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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me that this would piss you off too...

211 replies

Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 16:36

NC although not a regular poster I'm frankly embarrassed, here goes...

Bit of background;
Married 4 years two DC one a baby one in school

Had a rocky few years with serious illness in the family (including me) but muddled along

I have recently started a full time job for the first time in years; it's good money, what I wanted to do and I'm enjoying it

Had spent the past few years on maternity/working part time and decided this was not for me; felt like being at home with the DC had come to a natural end and finally built up my confidence to get a new job

DH also works full time, he has a 45 min commute by train (mine is 30 mins by car). Other than drop the baby to nursery I do all housework, cook all meals/packed lunches/order food shopping/book breakfast and after school clubs/household admin and also pick up both DC as he gets home 15 mins too late and will not ask boss to leave early even one day a week

Here is my real issue: he often uses "putting the baby to bed" I.e giving him his bed time bottle to fall asleep himself. He did just this at 7.45 yesterday evening. A grown man falling asleep at fucking quarter to eight. All the while I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner. The dinner did not get eaten. Blazing row ensued. This is mainly because he did the exact same thing to me last Saturday (valentines day (!) ) but this time on the couch. I see it as totally rude and as opting out of all responsibility and family life, he often does this when there's stuff to be done (ie take the dishes out to the kitchen/discuss whatever it is we need to etc) and he has form for this, in all the years we've been together he has always done it and he knows it drives me insane.

Our sex life is naturally lacking as a result, he moans about this despite me telling him it's impossible for me to shag a sleeping husband (hilarious isn't it) morning sex is a no no as baby often in bed

We have split up for a few months over this and his general apathy a few years ago, and now again I have told him enough is enough.

He has no illnesses, is a fit, healthy man in his mid thirties. No depression etc although I'm beginning to think he may be as I just cannot compute his general disregard for me. It's making me feel dreadful.

Before I get a flaming I want to stress that if on occasion he returned home declaring he'd had a bad day and just wanted to go to bed I would of course not begrudge him this, it's just the "I don't give a fuck about you" factor that gets me

So what now...? Hmm

OP posts:
Thisismyfirsttime · 21/02/2015 16:51

Wake him up when dinner's ready?

Original poster
Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 16:53

How helpful I'm sure you would find that to be a fulfilling marriage !

OP posts:
sosix · 21/02/2015 16:57

Maybe he has an underlying health issue? Or hes just really, really tired?

WD41 · 21/02/2015 16:57

DH falls asleep quite a lot. I find it mildly irritating but we're not going to row or split up over it. He works full time, he gets tired.

I think your level of anger over it is disproportionate.

avocadotoast · 21/02/2015 16:58

Is there something going on at work? What does he do for a living, is it a strenuous job?

I ask as my DH used to fall asleep on the sofa every single night around half 7, and it drove me crackers. This was before we even lived together so it was when we were supposed to be spending time together. The reason for it was basically that he was working really long hours in a physically draining job. It changed once work quietened down.

That said, if your husband just works in an office or something then it does sound like he's being a knob.

AntiHop · 21/02/2015 16:59

Has he had his thyroid checked? I was like this before I was diagnosed with am under active thyroid. I would regularly fall asleep in the evenings. I was exhausted.

It is not fair that you're doing all the housework etc now you're both working full time. He shouldn't need that pointing out to him but it looks like you're going to have to.

sosix · 21/02/2015 17:00

In answer to your question no, I wouldn't be pissed if but would insist on a check up with gp.

Original poster
Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 17:01

WD41 as I mentioned we both work full time. Shall I start nodding off too and leave the kids without tea etc?

Avocado no it's office work...

OP posts:
Hoviscats · 21/02/2015 17:03

YANBU.

The falling asleep would annoy me a bit too, although I strongly suspect that really what is pissing you off is that fact that you do everything house related despite working full time, and all childcare responsibilities are yours.

Seems to be a common problem when you go back to work after a period as a sahm.... and one I am also struggling with to be honest.AngryHmm Hmm

LynetteScavo · 21/02/2015 17:03

He sounds totally exhausted.

Original poster
Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 17:03

I would like to point out he can stay awake if he's engaged he just likes opting out when the mood takes him. He's certainly never been known to nod off during a night out!!

It's behavioural rather than medical, he has been doing this for years.

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 21/02/2015 17:04

I also think you're getting far too worked up about this. Of course I don't live with you and can only go on what you've posted but my DH does this and always has. He has a high pressure job with sometimes early starts or late finishes and - well - he just nods off at dinner time. So I just wake him up and on we go. It's just a nap - not like he's snorting crack off the perfectly formed arse of a lady of the night!

