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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say "please don't bring a present" on DD's birthday invitations?

215 replies

DryBetweenYourToesPlease · 24/02/2015 09:57

Is this acceptable behaviour? There will be 30 kids. I don't want people to have to bring anything/wrap stuff/spend money. Also, more selfishly, I also don't want to have to remember who got what. DD is 5.

P.S. Before the "THIS THREAD HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE" brigade leap in, yes, I'm sure it has. Just want your live, up-to-date opinions please. Smile

Many thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
DryBetweenYourToesPlease · 24/02/2015 10:41

Sorry if I sounded rude, senua. I didn't mean to - I'm just at work and have to actually get some work done now.
I'm an old poster, NC, if that helps.

OP posts:
lightgreenglass · 24/02/2015 10:44

YANBU.

I did this for DS as I knew he'd get loads from family and instead lots of people came with cash which was lovely that they wanted to give him something but I genuinely meant no presents. Next time I will say please donate to charity if you wish to buy a present.

I'm sure your DD won't be deprived as I'm sure you and your family will buy her presents.

Graciescotland · 24/02/2015 10:44

My 4yo really enjoys choosing a card/ present/ wrapping paper for his classmates parties. I know having lots of little presents is overwhelming but they're only little for such a small amount of time and really I'd expect whole class parties to phase out by the time they are 7yo so it's nice for them to experience it once or twice.

ahbollocks · 24/02/2015 10:48

If I was you id just have a huge clear out pre party, sell a load on ebay or whatever and put it towards your party fund.
I do think its a little but miserable tbh

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2015 10:48

I don't understand the posters saying they invited the whole class because they didn't want to 'exclude' anyone?

If you invite 10 of your child's closest friends, how are the rest of the class going to feel excluded?

That's about 1/3 of a normal class.

ZeroFunDame · 24/02/2015 10:50

I would be very insulted to receive such an invitation.

You're essentially telling me that you need to fill the venue but that I am so far beneath you (in status, money, brain, whatever) that nothing I could possibly bring would be good enough for your already perfectly provided for DC.

And anyway. Gift giving at parties is surely part of socialising a growing child? "It's X's birthday, we've been invited to celebrate with them so we take a little present to acknowledge their special day." Sure the gifts might seem rubbish to an adult but in general we feel sorry for children who don't receive presents ...

peggylane · 24/02/2015 11:00

Re the numbers of children attending the party I think it depends on what has been don before. Around here most children having a party in Reception and possibly year 1 are inviting ALL children in their class, so up to 30 kids. So if you didn't do that and only invited around 10-15 I assume some kids would feel excluded if they knew they weren't invited.
But I also agree with OP that that's a separate issue.
I personally agree with the OP that no 5 year old NEEDS 30 extra gifts on top of what they receive from their parents, family etc. In my experience those gifts are often very quickly forgotten or discarded. I would find it quite refreshing receiving an invite saying no present please as it would mean that all the child or their parents want is for my child to be present and to celebrate with theirs, end of.

Lovemycatsandkids · 24/02/2015 11:01

How bloody miserable op.

Who cares who gives what or even it's a pile of crap.

It's fun. You know it's supposed to be fun.

Figster · 24/02/2015 11:01

Does your dd not want presents? At 5 I would be very surprised and If I had that invite I'm afraid I would have to ignore you and bring one anyway

ImTakingTheEssence · 24/02/2015 11:06

Ahh I think its sad what little boy or girl doesnt want a pile of presents. My dds going to a party next week I asked the mother what her daughter likes she said you dont have to get her anything. I thought sod that and got her a present anyway.

OnlyLovers · 24/02/2015 11:09

YANBU and you've had a very hard time on here.

Comments like 'Do you not get presents on your birthday?' are just silly. The DD will have loads more birthdays and parties, including ones when she's grown up and can make her own decisions about whether she asks for presents or not. What's wrong with a parent making a decision for a five-year-old?

I'd rather people spent money, if they wanted to, on bringing something nice to eat or drink.

however · 24/02/2015 11:11

I had a whole class party for my son and daughter because we'd just arrived in the area, had started school the week before and they had no real 'friends' yet. We did it immediately after school, in the nearby park

They received presents from their siblings, cousins, GPs, aunts and uncles. They didn't go without. The invite requested that everyone come and celebrate after school with some cake and games in the park, and no presents were necessary, though we did get a few small ones, as I said.

We did it again the next year, frankly, because everyone had a blast, it was easier and the kids wanted to.

It wasn't all that unusual, for kids in the 4-6 age group.

