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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL being present at birth - (AIBS rather than AIBU?)

205 replies

Number3cometome · 13/03/2015 10:44

Hi ladies,

More of a AIBS (selfish) rather than AIBU (unreasonable)

Due to have a C-section for my 3rd baby (OH's 1st) in July.

Will more than likely be 38 weeks and will definitely be under a general anaesthetic.

OH is not allowed in the room (fair enough) and will wait outside, but has now asked me if (future)MIL can come along.

I understand that he needs support, and (f)MIL is lovely, we get on well.

I'm just in two minds about it - are you even allowed two people there?

Any experiences?

OH said he is very nervous about being a first time Dad and would like the support whilst I am in recovery.

I'm thinking I would like to try and b/feed baby and have skin to skin as soon as I can and I also feel sad that other people will see my baby before me.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 13/03/2015 11:15

All I will say is that my dh was grateful for our friend while I had my section under ga. It was our first too & as soon as we knew all was OK, she went home.

Second time, he said ti was really hard, even though I was awake, because there was no one to help fil the silence.

This is just as much his experience as yours, and if it makes him feel better, I don't know what you would object! Would he object if you asked for YOUR mum to be there?

YouAreMyRain · 13/03/2015 11:15

People RTFT!!

IT WILL BE A GENERAL ANAESTHETIC SO NO ONE ALLOWED IN THEATRE WITH OP!

AlternativeTentacles · 13/03/2015 11:17

OH is not allowed in the room (fair enough) and will wait outside, but has now asked me if (future)MIL can come along.

Surely he should be saying 'Do you want your mum to be there to support you?'?

differentnameforthis · 13/03/2015 11:17

Geez, all you anti MIL-ers! Mine was IN the room as I had my section, she cut the cord, she held baby as I couldn't (carpal tunnel) and handed her to dh...

It was a lovely day!

differentnameforthis · 13/03/2015 11:18

Surely he should be saying 'Do you want your mum to be there to support you?'? So him needing support doesn't matter? he should be forgotten about because he is the man?

differentnameforthis · 13/03/2015 11:21

I should add that my dh wasn't in the room when I had my second section, as he is medical phobic & most certainly would have passed out.

BathtimeFunkster · 13/03/2015 11:22

This is just as much his experience as yours

It's not an "experience", it's an operation.

And only one person is having this operation.

BathshebaDarkstone · 13/03/2015 11:23

I haven't got an MIL but if she was still alive I definitely wouldn't want her there, nor anyone else other than DH. YANBS.

MrsPatrickDempsey · 13/03/2015 11:24

Worth checking in advance, if you haven't already, but many hospitals will only allow one person in recovery regardless if you have had a ga or spinal.

BirdInTheRoom · 13/03/2015 11:24

He will probably only have to wait a very short time, and they will likely take the baby to him while stitching you up. I'm pretty sure they wake you up pretty quickly afterwards too.

Depends if you want MIL to see the baby before you, and to be part of your new little family's first moments together, while you're just waking up from major surgery feeling like shit?!!

If you don't mind, then cool, but if you do mind, even a little bit, you should say something now as you don't want to spoil those first moments as you'll never get them back.

He may be nervous but he will be fine and before he knows it, he will have his new baby to keep him company!

LittleBairn · 13/03/2015 11:25

Post

I wouldn't allow this its time for him to stand on his own two feet without needing his mother to hold his hand.

I doubt she would even be allowed, you will be on a recovery ward by theater for a few hours afterwards with only the birth partner allowed. Then you will be moved to a normal ward where normal visiting times will be kept.

My main concern would be that after I had my GA (not a C-section a much shorter procedure) I was barely conscious for 1-2 hours afterwards I wouldn't want anyone meeting or cuddling my baby before me other an my DH.

I actually have a friend who's relationship with her mother was permantly damaged by her mother seeing her baby before she did (baby was a premie mother under GA for delivery then was whisked off to another hospital where granny managed to gain access to him) and just couldn't help crowing about it to all and sundry that she got to meet him first.

TarkaTheOtter · 13/03/2015 11:26

I think this is a different situation to the usual and I can understand both your desire to be one of the first family members to see/hold the baby and your dp wanting someone there with him when he does. If your mil is a sensitive person, do you think she would understand this all if you explained it to her? I would in her shoes and would wait with my DS but go home once baby arrived if that is what he and his (highly theoretical as he is only 1!) partner needed on the day.

