MIL being present at birth - (AIBS rather than AIBU?)

[Number3cometome]

Hi ladies,

More of a AIBS (selfish) rather than AIBU (unreasonable)

Due to have a C-section for my 3rd baby (OH's 1st) in July.

Will more than likely be 38 weeks and will definitely be under a general anaesthetic.

OH is not allowed in the room (fair enough) and will wait outside, but has now asked me if (future)MIL can come along.

I understand that he needs support, and (f)MIL is lovely, we get on well.

I'm just in two minds about it - are you even allowed two people there?

Any experiences?

OH said he is very nervous about being a first time Dad and would like the support whilst I am in recovery.

I'm thinking I would like to try and b/feed baby and have skin to skin as soon as I can and I also feel sad that other people will see my baby before me.

Am I being selfish?

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable actually.

Having had 2 c sections under GA don't underestimate how worrying it is. DP was alone during my first as it was all a bit of a rush. He said it was the worst 1/2 hour ever as nobody told him anything. I would have given anything for him to have someone with him then.

For my 2nd it was planned, and things went OK but I needed to go to ICU after. Having had DS2 at 2pm I didn't actually see him until 10pm. By which time both sets of parents had met him - and he'd been named. I would have hated for DP to do that alone. Fortunately my parents and my PIL are lovely lovely people who get on very well together.

5 years later and I still don't mind that I was the last one to meet DS2. He and DP did kangaroo care for hours after he was born. He was fed formula milk in those first few hours (via cup so I could BF) and it doesn't matter.

So, if your MIL is like mine and lovely please please consider letting her be there for him.

You don't sound selfish at all OP, you are clearly considering your DPs feelings on this, and that's lovely. I'd let him have his mum there waiting with him while you're having the baby, and see what you can do so that it's just you and him with baby as soon a a you wake up.

It's natural for you to feel jealous, that's your mothering instincts coming out, but remember that those instincts to look after your children will still be there when they're 30 years old and going through something as worrying as their partner having their baby under GA.

I've been in a similar situation op, and my advice is no, definitely not.

Mil rocked up at the hospital (with sil, and having had her hair done especially for the photos) 58 hours into my 60 hour labour. I ended up with an emergency c-section.

She then took a peek at dd as she was rushed to HDU, and spent the next 12 months telling me she felt sorry for me because she had seen my baby first.

She was there for my first hold, as I tried to get dd to latch etc and it caused a lot of friction between dh and I for months afterwards. He felt he'd needed the support, and I felt he'd let me down when I needed him most. He should have sent her home.

We are fine now, almost 4 years on, but the resentment took months to fade.

however please explain why you think the oerson not giving birth doesn't need support? If someone you loved was having a major operation wouldn't you need support?

I was the birth partner to both of my DIL because their mums live far away. My eldest daughter was also with us with us for a a few hours when one of my sons was called back to an emergency at work. And Im glad she was there because things went very wrong and I got a bit scared, but by then my son was back and we all managed together. Everything ended up ok after the baby was born by emergency C-Section and my son was with his wife during the Op. I made sure though that the first time any of us saw the baby ( the whole family was at the hospital by then because of the circumstances) was when we saw him with his mum and dad. It was a family time and my DIL is a daughter to me, it wasnt a 'me and my son/me and our brother, lets forget about mummy time'.

This kind of thing could be a minefield and if I was the Op I would do exactly what I wanted with a kid glove touch because it really doesn't have to involve aggro.

Giving birth is a special time for the parents. Unless the situation is that the mother would be on her own.

I'm a MIL and certainly would (did not) not want to intrude on this once in a lifetime moment!

I really can't understand why anyone would?

If mil came to be with your dh while the op was taking place would she be happy to then leave and not come into recovery? i completely understand your dh wanting someone with him as he waits but agree that you should have your wishes respected for recovery and be allowed to have your skin to skin etc uninterrupted.

My mum had an emergency c - section under general anaesthetic with me. She woke up to see a baby next to her dressed in an outfit she didn't recognise and with tags on with a name she hadn't agreed too. She thought I belonged to someone else. My dad had named me and dressed me in an outfit my nan had bought to the hospital. My mum struggled with pnd as a result. If you absolutely have to have a general, you need to do what ever you need to endure that it is a positive experience for you. YANBU

Crystal, no. I'd be giving support to them.

It's a C-section, not open heart surgery.

Honestly, where does this shit end? He needs support, so he want's his mummy. She's worried about her poor boy, so she needs her...who? Husband? Daughter? It's not a spectator sport. Suck it up.

All of the 'man up' comments are disgraceful. If this were a woman having to wait while her partner was having surgery, it would all 'awww hun, of course you need support'. Instead, we've got a man being honest and saying he needs some support and being roasted for it.

This MIL sounds like a reasonable human being, doesn't sound like she has tried to take over or be inappropriate in the past. Try speaking to her and being honest with her. I would have no problem supporting my son, then disappearing when I was no longer needed. I'm still HIS mother after all, and that doesn't shut off just because he is going to be a father himself. If he wants support, then I would be there.

However - a C-section is major abdominal surgery. Why shouldn't he be worried and want support? And if he can have that support without it upsetting the OP, why shouldn't he? As others have said, if she knows that the OP doesn't want her to see the baby before the OP has seen the baby, and will accept that and leave when asked, what possible harm could it do?

