MIL being present at birth - (AIBS rather than AIBU?)

[Number3cometome]

Hi ladies,

More of a AIBS (selfish) rather than AIBU (unreasonable)

Due to have a C-section for my 3rd baby (OH's 1st) in July.

Will more than likely be 38 weeks and will definitely be under a general anaesthetic.

OH is not allowed in the room (fair enough) and will wait outside, but has now asked me if (future)MIL can come along.

I understand that he needs support, and (f)MIL is lovely, we get on well.

I'm just in two minds about it - are you even allowed two people there?

Any experiences?

OH said he is very nervous about being a first time Dad and would like the support whilst I am in recovery.

I'm thinking I would like to try and b/feed baby and have skin to skin as soon as I can and I also feel sad that other people will see my baby before me.

Am I being selfish?

Should be "he might feel better if his mum is there" (not MIL!)

Hell would freeze over before my mil would leave. She was banging on the window of the recovery room to be let in at SILs. Then made BIL leave when she did as he had drive her there. SIL had no alone time with BIL what do ever,

God, what a depressing thread.

We have concluded that men should be 'real men' and this involves betraying no emotion and requiring no support. And if they do feel the need of a little support, it should under no circumstances come from their mothers because that would frankly be a bit weird and unnatural (unlike women needing support from either parent because that is totally natural).

Welcome to the 1950s

I think it would be unfair to not allow your MIL to support your DP while he is waiting. It sounds like she is the sort of person who will understand that the three of you will need some private time alone once you are awake after the birth.

I can understand your feelings about her meeting the baby first, but realistically the first person to meet most babies is not a parent. My DS spent his first few minutes with two midwives, and neither DH or I can remember who actually held him first. It is one moment out of a lifetime.

I think what's driving a lot of attitudes about whether the OP's OH needs his mum's support isn't the actual support, but whether the MIL would be understanding enough to not try to see the baby before the OP.

Okay, I know that technically the medical staff will see the baby first, but most people aren't thinking about the medical staff, just who see's the baby within the family.

But then, a MIL sensitive enough to respect her DIL's needs and wishes wouldn't find herself the subject of a post, so I do wonder if deep inside the OP is uncertain about her MIL.

I'm a MIL and certainly would (did not) not want to intrude on this once in a lifetime moment! I really can't understand why anyone would?

It isn't intruding if you are asked.

Your DH needs to grow a set and be present in mind and body when you have your CS Oh shut up!

If you are not comfortable with your MIL there then say no. You don't need an audience when you are having a CS. She is having a GA, so no one will be present except the medical staff!

Barbarian You might have concluded that, but if you actually read the thread, a lot of people have said the exact opposite of what you find so depressing. The majority actually, but my count.
Just you and a couple of others in the fifties.

I don't think it's selfish or unfair for OP to want her and DH to be the first people (apart from medical staff) to see the baby. Just because PPs have said they didn't care about MIL seeing their baby first doesn't mean OP shouldn't care. Her feelings are valid. She will have carried the baby for 9 months FFS! She has every right to want that special moment of seeing her baby for the first time with DH and no other family present.

The question is, would MIL really wait with her son and then leave before seeing the baby? I doubt medical staff would even give advance warning, I expect they would just bring the baby to him, whether MIL is there or not. And no matter how reasonable and supportive she is, it might be too tempting for her to stay and see her grandchild (I know in that position I'd be dying to see the baby!)

Quick question and off topic a little bit, why to some women who have a c-section have a ga and some have an epidural? I've had 2 sections one emergency and one planned but I had an epidural for both.

Maybe op needs to view it as if she was having GA due to her appendix being taken out. Would her DH need support then?

Is that in any way similar to the birth of a child where there are risks to two people?

Could it be arranged so that DH and mil are in the hall.

When baby is born, DH and baby meet in recovery. Mil leaves, to come back when is suits you?

Iirc, I don't think anyone other than birth partners are allowed in recovery, and I cant imagine they would take a newborn into the hall?

Talk to consultant and find out the logistics first.

DH was in bits at my semi em cs and I had a spinal - he barely coped being away from me while that was put in. So I do have sympathy for your DH.

why to some women who have a c-section have a ga and some have an epidural?

The OP said she has had previous spinal surgery which makes an epidural impossible.

I don't think you are being selfish, and I don't think your dh is being unreasonable either. I think the very best solution would be that she stays until she's given the news that baby has arrived (I assume that it could be arranged for one of the staff to pop their head out and say "baby has arrived safe, we'll be bringing out your bundle of gorgeousness in a moment" )and the MIL can slip off for a few hours to give you and your partner some space.

