about your children. In many ways it would be better if she were gone because it would be easier rather than knowing she chooses not to love you or be there for you and your children.

"Just be thankful you have a boyfriend, even if he cheats on you and beats you because I don't have one".

When you apply the logic of "just be happy you at least have one" to any other abusive relationship it doesn't work. Your friend is too caught up with her grief to understand what she's saying and I think an in person, honest, conversation about the pain you feel every day knowing you'll never have what she has, and never feel the grief she does (because you won't have lost something you never had). She was lucky to have a mother who loved her and was so amazing, however short she had her, because she will never lose that memory or that feeling of love and support.

As someone with a truly toxic mother and a lovely father who ive recently lost I see both sides.

OP, I agree with everything you're saying and feeling. Totally agree. However Id probably have thought it but not typed it in your situation.

I have strangers on Mumsnet who have had similar discussions with me. I've started a thread about how awful my mother is and a couple of people have come on to say that at least my mother is alive and I ought to cherish her and let her carry on being a toxic bitch

I obviously disagree with their viewpoint and to be honest thought it was quite unfair of them to come onto my venting thread and dismiss my feelings, etc. however I cut them some slack and didn't get into a row about it.

I know you didn't mean to have a row but maybe if you'd thought it through a bit more before replying you'd have seen it comin? Smile and nod, smile and nod is a great refrain for such times!

I hate that people think, just because I only get one mum, or that so & so lost hers, forgive etc...because they have no fucking idea what I went through as a kid that made me go NC as soon as I left home!

I'm sorry, some mothers are shit. Why should we have to hide the fact that our mothers are shit because someone else lost theirs?

It's akin to berating women who have terminations because some women can't have babies.

I am SO pleased when someone has a lovely relationship with their mum, and I am SO sorry when illness etc takes that away from them. But I will not live in the shadow of an EA mother, because someone thinks mothers can do no wrong.

I grieved for the mother I never had years ago, I grieved for my EA childhood years ago. Yes, she is grieving, but that doesn't give her the right to trample all over your feelings.

Your relationship with your mum is your own business. Your friend is making it all about her. It isn't. You weren't a cow at all.

Are people thinking your 'fuck all' was posted in reply to your friend? Because I can't see what was wrong with that at all - it was to a third person who has a mothet they have a relationship with?

Your grieving friend shouldn't hsve jumped on you, as your fuck all wasn't even addressed to her.

Once she had a go though you were on a hiding to nothing & probably would have been better saying you were sorry your feelings upset Her, but just a reflection on your difficult relationship, nothing more.

I can't see anything wrong with your comment - but have learned on FB people seem to read things how they want to & it can be best just to stick to kitten videos.

And yes agree with fanjo, your friend it making it about her, when it wasn't. But when people do that you're stuck really (btdtgtts)

Why just hid the posts. I have people who put posts about being a mum which hurts (one day it will be my turn) but i just hid them. Fb isnt the place to start this sort of discussion. Certainly wouldnt have put anything!

Definitely would have ignored her comment. You not getting on with your mum, who is alive, and her grieving for her dead mother are two very different things. Posting on FB only makes things worse because you can't explain things if people initially misunderstand what you mean so it turns into a slanging match.