had a huge falling out with a friend over mothers day :(

[NobodyLivesHere]

I am ready to be told I am being unreasonable, although I cant help how I feel.
Back story- friends mother died just over a year ago after a short illness. They'd had a very good relationship and naturally she misses her a lot.
My own mother and I have a hugely difficult relationship, she has severe mental illness that impacted my childhood and adolesecense a lot, have had periods of years of looking after her and my siblings and since I left home have had long periods of no contact and lots of issues.
So, another friend posts a message on a Facebook group we all use asking what we were getting our mothers for mothers day, my reply was 'fuck all' the friend then posts saying 'you should cherish your mother, however much she gets to you shes the only one you have etc etc' I replied with a message along the lines of I appreciate why you say this, but it's not that easy for all of us and I wouldn't expect her to understand because she was lucky enough to have a good relationship with hers.
She went nuts and said I was horrible and insensitive to say she was lucky, that her mother was dead and that was worse than anything else. I disagreed that it was worse. Then she and a few others said I was a cow.
Was I really so unreasonable or wrong to say what I did? I obviously didn't mean she was 'lucky' her mum died, just that she'd had years of good times to look back on which some dont have. Others said I should have just ignored her initial reply as she is still grieving, but does her grief 'trump' my years of upset and sadness so much that I should just not defend my point of view?

People who are on the middle of grief and pain often lash out at those around them.

Both you and she have been unreasonable in an entirely understandable and forgivable way.

You are grieving for your loss of a mum just as much as she. You lost your mum long ago to illness and chaos that meant she couldn't be a mum to you although she was still alive. She lost a brilliant mum through death very recently (yes even over a year is very recent). Neither of you is lucky. Neither of you should be told what to cherish or appreciate, whether the good years and memories for her or the fact that your mum is still alive for you.

Your friendship is valuable. It may only be possible to preserve it if you can prioritise healing the rift over making your friend understand and empathise with your feelings. She's not in the right headspace to do that and may not be for a long time.

Keep your apology simple, and focused on your feelings for her and positive memories of her mum. Don't muddy it with trying to make her understand why, or talking about your own mum, that will just perpetuate the argument.

She's your friend and her grief is a new burden for her to carry - a year is not a lot to process something.

I totally understand the points you made, your friend was equally insensitive but people just don't get it . I've known my friends since i was 5 - they still don't understand what it was like to have a mother like that.

You can't expect to educate your friend via Facebook and considering the timing in how close it was to Mother's Day you shouldn't have tried.

All this 'you only have one Mum' Hallmark bollocks you can't change. It's important to them even if it is not important to you (or me!)

Apologise, your friend needs it. What is one argumentative 'loss' in the grand scheme of friendship?

She wasn't trying to educate her friend.

Not understanding why people think the 'fuck all' comment was wrong/goady/offensive. Is it because they want to be able to allowed to only have positive things about Mother's Day and think no one should have to think about the negative impact of bad mothers?

A private FB group of close friends is very different from posting on a status too, that seems to be another thing a good few people on this thread don't get. You can be a lot more frank and honest in it.

OP I'm not sure what you can do, I don't think you were being unreasonable in any of your posts neither the post in answer to the mural friends OP in the FB post nor in your grieving friends response that you should be cherish your mum.

Was she understanding of your situation before her mum died? I don't mean that she was aware of it but was she sympathetic of it or was it more if an inconvenience to her?

Can I ask how the other friends in the group are reacting to what's been said?

As much as she doesn't understand what it was like to miss having a reliable, caring mother, you don't know what it's like to have one and then lose one. I would say you are both suffering but in different ways.

If someone hasn't suffered neglect and lack of love from a mother they just won't understand it and you are better off not voicing it on FB. Rather, write her a letter apologising for how you hurt her but explaining why you find the mother subject so hard. A good friend will probably give you some slack after a heartfelt apology, which you do owe her, because she lost her mother and you were insensitive to that on your post.

Ikabod this is the first Mother's Day without her mother for the friend whose mother has died Where does op say that? She says her friend's mother died over a yr ago...

Where does the sensitivity come in, in terms of them writing the thread? The friend who asked - is she insensitive for asking, knowing that a mutual friend is grieving?

Anyone else who replied - are they insensitive for stating what they plan to do with their mums?

Are they being insensitive towards op for asking the question when they know she doesn't have contact with her mum?

The friend lost her mum a year ago, so it isn't recent. I know that grief never leaves you, having lost a friend a couple of months ago, but that doesn't stop you having compassion. And it isn't an excuse to hurt someone or belittle/deny their pain!

