MIL being present at birth - (AIBS rather than AIBU?)

[Number3cometome]

Hi ladies,

More of a AIBS (selfish) rather than AIBU (unreasonable)

Due to have a C-section for my 3rd baby (OH's 1st) in July.

Will more than likely be 38 weeks and will definitely be under a general anaesthetic.

OH is not allowed in the room (fair enough) and will wait outside, but has now asked me if (future)MIL can come along.

I understand that he needs support, and (f)MIL is lovely, we get on well.

I'm just in two minds about it - are you even allowed two people there?

Any experiences?

OH said he is very nervous about being a first time Dad and would like the support whilst I am in recovery.

I'm thinking I would like to try and b/feed baby and have skin to skin as soon as I can and I also feel sad that other people will see my baby before me.

Am I being selfish?

Absolutely not.

OP, is she the type of person to be happy to disappear shortly after the baby is handed to your DH? Will she even be allowed in the delivery suite/just outside theatre where your DP will presumably be? (I have never seen waiting rooms in a delivery suite either!) She almost certainly won't be allowed in recovery with him and he's unlikely to hang about in a random corridor with his mum and baby anyway, even if she was allowed to be present.

There's a lot of 'ifs' which might make it impossible for her to be there anyway.

What type of woman is she? For me, it would really depend on the answer to that question. Mind you, becoming a grandmother for the first time seems to send some previously sane women completely loopy, so you never know!

Actually I don't need any support, I will be fast asleep!

OH is my support really, but I do feel for him sitting there worrying (as I would if the tables were turned)

This is so hard.

Why are people talking about this as if he will be there during the birth and she has no right to be there during these special moments? He won't be there during the birth, that's the whole point. He will be out in the waiting room alone, while his dp is undergoing major surgery! Of course he should have support.

Just clarify the fMIL should expect to have to cool her heels between you welcoming him in, and her being allowed what may be a VERY brief look in at the baby. Or, you could offer her a brief look ASAP, send her on her way and get on with the staring in loving wonder.

Yes it's magical and all, but most of us have to interact with various staff and ward mates, so a few minutes with the babys grandmother isnt THAT much of a hardship.

BirdInTheRoom

It's her third grandchild so hoping she will be calm haha!

Momagain1 I'm thinking your logic possibly makes more sense.

Let her support him, see the baby quick, then she can leave when he sees me in recovery?

WHY DO I FEEL JEALOUS!!

Where are these waiting rooms everyone keeps talking about?! I doubt the OP's DH will be sitting in a cafe somewhere - he will be just outside theatre waiting for his baby to be brought to him!!

BirdInTheRoom the anaesthetist said he will be waiting outside theatre, so assuming you are correct.

Does your DP think he's going to be waiting a long time? Perhaps you can reassure him that the baby will likely be born within about 15 mins of you going in.

OP, if you don't want anyone other than your OH to see or hold your baby before you then your OH needs to wait on his own until your baby is born and then wait just him and the baby until you come round when you will see your baby.

YANBU or selfish, how you feel is how you feel and as you are the only person who is giving birth your needs are the ones that matter on this day. From reading your posts it seems that your OH will be accepting of your feelings as he should be. Therefore all you need to do is tell your OH that that the only person you will have with you/ will be in hospital, is him. Job done. No more stressing required. Tell him today so he has time to mentally prepare.

You are not being anti MIL as from what I gather you don't want anyone other than you OH there. From some peoples reactions you would think you were saying that OH mum can't see the baby until it's 3!!

Do the posters who think this is an anti MIL thing have only sons? Not a sarky question, I have a son but would never push myself into his life with the sense on entitlement or desperation for 'equal treatment ' that some on MN seem to have, it's a sure fire way to be kept at arms length IMO.

My last baby was a planned c-section and the person before me had ELCS under general. She was in and out very quickly.

Actually I don't know - the anaesthetist said because of old scar tissue it will take longer, so I didn't want to tell him one thing, then scare the life out of him if it took twice as long?

I think the best thing would be for him to come to the next Consultant meeting with me and then they can explain.

I think he is feeling a bit overwhelmed, he thought I would be awake and being his first baby he is a bit nervous about holding him and being on his own with him (which I remember being the same with my first!)

My other two children who live with us are a fair bit older and not babies.

Can your OH not phone his mum for support whilst you are having the operation, have her being on the end of the line rather than in the room?

That way he can feel supported and her not be there?

What sort of lady is she? You say she is lovely, but these things can set the tone for the rest of your relationship. This could either be an amazing thing to have her bond with the baby as soon as possible, if she is there, or she could become Nannazilla.
Is this her first grandchild?
(sorry, thread is moving fast)

being his first baby he is a bit nervous about holding him to be honest, there will be midwives on hand for this, they arent going to let him drop the baby, especially if you point out his (hopefully unfounded) concerns?

Might it be possible for someone to pop their head around the door and tell him they are about to bring the baby out, so that his mum could tactfully remove herself, Number3? That way she wouldn't see the baby before you get to - which I absolutely appreciate would feel wrong.

I think the people who are saying that your dp doesn't need any support, should get a grip, man up etc, are wrong and very unkind. He is a person, with feelings too.

And frankly, if he wasn't anxious about his partner having major surgery, and his child being born by C-section - he'd be a bit of a heartless git, wouldn't he?

OP's DH has asked for this, not the MIL. If you can find a way where she is just there to support him and you still get to meet the baby first, then great. I think he's got a right to some support, as you have. DH was pretty traumatised by my first birth and took ages to get over it.

Ahh he's not heartless at all, he is a wonderful bloke.

He has been absolutely amazing during this pregnancy, but he does worry a lot. My ex (father of my other two) is a wanker, so this is rather refreshing.