Annietheacrobat · 24/02/2015 11:12

I wouldn't mind and I can see your reasoning.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2015 11:15

Yabvu it's your choice big your dd. It doesent matter, if your dd enjoys 30 toys. My dd us 8 and still enjoys some of the presents from her 5 birthday party. Not your call sorry, sounds mean.

Notso · 24/02/2015 11:19

The most I've ever invited was 20 out of a year of 50 odd. DS1 had friends in both classes.
DS1 has nearly 90 children in the early years unit with him, some of his friends are in different classes plus he has friends from the afternoon session and a few cousins and family friends. No way would I invite a hundred plus children to his party.

Lambzig · 24/02/2015 11:26

I am doing an invited the whole class party this weekend. I think about 25 are coming.

Partly because we are new to the area and DD was new to reception so is still in the 'friends with everyone' stage. Partly because it's a good chance for me to put faces to names of parents and get yo say hello away from the school gate rush. Partly because she has never had a big party, has been to lots, and really wanted one as her present.

I wanted to say no presents too, but asked on here and got told off, which I can see. There is no way to say it that doesn't sound snotty.

sleeponeday · 24/02/2015 11:28

Four and under, and we said no presents, because at that age they don't notice or care. Five and up, and have at it, because they rejoice in them.

Um, I may have filtered some of the colossal pile at DS' 5th (class of 30, friends from preschool, total in excess of 40) and suggested to Santa that he regift them in 2 months time, though? This bit me in the arse when DS joyously explained to one of the affected mothers that his favourite stocking filler had been her gift.

I did whole class parties until 7 because I don't like the idea of the kids who never get asked to any. It means all children are guaranteed at least a few, and I think that matters. Autistic sibling never had invites and it broke his and my mother's hearts.

sleeponeday · 24/02/2015 11:30

Oh, YANBU! Some people will ignore you anyway, and you'll get a more manageable number this way.

ReallyBadParty · 24/02/2015 11:32

YABU.

You will just make you and your daughter seem weird??

I see why you would think of it, but can't be done, imo

DinosaursStillExist · 24/02/2015 11:40

Not read the full thread but why don't you word it so it's clear there's no obligation to bring a gift, no guilt from any party re decision made about whether she is gifted or not. I very much doubt she would notice if she got 30 gifts or 5 and she won't be tallying up money spent

sleeponeday · 24/02/2015 11:41

ReallyBad I know quite a few people who have done and continue to do it. Honestly, you think the people you know would think someone "weird" over something so minor - and their four year old, too? You honestly think adults would see other people, including kids, in such a way because they do something differently, when it's so insignificant? It makes me a little sad, actually, to think that grown women can be that petty and conformist.

ReallyBadParty · 24/02/2015 11:50

I agree it's sad, but I have learned that it's best just to go with it, for my children's sake.

But I do live in a rural and pretty traditional area where I am already seen as a bit of an oddity, for things like not smacking/ eating chickpeas/being anti hunting/not watching Xfactor, so may be a bit jadedGrin

I did put that on our wedding invitations and naming day (see,more weirdness!) invitations too, but not birthday parties.

EdSheeran · 24/02/2015 11:51

YABU, I don't like parents declining presents on behalf of their young children. They're only little once! Just send out generic thank you notes

ButterflySoul · 24/02/2015 11:54

I think it's absolutely fine, if that's what you'd like. You're hosting the party! So what if a few parents think it's weird and/or decide to bring something anyway?

We've done, 'small presents only, e.g.. a book' due to travelling to and from the venue by public transport and ended up with a mountain of craft products that seemed such a waste (there were too many to use all at once, and I disagree with the person who said to put them away for later, mainly because - 1. in my house they would get lost!, and 2. isn't that sort of like not getting a present if they don't open them on the day?). We've also been to parties where the parents have suggested giving £5 in an envelope to go towards something the child is saving for, so not, 'don't bring a present', but, 'if you would like to bring a gift, as a suggestion this is what we would prefer'. That seemed to really cut down on the actual gifts, even though some people still brought them. It also gave a price guide for people who were buying gifts (without saying as much), so the presents seemed to be smaller.

I'm a bit flabbergasted by people saying it would be mean not to have presents when you're giving a party for 30 children (that's a pretty nice thing to do for someone's birthday!) but we all have different ideas about what makes a good birthday experience.

HootOnTheBeach · 24/02/2015 12:24

I would think the child was being punished with the no presents line.

Maybe say something like 'please don't feel obliged to buy gifts, DD with be happy with the children's company' - that way not many people will buy last-minute tat.