A little while before I lost my friend my FIL suffered several strokes & my dh grieved over the loss of his father as he had always been. He is now in a home as his mum cannot cope with him at home. That is a huge loss for my dh & my girls, who are used to him laughing & playing around, fixing cars, doing DIY, cooking with them, taking them out, being a father/a grandfather. He has gone form all that to being someone who only communicate in yes/no & grunts. My eldest daughter was particularly hit hard with this loss...I get that losing a someone in this way isn't like a person dying, but my point is, in all that grief, we all managed & still manage to support each other & understand that we have all had our losses & are all trying to find our new way in the world without someone we love.

The ability to feel compassion doesn't have to leave you when you suffer a loss. By the post op wrote, it is probably the way she talks about her mother with these guys all the time. She perhaps didn't even think that it would upset, and to be honest, some perspective here is needed from the friends. We don't stop feeling loss when someone else around us experiences it.

I think it all went downhill at the 'fuck all'. Someone was trying to have a fairly casual and lighthearted thread, and the OP found it necessary to respond with swearing. It's being a downer, and an attempt to draw attention on to herself in a conversation that really doesn't apply to her.

I lost my mother (and father) when I was only young. The OP's 'fuck all' was akin to me posting 'fuck all' on a similar post, then sitting back and waiting for the 'aww huns'. I just don't engage in any mother's/father's day posts. They are not relevant to me anymore, and it's not my job to bring down others who are 'lucky' enough to still have and love their parents.

I think this was one of those "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything" moments. I would have rolled my eyes at your mardy "fuck all".

OP if this friendship is important then I would try to resolve this in person. FB is not the forum for resolving or voicing complex feelings.

Having said that, I think your friend should try to see how hard your life has been. I lost my dad 2 years ago. He was a fantastic dad and I consider myself very lucky to have had 2 parents that always put my sister and I first. Yes, I grieve for my dad but I have wonderful memories to comfort me. A school friend had a truly awful dad, he has not seen him now for 16 years, but the misery of his childhood has left a mark that cannot be easily erased.

I think she was very insensitive to you actually. It isn't fair to try and marginalise your whole childhood experience because of her grief. I actually think your experience is far worse and far more damaging, but it isn't about that. I imagine having someone try and paint over your history like that most have bought up some uncomfortable / buried feelings.

Why did you even need to say anything if the others know your situation and therefore, would realise you weren't getting your 'mother' anything? So op has to hide her feelings? I don't see why...what she said wasn't goady at all. She was being honest.

Her you should cherish your mother, however much she gets to you shes the only one you have etc etc is insensitive IMO. Yes, and it show lack of compassion on the friends side, for her to have denied your feelings like that!

Why the hell can't we be honest about our shit mothers? When i went NC with mine, I spent over a yr grieving for her & who she should have been. I still miss having someone I can share stuff with now. I didn't have a mum to guide me through pregnancy, I didn't have a mum to guide me through those first few years of being a new mum, showing me how to feed, bathe, settle my baby. It's a loss too.

So many people telling op she had no right to say anything! Why? Why the hell not? I am sorry for anyone else's grief & loss, but if they cannot acknowledge my loss, however different, they don't deserve to be called a friend.

One isn't worse. Just different. But that's the whole bloody point. OP didn't say one was worse, just different!

I think telling someone that they ought to be sentimental over and grateful for a parent who made their childhood miserable is bloody arrogant, and would have got my back up too. Absolutely! I am sick of being asked by 'well meaning' people when I am going to talk to her again. They know she hated me, made my life hell for 18yrs, stole money from me, told me she didn't want me, told me she tried to kill me before I was born, tried to ruin my wedding, told my boss to sack me because I was unreliable, ...I could go on. They know that she proved all that time & time again! Yet they still think I should forgive all that... so she can stab me in the back & hurt me all over again...no thanks. She was a vindictive narcissistic bully & only when I left home did I feel free. She managed to raise my sister without being a bitch, so there is no excuse. She didn't want me & she made no bones about proving it. Not something I can be grateful for.

I think this was one of those "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything" moments. I would have rolled my eyes at your mardy "fuck all". Really? I don't agree. The ops was posting about her mum, not her friend's grief. It wasn't her saying something nasty, it was her talking to friends, giving an answer to a Q they were ALL asked.

Neither of you can help how you feel. As others have said not really appropriate discussion for FaceBook.

