Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL being present at birth - (AIBS rather than AIBU?)

205 replies

Number3cometome · 13/03/2015 10:44

Hi ladies,

More of a AIBS (selfish) rather than AIBU (unreasonable)

Due to have a C-section for my 3rd baby (OH's 1st) in July.

Will more than likely be 38 weeks and will definitely be under a general anaesthetic.

OH is not allowed in the room (fair enough) and will wait outside, but has now asked me if (future)MIL can come along.

I understand that he needs support, and (f)MIL is lovely, we get on well.

I'm just in two minds about it - are you even allowed two people there?

Any experiences?

OH said he is very nervous about being a first time Dad and would like the support whilst I am in recovery.

I'm thinking I would like to try and b/feed baby and have skin to skin as soon as I can and I also feel sad that other people will see my baby before me.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 14/03/2015 08:36

I'm on the fence with this and truly believe it's down to the MIL.

I had an GA during my EC due to having a panic attack while they were stitching me up and DP was ordered from the room. When I came round he had be crying as he was scared and said he never wanted me to go through that again. I wish he would have had support outside.

BUT - MIL had been banned from the hospital due to her behaviour at SIL sections, three of them. She totally ruined SIL recovery and experience as she is a very bullish woman. When dp rang her she had flew out the country on a 'secret surprise' holiday the day before the EC because she was being 'pushed out' (but that's another thread) So he sat there alone, in pieces.

CrystalCove · 14/03/2015 08:41

However it's not "shit", it's still a major operation, I don't see how anyone can have such a cold callous view as "suck it up", the OP even had said this as she is concerned, The OP clearly doesn't want him alone whilst she is unconscious, and I can sympathise with that. It's funny the difference just having someone with you when you are worried and anxious can make, it's not even all about what they say.

Banana clearly you haven't read the thread, or at least the OPs posts as she will be unconscious and he's not allowed in the theatre anyway!

however · 14/03/2015 08:44

Yellow, please, your extrapolation is astounding. Superior being?

Good luck with having MIL leave when there is a newborn in sniffing distance.

It really should be up to the person who has had their child removed from their belly via a massive bloody incision. You know, priorities.

CrystalCove · 14/03/2015 08:44

And however if you think a C section under GA is not a major operation then I pity you.

however · 14/03/2015 08:46

And where did I say that, Crystal? Hmm?

And if I thought that (I don't) you'd pity me. Really?

See earlier point about drama....

CrystalCove · 14/03/2015 08:46

I think the OPs MIL sounds quite reasonable actually and the OP has said she gets in well with her and has a good relationship, why wouldn't she leave if OP and her DH wanted to be alone? You are making massive assumptions and clearly have your own issues here.

CrystalCove · 14/03/2015 08:47

No it's not drama, I just pity someone that lacks the capacity to see a human could need emotional support when don't know they love is having an operation that's all.

SoupDragon · 14/03/2015 08:48

It really should be up to the person who has had their child removed from their belly via a massive bloody incision.

And the whole point of this thread is that the OP is trying to decide.

Good luck with having MIL leave when there is a newborn in sniffing distance.

My mother and my XMIL would leave in the circumstances you describe. Maybe the mothers and MILs in your life are selfish arses. Mine aren't.

CrystalCove · 14/03/2015 08:48

someone

yellowdinosauragain · 14/03/2015 08:48

My extrapolation is based on your posts. totally dismissing the valid opinions of anyone who doesn't agree with you. And your unpleasant sneary attitude to people who might want support while their partner is undergoing major surgery. You don't want me (and it's not just me) to extrapolate from your posts? Then think about how they come across!

keepsmiling2015 · 14/03/2015 08:51

I've never heard anything so ridiculous. He needs support? You're the one who needs support and that's his job as a partner. The days should be long gone when a grown man needs his mother like that.

yellowdinosauragain · 14/03/2015 08:51

However this, and I quote directly from your post:

It's a C-section, not open heart surgery

Is where you strongly implied you don't think a c-section is major surgery and crystal isn't the only person to bring it up.

Soupdragon totally agree with you

SoupDragon · 14/03/2015 08:51

however you effectively said it was surgery where the chances of something going wrong were really bloody minimal. This is a CS with added complications and a second person also at risk.

MidniteScribbler · 14/03/2015 09:00

The days should be long gone when a grown man needs his mother like that.

Right, all mothers should just send their son off when he turns 18, never to speak to him again, because after all, he is a 'man' now and must go and be completely subservient to the needs and wants of his wife. He must have no feelings of his own whatsoever, and he must be prepared to 'suck it up' and not ever feel stress or concern, because that is not how men should be.

