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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say "please don't bring a present" on DD's birthday invitations?

215 replies

DryBetweenYourToesPlease · 24/02/2015 09:57

Is this acceptable behaviour? There will be 30 kids. I don't want people to have to bring anything/wrap stuff/spend money. Also, more selfishly, I also don't want to have to remember who got what. DD is 5.

P.S. Before the "THIS THREAD HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE" brigade leap in, yes, I'm sure it has. Just want your live, up-to-date opinions please. Smile

Many thanks.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 24/02/2015 12:25

What if she's been to classmates' parties and seen them open presents. Then it comes to her party and she doesn't have any presents from classmates to open? She's only 5, still at that stage of wonder and excitement; she won't be able to process upset feelings very well. Or, maybe you want that? Some parents do, even if they won't admit it. You don't want to remember who got what...so? Just try. Im vaguely wondering why you need to use your DDs birthday party to make a worthy point...the (very few) parents Ive known who do this kind of thing are the type who love attention, everything has to be about them, a fanfare about everything.

Original poster
DryBetweenYourToesPlease · 24/02/2015 12:32

Thank you all for the posts. Especially for all the relevant and reasonable ones. Smile

There is no way to say it that doesn't sound snotty.
This is exactly my problem, Lambzig. It's really difficult to phrase.

sleeponeday, absolutely agree about it being a bit sad to remain so conformist by default. "Seeming weird" really is the least of my worries.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 24/02/2015 12:34

I don't think it'll sound snotty. Or, put another way, and if some of the responses here are a guide, whatever you put someone will decide to take offence at it, so .

'No presents, please! Just your company.' I know it's a bit cheesy but I think it does the job.

Notso · 24/02/2015 12:37

When DS1's friend had his 8th birthday his cousin of the same age had leukemia. He went up to all the parents of the friends he'd invited to his party and asked them not to buy him anything but to donate to the hospital that was treating his cousin. His Mum was totally surprised, it was completely from him.
Most people made a donation and got him a present. It was a lovely thing for him to do.

When it's done on behalf of a 3,4 or 5 yo child it just seems to come across as either we don't want your crappy present or we're so worthy, stuff is just like, is totally not important to us.

fromparistoberlin73 · 24/02/2015 12:38

yabu!

purely cos you can open, and the ones you dont like/dont need you can regift

Thats big dollars saved

Thumbwitch · 24/02/2015 12:44

I tried it for DS1's 5th birthday party - didn't work. They were all parents I knew from playgroup/preschool, so as well as putting it on the invitation (can't remember how I worded it, sorry) I did mention it too - and they still mostly gave him presents.

I can see why - after all, it's the child's birthday party, he's going to expect presents! But this was his first one, so I thought I might get away with it - nope.

Since he started school, of course, not a hope in hell - he's seen other children's parties and the presents they get - I couldn't even attempt to put him through it, even if other people did co-operate (which they probably still wouldn't).

Last party went better though because he had a themed party and lots of people managed to buy him stuff around that theme, and not even stuff we already had! We had one duplicate, and the mum in question said to me she would give me the receipt if it turned out to be a duplicate (which it did) - luckily I also had the receipt of the item I had bought him so used mine instead, saving her the trouble of finding her receipt, and got him an alternative.

The only thing that concerns me now is how much some people spend on presents! I tend to spend relatively little but get as good a present as I can for that (i,e, no tat) but other people spend far more than I would and that bothers me. :(

Thumbwitch · 24/02/2015 12:48

As to remembering who gave what - well, there seems to be prevailing trend here that children devote the last part of their party to opening the presents while their friends watch. Not my idea of a good time, but the children are used to it - and it allows DS1 to thank each child for their present as they go, thus obviating the need for thank you notes, or for me needing to remember/know who gave what (although MIL did write on each opened gift who it was from, most of them were in a box of some kind)

WipsGlitter · 24/02/2015 12:53

There's something a bit smug about it, and that's what puts me off. Although I feel your pain (not about the thank you notes - totally unnecessary and nouveau!). Both mine have birthdays close to Christmas and they just end up with so much stuff.

That's probably why the mothers at Myleene Class' kid's school club together - far better idea!

Interesting thumb the trend here is NOT to open the presents to avoid embarrassment if there's duplication or the child reacts badly/ungratefully.

SamanthaandSamaris · 24/02/2015 12:55

YABU I am afraid.

I wouldn't want to come to a party without bringing a present, and I don't want my DC to think it is OK to go somewhere empty-handed either.

Reading "Please don't bring a present" seems really controlling and would throw me into turmoil. I'd still want to bring a present, I probably would still bring a present, I would spend ages agonising over a non-tat present that might be deemed acceptable to your presumed high standards , I would feel highly awkward handing it over under the disapproving stare of the party-mother - and perhaps all the other people who hadn't bought a present and were now maybe feeling bad, and it would turn it (for me) into a huge issue. In fact, I'd probably go so far as to decline the invitation! Blush

I think the only thing you can say is something like Please don't feel obliged to bring a present.

Or get your DD's best friend's mum in on it, and get her to suggest everyone donates £1 (better if the suggestion comes from her than from you) and all get your DD a joint gift maybe?