I've only read the OPs posts

Yanbu - how old are your friends, they sound childish

YANBU.

It can't be nice for you to have your feelings belittled in that way. I understand why your friend feels raw about this but she was still in the wrong.

Trying to remember how I was a year after my mum dying. It's hazy but I like to think I wouldn't have done this to a friend in your position.

I've come to realise that some people simply do not understand what it's like to have a parent that treated you horribly, that you neither have nor want a relationship with, and who's passing you wouldn't mourn.

I don't think there's any thoughtlessness or malice in it, they just don't understand. It's outside of their sphere of experience and imagination.

In contrast, almost all of us have the experience of, or at least can imagine what it's like to have a loved one die.

I feel this somewhat puts the onus more on you to be mindful of her experience (because you can understand it), rather than her to be mindful of yours (because she can't understand it), even though I know that feels terribly unfair.

Your feelings are also perfectly valid, and I empathise with you, having had a similar parental relationship myself. But I think I would have kept my thoughts to myself on this occasion. It's hard enough for people to understand when emotions aren't running high, never mind when they are.

Your feelings are valid as are your friend's, to both of you the others response and attitude feels like a slap in the face. Maybe take some time and then speak to your friend? Your other friends are being unfair to you for taking sides like this and to be honest given what's happened with your mother and your friend's I don't think it was that clever a question to pose in the first place.

If I posed that question, knowing that my two close friends hurt just thinking about it or it brought up painful thoughts/reminders then I would consider myself a bit of a shit tbh - rubbing salt into the wound.

And the reason i think it's a poor question is because it's a closed fb group. I have a wastapp group with a bunch of friends and we often ask 'what are you getting for birthday/valentines/christmas' but everyone is always careful when there's situations going on around those times. No one posted about mother's day today because one friend has lost her mother and this time of year is particularity painful for her and another friend had a miscarriage a week ago.

My "dad" died suddenly when I was a child. Fathers Day was hard for the first years. However I have more trouble with Mothers Day and my poor relationship with my mother. Most years I've looked for a simple card to acknowledge that she is my mother. This year I can't be bothered to summon the energy to trawl through gushing declarations of love, friendship and gratitude. I can disengage from Father's day, and focus on DH and the DCs. Mothers Day stirs up the inconsiderate, bitchy and downright hurtful comments made over the years.

They are different experiences. One does not trump the other, they are both painful to live with in different ways. However, long term, the happy memories of my "dad" are easier.

I feel for you OP. I have a lovely mum but I'm really conscious of how OTT Mothers Day is becoming and I don't think it's on to expect you to swallow all your reservations about your mother because others are celebrating or commemorating theirs. I do think your friend was lucky compared to you but she's obviously not lucky right now so that bit wasn't well phrased. But then nor was her instruction to you that you "should" cherish your mother.

My only conclusion is not to use Facebook for any thoughts that matter.

YANBU.

My own relationship with my mother sounds very similar to yours and I was told, A LOT, that I should look after her etc because she's the only one I have. As if that takes away all the years of damage she has inflicted on me and my siblings which we still carry. I still struggle to even buy her a card as none of the words inside reflect anything I feel.

As such I would never say "shes the only one you have" type stuff to someone who has obviously had a hard time.

I think your friend was insensitive to you by including you in a closed group, asking what you had bought for mothers day. I hate the line you should be grateful because you still have a mum, dad etc fucks me right off. She shouldn't use the fact she is grieving for her mum as a guilt trip. I do think however that emotion does not read well via FB or text, so try not to get drawn into it or hide posts & delete the offending messages.

I don't think you did anything terrible. Facebook is not a great platform for such an emotional, raw subject though. From what you have written you sound like a sensitive, reasonable person.
I lived with a sibling with mental health issues when I was growing up and have some sort of appreciation of what a huge impact living with a volatile, unpredictable person can have.

I don't think anyone was in the wrong for expressing how they felt but it just seemed to have got a bit out of hand.
I'd post an apology to anyone you might have unintentionally upset saying Mother's Day is obviously a sensitive time for many people.
You shouldn't need to apologise for what you said.

If it were me, I'd never have posted on the chat.

However, if I have to hear another person tell me how 'lucky' I am too have my abusive mother in my life then I might just slap them upside the head.

You're actually both wrong really, but the fact is that you started it. How did you see it ending after such an inappropriately negative intervention like 'fuck all'? Her suggestions about your relationship with your mother are naive and hurtful, but seriously - this was never going to end well from the very start, was it?