Fuck off.

spad · 14/03/2015 09:02

No no no no no. I am sooo close with my own Mum and there is no way I would want her there.

My DH is the only person I'd want near me during any of it. You have NO IDEA how youll be and you don't want anyone witnessing you at your most VULNERABLE .

NameChange30 · 14/03/2015 09:13

To the PP whose dad NAMED her before her mum had woken up: Shock!! I would be livid!

Weebirdie · 14/03/2015 09:16

Spad, you dont want people witnessing you when you are at your most vunerable but others do, they want the help and dont care who see's what.

CrystalCove · 14/03/2015 09:23

the days should be long gone when a grown man needs his mother line that

What a nasty, twisted and cold attitude. Would it be ok for a grown woman to need support? I don't know what would be worse - thinking it's ok for a grown woman to need emotional support and therefore displaying archaic sexist attitudes or not thinking any grown person needs support when they are anxious, therefore displaying zero knowledge of human emotions and mental health.

Kerberos · 14/03/2015 09:32

Honestly I had so many other things going on the name was the last thing I would have kicked off about.

We hadn't decided on a name, not knowing whether baby was boy or girl but we did have a short list. The name DS2 has was on that short list and if I'd have had an objection it could have been changed. After nearly dying (oh the drama) I'm certain if I'd have objected it would have been fine. But everybody had been calling him that for 8 hours by the time I saw him - and by the time I'd recovered enough to really take it in it had stuck :)

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/03/2015 09:32

Bloody hell, there are some deeply un-empathetic and heartless attitudes on here!

Why is this man not allowed to be anxious about his wife having a C-section, and his baby being born this way?

Would people rather he didn't give a shit about her? What if he said to her, 'It's nothing to worry about - it isn't open heart surgery, after all!' - he'd be called all the names under the sun!

But he is not allowed to have a normal human emotion or need support. Confused

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/03/2015 09:37

My sons will get my support whenever they need it - even though the youngest turns 18 this year, and is technically an adult.

I would not trample on another person's feelings to do this - but my adult sons will get my support.

If I were the OP's MIL, I would want to keep my son company whilst she is in theatre, and when I was asked to leave, I would go, and I would wait to be invited back to meet the baby and to congratulate my DIL.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 14/03/2015 09:40

Maybe op needs to view it as if she was having GA due to her appendix being taken out. Would her DH need support then?

NameChange30 · 14/03/2015 09:42

This thread is getting pretty heated Hmm

I think it's understandable for a man to be anxious about his partner having a C-section under general anaesthetic. But is asking his mother to be with him the only or best way of dealing with that anxiety? Personally I don't think so. I would worry that he's still emotionally dependent on his mum and hasn't develop the emotional resources to deal with situations like that himself. It's not a gender thing. For me the birth (however it happens) is about the new family, parents and baby, and they should come first - other family second. He might feel better if his MIL is there, so if OP is fine with that, why not? But if she doesn't want MIL there I don't think it's his "right". Is there another family member or close friend that both of you would be happy to be there? Someone who is close to and supports both of you, and will be totally happy to leave as soon as you want them to?
If not I think he will be fine waiting by himself. He can always call his mum (or someone else) if he wants someone to talk to. And it might help him to do some positive visualisations or other techniques to help with his anxiety. Actually if he is an anxious person in general, that would probably help in the rest of his life too.
Agree with PP who suggested that before the birth he could hold a newborn so it's not so scary to hold his own. Also the midwife or whoever is giving him the baby will be able to show him how to do it, surely?!
Could he go to appointments with you so the consultant and/or midwife can discuss the process with you both? It might reassure him to understand what's likely to happen. If they are likely to keep him updated that would be good.
But ultimately even though it is understandable for him to be anxious and want support, OP is the one having an operation and a baby, so if there is a clash her needs and wishes have to come first. Sorry but that's how it is!

redcaryellowcar · 14/03/2015 09:43

Yanbu or selfish, might be worth suggesting to him that whilst you are coming round he will have tiny newborn to snuggle all to himself, that was the best bit of both of my babies being born, having just a little bit of time with them to myself. You could brief the mw that he's nervous first time dad and to sit him down first?

diddl · 14/03/2015 09:46

"and when I was asked to leave, I would go"

This is the thing though.

Wouldn't it be nice not to have to ask MIL to leave?

That she would go after the op & leave OP & her OH to themselves & the baby.

I think that quite a few people do allow parents to do something that they don't really want because they find it hard to say no to them/tell them what they really want.

Would MIL then be guilt tripping OPs partner to being allowed to see/hold baby as she sat with him during OPs op?

Who knows!