to say "please don't bring a present" on DD's birthday invitations?

[DryBetweenYourToesPlease]

Is this acceptable behaviour? There will be 30 kids. I don't want people to have to bring anything/wrap stuff/spend money. Also, more selfishly, I also don't want to have to remember who got what. DD is 5.

P.S. Before the "THIS THREAD HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE" brigade leap in, yes, I'm sure it has. Just want your live, up-to-date opinions please.

Many thanks.

yanbu. ds had a whole class party for his 5th. seriously there was a shocking pile of gifts . more than we could store. He wasn't even aware of the presents, he was just happy to have a big party.

I asked for no presents for dd's whole class 5th party. The ones who did bring gifts brought small items.

Thanks again - I'm reading and digesting the advice/suggestions.

I should perhaps reiterate that the main concern here is not that I mind being "lumbered" with "plastic tat" (although perhaps 10% of my motivation is pragmatic). The main thing is that I don't think DD needs 30 presents (and to say that any child "needs" such things is highly dubious), and I would prefer that people did not feel they had to have the trouble and expense of bringing/buying them. I would also like to make a tiny contribution to the idea that it is not neccessary for kids' parties to involve loads of presents, by stating this.

As for this not being "my" decision to make... well, there are many, many decisions about my 4yo DD which I feel more qualified to make than she currently is. To have the conviction to make some of them is, in my opinion, a crucial part of being a parent.

She doesn't need a party either.

Yabu

People are being kind - what example are you setting by refusing kindness to your child , and by role modelling selfishness because you can't be arsed to remember who bought what...

It's not THAT difficult - my DD when younger had parties of about 30 and we wrote each present down as she opened it.

meglet, really interested to hear that you did that. Sounds brilliant. Was your DD eternally scarred?

Ed, no of course she doesn't need a party. But I would like to give the opportunity for lots of kids to have a nice time together, to repay some of the kind invitations DD has had to others' parties, to include some kids who I know have had trouble fitting in this year, and to give DD a birthday treat on us.

YANBU

But I tend to hate baby showers, and wedding registries etc and refused both for myself. I wanted people to come celebrate with me without the expectation that they should bring something for us. My MIL argued the case with me for ages but I was determined and told everyone no gifts although we ended up with vouchers anyway

So I feel the same for children's parties. I want people to celebrate their birthdays without feeling the need to give something back.

it's smug because it smacks of 'we don't need any more possessions or things our lives are rich enough without them'. And it sort of implies a judgement on parents who do let their parents receive presents.

I find this odd. Not wanting anyone to bring gifts says nothing about what I think of other parents who do things differently and it does not imply that we are rich enough without them and if anyone thinks asking for no gifts is smug then I wouldn't care too much because that is their problem. If they decide to read more into it and put a horrible slant on it then that says more about how they think than I do.

Of course some people will ignore it and bring gifts anyway but I would find it very refreshing to get an invite that asks for no presents.

You're essentially telling me that you need to fill the venue but that I am so far beneath you (in status, money, brain, whatever) that nothing I could possibly bring would be good enough for your already perfectly provided for DC.

Or alternatively, I would be telling you that I am just happy to have your child celebrate with mine and I don't want you to feel the need to buy a gift.

Whoever thought that asking people not to bring gifts for a child's party would result in people thinking that the parent feels they are beneath them and judging their parenting That would not even enter my head.

Neither of those would EVER have occurred to me. I'm really saddened that people might go round thinking this badly of others.

I assume they are either really insecure and project those insecurities onto others or they just horrible views of people and tend to look at the worst in people.

what example are you setting by refusing kindness to your child , and by role modelling selfishness because you can't be arsed to remember who bought what...

Bollocks. 'Kindness' is not only expressible through bringing presents. Parents at a party could role-model kindness in, say, letting another child 'win' a game, passing them a drink/cake, talking to a child who was on their own, helping clear something up ...

I think it's a pretty good example to set to help the DD see that a party can be fun, and her friends can show that they love her, without presents being involved. It's also a nice and thoughtful thing to pass on to a DD that the OP would like people not to feel they had to go to the trouble and expense of bringing presents.

I think it's a worse example to set to pick apart all the different things that 'no presents please' could possibly mean (like smugness, meanness, judgement) and to go against a parent's clearly and politely expressed wishes.

U2, yes, I agree.

Perhaps your main concern can be shifted by having an attitude of kindness towards those who want to show it?

It won't all be plastic tat . Some people will ask what DD wants - why not say " don't worry about a present she will be over the moon to have your DC there".

Tbh I wouldn't want my DC going to a party where the mother seemed so prescriptive about whether MY child could give a gift .It would really put me off the family .

Yabu

Stop over thinking your dd FIFTH party.... My dd is almost 5 and loves choosing a little gift for her friends.

It's becoming a little joyless even before the party begins....

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas wanting to do something to someone else that they have asked you not to is not kindness it is selfishness. What on earth are you teaching your children?

what example are you setting by refusing kindness to your child , and by role modelling selfishness because you can't be arsed to remember who bought what...

Well, like OnlyLovers said much better than I ever could, I would be modelling that you can celebrate with others without expecting gifts because people's company is enough.

I think that is pretty darn kind myself.

I can't believe that so many people would put their shit onto others and come out with these really strange views

Rina you're not reading my post properly and have completely misinterpreted it.

Shunning kindness and thoughtfulness is not a kind thing to do.

Regardless of what the invitation said DS would bring something anyway. A gift voucher and sweets of some sort probably.

I always take some sort of token of appreciation when enjoying someone else's hospitality. If I was going to an adult's party I would take a bottle and/or a present and I will encourage DS to do the same. It's just a nice thing to do.

U2 i agree. It is almost as is being considerate is bad because it makes people look bad.

So, for those who think this is OK, is this wording acceptable:

please don't feel you have to bring a present - [PSB] would just love your company

(or shall I go with "Because I'm a smug arsehole, please keep your filthy Hello Kitty calendars to yourself"?)

I've not read the whole thread but just wanted to add that I did this a couple of weeks ago for my 5yo DD and it worked really well. We invited about 22 children - 1 brought a present, 2 gave money/gift card (which i politely returned and the parents were happy with) and the rest did as we had asked - a few put a pencil or a necklace into DDs birthday cards which was nice as it was just a token gift and everybody brought her a card which she was pleased about as she is just learning to read. All in all it was good and I had one or two parents commenting on what a good idea it was so YANBU.

Bee, how did you phrase it, if you don't mind my asking

Feel sad for those people that feel they have a right to inhibit how others can express gratitude - especially when it involves children.

It just reeks of self absorption.

Fortunately I have never come across mothers like this in all my years of doing children's parties.

have you asked your 5yr old if it is ok if their friends don't bring presents? If she is used to taking presents to parties surely she will wonder why no one brings any for her?

I would never deny my kids presents from their friends, it seems really mean. But I wouldn't do a 30-kid party either.

That wording is fine.

But please don't go returning gift cards unless you've actually expressly asked people to bring nothing.

Yanbu.

I did this for dds 5th birthday too. She has so much crap stuff and gets spoilt lots. I don't see the problem in it. We invited her new class mates along from reception.

A handful brought a gift or some money.

Yabu.
Why do you need to put that on the invite? It seems unnecessarily controlling.
People will either bring a present or not. Why not let them decide and you concentrate on the party?

My dc always liked choosing presents for their friends, I think it helps dc to become more thoughtful and not selfish.