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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL being present at birth - (AIBS rather than AIBU?)

205 replies

Number3cometome · 13/03/2015 10:44

Hi ladies,

More of a AIBS (selfish) rather than AIBU (unreasonable)

Due to have a C-section for my 3rd baby (OH's 1st) in July.

Will more than likely be 38 weeks and will definitely be under a general anaesthetic.

OH is not allowed in the room (fair enough) and will wait outside, but has now asked me if (future)MIL can come along.

I understand that he needs support, and (f)MIL is lovely, we get on well.

I'm just in two minds about it - are you even allowed two people there?

Any experiences?

OH said he is very nervous about being a first time Dad and would like the support whilst I am in recovery.

I'm thinking I would like to try and b/feed baby and have skin to skin as soon as I can and I also feel sad that other people will see my baby before me.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
Sadit · 13/03/2015 10:47

Nope absolutely not! You should be (where possible) allowed these moments in privacy. You won't get them back.

AGirlCalledBoB · 13/03/2015 10:47

I wouldn't want my mil there. I was in a right state after the birth of my son, I was a mess. I would not have felt comfortable with someone else there. I only wanted my mum and my oh and that was how it stayed for about a week.

I don't think it is selfish, I can completely see where you are coming from.

InQuiteAPickle · 13/03/2015 10:48

No not at all. YANBS in the slightest.

I would also be really sad if mil saw my baby before me and there would be no way I would want her in the hospital while I was having surgery or coming round from major surgery. I wouldn't even want my own mother there.

HootyMcTooty · 13/03/2015 10:49

No you're not being at all selfish. This is your birth experience, you're the one going through major surgery, you get to call the shots.

I can understand why your DP might be a bit daunted by the prospect of it all, but Christ, he's about to be a father, it's time to man up. If he can't put your preferences first on the day you give birth to his child, when will he?

Original poster
Number3cometome · 13/03/2015 10:49

I don't want him to feel alone, or sad or worry, but I also want the time to be just for us when I wake up?

I appreciate it can take a while to come round from recovery and my section will take longer due to previous c-sections and a spinal fusion anterior scar, but I would just like it to be us.

You know when you have just had your baby and you just want to be alone (with OH too of course)?

OP posts:
butterfly2015 · 13/03/2015 10:49

Yanbu. I think having a baby is a very private and personal thing and if he wants his mum there she has to stay in the waiting room and definitely not be in to see baby before you or invade that private moment between two new parents.

Original poster
Number3cometome · 13/03/2015 10:50

I have to stress that OH has not argued about this at all - I haven't put across my views on it yet, wanted to get some MN advice first!

I know he will do what ever I am comfy with.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 13/03/2015 10:51

Can't she be with him while he is waiting but wait till you are awake and have seen the baby before she sees baby?

I had an emergency c section with my third and it was also my husbands first. It was sad that I didn't see baby first but it was also nice that he did, he went to the ward with her and when I was properly awake and he had gone home the other mums told me that he had sat by my empty bed singing to the baby. I felt so sad I missed that but was so happy that she was held and loved straight away but I really wouldn't have wanted to hear that his mother had been part of that.

Good luck.

AnotherManicMonday · 13/03/2015 10:51

I got along great with my XMIL before I had DD but there's no way on this earth I would of wanted her there. Like others have said you'll never get these moments back and you should feel completely comfortable and at ease to recovery and meet your new DC the way you want to without anyone present and there your first moments as a family

DuelingFanjo · 13/03/2015 10:52

How come fathers can't be in the room?

HootyMcTooty · 13/03/2015 10:52

I don't think you wanting to be the first woman in your family to meet your baby is at all unreasonable.

Original poster
Number3cometome · 13/03/2015 10:54

DuelingFanjo

General anaesthetic, not a spinal or epidural

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 13/03/2015 10:55

The moment of giving birth is not an appropriate opportunity for a family party. Just say no!

grannytomine · 13/03/2015 10:56

DuelingFanjo I don't think they usually let dads in when you have a general, with epidural it is normal for dads to be there I think. With mine it was an emergency, they didn't even let my husband say goodbye, just grabbed the bed and ran. He said he just stood there in shock and a few minutes later he saw the midwife walking towards the room and he thought she was going to tell him bad news, then he saw she was pulling the crib and he met our daughter, helped to bath her and took her down to the ward to wait for me.

ems1910 · 13/03/2015 10:57

Yanbu.

I do understand his need for support however and would suggest that she can certainly be in the waiting room but I would stress that the first moments with baby are for you and H.

I would be very insistent that she doesn't see baby before me too.

AgathaF · 13/03/2015 11:01

As everyone else has said. It's a private and special moment for both of you. Not appropriate to have her there. He'll cope.

MidniteScribbler · 13/03/2015 11:02

I think letting her sit with him in the waiting room while you are in surgery, but she must wait until you are out of recovery and had some bonding time before coming in to see the baby is a fair compromise.

Alsoflamingo · 13/03/2015 11:03

YANBU!!

Good God this is a moment for you and your OH. NOT a time for your MIL to stick her oar in (however kindly intended). She can come and meet her grandchild in good time.

Your OH may be nervous, but perhaps he'd like to think about you - you are the one who is about to HAVE this baby after all…. You and his future offspring should be his only focus right now.

It is a precious, formative time and should be private and for just you.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 13/03/2015 11:05

YANBU or selfish.

I wouldn't want any other family member at all (apart from DH obviously) to see the baby before me.

Although it's a c section here, I will bring out that old chestnut 'giving birth is not a spectator sport' i.e. you're going thru a surgical procedure (with a very nice outcome) it's not a day out for the family.

BathtimeFunkster · 13/03/2015 11:11

YANBU

You will be having major surgery under GA.

I can't really get my head around him wanting his mother there TBH.

He's a big boy now.

Theoretician · 13/03/2015 11:11

How come fathers can't be in the room?

As husband I was allowed to attend a C-section, though disappointingly they made me sit near DW head and put up a screen so I couldn't see all the gory details lower down.

Wife's parents came with us to hospital, but were not allowed to be near until she sent for them shortly afterwards.

YouAreMyRain · 13/03/2015 11:13

I had a crash csection at 30 weeks. I was allowed two people to support me afterwards, it was DP and my DM. Because it was a crash section it was general anaesthetic so DP was scrubbing up to come it then got told he couldn't. Because I was 30 weeks baby went to NICU. The world and his wife saw my baby before me! I saw some little blurry pics on DP and DMs phone but he had an oxygen mask on so couldn't see his face Sad
He was born at 6 am and I couldn't see him until 11.30pm after I screamed at the consultant because I was ill with preeclampsia on a potassium drip, arterial line in etc.

If my mum couldn't have made it I would have been happy with MIL, it depends how you get on with her. It's not like she will see you give birth. Is there anyone else you could choose to be there sister/friend/parent instead who could also support your DP?

Pootles2010 · 13/03/2015 11:13

Hmm, I think it depends on your mil. Is she the kind of woman who would understand if you asked her to be there for DH whilst you're in OR, then to disappear when baby arrives to give you some along time?

If she's not, then no way. Obviously either way its your choice, just a thought.

Charlotte3333 · 13/03/2015 11:15

I agree that it really should be a private time for you and your DH to treasure. MIL here was desperate to help out so she babysat the dog and DS1 (who was at school while I went into labour anyhow) so she felt like she was helping.

Your immediate time after the birth is for you, baby and DH, nobody else needs to be there to support you other than medical staff if required. It's not selfish to want that privacy at all.

Theoretician · 13/03/2015 11:15

Having re-read thread, it wasn't general anaesthetic in DW case.