Tell me that this would piss you off too...

[Unhappybunny79]

NC although not a regular poster I'm frankly embarrassed, here goes...

Bit of background;
Married 4 years two DC one a baby one in school

Had a rocky few years with serious illness in the family (including me) but muddled along

I have recently started a full time job for the first time in years; it's good money, what I wanted to do and I'm enjoying it

Had spent the past few years on maternity/working part time and decided this was not for me; felt like being at home with the DC had come to a natural end and finally built up my confidence to get a new job

DH also works full time, he has a 45 min commute by train (mine is 30 mins by car). Other than drop the baby to nursery I do all housework, cook all meals/packed lunches/order food shopping/book breakfast and after school clubs/household admin and also pick up both DC as he gets home 15 mins too late and will not ask boss to leave early even one day a week

Here is my real issue: he often uses "putting the baby to bed" I.e giving him his bed time bottle to fall asleep himself. He did just this at 7.45 yesterday evening. A grown man falling asleep at fucking quarter to eight. All the while I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner. The dinner did not get eaten. Blazing row ensued. This is mainly because he did the exact same thing to me last Saturday (valentines day (!) ) but this time on the couch. I see it as totally rude and as opting out of all responsibility and family life, he often does this when there's stuff to be done (ie take the dishes out to the kitchen/discuss whatever it is we need to etc) and he has form for this, in all the years we've been together he has always done it and he knows it drives me insane.

Our sex life is naturally lacking as a result, he moans about this despite me telling him it's impossible for me to shag a sleeping husband (hilarious isn't it) morning sex is a no no as baby often in bed

We have split up for a few months over this and his general apathy a few years ago, and now again I have told him enough is enough.

He has no illnesses, is a fit, healthy man in his mid thirties. No depression etc although I'm beginning to think he may be as I just cannot compute his general disregard for me. It's making me feel dreadful.

Before I get a flaming I want to stress that if on occasion he returned home declaring he'd had a bad day and just wanted to go to bed I would of course not begrudge him this, it's just the "I don't give a fuck about you" factor that gets me

So what now...?

Why should op get him to go to docs?

If that's the issue, he should be thinking "why am I too tired to fully pull my weight?" And get himself sorted.

He's lazy.

Achoo, I didn't go to the docs, as I thought it was just usual work and DC tiredness, I didn't consider it was not normal, as it was normal for me

All this blanket, he's "lazy" and "selfish" might actually be really unfair and I think, without medical checks, it might well be wrong.

But I accept that I am probably taking this too personally. I just want people to consider there might be an underlying medical reason, whilst acknowledging he should be sharing the household and DC load equally with his wife.

Same for me - I didn't think anything of it, it was just the way it was.

I don't think anyone's saying the op should make herself responsible for making him go to the Dr, just saying it's worth suggesting it to him.

But it's all rather a moot point now isn't it, since OP seems to be saying she's had enough. And I don't blame her.

I have an under active thyroid; before I was diagnosed I could fall asleep anywhere, at any time, provided I was sitting down and relaxed. I was also working FT with a small child, and I just thought it was normal. It wasn't until my then DH pointed out that I was sleeping the entire weekend away, given the chance, that I went to the GP and got a diagnosis.

It could well be medical. Why don't you simply tell him you're concerned, and ask him to see the GP? He'll either do so, or it will give him a jolt. Either way, it's a damn sight more productive than bitching on here, and getting pissy with replies.

I really dislike MN sometimes. Can't believe so many people have piled in to say the OP is rude and snippy. Of course she's snippy, she's friggin knackered!!! If I had to be a FT working single parent whilst my DH had a nap everyday I'd be looking to replace him and to those who say get him to go the GPs, if he's that rundown he can make his own appointment she's already single handedly raising 2 kids she doesn't need a third!

OP YANBU!!!

What I find interesting though, OP describes his lack of sharing the household and parental duties...but then says "here is my real issue" and talks about him falling asleep!

I think this is why there is such a range of responses, the two issues and even OP seems confused as to what the real problem is.

Surely it's simple.

1. DH doesn't pull his weight housework and DC-wise. He is obviously BU.
2. DH falls asleep in the evening. He may well not be BU, it may be medical.

2 may have an impact on 1 so it needs addressing. But it's odd that OP sees the falling asleep as the "real issue" and not his lack of sharing the household load equally!

What is his occupation? My DH is a nurse and works a hard job with lots of labour and energy exertion. He only does 'normal hours' 3 days a week but he gets bloody tired. We have 1 ds and both get knackered with work and childcare.

I agree the falling asleep thing sound irritating but I'd speak to your dh and explain that you'd like some couple time, which can't happen if he's sleeping. Maybe agree that he can sleep in or have a 'lazy day' a few times a month to recharge his batteries.

I do think there is a bigger issue here than just falling asleep. Obviously a couple need to be doing their share of the housework, but sometimes, when both parents are working full time, expectations need to be changed. Life was easy on maternity leave, I could potter around the house getting all the little jobs done, and my house was spotless and I got to cook lots of interesting dinners. When I went back to work I had to change my expectations a LOT. I do a lot of bulk cooking now, on the weekend I'll usually cook up a few different meals and freeze parts of them for weeknight dinners as it's easier to reheat and put on some rice/pasta/vegetables, or to throw a few thing in a pan for a quick stir fry. Save the cooking from scratch for the weekend. Other than a load or two of washing during the week, loading and unloading the dishwasher, picking up after the dogs and DS, everything else waits for the weekend when I have a big cleaning blitz on a Saturday morning and get everything done. I'm a single parent, but if I had a partner I'd of course expect them to help with that.

