Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say "please don't bring a present" on DD's birthday invitations?

215 replies

DryBetweenYourToesPlease · 24/02/2015 09:57

Is this acceptable behaviour? There will be 30 kids. I don't want people to have to bring anything/wrap stuff/spend money. Also, more selfishly, I also don't want to have to remember who got what. DD is 5.

P.S. Before the "THIS THREAD HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE" brigade leap in, yes, I'm sure it has. Just want your live, up-to-date opinions please. Smile

Many thanks.

OP posts:
BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 24/02/2015 14:27

Where will you draw the line?

I can't stand the party bags that DC come home with but accept them graciously and I teach my DC too ...

Or should I start to drop my DC off at parties and say "oh by the way thanks for the invite but we don't want party bags thanks or any of your cake".

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 24/02/2015 14:27

Where will you draw the line?

I can't stand the party bags that DC come home with but accept them graciously and I teach my DC too ...

Or should I start to drop my DC off at parties and say "oh by the way thanks for the invite but we don't want party bags thanks or any of your cake".

Nolim · 24/02/2015 14:33

Blessed i think that the difference is that it is expected for a guest to bring a gift but it is not required for the hosts to give a party bag.

I have known cases of kids not going to a party because they couldnt afford a gift. It is a shame , what should mater is the company not the gift.

benbobby · 24/02/2015 14:35

Why is this even an issue?

HeeHiles · 24/02/2015 14:36

A friend of mine did this for her dd's birthday citing lack of space, although I would hate to go to a small child's party empty handed so we brought socks and hair clips.

benbobby · 24/02/2015 14:37

When I was five, way back in 84, kids came around, played for a bit and got a goodie bag. I'm missing something. How did it become so complicated????

Starlightbright1 · 24/02/2015 14:44

I think you are over thinking it..My DS had loads of presents and there was a few toys he loved it would never of crossed my mind to give him.

I have told people to buy him a comic as he would love it in recpetion..no one did.

if your daughter would like them can no reason to deny her when she will go to many other parties and see lots of presents.

OnlyLovers · 24/02/2015 14:46

Feel sad for those people that feel they have a right to inhibit how others can express gratitude - especially when it involves children. It just reeks of self absorption.

That's SUCH torturous thinking! Confused 'inhibit how others can express gratitude' ... really?

Fucks's sake.

And isn't it more self-absorbed to read someone's clearly expressed wishes and then disregard them?

OP, I think your wording is good.

Original poster
DryBetweenYourToesPlease · 24/02/2015 14:47

Thanks OnlyLovers

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 24/02/2015 14:47

I don't think it's "mean" to deprive a child of the chance to open 30 presents at once - or I must have had a v. "deprived" childhood myself Hmm

I think it's bonkers to go with what a 5yo thinks is best, not make an adult decision on her behalf

I think it's rude not to send thank you letters when you get a gift

MN is a whole parallel world to me sometimes

MojaveWanderer123 · 24/02/2015 14:55

I think it's nice how you just want everyone to enjoy themselves and not worry about presents but it's part of the whole birthday experience.
Don't really need to send thank you cards as surely just saying it verbally when your child is given the present is enough.

Sallystyle · 24/02/2015 15:02

Poor little precious snowflakes, not getting to open 30 gifts from friends on their birthday on top of all the presents from family. So mean!!!

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 24/02/2015 15:21

If your only experience of children's parties was parents who put £5 in an envelope for your DC instead of "plastic tat" - would you still be telling parents and children not to send presents?

If your motivation is to let people attend without feeling the need to buy something then just tell people that presents are not optional/not expected ,and let people make up their own minds ,instead of instructing others on whether they may or may not give a gift to your DC -and be grateful about it. Your approach needs to be more courteous.

OnlyLovers · 24/02/2015 15:24

Are you just shit-stirring now, Blessed? There is NOTHING discourteous about an invite that says 'Please don't feel you have to bring a present - [PSB] would just love your company'.

Please can you point out where in that wording is any suggestion of 'instructing' people to do anything, because I'm buggered if I can see it.

bearleftmonkeyright · 24/02/2015 15:30

I haven't rtft. But yanbu. I wish more parents would do this. There have been threads on here before where people have worried about sending DC to a party with no present because they dont have the money. Its ridiculous and is never going to end. It kind of makes me sad.