Clobbered · 21/02/2015 17:06

My DH used to fall asleep all the time, literally at the dinner table if there was a lull in the conversation. He worked long hours in a demanding job and really was that tired. He will still fall asleep instantly as soon as he is horizontal or a passenger in a moving vehicle. Otherwise he's a lot better since his job has calmed down.
Stop getting him to put the baby to bed and suggest that he does the dinner instead? You need to out-manoevre him!

Original poster
Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 17:06

That's an extreme comparison FarFrom, is that what it'd take to really cheese you off ?

OP posts:
Georgethesecond · 21/02/2015 17:08

Wo both fell asleep with toddlers/ babies from time to time. It's hard when they are little and you are both working.

ahbollocks · 21/02/2015 17:08

Im an evening snoozer Blush
To answer your question;
Yes he should be doing 50%of the house work etc now you are both full time.
Not much can be done about him finishing later than you/starting earlier so I'd scrap being so mad about that one
Can you alternate nights cooking dinner or just cook easier dinners?
I used to get so wound up cooking from scratch blah blah blah but sometimes an m and s ready meal hits the spot and saves on time etc

nequidnimis · 21/02/2015 17:10

I find it hard to believe that he is maliciously falling asleep to annoy you. Isn't this something that just kind of happens?

Having said that, he should take on a fair share of housework and childcare. Can't you just divide the chores fairly when you're both calm, and then wake him up and say 'it's Thursday so your day to cook dinner'?

Does he have any responsibilities in the house - washing, ironing, DIY, gardening?

It does sound like he has a longer day, but should still do his fair share. The sleeping wouldn't bother me.

18yearsoftrying · 21/02/2015 17:11

I could have written your post.

13 week old baby with severe reflux & under paediatrics so sleep equates to less than 3hrs in any 24hr period.

Dogwalking & all the house stuff as well as medical appointments were making me ill to the point I'm having blackout migraines & am now under a neurologist. He & GP have both told DH face to face I need help.

It didnt happen. Knew it was crunch point when at 3am I threw his suitcase on the floor along with his clothing. Apparently I did that because I'm hormonal!

All it comes down to IMO is laziness. They don't do it because they know it will get done by you. Cooking tea with baby in sling in their eyes = happy baby & hit meal for adults.

I stopped ironing his shirts, when he said he'd "do tea" & it turned out to be takeaway I accepted that ok, he hadn't prepared it but he had at least given me an hour out of the damn kitchen. He has agreed to pay for a cleaner (begudgingly so) as I stopped doing a few of the domestic chores.

Whilst he may use his argument that he works, my retaliation is that I do hard manual labour unpaid, not recognised, 21hrs a day relentlessly.

It finally clicked this week when he realised DD is ours for keeps & he needs to bond with her. Is this an issue for your DH?

Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 17:11

OP , I can sympathise.

My Dad was a very early riser, think between 4-5 am. He was convinced this was a wonderful trait but it meant he fell asleep between 7-8.

My Mum was a night owl and like you this really did become an irritant to her.

I may be guilty of assuming you and your DH are like my own parents but I know in their case, hints and nudges weren't enough, I am fairly certain bluntness is needed here.

sosix · 21/02/2015 17:11

How do you know its not medical?

dorisdaydream · 21/02/2015 17:11

I hear you, OP!

I would be pissed off too. Like you say, it's not like you can just go off and have a snooze leaving the kids with no dinner etc. Many on here seem to think that because he's the man then you should pussyfoot around the poor little lamb.

PiranhaBrothers · 21/02/2015 17:14

Whats wrong with waking him up when the meal is ready? Serious question here. If he's had a bit of a nap then he may well stay awake for the rest of the evening. If he starts earlier and finishes later than you then he has a longer working day which will be having an impact.

I would encourage him to see the GP and get a full health check just to be on the safe side.

Original poster
Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 17:14

Sosix I guess categorical I do not. Clearly as his mother I should've booked him a gp appointment years ago

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 17:16

He does bit start his day earlier. We wake and leave the house at the same time. He gets home a whopping 20 mins later than me

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 21/02/2015 17:17

YANBU.

If you replaced sleeping with playing the xbox the responses would be different.

You need to tell him that you both work full time, his commute may be longer, but you have the kids to drop off and pick up. All the household chores and family admin needs to be 50/50 and that he needs to stop copping out of his responsibilities.