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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say "please don't bring a present" on DD's birthday invitations?

215 replies

DryBetweenYourToesPlease · 24/02/2015 09:57

Is this acceptable behaviour? There will be 30 kids. I don't want people to have to bring anything/wrap stuff/spend money. Also, more selfishly, I also don't want to have to remember who got what. DD is 5.

P.S. Before the "THIS THREAD HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE" brigade leap in, yes, I'm sure it has. Just want your live, up-to-date opinions please. Smile

Many thanks.

OP posts:
BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 24/02/2015 20:18

Agreed Nannyogg.

ButterflySoul · 24/02/2015 21:39

Saying the OP is mean, joyless (for heaven's sake!), mean-spirited and all the various other adjectives that have been used here is just so over-the-top, even if you don't agree with the concept of 'no presents'. It's a party! If it were for adults, you would all just bring yourselves and your own alcohol. The OP's child will enjoy the party with or without presents, and will doubtlessly receive gifts from family for the whole 'present opening' thing. You don't need 30+ gifts for that, as I think the OP is fully aware and is just trying to find the right way to put it in the invitation. There is nothing intrinsically mean or offensive about asking people NOT to buy things!

usualsuspect333 · 24/02/2015 21:48

Of course it's joyless.

If I was going to an adult birthday party I would take a present.

lotsofcheese · 24/02/2015 21:58

DS was recently invited to a party, which stipulated "no presents" on the invitation. Apparently, the child's parents felt she had enough "stuff" already.

I felt that was very controlling especially the grandmother who seemed to be behind it

We gave some chocolate in a little bag, as I didn't feel right about turning up open-handed.

mommy2ash · 24/02/2015 22:09

i would feel really odd turning up to a party without a present.

ThunderAndFrightening · 24/02/2015 22:19

DD's friend did this. 6th birthday party. Invite said 'no presents please'. No one took a present. It wasn't a big deal.

VikingLady · 24/02/2015 22:24

I don't have a problem regifting some of my child's presents. Some gifts are unsuitable in my eyes, and I would never be rude enough to hand them back to the giver - what else do you do with them? Or with duplicates?

And yes, they specified a cash amount. "It doesn't have to be more than £10" iirc!

Thumbwitch · 24/02/2015 23:15

I wouldn't regift a present unless it was a duplicate and I couldn't get a receipt to return/exchange it. I currently have a Hungry Hippos sitting in my cupboard though because it was a gift (and we already have it) but I keep forgetting it whenever we have to buy a gift for a party!

murmuration · 24/02/2015 23:22

I imagine my problem with re-gifting an unsuitable present is that if I think it is unsuitable, why would I give it to another child? DF gave us some toys for DD that we really don't like. I don't want to give them to someone else, leaving them to think that is the sort of thing I like!

OnlyLovers · 25/02/2015 10:29

Of course it's joyless. If I was going to an adult birthday party I would take a present.

A friend of mine has, and explicitly puts on her birthday invites, a 'no-present policy'. Everyone adheres to it (because it's, you know, HER choice).

Her parties are never, I can report, joyless.

For children's parties, if their family feels they have enough stuff already and requests no presents, and you take one anyway, IMO you are being boorish and ignorant.

scalliondays · 25/02/2015 12:46

Blimey op you're getting some stick - yanbu. When my dd was in p1 she was keen to have a magician in a church hall and invite all of her class of 20 (obviously not all came). We were not keen for her to have 20 presents so we discussed with her that her friends outwith school could bring presents as usual but that we would request school friends to 'bring themselves only but that they could make a donation to charity if they wanted'. I worried about sounding pretentious but it wasn't done on that spirit and it was fine. Sadly only one family told us that they had made a donation to a neonatal charity but dd was pleased by that. Interestingly 2 families told us what a great idea it was but went on to have standard bring a present parties. I think a couple of friends came who might have struggled to afford a present. Dd had a reasonable number of presents to open on the day and was happy and it was a good lesson imo for her that having her friends there was the important thing. With hindsight I really wish that we had said that we were collecting pens, pencils, art stuff etc for the charity Mary's Meals who send school supplies to Africa and provide a daily meal to school kids. Maybe you could do this and include one of their leaflets? - that way presents can be brought, a good party had,tthe child gets to open things and can learn the satisfaction of helping other kids.