Darkforcesatwork · 24/02/2015 16:06

Can't believe the responses on here! How many mothers regularly think-oh god, another 3 party invitations, don't know the kids, what do I buy? How many people moan about the amount they have to spend on presents for kids they have never even met? People feel obliged to bring a present to a party. The whole kids' birthday party thing has turned into an exchange of a present in return for a super-dooper party and a plastic bag full of tat to take home again. Where has the celebration gone? Where has the fun gone? Yes birthday parties have become a tradition but they used to be a fun gathering at home, party tea, silly games and just having fun without obligation on either side to give presents or party bags. Now since many kids get to do fantastic activities on the weekends, to visit great attractions etc and also have so many material things because we are a wealthy first world country, the whole party has got completely out of hand (be it kids' birthdays, hen/stag do, wedding, christening etc) as little things are no longer considered enough. I think OP is right to shun this, we are too bloody materialistic particularly shown by the posters who have said just give stuff you don't want to charity. What a bloody waste of resources and money!
A 5 yr old won't care. If you tell them they are having a big party but there won't be presents then that is what they will expect. For the posters who are so completely offended by the suggestion of being asked not to bring something-when does it stop? Do they still take gifts when they are off to an 18 yr old piss up? At 14 when they all go and hang out-to they arrive with a parcel decked with ribbons? The need to give a present is almost like your payment for attending the party and guess what-not everyone on the planet expects that! You can come to a party, have fun and not have to "pay" for the privilege in the form of an un-needed gift. Get over yourselves for god sake!
OP YADNBU!!

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 24/02/2015 16:08

Shit stirring - how is my post shit stirring? Just because it doesn't agree with you or OP?

And WHY would I WANT to shit stir?!

OP asked for opinions- I have given mine - it doesn't have to agree with yours or anybody else's.

Lambzig · 24/02/2015 16:11

I don't understand why thank you letters are seen as bad form. You never get to say thank you properly on the day.

OnlyLovers · 24/02/2015 16:12

Because you tell the OP her approach needs to be more courteous when she's drafted a perfectly courteous phrase to put on the invite; and because you tell her she's 'instructing others on whether they may or may not give a gift' when her phrase quite clearly doesn't contain any 'instructions' but just says 'please don't feel you have to bring a present - [PSB] would just love your company'.

You're finding things in her posts that aren't there. That's not just disagreeing with the OP, or me, or whoever.

Floggingmolly · 24/02/2015 16:18

I certainly never received 30 presents at a time as a child either, Families, but the point was that none of us did. We didn't have to go to someone else's party and watch them reel in several wheelbarrow's worth, which will surely happen to op's child.
Won't there be some very awkward questions afterwards?

"Why didn't anyone bring me presents like that on my birthday, Mummy. Doesn't anyone like me?"

"Yes of course they do, darling. It was me; I told them not to"
"Well Feck you, Mummy, you complete cow"

Nolim · 24/02/2015 16:19

Monkey, dark, lovers, op, i agree.

Blessed, i disagree. It is true that your opinion is what it is and that op is asking for it. From your posts it would seem that for you it would be a personal offense to receive an invitation from someone who doesnt want gifts. An overreaction to a gracious request imo.

Daisy17 · 24/02/2015 16:21

I did the same for my DS's 3rd party. We have a small house and he already has so much stuff (first and only grandchild/nephew etc) and quite frankly I would like him to grow up thinking having fun with his friends is more important than material things. I'm also a control freak and don't like the thought of him opening something I wouldn't want him to have (eg toy gun) in a situation where it would be impossible for me to say he couldn't have it. Having said all that, I'm unlikely to do the same this year as he is now old enough to have picked up the whole presents at parties culture and I would not like to deprive him of what he now thinks is normal. And four out of five invitees brought presents last time anyway!!! Was a bit cross tbh but this thread has made me see how weird quite a lot of the population would think I was being....

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 24/02/2015 16:24

There are politer ways of communicating to people your values of needing, wanting or expecting a present - a lot of mums tend to want ideas anyway , in which we have always responded with "honestly it's not necessary xyz will just be really pleased to have your child's company" - but a lot of people still wish to buy gifts to show appreciation for the invite and still want ideas - to which you can offer some none "plastic tat " related ideas - things that are useful.

Everybody wins. Why should it just be about OPs wishes ? What about the wishes of everybody else? The children attending and their parents?

It's so easy to take everybody's wishes into account - without - receiving "plastic tat."

Nolim · 24/02/2015 16:28

Blessed please count to ten.
If your dc is invited to a party it is not about you.

OnlyLovers · 24/02/2015 16:29

Blessed, genuine question: please can you say how the OP's proposed wording ('please don't feel you have to bring a present - [PSB] would just love your company') is NOT polite and how in your opinion she could do it more politely?

Swipe left for the next trending thread