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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say "please don't bring a present" on DD's birthday invitations?

215 replies

DryBetweenYourToesPlease · 24/02/2015 09:57

Is this acceptable behaviour? There will be 30 kids. I don't want people to have to bring anything/wrap stuff/spend money. Also, more selfishly, I also don't want to have to remember who got what. DD is 5.

P.S. Before the "THIS THREAD HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE" brigade leap in, yes, I'm sure it has. Just want your live, up-to-date opinions please. Smile

Many thanks.

OP posts:
Notso · 24/02/2015 10:01

I've never seen anyone ask for no presents. I have had people ask for charity donation or for cash towards a large item.

I think I'd probably ignore you and buy something useable or edible. I feel rude not taking anything, my DC would find it odd and it's not your party it's your daughters.

SaucyJack · 24/02/2015 10:01

No, it's not acceptable IMO.

The presents (will) belong to your daughter- not you. They are not yours to refuse.

Do you get given presents for your birthday?

glasgowlass · 24/02/2015 10:02

Perfectly acceptable.
DS1 had an invite recently staying the same. I spoke to the child's mum at school & asked if it would be ok to stick some money in a card for him as I didn't feel right about DS1 going to party empty handed. She said it wasn't necessary but if I wanted to do that then the child would put the money towards something he had been saving for.
The reason she gave when asked by someone else re the no present stipulation was that her son always ended up with way too much and he had said himself that he would rather his friends just enjoyed the party & didn't feel obligated to buy him a gift.

morgyworgy · 24/02/2015 10:02

Yabu
She's 5

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2015 10:03

As long as you wouldn't mind someone controlling whether you receive gifts on special occasions?

Why don't you just invite your DD's actual friends instead of 30 children, if remembering who bought what is a problem?

Sheitgeist · 24/02/2015 10:03

YANBU
Have you seen the joint parties thread? There was an ingrateful mother who apparently thought that parties were an expensive present-grabbing exercise!

You, on the other hand seem to want one purely for your child's pleasure! Good for you.
I think it's fine to write that, and many parents will be relieved. I hope your DD has a lovely day.

BullshitS70 · 24/02/2015 10:03

who cares who got what from who? You don't need to do 30 thank you letters to classmates

Just let your DC enjoy opening a mountain of presents, it only happens once or twice then parties get smaller

MagratsHair · 24/02/2015 10:04

I would probably find it odd, the gift is a reciprocal way to thank the birthday child for the invitation and for supplying them with food & play.

Its easy to keep track, just note down who brought what or else you coulld just put thank you for the gift on the thank you notes so you don't have to remember.

Bowlersarm · 24/02/2015 10:05

YABU

Your dc would like presents.

Your guests would like to give her a present.

I would bring a present anyway.

Darkforcesatwork · 24/02/2015 10:05

I've seen it done and may well do it this time round. But in place of a present they have (and I may well) asked for a donation to charity-either because of as specific humanitarian crisis at the time or charity of relevance to the child or their family. You can do what you want-even if you ask for nothing some people will still bring stuff as they just can't cope not doing it!

TiggieBoo · 24/02/2015 10:05

We went to a couple of parties that said no presents, I can't see any problem with that. I still put some money in a card, but that wasn't really expected.

NerrSnerr · 24/02/2015 10:06

What does your daughter think about it? Will she ask why her friend get gifts at their parties and she didn't get anything?

NickiFury · 24/02/2015 10:06

YABU. It's not YOUR birthday. This happens only a few times in childhood and is very exciting for a child, let her enjoy it.

however · 24/02/2015 10:08

I did the same for my kids. Most people respected my wishes. Some bought something small - a packet of pencils, etc.

When my daughter was invented to a no present birthday, she drew a picture for the birthday girl.

I'm lost as to why people get snarky about the idea.

Original poster
DryBetweenYourToesPlease · 24/02/2015 10:08

Thank you all for your responses.

DD would like presents, I'm sure. But she has so much stuff. And personally I think liking something in the short term is not always the best thing for someone long-term.

OP posts:
ZanyMobster · 24/02/2015 10:09

YABU, the presents are not for you. Why do you need to remember what she got, surely you just make a note of it or just do a generic thank you to everyone saying thank you for coming to the party and for the lovely presents.

Nolim · 24/02/2015 10:11

Yanbu

Original poster
DryBetweenYourToesPlease · 24/02/2015 10:11

the presents are not for you

Damn, and I was hoping for my very own Elsa outfit.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 24/02/2015 10:14

No. I don't think it's quite right for a child's party invitation. People might think you mean give money. I know you don't but that's what some will think.

Jackieharris · 24/02/2015 10:17

Yabu

  1. it's not a very nice thing to do to your dd
  2. if you don't want clutter/plastic tat, donate it to a charity shop/refuge
  3. you are assuming that people send thank you cards for 5yos birthday parties, only show offy parents do this.
  4. it sets a present other parents may feel obliged to follow at their parties- they may be reliant on birthday presents. Eg we had a deal with DCs that we could afford a party or presents so they always choose the party knowing that they will get presents from the guests.
  5. it makes you sound like a bit of a snob (your presents aren't good enough for my pfb) or show offy about your own wealth (our DC already has everything and doesn't need more stuff).

It's a very very bad idea.

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2015 10:17

Why are you buying into this 'whole class' party thing, if you're worried about her getting too many presents?

Or does she actually have 30 really close friends who she socialises with?

If that's the case, I'm surprised she can find time to attend a party.

Original poster
DryBetweenYourToesPlease · 24/02/2015 10:20

Worra, I have my reasons for doing a whole class party, which I have thought through carefully and don't really want to get into.
It's not really what I was asking about.

OP posts:
Notso · 24/02/2015 10:21

Why don't you just invite your DD's actual friends instead of 30 children

Totally agree with this.

I'm always baffled when the parents on these kind of threads say their child would be overwhelmed by 30 presents but they are never overwhelmed by 30 excitable party goers.
I think the politest way to handle presents is not to discuss them unless asked, and always be grateful.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 24/02/2015 10:22

Dont most people buy "consumable" presents for class parties anyway? Stickers, sweets, pens, the sort of stuff that just gets used up?

Pretty mean to deprive a five year old of the chance of opening loads of little presents.

Floggingmolly · 24/02/2015 10:22

Liking something in the short term is not always the best thing for someone in the long term
It won't be long term. Whole class parties only happen for a year or two at most. If it's a genuine concern; why are you inviting the whole 30 children?