A lot of women think that they are supposed to be Superwoman. You're supposed to be the perfect image of a 1950's housewife, whilst also working. But the reality is very different, and often it is us that is putting such an expectation on ourselves, not our partners. The OPs DH obviously can't understand why he is expected to cook a full meal from scratch after work because he doesn't see that as a vital. He's probably quite happy with a preheated casserole, or ready meal, or take out. And does it really matter? Why not make life easier on yourselves? Sit down and have a very serious discussion, but instead of demanding he do things your way, work out together what is important, what can be simplified, and what can wait until the weekend.

"Can't believe so many people have piled in to say the OP is rude and snippy. Of course she's snippy, she's friggin knackered!!!"

I'm knackered, ill and hormonal but I try not to take it out on everyone else in the world.

OP, if you feel that tired and frustrated, it could be worth getting your own thyroid function tested too!

Sounds like you are both tired, like pretty much anyone who works and has small children. If he could take over something like the whole food/laundry process, then he can have autonomy over it and can organise himself, without you managing that as well.

Well done for being a saint Ed Sheeran! Unfortunately I'm not a saint so if my DH was acting like the OPs I would expect to be allowed to vent here without a load of perfect people piling in to say I'm rude, should escort him to the doctor and suck up being a single parent whilst being married. If he's ill he needs to go the doctor and if he can't be bothered he needs to step up. If I was the OP I would be raging.

I agree with Capricorn76 - OP you're the one who is exhausted and in need of help, not your bloomin' DP! Or, if he does: his business.

If I were in your situation I'd have lost my temper a long time ago, thyroid problem (of DP) or not!!!

I guess the only thing that might work is an ultimatum - he asks the boss to leave 30 mins early each day to pick up kids, he does half the household work etc - seems unlikely this will happen though if he can't (for whatever reason) even stay awake. Sorry looks like you will be joining us single mums.

YANBU.... it is never OK to let one partner do the vast majority of the household chores/childcare regardless of their gender or how much work they do outside of the home. If he is tired does he not think the OP might be too!

Yanbu. Does he wake up after his nap and then go to bed late? That's what my ex did. Also he used to fall asleep when looking after the children. My ex went to the doctors. Turned out he was lazy not ill. There comes a time when you can't put up with it any longer. I understand.

Thanks for being so sarcastic and unpleasant Capricorn especially as I wasn't one of those who berated the OP at all!! There is no need to be rude just because it's AIBU!

I'm knackered, ill and hormonal but I try not to take it out on everyone else in the world.

Capricorn wasn't being rude, Ed, she was responding to what you said above which was unhelpful, holier-than-thou and therefore judgmental. Why contribute yourself if that's your attitude?

Christ I fall asleep like this and I don't have children !

I'm always shattered from work. Saturday is usually a write off as I'm so tired. No medical conditions or so I'm told.

YANBU, I feel sorry for you that so many people seem to have jumped on you! Sounds like you need a serious conversation about sharing household responsibilities, especially now you are both working full time. Hope this situation improves for you. :)

What the fuck is going on with this thread? It is like some weird 1950's timewarp. Is it a full moon tonight or something?
OP it would fucking piss me off too. They both work full time, dh's day is only 20 minutes longer, OP does everything, everything in the house, all cooking, cleaning, admin, laundry... And people think OP is being unreasonable for feeling resentful when the poor little tired man accidentally falls alseep? He sounds like a fucking lazy selfish twat ffs.

Why are you ignoring the fact that I didn't berate the OP? I didn't personally do anything to deserve her sniping, neither do I think I deserve this, so I'm out.

Only human, so apologise OP, if I hurt you. I was trying to help. Of course yanbu.

Thanks PastaDecor.

OP YANBU. He should be doing 50% of everything. You sound knackered and pissed off and I don't blame you.

There seems to be a lot of armchair endocrinologists on here tonight keen to diagnose a thyroid problem in your dh. As opposed to someone simply not pulling their weight.

We all get tired with work and young kids. But it's clearly not ok to just take a nap and leave the other person to pick up the slack.

Fair enough for either of you to do it occasionally but not as a standard routine.

May I suggest you post in the feminism boards? I think you might get a different perspective.

YANBU. His sleeping is his way of communicating that he wants to dodge family life, without it looking intentional. And you getting annoyed by the sleeping is really I expect a much wider resentment that you are doing everything and he should be weighing in some more. Relationships in which there are very young children can become a competition about who is most hard done by. The truth of it is you are probably both working pretty hard and are pretty exhausted.
Definitely don't keep on cooking for him every night, as that is just allowing this to carry on. But I think you need to talk to him, and not about the sleeping, talk to him about how you would like to spend the evening with him, and that you feel overwhelmed with doing all the family responsibilities by yourself, and it needs to be divided up more fairly.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but who the fuck are you people and what are you doing here???

You sound really snippy' etc - of course she bloody does, she's running around doing all of the household tasks whilst her lazy H snoozes! FFS, I didn't quite get how MN has changed in the last few months but this really highlights it...

OP, tell him to step up. He is a lazy shit and needs to do his share of the family jobs and work on his marriage.

Ah, and now I see the real people have arrived !