MIL being present at birth - (AIBS rather than AIBU?)

[Number3cometome]

Hi ladies,

More of a AIBS (selfish) rather than AIBU (unreasonable)

Due to have a C-section for my 3rd baby (OH's 1st) in July.

Will more than likely be 38 weeks and will definitely be under a general anaesthetic.

OH is not allowed in the room (fair enough) and will wait outside, but has now asked me if (future)MIL can come along.

I understand that he needs support, and (f)MIL is lovely, we get on well.

I'm just in two minds about it - are you even allowed two people there?

Any experiences?

OH said he is very nervous about being a first time Dad and would like the support whilst I am in recovery.

I'm thinking I would like to try and b/feed baby and have skin to skin as soon as I can and I also feel sad that other people will see my baby before me.

Am I being selfish?

youare I think your right its really how gracious the person meeting the baby first reacts to it.
It was expected I would deliver early so my DH has been under the strictest instructions no one is even allowed to see a photo of her before I get to properly meet her.

I don't think would mind my MIL seeing the baby before me, provided it was just a quick look and then gone, leaving your DH and baby waiting for you to wake up.

I absolutely wouldn't want to come round from surgery & a GA to find her sitting there cuddling the baby/changing it's nappy/dressing it etc...

You know her, is she likely to be tactful and disappear well before you wake up??

My mil is lovely but dp would not want her there anyhow as he's a grown man.
Tbh I do think your dp should get a grip he sounds a bit pathetic to want his mum there.

I don't think it would be so terrible for your dh to have his mum at the hospital with him, whilst you are in surgery, Number3 - I can understand why feels he needs and would value her support whilst you are in Theatre.

If it were me, this would be my compromise - I would agree to my fMIL being there to keep my dh company whilst I was in Theatre, but I would ask that she didn't come into recovery with him, and that she waited until I was ready to see her, and invited her in, once I was back on the ward.

If she is the nice person that you say she is, she will be happy with this compromise.

For those of you who have asked why the partner is not allowed in Theatre if a C-section is being done under general anaesthesia - as a former theatre nurse, my understanding is that it's felt that people would find it very upsetting and disturbing to see their partner unconscious and intubated. Having watched ds1 being anaesthetised for minor surgery, when he was young, I know from firsthand experience that the unconsciousness of anaesthesia is very different to sleep, and when it is someone you love, this can be an upsetting experience - I was an experienced theatre nurse, who had seen hundreds of people anaesthetised, but it still upset me.

Also, if a C-section is being done as an emergency, that too could be very stressful and scary for the partner/dh - things happening very fast, rapid sequence induction (induction is the technical term for being put to sleep or anaesthetised), lots of people rushing around, with little or no time to explain what is happening or support the dh/p.

How come you need a GA OP? I'm not judging, just curious as I'd not heard of that for ELCSes, only EMCSes.

And you are DNBS, can't imagine why you'd think you were!

I'd go with SDTG's solution, and talk to her about it - if you like her - openly and honestly.

Having my (now ex) MIL there during my emergency GA with dd1 would have really helped ground my panicking then-dh. He really freaked out at the level of intervention - not good with hospitals at the best of times!

I was never one for the precious first moments though tbh. It didn't bother me that dd1 was held by her df until I came round - wouldn't have bothered me who saw her first, she was still mine

BathtimeFunkster I was talking about the experience of having a baby.

TRexingInAsda Wow, that's really fucking harsh! OP has her dh to support her, so why can't he have some support? My dh was terrified when I was wheeled into theatre for both my sections. Not because he is some big scaredy cat, but because he loves me & loved his baby & wanted it all to be OK, but didn't understand the whole procedure because we were first time parents. I had him for support, and he was great for me until they wheeled me away from him, so why they hell shouldn't he have had someone there who knew what was happening & could help him?

I know people say that MN doesn't hate men, but some posters sure do!

Tbh I do think your dp should get a grip he sounds a bit pathetic to want his mum there.

Well op is a grown woman, is she being pathetic by wanting her dh there? Or if she wanted her mum there, is that pathetic too?

Terra - I would assume that the OP's previous spinal surgery makes it impossible or very difficult for her to have spinal anaesthesia.

And differentnameforthis - you are spot on! Having a loved one go for surgery is scary and stressful - there's nothing wrong with this chap wanting a bit of support whilst the OP's in theatre!

It is a hard one.

I can actually understand that, when your wife is undergoing major surgery under general, it would be nice to have someone sitting in the waiting room with you. Whether that is her mother or yours.

Is she the sort of person who would understand that that was her role, and bugger off as soon as you were in recovery so that you could come round, meet the baby, etc together and she could do so later. Or once there, would she 'want it all'.