CavalierQueenCharlotte · 25/02/2015 12:59

I usually hate these but you sound perfectly reasonable and l think you can pull it off without coming across like a smug git (please do t buy Tarquin gifts, he is writing a special play for his 4th birthday in Mandarin and French about recycling so doesn't want plastic or paper in the house). I much prefer your op which sounds a bit can't be arsed combined with being jolly and generous. All the best.

bearleftmonkeyright · 25/02/2015 13:51

I'm really struggling to see what is joyless about saying "come to my party and just have fun". I think it is far better than a soul sucking search around BandM.. I have tried involving my DC when they were younger in gift buying but they inevitably chose things that were just too expensive, as I was on a very limited budget. Somebody upthread said their DC had got given a Hungry Hippo game. They were going to re gift it. That is approximately an hours wages for many people. Just to sit in someones draw.

memememum · 25/02/2015 14:44

YANBU to have a think about it and decide either way. I had a think about doing it for our dd's 4th and 5th birthdays. I decided not to, but if anyone asked what she'd like I said please just something small.

In general for these 2 particular birthdays kids round here have big parties and I just presume that parents find a source of many small inexpensive presents (like I do - charity shop or an unwanted present). The children love giving each other presents and just a little something is absolutely fine.

maninawomansworld · 25/02/2015 18:01

Do it.
Think of all that unwanted plastic rubbish that will clutter up your house. You don't need that.

Starlightbright1 · 25/02/2015 21:35

Do you know when I take my DC to a party, they supervise him for 2 hours, feed him, either provide a party or pay entrance and give him a party bag for attending so least I can do is send a present

Madamecastafiore · 25/02/2015 21:36

Bloody hell you're like the fucking grinch.

You don't want your kid to get presents because you can't be arsed with thank you cards??

ToBeeOrNot · 25/02/2015 21:55

I'm always amazed at the posts along the lines of 'do you refuse presents at your birthday party?' as I have never given or received presents at birthday parties thrown for adults. I thought this was pretty usual but apparently not.

ButterflySoul · 25/02/2015 22:10

Well, there you go, DryBetweenYourToesPlease - this has probably given you an answer as to how your idea would be received amongst parents, if Mumsnet users represent anything like an accurate guide to normal parent reactions. It seems to range from, 'Great! Thanks for the invite!' to 'You are a joyless grinch, destroying the spirit of childhood and I spit on you.'

bearleftmonkeyright · 25/02/2015 22:14

^^Grin

foreverondiet · 25/02/2015 22:52

I am torn on this. I don't want the clutter and tat either.

Its Ds2's 5th birthday soon and I will tell him he can keep half and rest to charity collection for children who have less toys than him.

handandshrimp · 26/02/2015 01:49

haven't RTFT. I did this on DD's 1st birthday, for the main reason that we wanted the party to be a big thank you to all the people who had supported us through the first year (no family in the country) and been part of DD's life. Didn't necessarily want people to do the stress of "OMG what to bring" but rather just turn up and enjoy themselves. We invited LOADS of people and had catered food etc.

She got heaps of gifts, people just brought anyway. Took her a couple of days to open them all, don't think she would have minded either way, being one. In future and with hindsight though, I wouldn't stipulate 'no gifts' now.

Thumbwitch · 26/02/2015 01:59

Adult birthday parties, unless family or really close friends, usually involve taking a bottle of something, IME. That's it. No other present.

sleepywombat · 26/02/2015 05:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chimchar · 26/02/2015 06:45

Years ago, One Mum broke the present tradition for the whole class party.

The invitation said something or other like 'Please do not feel obliged to bring a present. If you would like to bring a gift, a £1 coin in a card would be much appreciated as Jonny is saving up for a pair of roller skates, and would love to remember that his friends had helped him to buy them'

Or something like that. It took off and is used now for most big parties. Even better when it is a joint party...a quid each in a card makes for an easy life for party goers parents, and each child gets a pile of coins to spend on something they want.