LadyTmalia she's friendly and chatty and supportive, i've never heard her pass judgement and nothing she has ever said has offended me or anything.

Nah don't think she would be nanzilla, and really it's not even a case of her being the problem, more me being jealous.

He is worried he won't know what to do if the baby cries, what if he drops him, how to dress him etc.

Slagging her DH off isn't going to help

OP I totally get where you are coming from. I wouldn't want other people meeting my baby before me. YANBSelfish.

A better strategy is to build DH's confidence up beforehand. Is there anyone else's baby he could spend a little time with. TBH newborns - as far as I recall - just stare a bit and look around for a wee while then go to sleep so with luck there will be few parenting demands….

Much better for the baby to go to him and have skin to skin and cuddles than stay in recovery. He has this most amazing and unique opportunity to care and bond with the baby. He would be daft to share that with someone else, even his own mum.

It is ok to be jealous. It is ok not to want anyone but dp and staff with the baby before you.

The fear thing we have all been through . is it worth pointing out that mums don't magically know what to do with their first (and often have to cope alone outside visiting hours ). He is v lucky to have an expert as soon as you wake up. But until then mw's are well used to his situation.

No way should your MIL see your baby before you. Just no way.

I understand that your husband would like the support, but if I were you, i wouldn't want her anywhere near the situation - and you're totally within your rights to insist upon this imo.

Just reassure him that he will be fine. I had a crash caesarian under GA 9 months ago. It all happened very quickly. They took 7 minutes to get DS out of there. I was only out cold for 45 mins.

Now I appreciate that it was a worrying 7 minutes for my DH, but its not an enormous amount of time. He was then able to hold the baby (though there were loads of MWs floating around, so he was never entirely alone with him).

Your DP will be adequately supported and hopefully you won't be out of action for very long. It should be a moment for you and your DP to bond over your little family. I just don't think there's a role for MIL.

After DS was born, I had to go into surgery to get switched up. I remember that DH looked a little lost, having to suddenly look after a tiny wee without me. I honestly would not have given two hoots if my MiL had been there to help him, just as long as she left us to it, once I was out of recovery.

Now, I had at least met DS by this stage, so a different situation from yours, but I figure that there would be a lot less "man up" comments if you were going for say, cancer surgery...

Only you know your DH and MiL, so decide whether he will cope, or he will find the experience of meeting his first born after his wife has undergone major surgery less stressful with his mum there, and also whether MiL will give you the space you need as your new family...

And when exactly are we going to achieve equality if we are still berating men who feel a bit of emotion!

I'm so sad that so many posters have basically said that the father shouldn't feel anxious that his wife is going through major surgery. I would completely understand if my husband needed someone to keep him calm if we were in this situation - through experience I know how AWFUL it is waiting for someone you love to come out of major surgery and you not being able to do anything to influence the outcome. And in this case, it's not just major surgery but also all of that anxiety about being a new dad (I think that sometimes we can underestimate how overwhelming that can be for men (waiting for the backlash about 'well they're not giving birth etc etc)).

OP, I personally think you just need to talk to him about this. You should both be able to raise your concerns and feelings and there is a compromise to be reached. Neither of you is in the wrong for feeling the way you do, having a baby is an anxious emotional time even without the added stress of a general anesthetic. You'll figure this out as a couple I am sure.

For what it's worth, I told my family and my OH's family that I didn't want to see anyone the day of the birth. And my dad turned up anyway. And you know what, I forgave him, it wasn't the end of the world, I let him stay for 3 minutes and then told him to leave. I think he went to the cafe and bored all the old ladies to death talking about his new grandchild instead

LittleBairn, these things vary. I was taken to ward before I came round from the GA. The midwives had no time to support my husband, as I said they grabbed my bed and ran and he was just left standing in the room until they returned with baby.

I have had an emergency c section under general in the past and am also booked in for an elcs next week!
I was rushed in very quickly too with my last and didn't have time for thinking/goodbyes/consent or anything of the sort! Just knocked out!
My husband waited outside in a waiting room with a TV, he said he just paced for about the 40 minutes I was in, until someone came out to tell him all was well and show him our baby.
It sounded awful for him, I know how worried he must have been and he's told me what was going through his head, but it passed quite quickly, and if it all wasn't such a rush with no time to say goodbye etc. I can imagine it wouldn't have been quite so awful.
Anyways, he had asked his parents not to come down, I think he just preferred being alone to think (so different to your situation), however they turned up anyways, and it was just as I was waking up, so he had to leave my side to go see to them.
I was quite confused as you tend to be! I didn't know if the baby was ok etc. and had no one there to tell me anything, just had to wait for him to reappear a bit later as he had to go sort them out! So I think at that point, once I was out, we really would have appreciated being alone together and not having anyone else to worry about hovering around outside.
Being an emergency it also meant I was last to see the baby, literally everyone got to see her before me, both sets of parents and siblings, and at the time I didn't really think about it what with everything happening so fast, I was mostly in a daze. However looking back now, now that I am bonded with little one, it breaks my heart, and I often have a good cry about it when I think about it. Thankfully my husband had the initiative to tell them no one was allowed to hold her, so I was the first to do that a couple of days after the birth. Of course this might not be the case for you at all, but just wanted to point out it can hit you later :)
Anyways I guess my points are if you feel you need the support when you are coming round, and would like the company and time with your partner/baby, would it be a problem to ask her to leave, or when it came down to it would you not have the heart, but then miss that alone time with partner/baby.
Also in my c section coming up next week, I am only allowed one person in the recovery ward. So for the few hours after coming out I wouldn't be allowed any other visitors other than one birth partner, so would she be left alone somewhere, giving you guys more to worry about?
Whatever you decide, good luck! And tell him not to worry as you'll be fine!

Look, he doesn't need support. He's a grown man and will be fine.
So it's up to you