If I was the MIL in that situation, I'd feel that I'd done my best by both my son and DIL. I was at the birth of both my grandchildren by my daughter's request. The first time, my SIL needed almost as much support as my daughter and said later he was grateful I was there. The second time he was much more confident and proactive and I took a much more backseat role. I think that needing support whilst your loved-one is in theatre isn't being needy, but quite human.

I think if you sat down with your dh and MIL and you discussed this, you might find your MIL agreeable to coming back a few hours later.

Good luck with the birth, hope all goes well!

Thanks SoupDragon sorry I didn't read the whole thread. Meant to write do also. Have a hangover brain today. Was a genuine question hope it didn't come across in any other way.

I don't understand the harsh comments on here and I'm not close to either of my MILs (I have two) but if my dh, who is presumably like the op's dp - in that he is a kind, caring man that she chose to bring into her life and have children with - if he told me he needed some support in this scenario I don't think I could deny him it. If it was important enough for him to ask, if he was worried enough to ask then of course it needs due consideration.

If it were me I'd want my dh to have the support of somebody because I wouldn't want him to be alone and worried. I'd also want to make sure he had some support if something went wrong. I wouldn't care if that was his brother or his mum or the whole of the first XI. However, the difference between the op and me is that I don't really mind who sees the baby first, I have no strong feelings about this at all. I feel that it is still my baby and will be even if I have to wait a very short while to see him/her.

I think the option for mil to leave once dp has confirmation all is ok is a good compromise and by leave I mean go and get them both a coffee or similar so that she doesn't feel binned off after the hard part is over.

however you said that the woman giving birth needs support, well the OP herself said she doesn't because she's going to be asleep! You are seriously projecting. OP has also said that this is MIL's 3rd grandbaby and that she has not done anything to suggest she will be a pushy grandmother. Wind yer neck in a bit, eh?

I would have gladly had my MIL in hospital with me either time - she has the skill of knowing exactly the right thing to say and do! She loves her son and I respect that. She saw our second son about two hours after he was born and it was a special moment for all of us.
This is, however, your choice OP. Do what your gut tells you. And your DP may just need to 'woman up' a bit.

No to the MIL being there. I could safely assume that she will want to see and hold the baby while you are in recovery, and I think that is very unfair on the mother. It's one thing to say that she can just be there to support your partner and leave straight away but once baby is here, the excitement will take over and she will want to see / hold baby first before she leaves. You're the one who is pregnant so you decide who gets to be there.

It's not planned for MIL to be at the birth!

OP, how upset would you be if you found out that MIL had seen & cuddled baby?

Is OH likely to let this happen?

If it did, is she likely to just have a quick cuddle & then go or likely to be still holding on by the time you are able to see your baby?

I do think that your OH needs reassuring that he won't need help with baby until you are able to see your newborn.

I wanted someone with my husband incase, God forbid, something went wrong. I love my husband and didn't want him to be alone. It's not about 'manning' up, we are family!

Yes, Minky, who would want their son or daughter alone when their loved one is in surgery when so much can go wrong.

Hi all, wow that got a bit heated. Firstly OH is a tough guy,we don't see MIL on a regular basis as we both work and basically do our own thing - she is not an interfering type and would certainly leave when asked. She's a chilled out person pretty much goes along with what is asked. She certainly would not cross any lines or try to upset me.

OH is worried on two counts - the surgery and the new baby and needing support. I should point out this is a complicated pregnancy due to me previously suffering eclampsia (seizures) in labour and being left with a permanent heart condition. This obviously makes the situation more tricky and OH worries more.

I did however discuss with OH last night and he has said that it doesn't matter if it cannot be his Mum present but would like support from someone.

He has said that if I am not happy he will wait on his own. I have explained midwives will be on hand to help.
I also promised me could take football manager on his laptop (jokingly!)

I had CS under general. When I woke up I was wheeled into a room where my H was sitting cuddling our baby. It was a lovely sight to wake up too. However my H was terrified. He was on his own and told to do skin to skin with our baby. In hindsight he could have done with some support and company as the Midwives were too busy.

I think I'd find out from the hospital who waits where and what will happen with the baby after you've had him/her. If you can only have one person wait outside the theatre, then that answers the question for your DH.

Otherwise if your MIL is generally very lovely and will simply wait with DH then leave him when the baby arrives, then that could be fine. I'd be very clear with DH that I didn't want anyone other than DH seeing the baby before me and only agree his mum is there on that understanding.

I wonder if mentioning your DH is a bit nervous about the baby to the midwives might help. They usually insist you're sat down before they hand you the baby, so they're not going to just dump a baby in a cot with him. I'm sure they'll take him and the baby to the recovery area so he can sit with the baby there. They're usually really good at making sure you know to support the head etc.