Yanbu at all, my dh felt as your dh felt, and wanted his mother in the room as I gave birth, I think she diden't really want to be there as it was kind of private, but dh was like jelly. My mum would have made matters worse, and she hates hospitals. I wish I said no, but to her advantage, MIL was very calm and helpful, and really good.

Surely there is some compromise to be had? He says he wants the support, and his feelings matter too.
If I was his mother, I'd be happy to stay with him while needed, have a quick peek at the baby and then sod off to leave you in peace.

Why not talk about it with them instead of with us here?

YANB Selfish to want to be first to see your baby and to have skin-to-skin contact very quickly and to want to come round and see only your DP.

But why can't MIL be with her DS whilst he is outside the operating room?

Once your DP is allowed in to see you, she can wait outside alone/disappear for a bit and come back a couple of hours later or whenever you feel ready.

She would probably like to support her son (of course he will be worried about you) and will be thrilled to have a peek at the tiny baby a bit later - maybe after your own DM visits, if she is also nearby?

His partner is going through major surgery, his baby is being born, but he's a wimp and needs to get a grip because he'd like some support while waiting during the surgery?

MN anti-MIL at it's finest.

OP, as some pp have said, it's perfectly understandable if he wants some support while you are in surgery. But it's also perfectly understandable that you want the time alone with just your OH and the baby once you are out of recovery.

Just have a chat with her and ask if she'd be happy to be there to support her son, rather than meet her new grandchild.

Though personally, I wouldn't mind my MIL having a quick squeeze of the baby while I was coming out of recovery, even if I hadn't seen the baby yet. It doesn't alter the nature of anything. I can't see anything majorly wrong with her having a quick cluck over her new grandchild and then going home to leave your three alone for new family time.

I don't see why MIL can't be there with DH when you're in theatre, but I think I would insist that she stays in the waiting room until you and dh have spent time together with the baby.

Would you be more comfortable with that OP?

No one is MIL bashing/ being anti MIL on here as much as some people might like them to be. I adore my own mum but wouldn't/ didn't have her around for either of my sections nor will she be for my third as I consider it time for me and my DH not extended family.

That said, if your DH really can't cope without support then he isn't the right birth partner for you, therefore I recommend that you find another birth partner and DH can wait at home/ in the coffee shop (I'm unsure where these waiting rooms on a delivery suite people speak of are or if they even exist) and once you are with it your birth partner can call him to come and swap over.

YANBU to not want anyone other than your DH or person of your choosing to see your child before you.

He needs to man up. He doesn't need the support - you do as the one having the op. Absolutely not unreasonable to prefer her not to be there, but visit shortly after like any other grandparent.

Yanbu.

He is there to support you. He doesn't therefore need a support of his own.

Otherwise who is coming to support mil? And so on forever.

Someone has to be there just doing supporting and that person is dh.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius you are spot on - TerraNovice I have had a full lumbar fusion and with previous spinal surgeries there is too much scar tissue for a spinal or epidural, it's risky and there are dangerous blood vessels on the scar tissue, I saw an anaesthetist earlier on in the week and they will not do it. I understand. My first child was an EMCS born under a GA, second was a spinal block (before the fusion)

Other posters who have said OH is 'pathetic' and should 'get a drip'
That's harsh, nothing I have said suggests that. I said

DH doesn't need to man up or anything of the sort, he hasn't had a child before and is worried something will happen to either of us and asked for support.

If I were to say no, he would respect that.

Consultant said they would bring baby straight out to OH (all being well) so (f)Mil would see baby before me.

I guess I could ask that baby stays in with me until recovery? Although maybe that's not good as it means someone else will have to look after baby?

Of course you arent being selfish, and as people suggest MIL can be in waiting room.

But all the rather negative comments about OPs DH wanting support and being told to "man up" are rather horrible and unnecesary. No wonder men struggle at times discussing their emotions.

I can't really get my head around him wanting his mother there TBH

Whats not to understand about a man wanting support at the birth of his first child, especially since he cant actually be in the room and will be anxious about his partner?

Sorry should have said - I don't want my mother there, we don't have that kind of relationship.

MIL is lovely, but again, we don't have that sort of a relationship.

I guess I feel jealous that someone other than me will be looking at my new baby before me. I feel gutted, but his safety obviously comes first.

This may have already been said, butif you're under GA you won;t be able to hole the baby first so it'll probably be you DH, but if you're MIL is there she'll probably have a cuddle before you too (and that's not someting I would want)

Tbh I do think your dp should get a grip he sounds a bit pathetic to want his mum there

Right so a man who is anxious is pathetic now eh!

If she had a female partner the exact same applies. It's not about him being a man, it's about who needs support here, and it's not him

Its not an "either or" sitaution - of course its the woman needing the most supoort as she is the one giving birth but this doesnt mean the other parent of the baby doesnt need support to, and if that means having someone with him whilst his partner is not only having a baby but a major operation under general aneasthetic than there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and its really sad that some posters seem to think there is.