BirdInTheRoom · 13/03/2015 11:26

It's also possible they may only allow one person in recovery with you anyway. Worth checking with the hospital.

Mehitabel6 · 13/03/2015 11:28

I would only have DH.

LittleBairn · 13/03/2015 11:29

I should add he can ask the midwives for an update, it may not be possible but they will do their best to support him.

I had surgery whilst I was pregnant, it took 3 times as long as it was suppose to my DH genuinely thought I had died (he wasn't being totally OTT there was a lot of concern I would vomit in surgery) but he knows if I need a C-section he's to ask if he's worried not just sit there quietly.

YouAreMyRain · 13/03/2015 11:30

Littlebairn having been in the same situation as your friend, I think it's the "crowing" about meeting him first that damaged the relationship and it hints at other issues there. My mum met my baby first and I didn't have any problem with that at all.

QTPie · 13/03/2015 11:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

YouAreMyRain · 13/03/2015 11:32

I've never been allowed anyone in recovery with me, I've have five surgeries recently, including a csection.

Mrscog · 13/03/2015 11:32

I think if you can trust her not to barge in whilst you're in recovery/coming to meet the baby etc. then saying she can wait with your DH in the coffee shop or whatever whilst you undergo the surgery etc. could be a fair compromise, but that would be as far as I'd go to be honest.

PercyGherkin · 13/03/2015 11:32

As said above - my friends' experiences of C-sections under GA are that very quickly dad is presented with the baby - in one case in the corridor outside the theatre (after all, most of a C-section is the stitching up afterwards). He's really not going to have very long on his own before someone brings him the baby. Is MIL really going to flee the room shouting "Mustn't look! Number3 wants to see the baby first!" at that point? I only know my own mother and MIL and I'd say not a chance in hell. You won't be able to do anything about it.

Giantbabymama · 13/03/2015 11:34

My MIL is v clingy with DH but even she appreciated we needed a good chunk of time together before she came to meet DS for the first time. I am sure your OH will manage.

I had an EMCS under GA which is slightly different situation I realise because DH had to leg it from work to be there before DS was born and got there about 5 minutes before she emerged. He occupied himself while I was in surgery calling his mum then his brother to update them on developments then I had told him before the event that if there was an emergency and I had to be separated from DS, I wanted him to be with DS while I was in recovery, so he did that.

It was good because he could come and give me updates on how she was doing while I was still too poorly to hold her. She was in acute fetal distress before she was born so there was quite a bit of cleaning up and care to do so it was a while before I got to see her, meaning I was a bit emotional and I would not have wanted MIL to see me like that.

I can appreciate your OH may want a bit of handholding but he kind of also needs to be able to do this parenting lark without his mum too otherwise that's gonna drive you a bit nuts in the long run. Can't he just be in regular phone contact with her?

Giantbabymama · 13/03/2015 11:36

Just realised I said DS when I meant DD! Baby brain....

elfycat · 13/03/2015 11:36

When DH expressed concern at being sole birth partner I invited my mother to back ME up.

In the end the 10cm dilated sneaked up on me and she was late to the birth. She then stayed for a week at our house. DH again expressed concern that it wasn't really the time to have guests. Sigh. I explained that she would be there to do all the donkey work while 'we' were treated like guests. In the end DD1 was prem and I was stuck in hospital with her and DH was grateful that someone was there to look after HIM in between his frequent hospital visits.

The point is that this was MY support network, not DH's luckily the in-laws were on holiday, having told me not to have DD1 until they got back

TRexingInAsda · 13/03/2015 11:37

Surely he should be saying 'Do you want your mum to be there to support you?'? So him needing support doesn't matter? he should be forgotten about because he is the man? Oh FFS - he's NOT the one being cut open and having a baby removed from him, so NO he fucking doesn't need support like the OP does, and not because he has or hasn't got a fucking penis. If she had a female partner the exact same applies. It's not about him being a man, it's about who needs support here, and it's not him.

OP - I get on really well with my MIL, love her, but I would not want her there when I was having baby (however I was having it). You need to do what you want to do, and are comfortable with in this situation. It is ok to say no.

hellospring · 13/03/2015 11:37

My mil came to see me when I was in labour. I have no idea why or what benefit she thought it would be but there we go. I was transferred out to another hospital in the end and she wanted to come but I politely asked her not too. Its enough to cope with without having extra people there.

I love my mil dearly and we have a great relationship, I just didn't want her there. And, if she's at the birth, is she going to be at everything else to come, bit of a precedent to set there...