I really hate the nasty attitude some people seem to have, on here, towards the dads. No, they have no right to be concerned about someone they love having major surgery. They should man up. They don't deserve support.

It is perfectly possible for the OP to get what she wants and needs on the day of her C-section (and I absolutely agree, her needs and wants are paramount, and if there is any clash, she wins - no question), and for her dp to get some support too. As long as his mum is a reasonable person, and it sounds from her OP as if they get along well, so I assume she is a fairly reasonable person, both the OP and her partner can have what they need.

Spot on, MidniteScribbler - I find particularly offensive the suggestion that the OP's partner is behaving childishly because he is concerned and anxious about the OP during her C-section.

If he were off with his mates, or playing video games, or reading a book or doing a crossword, and not worried at all, he'd be called a heartless bastard, but because he is admitting to a normal human concern for the person he needs, he gets 'he needs his mummy' comments. Nasty.

However (and others in the 'he doesn't need support and needs to suck it up' club. I can only presume you've never had the experience of someone you love having major surgery (and yes actually a c-section is major surgery) under general anaesthetic. It's a very scary time. My ds had his finger stitched up under ga, so possibly the most minor operation going, and I would have hated to not have dh there for support. Would you scoff at someone wanting support while their partner had major abdominal surgery in any other situation or is it just because she happens to be giving birth at the same time?

As to whether mil is the woman for the job I'm glad to see the op is going to talk to her and her dh about this. Because as can be seen by the many experiences on this thread she could be either a blessing or a curse. That entirely depends on whether she's the sort of person happy to respect the op's wishes to provide the support to her son and then leave so she doesn't get to see the baby before the op. Or the sort of person likely to run rough shod over the op and her dh in order to get her ultimate aim of seeing the baby first and then crowing over them for all time.

Ultimately the op's wishes should be respected because it's her who is going through make surgery to give birth to their baby. But I don't see this as mutually exclusive with her dh being able to have Support.

Cross posted with SDTG. Totally agree with you

JT, perhaps they're there because they were asked to be there for any one, or two, or more, of a whole host of reasons.

I was also with my daughter, and will be with my other daughter if thats what she wants. In fact Ive been present at the birth of all 5 of my grandchildren. My SIL is squeamish and we knew from the start of each pregnancy he would be in the waiting room but that said he was very calm when his youngest child was almost born in the back of his car at the traffic lights next to the hospital after a 35 minute labour.

My sons wanted me to be there as did their wives because I knew first hand what it was like to have babies in a very foreign system and how overwhelming it can be.

It was a lovely experience for all of us coupled with the fact the Dr is also the family gynaecologist/obstetrician and has delivered all the babies as well as see the mums through the pregnancies.

It really is all about using your loaf and being sensitive to the occasion on the day, as well as the days that follow.

For god's sake. He doesn't need support, his wife does.

He may want it. He doesn't need it.

If my husband was having surgery where the chances of something going wrong were really bloody minimal, would I ask my mum to be there? No. Especially if he didn't want me to.

If the person giving birth wants her husband and her husband only, well, that's the way it should be.

He'll survive. Honestly.

Some people just thrive on drama.

To the OP - is your mum close by at all because if she is perhaps she could come to the hospital and wait with your MIL so they can both see the baby together - after you and your husband have had your time together as parents.

Im sorry if that was an insensitive question. xx

Whilst you are in recovery, I assume your dh will be holding your baby. Ready to pass him/ her to you for skin on skin as you wish and bf ASAP.

If his dm is there, it is very likely she will hold the baby as your dh will be nervous and she will want to help and hold her gc. If he is alone he will be able to hold his baby whether he is nervous or not, and have time whispering words of love to the child, and concentrating on being all for you and the baby, which he won't do if his mum is there.

His mum could wait with him, and your mum, and they keep each other company's whilst he waits by your bed on the ward or whatever with your newborn. Is your mil the type to go on and on about how she was the first to hold your baby?

However of course the world won't end if he doesn't have support. And the op has said that he wouldn't push it if she doesn't want mil there which is totally right. But why on earth if the person you loved asked for support would you not try and find a way for them to have that support? Why does the fact you (think) you wouldn't want it make you some sort of superior human being?

The fact that you persist in not only being totally unable to appreciate that he's not being a clingy wimp just because he is asking for some support too, but also being nasty about it isn't painting you in a good light to be honest

His mum could wait with him, and your mum, and they keep each other company's whilst he waits by your bed on the ward or whatever with your newborn. Is your mil the type to go on and on about how she was the first to hold your baby?

Yes, this

Bananabix please rtft. Or at least the op posts. She has pointed out more than once that she won't need support during the cs AS IT'S UNDER GA SO SHE WILL BE ASLEEP AND HER DH WON'T BE ALLOWED IN.

He doesn't need support, his wife does.

No she doesn't. She has specifically stated that she doesn't need support as she will be asleep and her OH will be her support when she is awake.

How do you know what her DP needs? Do you have some magical insight into his head?

The answer is that your MIL is there with her son until you are awake and then she can leave you both to bond with your baby.

What does he actually want?

Someone to sit with him for the duration of the surgery?

Someone to help him with the baby whilst you are in recovery?

Both?

If your MIL is as lovely as you say, perhaps you can talk to her about how you feel about her being there?

And to your OH of course.

Does he think that his mum would support him & then just clear off when no longer required?