Thumbwitch · 24/02/2015 12:59

Well yes, Wips - and that's how I was brought up too - but I've found it's easier/I have to go with the trend of this 'ere place now I'm here!
I schooled DS1 before his party to just smile and say thanks if there were any double ups, because he'd had his birthday 3 days before and I knew there was a risk there'd be duplicates, and I have to say he did really well; but the child in question had already changed her gift once (he took one of his new toys into school to show people, and it was the one she'd already got him) so she was insistent on asking if he already had it - he just looked at me all agonised, wondering what to say! I took over for him and we brushed through it without wounding her feelings.

Nicola19 · 24/02/2015 12:59

Poor DD not getting any presents at her party, I can't bear to think of it! Frightful and controlling behaviour.

BullshitS70 · 24/02/2015 13:01

No, Op, you misunderstand, people are saying that your son will be seen as a bit weird and out of touch (as well as you, but that's a non issue as you don't care), but if that's the situation you want, then go right ahead.

HTH

OnlyLovers · 24/02/2015 13:05

What's smug about asking for no presents? Confused And why would it cause such stress and 'turmoil' to some of you? Isn't it shut much simpler to read the invite, mentally clock 'no presents please' and think 'OK, right, now let's get it in the diary. What will my DC wear?' and, you know, get on with your life?

I just can't imagine spending any time or energy poring over invites and deciding if they're 'smug' or 'controlling' or 'mean' or 'weird'.

Poor DD not getting any presents at her party, I can't bear to think of it! Yes, won't somebody think of the children? Hmm

WipsGlitter · 24/02/2015 13:23

it's smug because it smacks of 'we don't need any more possessions or things our lives are rich enough without them'. And it sort of implies a judgement on parents who do let their parents receive presents.

Just my opinion.

pollypocket99 · 24/02/2015 13:24

I don't think it's for you to decide whether people and or can't bring a present for your child, and it's presumptuous to assume they will!

Part of growing up is learning about giving and doing things for other people and, for the recipient, the surprise factor of receiving and unwrapping a gift. It is good for children to learn about manners, politeness and the custom of giving a gift to someone who has invited you to a party/social gathering.

I wish parents would stop being so overbearing and meddling with such innocent things as children giving birthday gifts - it's not just about the actual item but the gesture is equally important!

Don't organise such a big party if you don't want the hoo ha that goes with it.

Nolim · 24/02/2015 13:26

Glitter as you say it is your opinion.

I disagree. I think it is a personal and perfectly understandable decision.

nancy75 · 24/02/2015 13:31

A parent at my dd's school did this a couple of years ago. Most of the other parents felt really awkward about not buying a gift when attending a party. Most of the parents bought something anyway (I think the little girl ended up getting a lot of books as people felt this was a compromise) It led to lots of whispered conversations in the playground about what to do as most people wanted to respect the wishes of the parent but felt horrible for the child.

Personally I wouldn't do it. If you really can't face 30 lots of plastic tat maybe put something like don't feel you have to buy a gift but if you want to we are tight for space so please no toys but dd does love books/colouring pencils/whatever

OnlyLovers · 24/02/2015 13:36

it's smug because it smacks of 'we don't need any more possessions or things our lives are rich enough without them'. And it sort of implies a judgement on parents who do let their parents receive presents.

Neither of those would EVER have occurred to me. I'm really saddened that people might go round thinking this badly of others.

DopeyDawg · 24/02/2015 13:42

Awww.

Let your Dd have her pile of special gifts from her big group of invitees.

Just take a pic of her surrounded by tat and print it on an A4 sheet headed: 'Thank you for coming to my Party! I had a lovely time. Much love XXX'.

ClaudiaNaughton · 24/02/2015 13:43

In Scotland, many years ago, it would have been looked on as very bad form if No Presents Please was not written at the bottom of the invitation. I remember my mother explaining that it would be far too much to have 20-30 presents. I only remember one party where this was not done, and it was someone not from UK. These were parties where the whole class was invited. No one was ever left out.

DopeyDawg · 24/02/2015 13:46

And, what pollypocket99 says!

Quiero · 24/02/2015 13:48

A few parents of children whose parties we've been to have done this. I always assume they're just trying to be kind so I always get a present anyway.

Honestly, it's not worth the hassle. Also, there is a very easy way of dealing with it. No presents open at the party. Everything gets opened later and you sit with a notepad and write down who got what.

sparkysparkysparky · 24/02/2015 13:48

I did "just bring yourself" for Halloween party invites but even though I dread the pile of stuff, I wouldn't say it for a birthday party invite. It's not stuff for me it's stuff for my dc ( and every clear space in our house Angry ). It's part of the excitement.
And it's not show offy to send Thank you notes, it's just nice if you fancy doing them. And DC enjoys doing it.
Stuff can find its way to a charity shop if it's not wanted.

Quiero · 24/02/2015 13:50

It is important to note who brought which gift to avoid regifting it back to the same person Grin

ClumsyNinja · 24/02/2015 13:50

YANBU.

I'm thinking of doing the same for almost 6yr DS.